Running Northwest (10 page)

“Yeah, it was great…really great,” Stephanie said smiling and thinking to herself again.

The two women sat quietly, more or less just staring at Stephanie’s picture of Thomas until Karen broke the silence with another question.

“So, the picture – when was that taken, because you two look pretty cozy and happy,” she said.

Stephanie thought for second before responding, “It was taken the very next day actually. We spent all day doing stuff as usual. Thomas took me to an aquarium and on a boat tour. Later that night he and I went to dinner with his mom Grace at a gorgeous restaurant that was right on the beach. It was on Blue Water Key, I think. We had an amazing dinner and talked and laughed the whole time. After we were done eating, the sun was getting ready to set, so the three of us went for a walk on the beach and talked and picked up shells and walked in the water.”

Stephanie paused again to take sip of wine and collect her thoughts because for some reason she was tearing up and she did not know why.

“Thomas’ mom was a little way behind us so we could be alone for a little bit and just talk privately. She was really sweet like that,” Stephanie said and without realizing it, she closed her eyes before she continued talking, “I was standing there looking out at the ocean, at the sun and the birds flying around. There was a little breeze but not windy, really, and I could smell the salt in the air. I knew Thomas was watching me; he always liked to look at me. He would tell me
sometimes;
of all the places that he had been that I was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. I never ever believed him when he said it, though. I did not think he was lying to me but I was scared to believe someone really thought that about me. And as I was standing there looking out at the ocean and the sky, he came up behind me, and just wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close to him. We held hands again and he rubbed my hand with his thumb very slowly. He just held me in in his arms and we just swayed back and forth, as if we were being blown gently like a tree in the breeze. He told me he loved me, and I turned my head a little bit to look up at him. And I think that was when his mom took that picture but I can’t be sure, because we didn’t even know she took it.”

Stephanie breathed in deep before continuing as her emotions were starting to get the best of her. Karen was watching her friend silently now; she could see the tears in Stephanie’s eyes.

“He let go of one of my hands, reached up, gently touched my chin and turned my head a little bit towards him. He brushed his fingers down my cheek and behind my ears, and just looked right into my eyes. He loved me so much more than words could have ever said. I could see it in his eyes when he was looking at me. Then he moved his face closer to mine and kissed me. I turned around in his arms so I was facing him and we just kept kissing; warm, soft, romantic kisses. It was wonderful and he held me close with one arm. I did not stop him, because I did not want him to stop.

“When we were done, he said he could kiss me like that for the rest of his life. He just looked at me – at my eyes, my face, my smile, and ran his fingers through my hair. Then he grabbed my hand and kissed it – it was so old fashioned. His mom was standing a bit away, watching but insisting, of course, that she wasn’t. Then we walked back down the way we came holding hands the whole time. We went back to his mom Grace’s condominium and went to bed. Thomas and I slept together again that night but nothing happened. We just fell asleep holding each other. I loved sleeping next to him. We left the next morning to come back to Michigan.”

Stephanie finished talking, opened her eyes, and looked at Karen.  At this point, she had tears running down her face.

“What’s wrong, Sweetie? Why are you crying?” Karen asked.

Stephanie wiped her face with a pillow and the back of her hand band started to say, “It’s just…”

“It’s just what?” Karen asked.

“It’s just I haven’t talked about this in years, Karen. I haven’t been able to; I put it away, out of my mind. I do not know what to think about it now. I don’t know why I’m so upset about it now after all this time though.”

“Well I don’t know either, Steph,” Karen said, adding “He sounds amazing. He really loved you didn’t he?”

“So much, so damn much. He tried so hard for so long…harder than anyone ever has,” Stephanie answered, “You know what the sad thing is Karen? What the stupid thing is?” she asked as she wiped her eyes again and looked over to her friend and confidant.

“What’s that, Darlin?” Karen replied.

“I was already in love with him,” Stephanie said as she burst into tears again, “I was and I was too scared to tell him that I loved him back. I fought my feelings for him for so long and he kept on trying. I was so scared of someone truly loving me that much, that I shut him out,” she said through heavy tears.

“I know you were, and I know you still are, I could tell this whole time as I sat here and listened to you talk about him and the way you looked at his picture,” Karen said and added, “So what happened when you got back?”

Stephanie sighed, “On the way home, on the airplane. I was laying my head on his shoulder, resting, and he told me he wanted to be with me and no one else. He told me he would make me happy for as long as I would let him. I told him I had to think about it. He wasn’t mad but I know it wasn’t what he wanted to hear,” she said.

“Okay, then what else? Because you did something stupid, I know you and I know you did something stupid, and you did it because you were scared. I can’t believe you said
you
would think about it. You might as well
have
just punched him in the crotch” Karen said.

“I sure did, something really stupid and I was scared, but I was so happy with Thomas. He made me happy in ways I never told him, ways that he doesn’t even know,” Stephanie answered.

“So, what did you do?” Karen asked as she crossed her arms and stared fiercely at Stephanie.

“When we got back, he dropped me off at home and he talked to my parents for a bit. I had been thinking about everything he said, everything that had went on and had been said the whole trip, flight and car ride home. He went to give me a hug goodbye,
and then
went to give me a kiss and I pulled away. I don’t know why, but I did. He looked at me and I could tell he was confused. Then he just kissed my forehead, kind of smiled at me and left. I did that right in front of my mom, who I had already told about the kiss on the beach when we talked on the phone. She was excited, very excited. She really liked Thomas a lot; she liked how he treated me. He called me the next day and texted but I didn’t answer. I did that for about a week or so. He was pissed and confused and did not know what he did wrong. He did nothing wrong at all but I wouldn’t tell him that.”

Stephanie stopped talking and wiped her eyes.

