Sacred Serenity (Lotus House Book 2) (19 page)

I sighed. The pit in my stomach had not been agreeing with the concept of food as of late, though I knew I needed to stay nourished. I’d been working out and teaching nonstop all week. Part of a useless attempt to cool the savage beast that wanted to storm Amber’s house, throw her over my shoulder, plop her on my bed and make her mine, once and for all.

“Sure.” The only thing waiting for me at home was an empty loft. I shrugged on my zip-up hoodie, slipped into my yoga shoes, and closed down the room.

“Sunflower okay?” Jewel asked as we exited the building, her fiery red hair flowing in the breeze.

Crystal had her golden locks pulled up into a twist. Soft wisps of hair cascaded down her cheeks making her look far younger than her sixty years.

“Yeah, fine.”

When we entered the bakery, my friend Dara was serving customers as usual. The resident meditation teacher at Lotus House moonlighted behind the counter of her adoptive parents’ bakery. My theory was that the Jacksons had a great deal of business sense. They put a stunning dark-skinned woman with a great body, thick, wavy hair down to her ass, and Caribbean blue eyes, up front to greet customers. Yeah, pretty much every single guy within a twenty-mile radius was getting his treats at the bakery in the hopes they’d score a date with their daughter.

“Dash! Long time no see. You haven’t come to any classes this week. You okay?” Dara asked, handing the customers in front of the three of us their order.

“Been a rough week is all.” I pinched my lips together and assessed what they had in the cases.

“He’s full of it. He’s nursing a sore heart and a blocked third eye chakra,” Jewel stated rather matter-of-factly.

I swallowed down the quick retort mostly because she was right. Instead, I went with self-incrimination. “Really?”

She pushed her red curls out of her eyes and pushed the black-rimmed glasses she wore up the bridge of her nose. “Uh, obviously. You think I was born yesterday? Pfft.”

Crystal smirked and pointed at a vegan Danish.

Jewel held up two fingers.

“Soy vanilla bean lattes with organic sugar?” Dara asked.

“Yes, ma’am,” Jewel said. “And when you’re done with the lonely heart here, send him our way. Oh, and he’s paying.”

“Of course I am,” I grumbled, not because I didn’t want to, but because I was a gentleman. “Like I wouldn’t pay?” I addressed Dara.

She grinned. “What’s going on with you and the doc?”

“Nothing,” I snarled.

Her eyebrows rose up on her head. “That’s a whole lotta something, if I do say so myself.”

“Who asked you?”

She placed a hand on her hip and ignored the entire line of people building behind me. Dara truly did not care who was in line. Her philosophy was that if they wanted the goods, they’d wait the amount of time necessary to get them, no matter if that time included her gabbing to each customer until they were blue in the face or agreed to name their firstborn after her.

“The universe. Hello, your aura is pink. Means your love life is tainted somehow. What’s going on, sugar pie?” she prompted in her classic urban spunky tone.

I groaned and tossed out a twenty. “Will that cover it?”

She glanced at the money and nodded. “That will not, however, cover your remorse.”

I balanced myself against the counter. “Remorse?”

“It’s written all over you. Who do you need to apologize to?” Her blue eyes were filled with concern.

Taking a breath, I smacked the counter top. “Don’t worry about it.” I turned and headed for the table where Yoga Thing 1 and Yoga Thing 2, aka Jewel and Crystal, sat primly sipping their lattes and picking at their unsweetened treat. Vegan. I shook my head. I didn’t get it.

“You know I’ll worry until the color changes!” Dara called out and then proceeded to assist her next customer.

I sighed and fell into the chair like an elephant lying down. Did elephants lie down or sleep standing up? Hell if I knew.

“Dash, what’s going on with you and Amber?” Crystal asked directly. “It’s hurting your heart.”

“And whatever it is, is blocking your third eye chakra, making you unable to find reason,” Jewel added unhelpfully.

I slumped down and put my head in my hands. “She wants to get married.” Through heavy lashes, I looked up. They were smiling at each other.

“And that’s a problem because you don’t want to be with her long-term?” Jewel asked in that painstaking tone of a mother treading through her son’s love life over hot coals in bare feet.

I cringed.

“Hmm. I think it’s the opposite, Jewel. I think he does want to be with her,” Crystal surmised.

“Of course I do! I just don’t believe in traditional marriage. They all end in nasty, vile divorces that wreck more lives than the two people in them.”

Crystal laid her hand on my shoulder. “Now we’re getting somewhere.”

T
he black wrought
iron gate creaked as I entered the sanctuary garden. This place had been a haven for me over the years. It was where I went when I had to make a difficult decision or deal with something I had no control over. Being surrounded by God’s earthly beauty helped calm and soothe the jagged edges of my tortured mind. Today was no different.

I sat on the bench that faced a small hill. Tall pine trees surrounded my little refuge. Circular bushes dotted the landscape and purple-and-white daisies were sprinkled throughout like a topping on a cupcake. The Blessed Mother sat on top of this cupcake. She was carved from white marble. Her hands in prayer position at her chest, and her head focused downward. Surrounding her were other statues, a woman, a child, a young boy, a lamb. All looking to her for guidance and wisdom the same way I was now.

