Running Fire (12 page)

He could feel her frustration building within her, the mewling cries trapped in her throat. His erection was killing him. He was going to have to do something about it after this was over. He'd never sleep the rest of the night. Hell, he wasn't going to sleep with her in his arms, anyway. It was like holding a wild woman who was artless, hungry, and she had no idea what she was triggering within him, or what he was generating within her.

As Kell left her lower lip, he moved his tongue gently inside her mouth once more, and this time, felt her respond, not stiffen. He groaned as her small pink tongue shyly touched his in return. A deep, ragged tremble rolled through him as her tongue became bolder, more curious, more hungry for the new pleasure she'd just discovered.

He captured her, splaying his fingers against her jaw, deepening their connection, moving his tongue provocatively in an ancient rhythm against hers. All of a sudden, he felt a violent tension release within her and she tore her mouth from his, her back arching, her body pressed hard against him, groaning.

Oh, hell!

Kell held her, realizing Leah had just orgasmed. He could feel the rippling sensation tearing through her, heard it in her panting breath, her palm flat against his chest, keening sobs tearing out of her.

He eased his hand down her back, cradling her hips, pressing her against his erection. She bucked against him, gasping. He could feel her panic, her confusion coupled with the raw pleasure undulating wildly through her lower body. He felt her surprise over the gift her body had just given her. Yeah, a woman's body was one hot fire to handle. And simply by kissing her, emulating the rhythm of sex against her tongue, she'd orgasmed.

Kell took a deep breath, holding Leah tightly against him, allowing the sensations to roll through her until finally she quieted, her breathing growing raspy.
Just a kiss.

He released her, moving his hand across her hips, smoothing the rumpled T-shirt against the damp skin of her back. Taking Leah onto her back, his arm beneath her neck, still holding her close, he smiled down at her.

“Helluva orgasm you just had,” he growled. Strands of hair clung to her damp brow and cheek. He saw the confusion, undisguised pleasure, in her widening gaze. Her mouth was soft, parted, slightly pouty from the intensity of their shared kiss.

Kell lifted his hand, smoothing the strands behind her ear, grazing her cheek in a soothing motion. It was too dark to see her skin, but Kell would bet the farm she was flushed in every part of her luscious, hot body. He moved his hand across her belly, allowing it to stay there. Claiming her. She was his whether she knew it or not.

“What—what just happened?” Leah managed, her voice sounding light-years away to her. Every single cell in her lower body was tingling, clenching, unclenching, and she felt a golden river of fluid and heat rushing through her channel, dampening her thighs. She stared uncomprehendingly up into Kell's glittering eyes, saw a very pleased male smile on his mouth.

“The most beautiful gift a woman can give her man, darlin'. You had an orgasm from what I could tell.”

His large hand splayed out across her belly felt comforting. She placed her hand over his. “I—I've never felt anything like this before, Kell. Not ever...” Leah sighed, sinking into the heat glowing deep within her, feeling satisfied, released and utterly confounded by her body. Oh, she'd heard from women friends in college who would talk about their orgasms, but she was too ashamed to ask them what it really was. Or what it meant. The way her body was now glowing, the pleasure radiating through her, Leah now understood why they were all smiling when they talked about experiencing an orgasm. This was the most wonderful physical feeling in the world!

Her mind canted back to the past, to Hayden. She'd never experienced this with him. Ever. All Kell had done was kiss her and her body had blossomed in response.

“We have a good connection with one another, darlin',” was all he'd say, and Kell shared a tender smile with Leah, holding her exhausted but radiant gaze.

“We must,” she whispered in awe, her voice growing weary. “I feel as if someone pulled the plug on my energy, Kell. I'm so tired. Does an orgasm do this to you?”

Kell remained nonreactive to her question. Obviously, Leah hadn't ever had an orgasm until just now. He knew that not all men knew how to coax an orgasm out of a woman. It required physical knowledge on the man's part, an understanding of a woman's body. Plus, many men were in a hurry. And women were slower to come online sexually than men. Grant must have been like that, in a hurry, not caring if he pleasured Leah. Not concerned for her trust in him. And now, he knew Leah trusted him wholly, on every level. If he'd had any question about whether there was something good and powerful between them, it had just been answered in the most intimate of ways.

“Yes, it can make you feel tired, Leah. A good kind of tired, Sugar. Go to sleep. I'll be here. I'll hold you.” She gave him a soft, drowsy smile, her eyelids beginning to droop.

“I've never been kissed like that, Kell. Not ever... Thank you... It was wonderful...”

Her voice trailed off and he watched Leah's lashes close. In two heartbeats, she was asleep. And so damned beautiful, her face utterly relaxed, her lips well kissed. By him.

Kell shook his head, never having experienced a woman who orgasmed over a simple kiss. It surprised him. And he'd been right in his initial assessment of her: Leah was one hot, fiery woman, completely natural, trusting him with her body, with her heart and with her soul.

CHAPTER NINE

“W
E
HAVE
TO
TALK
,” Kell murmured, holding Leah's gaze. He'd just come back in as night had fallen and eaten a meal with her.