“The next weekend I went out with some of my other friends and there was this guy with us that I had been sort of seeing a little bit a few months before and we were drinking and he told me he wanted to starting dating me again and that he missed me. I said okay without thinking and then I had sex with him,” she said as she covered her face.

“Oh my God, you didn’t! Are you serious?” Karen said with her back straight. She was very shocked

“I know
it was such a slutty thing to do.
A stupid thing to do; and the sad thing is I can’t even remember his name anymore. But we did date for like a month. I was still in love with Thomas the whole time, but I was so afraid of that love, of that kind of love and devotion, I’d never had it before. So I ran like hell away from Thomas, I wouldn’t even talk to him, answer his phone calls or text messages or emails, I treated him like crap. I pretended he didn’t exist to me. Our friends were pissed at me. They were the ones who told him about me and that other kid and having sex that weekend. Thomas was furious at me. He actually beat the hell out of the kid one night when he ran into him. The poor guy had no idea what the hell hit him, what was going on or why it happened, until I told him. That ended that, really fast,” she told her friend, feeling embarrassed and horrible all over again. She felt sick to her stomach

“So what happened with Thomas, then? Did you and he talk about it? I bet he hated you, didn’t he? I mean, not to sound mean but you kind of used him,” Karen said.

“The sad thing is, and the thing that makes me feel the worst even now, is that Thomas felt it was his fault the whole time. That he did something wrong, that the one time he pushed something is the one time he shouldn’t have. He felt he had messed up and upset me. I knew this, too. Our friends, his best friend, told me this, and I never went to him, explained myself and told him otherwise. I never said I was sorry. I just let him feel shitty and worthless. Our friends hated me for a while, as I said. His family I am
sure
hated me. His dad, who I loved and loved talking to and who really liked me, would not even talk to me anymore or look at me. Nevertheless, the whole time, even after everything I did to him, how I know I made him feel, he never talked badly about me. He would not allow our friends to talk badly about me either when he was around…they did not like it, but they knew that is how Thomas was. He loved me still and despite how mad and hurt he was, he wouldn’t resort to saying horrible but well deserved things about me. I don’t think Thomas could ever hate me really. He just blocked me out and was gone; and that might be worse than him being mad at me.” Stephanie said, her eyes red from tears that had begun to run dry.

“So what did Thomas do?” Karen asked.

“He left Karen,” Stephanie said as she started sobbing again, “He left the same wee
k that the other guy and I broke up
. He did not say goodbye to me, didn’t tell me he was leaving he just moved back to Oregon just like that. He had stopped trying to call so I did not know he had even left until like two weeks later. He told our friends not to tell me he was leaving and they had no problem doing what he asked. But he just left, after saying goodbye to some of our friends and his family,” Stephanie said, adding, “I asked our friend Derrick Pazinkski who eventually moved out west with Thomas in Oregon if I was the reason Thomas had left. He told me Thomas never said why he was going, but that he just had to leave; that it was finally time. They all knew I was the reason he left in the way he did, why he left so soon. Everyone knew but I still would not admit to it. Derrick was embarrassed to have me as a friend and mad as hell about what I did to Thomas, we didn’t talk for a long time either.”

Stephanie sighed as she finished what was she was saying and curled up into a ball on her couch. The two women were quiet for a little while and just drank their wine until Stephanie spoke up again.

“I never got to tell him I loved him. The one thing I always wanted to say to him and I never got to was ‘I love you’ because I screwed things up so bad,” she said quietly, barely audible.

“Well, maybe you still can, Steph,” Karen said without thinking what she was saying all the way through.

“Yeah right, I lost him Karen and I know I lost him. He loved me and I lost him. He’s long gone and has moved on I’m sure. I don’t think Derrick would let me within 10 feet of Tommy.” she replied.

A short while later, Karen left to go home after giving Stephanie a long hug good bye and telling her to get some rest and that she would see her at work the in the morning. Stephanie
did not
even bother picking up the mess they had made and took a long hot shower, trying to lose the effec
ts of all the wine she had drank
. Her eyes hurt and were already puffy from all the crying she had done. She laid down in her large bed and pulled the covers up over her shoulder and petted her husky named Shadow who curled up next to her and licked Stephanie’s hand. She fell asleep staring at the picture of Thomas that she had carried in from the living room.

Thomas sat quietly in a corner of his small coffee shop. In front of him sat a notepad and his usual regular cup of coffee. It was Friday morning now and the previous few days had been a mixture of stress and Thomas’ typical and much preferred easy going days. He had dropped a very moody Daniel off at elementary school earlier that morning. Tuesday had come and gone and Thomas had neither seen nor heard from the young man that had ‘interviewed’ with Tracie Monday evening. Not that he was going to complain now. Berating him for lying and treating customers let alone his son for that matter like crap, would in the end have been waste of time and breath.

Across from Thomas now was an empty chair that had a leather coat hung over the back of it. The occupant who was a potential new hire was in the restroom. She was in his mind a somewhat attractive 21-year-old female college student named Alexis. Who also happened to be Tracie’s cousin. She had the barista experience Thomas was looking for and was also familiar with Tracie’s quirks and attitude and also how Thomas ran things at his shop. She had been out to Oregon a few months prior, while visiting Tracie on Christmas break from school in Arizona. She had actually picked up a few shifts when she was here at that point so Thomas and Tracie could have a break.

Alexis had called Tracie a few weeks earlier and asked her cousin if she could stay with her for the summer. She showed up at Tracie’s apartment on Wednesday. And by Thursday was already bugging Thomas to let her take the open shifts he was hiring for during her summer vacation. It didn’t take much persuasion on her part, or Tracie’s for that matter. Since Thomas had already considered the idea in the back of his mind for quite some time. So he called her and scheduled her interview for this morning.