Rush Into You (32 page)

“That’s when…” My breath hitched in my throat. “That’s when it happened.”

Ryker was watching me with compassion in his eyes. I could tell he knew what happened next, but I was going to finish my story anyway. No matter how hard it was to tell, I needed to say it.

“I didn’t even know that I was in the other lane! I remember that there were no other cars on the road, but all of a sudden there was a car heading straight for us. I didn’t notice it, or hear them honking their horn because the music was too loud, and I was looking down at my phone. Kasey was the one who saw them first. She was sitting in the back seat, but didn’t have her seatbelt on so she could lean between the two front seats and talk to me and Madison. All of a sudden, she was pointing ahead of us and screaming for me to look out.”

I paused, the vivid memories bombarding my brain, threatening to shut me down. The horror and panic in Kasey’s voice and in Madison’s eyes was too much. I forced the lump in my throat back and shook my head slightly. Tears were falling down my cheeks, but I fought through the pain. I needed to finish telling Ryker the truth.

“That’s when I saw it. I was driving right at another car, and we were so close. I tried swerving out of the way, I really did, but we were too close and my reflexes too slow. There was nothing I could do. I had looked at Madison right before we crashed, and behind the terror and panic in her eyes, I saw blame. I’ll never forget it. She wanted to drive that night, and I should’ve let her. It was all my fault.”

I was breathing heavily now, almost hyperventilating. Ryker’s hand touched my back, rubbing small circles to comfort me. He was silent as he allowed me the chance to finish.

“We crashed into the car head on, and completely demolished it. I was the only one wearing my seatbelt…even when I was drunk, it was always a habit of mine. A habit that saved my life. Though, over the years, I wished I had died with my friends. I got cut up in the accident, and blacked out for a little while, but I woke up to screaming and sirens. Everything hurt. I remember that. I was confused at first, wondering what all the lights, noise, smell, and pain was from.

“The paramedics and firemen got me from the car. I didn’t even realize that I was stuck and couldn’t move. They used the Jaws of Life to get me out, and I felt as if I were floating above my body, watching everything that was going on without actually experiencing it.”

I was talking faster and louder, frantically telling Ryker everything. Wanting these memories off my chest. Out of my mind. Thinking that maybe the faster I talked, the easier it’d be to tell him the worse part of that night. Maybe Ryker wouldn’t understand me if I spoke fast enough, and he wouldn’t be as disgusted with me. It was bullshit, and I knew it, but I was scared.

“I remember Kasey flying over my shoulder. She fucking catapulted, Ryker. There was no chance for her, and she died on impact. Madison went partly through the window. There was so much jagged glass, and she was stuck and couldn’t move. She was half inside the car, and half on the hood, twisted at the most unnatural angle. She was completely…no, I can’t even say it.” I shuddered, took a deep breath and slowed down. “It wasn’t good. It breaks my heart because I know she suffered. The paramedics and firemen, were trying to help her, but it would’ve been worse if they’d moved her. They didn’t have time, anyway. She stopped screaming…but, not before we made eye contact. Every night I’m haunted by those brown eyes and the pain they held. The blame.”

Ryker looked as if he were going to say something, but I raised my hand, cutting him off. “There’s more…fuck, I can’t even say it Ryker! I’m a horrible person.” I couldn’t stop my body from shaking.

I stood up and crossed my arms over my chest, almost as if I physically needed to stop my heart from falling out. I felt as if I were going to vomit, and swallowed several times to fight the feeling. Afraid, I looked at him to see his reaction.

Ryker cautiously spoke. “You were all drinking that night, Gabby. You were all shit-faced. Any one of you could’ve been driving, it just so happened to be you. And your seatbelt saved your life. That doesn’t make you a horrible person, you didn’t mean it.”

I shook my head frantically. I didn’t want him to tell me it was okay. “Does killing three more innocent people make me a horrible person? Or is that okay too? What if one of the people I killed was an unborn child?”

I knew I shouldn’t be snapping at him. He hadn’t done anything wrong. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t act like that to you. It’s just that…I don’t know. This is just a fucked up situation. That family? Their last name was Rayburn. It was Keith’s family, Ryker. That’s why he freaked out on me. That’s why he hurt you. He wanted to take you away from me, like I took his family away from him.”

Ryker was silent, sitting as still as a statue, his expression blank.

“I’m so sorry you had to go through that because of me. I didn’t even know who Keith was until he confronted me, but when I heard his last name, it all clicked together.”

I collapsed beside him on the couch and hunched my shoulders. I leaned into him, wanting to feel him against me one last time in case he decided to leave me. “I’m sorry, Ryker. I’m so sorry. You know everything now. It doesn’t matter if you said you wouldn’t run before, I won’t blame you if you run now. I killed five people and only walked away with some cuts. Now Keith’s death is my fault, even if indirectly, and you’re hurt because of me. It’s too much. But I just want you to know I’m sorry. I never wanted this to happen.” I sniffed, tears soaking my heated cheeks.

I half-expected him to storm away, pissed off now that the whole truth was out there. I was sure he’d pieced parts of my life’s puzzle together over time, but I knew he didn’t expect everything I just told him.

Ryker used his good arm to move me gently off of him.
This was it
, I thought. He was going to leave.

HE TOOK MY shoulder in his hand, making me face him, but I kept my eyes cast down. “Look at me, Gabby.”

His voice wasn’t harsh, but comforting, and it surprised me. My eyes met his. “I’m not going to argue with you and tell you it’s not fucked up. It’s definitely fucked up, and I know you’re fucked up over it. But you know damn well you didn’t go out that night with the intention of killing people. You were drunk and made a bad mistake. I used to drive drunk all the damn time, and nothing ever happened to me, but I’ve lost friends, and I will never do it again. My best friend in high school died on his prom night from drinking and driving.