With clammy fingers, I clutched the rosary my grandmother gave me when I was five years old. She’d given the same one to my mother when
she
was five years old. Today, I held it not only to connect with the Mother of Christ, who often intercedes for God’s children, but to connect with my own mother, too. I bowed my head and started with the Lord’s Prayer, followed by the Hail Mary out of respect for her grace.

Blessed Mother, maybe you can help me work through the discontent swallowing my soul and faith.

I looked up at the statue and waited, but she never replied. Usually, I just sat here long enough to obtain an answer. Whether it was one she helped me achieve, or God granted me in His mercy, or maybe even Jesus decided to give a sinner a break. Whatever happened, I’d never left the church without a clear path toward fixing the problem I’d presented once I sat on this bench.

“Amber, lamb, is that you?” a soft voice spoke from the gate behind me.

I smiled and turned. “Yes, Father, it’s me.”

Father McDowell opened the gate and approached, both of his hands clasped in front of him.

“What are you doing here, in Mary’s garden, on this fine August day?”

I clutched the rosary in my hand so hard the crystal beads sank into the tender flesh of my palm. Not quite hard enough to draw blood but definitely enough to leave marks. I wished those beads would imbed so far into my skin that all the answers I needed would just bleed out of me.

“I’m lost, Father,” I admitted to my priest, the only man aside from my grandfather I’d had any type of fatherly connection to.

Father McDowell came around and sat on the bench next to me.

He put his hand out, and I clutched onto it like a lifeline. “Lamb, what can our Heavenly Father help you with? You look tortured, and none of God’s children should feel that when they have Him to give their problems to.”

I slumped down and let out a breath I’d been holding so long, the power of it leaving curved my spine in. “I’m stuck between the man I love and want to spend the rest of my life with and the vow I made to the Lord and myself.”

He patted my hand with his other one and held mine between his two. “Are you being pressured to give of yourself in a manner with which you are not comfortable?” he asked.

I shook my head quickly. “No, not at all. But…erm…I took a vow of chastity and I’ve held onto that vow my entire life. I know the man I’m with is the only man for me. I will die loving him. God wouldn’t have put him in my path if I wasn’t meant to be with him, right?”

He tilted his head. “God does work in mysterious ways. However, if this man is worthy of you and your chastity, would he not agree to commit to you in the Church before God?”

There it was. Black and white. If Dash loved me, truly loved me, he would understand the importance of my faith and be willing to commit to me in the eyes of the Lord.

“I don’t know.”

He squeezed my hands. “Yet you are still uncertain of your path.”

I nodded. “I love him.”

“And God loves all his children, even the misguided ones. Is it possible for you to expose this young man to the Church, to your beliefs?”

Mary’s gaze was focused on those who knelt at her feet because she was free of sin. As an adult, I understood that we were born sinners. God sent his only son to die on the cross for our sins. We were taught that from a very early age. The Church taught that the way to absolution and reconciliation was to confess, ask for forgiveness, perform penance, and promise to sin no more. Our Fathers, Hail Marys, confessional, prayer—we could always find a rational way to explain it, the same as me, sitting here in front of this statue, in Mary’s garden, talking to my priest. When all I really wanted was for God to tell me it was okay to commit a sin. To live in sin with a man I couldn’t imagine my life without. How in the world could I justify that urge?

“He said he doesn’t believe in marriage. That they end in divorce. I think his family wasn’t a very good example of a healthy pairing,” I admitted.

“I see. Then how do you propose to change his mind?”

“That’s just it. I don’t think it’s fair to try. He doesn’t believe what I do.”

“Child, not every person on this earth will believe the same things. Just because you and I believe in the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit does not mean every person that we interact with or come to love will, too. I believe that all God’s children will eventually have that ‘ah-ha’ moment. It’s just a matter of time.”

I smiled, let go of his hand, and stood up facing the Blessed Mother. “Then what do I do?”

“Do you love this man, child?”

“With my whole heart,” I whispered as tears prickled in my eyes.

“Do you believe that God sent him to you to love and cherish your whole life long?”

“I’ve been telling myself that God wouldn’t allow me to fall so completely in love if he wasn’t meant to be my mate.”

He stood and crossed his hands in front of him. “Then you must show him God’s love. It may take a year, it may take twenty, but never give up.”

“Then what do I do in the meantime? About my chastity and marriage?”

He took a slow breath. “Only you know the answer to that, lamb. And I believe you’ve already come to terms with it, but haven’t been able to voice it.”

Father McDowell gestured to me to come closer. He held both hands out for me to hold. I did and he closed his eyes.

Together, we recited the Our Father and then he shared his own prayer.

“Lord, let Your child find peace and solace in Your love. Guide her in her effort to fulfill Your will. Ease her mind through her path to enlightenment. Through the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen.”

We both made the sign of the cross, touching our fingertips to our foreheads, hearts, and shoulders, in the practiced way Catholics close their prayers. “Amen.”

Father McDowell cupped my cheek the same way a parent would. “Go with God, my child.” And then he turned and left me alone in the garden. Alone with my sins, or the huge one I was about to commit.

The Father knew what I’d not been able to admit to myself. For Dash, for our love, to sustain our lifelong bond…I was going to break my vow.

Lord, be with me.

Yoga Thing 1 and Yoga Thing 2 had my balls in a vise. Not literally but figuratively. They’d bombarded me with question after question about my relationship with Amber until I had no choice but to give up the golden goose and tell them the truth.

Crystal’s clear blue eyes pierced mine. “Dash, do you believe in love?”

I swallowed down the lump in my throat with a mouthful of hot coffee. “In my twenty-eight years on this Earth, I’ve never seen true love. Hoped for it. Wished for it. But I never experienced it myself. Not until Amber. She’s love. Everyone before her pales in comparison.”

Jewel and Crystal shared a look.

Crystal grabbed one of my hands and brought it close to her chest. “Dash, is she worth letting this stigma go? Can you truly say that letting her go instead of taking a risk on love is the better option?”

I closed my eyes. The last three months played through my mind.

A
mber sitting
in my lap instructing the class. Her strawberry scent clouding all reason.

The two of us snuggled up on my couch, watching an action movie. She agreed to watch any movie. Said her goal was only to be with me. The film didn’t matter.

My little bird, crying out in release under my hand, my tongue, my…love.

“I love you, Dash. I’ll always love you.” Her private words to me, whispered against my ear after we’d pleasured one another.

“
I
can’t do this
.” I stood up.

Crystal tugged me back into my chair. “You can’t do what? Lose her and everything the two of you stand for or continue to be bullheaded about something you can easily control?”

Usually, I wouldn’t say a cross word to either of these two women, but right now, I had a handful of them. “I can’t control what the future holds.”

“Hallelujah, can I get an amen? Thank the goddess!” Jewel said, rolling her eyes. “Finally, you realize that.”

“And what’s that supposed to mean?”

Crystal gripped my other hand and looked me straight in the eye. Her clear blue gaze was like looking at a cloudless sky over the ocean. “You can’t control your future. But you and Amber have the power to control your relationship. If you need to make that legally binding to please her, then you do so with the knowledge that you are never ever breaking that contract. The only reason the statistics are so high is because people are getting married for the wrong reasons. But the only right one is because you cannot imagine living your life each day without her in it. Now can you?”

“Live my life without her?”

She nodded.

The past week had been devastating. Not having Amber had been like walking through perpetual night. Happy things didn’t seem so pleasant. A clear day didn’t hold its beauty. The sun didn’t seem as bright. Food didn’t taste as good and sleeping? Pssshhh…sleeping’s been a total joke. All I did was dream of her. Miss her. Want her by my side, today and always.

“Not happily, no.”

A slow, easy smile slipped across her face. “Then I think you have your answer. There’s only one thing left to decide.”

“And that is?”

“How are you going to get your girl back?”

I pushed my hand through my hair and gripped the roots. The prick of pain centered and grounded me. “God, Crystal, I don’t know.”

O’Brien’s Pub was booming with the dinner crowd when I entered. Families and couples milled about enjoying the food, drink, and environment. But there was only one man I came here to see.

He tossed back the last dregs of whatever was in the pint glass in front of him. Uncle Cal, who I guessed, technically, was really my uncle now, winked at me from across the other end of the bar. I offered a small wave in greeting.

“So, can I buy you a drink?” I asked, hanging my purse on the hook under the bar.

Landen turned and propped his head in his hand, elbow on the bar. “Fancy seeing you here…sis.”

I couldn’t discern whether his tone was angry, hurt, or otherwise. All I knew was that for the last three months, we’d been friends. Good friends, and I didn’t want to lose that. Especially since I’d found out we were actually related. More than ever, I wanted to know him as my brother. The question now was whether he’d allow that relationship.

“Your father told you,” I said softly, knotting my fingers together.

“Yeah.” He sighed.

“Are you mad?”

“At him? Fuck, yes!”

Pretty sure that was the first time I’d heard him drop an F-bomb. He didn’t seem the type to use profanity. Maybe because I’d always viewed him as too preppy.

“And me?”

His head jerked back, and he turned fully toward me. “You? What would I have to be mad at you for? You’re not the one that cheated on my mother and got your aide pregnant.”

He had a point. A huge one. One that could be on top of a billboard in bright flashing lights.

I laid my hand on his bicep. “I’m sorry, for whatever it’s worth.”

Landen huffed. “You’re sorry. Hell, Amber, I’m sorry, for you. You’re the one who was raised without parents and your brother. Fuck me. I’ve had a sister my entire life.” He shook his head. “All I ever wanted was someone to share the crazy that is being the son of a doctor and a rich ad executive, and this whole time, there you were, being raised by your grandparents. He should have known, and I’m pissed that I missed out on having a sister growing up.”

A weight the size of Texas lifted off my heart. He wanted me in his life. This new information didn’t change our relationship. Well, it did, but for the better.

“And worse,” he continued, “I perved out on my own fucking sister. How disgusting is that?” His entire body shook with an exaggerated tremor.