“I’m not going to lie and tell you that it’s okay because this is something that will never go away, but I can be here for you, and hopefully you’ll learn to deal with it better in time. You won’t ever forget what happened, and as much as it hurts, you shouldn’t forget. Maybe someday you’ll be able to help people with your story. You’re not the only person that this has happened to, and you won’t be the last.”

I couldn’t imagine telling my story to someone else; especially someone I didn’t know or trust, but if I were being honest with myself, he did have a pretty good point.

But I needed to help myself first.

“I’m sorry you lost someone.”

“And I’m sorry for your loss, babe.”

The sincerity in Ryker’s voice brought a fresh wave of tears to my eyes. No one had ever said that to me. No one ever stopped to think that I’d lost my two best friends that night, and I was hurting. Everyone blamed me for their deaths as if I’d purposely killed Madison, Kasey, and the Rayburns. I never got the chance to properly grieve my losses and heal the wounds my own actions caused. Instead of allowing me to cope, every person from home just cut through my open wounds with a rusty, jagged knife. I was exposed, my insides were on display rotting with pain, oozing shame, and festering with guilt. The fact that Ryker thought about my feelings meant more than anything. The overused words “I’m sorry” really could mean something when spoken by a person who truly meant them.

“Ryker?”

“Yeah?”

“How is it possible that you barely blinked when I told you everything?”

He shrugged. “I knew it was obviously something bad. Hearing the things Rachelle and Keith said to you gave me some ideas. Plus, the fact that you wouldn’t drive a car…I guess I just already knew a little, though obviously not everything. But mostly because I love you, and your past isn’t going to change that. I’m curious what happened afterwards, though. Weren’t you in trouble?”

Part of me had hoped he wouldn’t ask that, which was unfair of me. My voice was quiet and shaky, almost embarrassed. “I should’ve been in way more trouble than I was. I got off too easy. I mean, I’m grateful now, but the punishment wasn’t enough for what I did. I got charged with intoxicated manslaughter and was in state prison for four years. Three hours after the crash my blood alcohol level was .12. My license was suspended for several years, but I kept up with it. It’s valid now.”

“I walked away from my family after that even though I missed them like crazy. I felt terrible. Everyone looked at my mom and dad as if they were the killers. People were disgusted that they could still love me after what I had done, and I figured it’d be easier if I broke contact with them.”

“But you talked to your mother last week, right?” Ryker noticeably skipped asking more about my punishment. He knew I didn’t want to keep talking about it. “And you said she’s going to come back here soon.”

I nodded. “She wants to meet you. I want you to meet her.”

We were both silent for a while, my head resting against his strong bicep, his burned hand from the road rash on my thigh. I stared at the hard scabs covering the angry red skin as I thought everything over. My mind traveled from the time I was a happy kid and teenager, to the time I was an angry young adult. I thought about my drug addiction and that dark part of my life and everything it involved. At the time, the drugs numbed the pain of what happened, but realistically, they only made things worse. They added to my pain and never erased it.

Ryker kissed my temple, pulling me from my thoughts. “What’s going on in your head?”

I sighed, “I was thinking about the years of my life I wasted doing drugs. I thought they helped me at the time, but they didn’t. I just chased that rush constantly, waiting for the drug to consume my pain. Looking back now…” I shuddered.

“I can be your drug now.”

“You already are, babe.” I smiled up at him. “The feeling I get when I’m with you is better than any rush I ever had from heroin. You give me a rush that doesn’t fade, and it only gets stronger each day.”

He squeezed my leg. “I just realized something.” I looked up at him expectantly. “You never drive, haven’t for years, but you drove Jay’s car to the hospital and back all week for me.”

It was my turn to shrug. “It was the only way to get to you. I needed to see you.” I sighed. “There was no question that it was what I needed to do.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Ryker, you don’t have anything to be sorry for. Please, don’t apologize. I’m the one who has a lifetime of apologizing to do.”

“No, you don’t. But, I’m sorry that you had to face that fear while worrying about me, too. I know that couldn’t have been easy.”

“It wasn’t easy. But, it wasn’t as bad as I thought. I didn’t even hesitate, Ryker. Jay offered me the keys, and I took them. After driving to and from the hospital all these days, I realized that I do want to start driving again. I’m going to get my own car. I have to give Jay back her’s today, and you won’t be riding your motorcycle for a while. I like being able to depend on myself. It’s time I put that fear to rest, and at least move on from that.”

“It’s a good start.” He kissed my temple.

I sighed, the sound a mixture of relief and nerves. I was relieved that I’d finally told Ryker everything there was to know about my past, and I was nervous about what the future would bring. Just because I told him everything didn’t mean my nightmares and trauma would go away. There’s still fear in my heart, but I was relieved that he would be here to help me with it.

I didn’t know where our relationship would go from this point, but I could only hope it would go up from here. I knew that we would continue to have tough times in our relationship, just like anyone else. I wasn’t naive enough to think that everything would be easy between us. But I also knew that things would be less tense between us now that the burden of my secrets weren’t weighing us down anymore.

Ryker proved to be a good man. I believed that he loved me, and I trusted him. I had faith that he wasn’t going to run when things got tough because he’d already had plenty of reasons to leave me. Instead of running and turning against me like everyone from my past, he’d stuck by me.

It was going to take a long time for Ryker to heal from all his physical injuries, and I planned on helping him in any way that I could. I would be there for him like he had been for me.

“Want to order some food? I’m starving,” Ryker asked.

I laughed as I reached for my phone. “I love you.” I kissed his cheek, smiling.

He smiled back. “And I love you.”