She'd looked incredibly beautiful this morning as she slept, no tension in her face when he'd left before dawn to head to his hide for the day. The soft, vulnerable beauty of Leah sleeping hovered in his memory all day.

Kell had stood there for a moment, feeling emotions he'd never felt for another woman before. Now, tonight, his emotions were twisted and his mind was filled with hard choices. Did Leah want a relationship with him? It wasn't his call to make. Leah had to be heard and Kell had to know where she stood.

“I know,” Leah said, holding his somber gaze. The penlight threw a grayish light around them, enough for her to see him, but not much else. “What happened last night was my fault.”

Kell scowled. “There's no fault in this, Leah. At least not from where I stand.”

Struggling, she said, “If I wasn't having nightmares, if I wasn't screaming, giving away our position—”

“And you think that's what caused our kiss?” Kell saw the desperation and confusion in her eyes. Over what? Them? Kell didn't know, but he was going to find out.

He watched Leah deflate, all the fight going out of her. She was reacting emotionally, not thinking clearly. Hell, he'd had all day sitting and doing cover surveillance to think through everything from beginning to end a thousand times regarding her and last night. He'd felt gut-wrenching emotions, and had looked at everything with a knowing and realistic eye.

Leah pulled her knees up against her chest, leaning back against the wall. Her voice was strained and soft. “The kiss...I won't ever regret that, Kell.”

“There's no fault in me wanting to kiss you.”

“You kissed me because I was going to scream. By doing that, you absorbed the sound of it. You could have put a hand over my mouth but I think, unless you tell me differently, that you thought it might upset me even more? So you kissed me instead.”

He gave her a patient look, silently applauding her logic. It was faultless. “I was afraid that if I put my hand across your mouth it would have scared you even worse.” He held her unsure gaze. Lowering his voice, he said, “I did kiss you to absorb the sound, but it's more than that, Leah, and I have to be honest with you about that. That kiss had been coming from the moment I met you.” Kell saw desire in her eyes, knew his touch had gone far deeper, reaching inside her in so many more ways than he'd first realized.

Leah dragged in a deep breath, holding his calm, penetrating gray gaze. Kell was so damned open. Honest to a fault. She had to respond to him on that level and not as she might have in her past, when Hayden had lied to her all the time. She was just too gullible, too stupid, to realize it at the time. “I wanted to kiss you, too, Kell.”

There, the truth was out. When she'd tried truth on Hayden, it had gotten her beaten. Kell simply looked at her, and she saw one corner of his mouth hitch upward into that lazy smile of his. It warmed her heart, fed her soul. This was a man who was utterly fearless when it came to emotional high stakes in life.

“Thanks for admitting it, Leah. I expected it of you, and you didn't disappoint me.”

“I'll never lie to you, Kell. It's not my nature to lie. But I think you know that already.”

“Yes,” he said, resting his elbows on his knees. “Now, I'm going to tell you where I stand, Leah. And I need to hear where you're at in all of this with me.” He opened his hands. “I wasn't looking for a relationship. When you dropped into my life, it changed me.” His drawl became more evident as he went on. “There is something about you that touches my heart. I've been wrestling with it for days now, trying to understand what was going on between us. I wanted to kiss you for some time, but kept telling myself it was wrong to think in that direction. I know you're a warrant officer. I know the UCMJ. I never thought I'd fall for a woman officer.” He gave her a wry, amused look. “But I have.”

“What does that mean?” Leah asked, her voice barely a whisper. Her pulse was bounding, she felt vulnerable and was unable to shield herself from Kell in any way.

“It means I want to continue what we have. I have no idea where it's going, Leah. I've always followed my heart. I know I want you. I like what we have. I want to build on it, see where it leads us. I'm not the kind of man that does one-night stands. I'm in for the long term with a woman or it's a no-go. And I have to know what you're thinking and feeling. If there is an us or not.”

A quiver moved through Leah as she sat there digesting his words, her heart wide-open, wanting him in every possible way. “I'm so screwed up, Kell. I'm just not a good bet for a relationship.” Hayden's words came back to her. He'd always said she was damaged goods. That no man would ever look at her if she divorced him. Leah had believed him. Until now.

He frowned. “Who isn't?” And then, more gently, “It doesn't matter to me, Leah. I know we haven't had much time together, and it's been a pretty stressful, intense time for us at that. There's no one in this world who is perfect. We're all wounded, Sugar. It's just a question of where, what kind of wound and how much you let it run your life. I want a relationship with you. What do you want, Leah?”

Compressing her lips, she felt tears stinging the backs of her eyelids. She couldn't cry now. Not now! “I don't want to hurt you, Kell...”

“The only way you could pull that off, is if you tell me you don't want a relationship with me.” He smiled a little sadly. “Is that what you're telling me?” Because he had to know.

Rubbing her face, Leah rasped, “I'm...not whole, Kell.”

Kell didn't move. But he wanted to. He heard the broken tone in her voice, felt it stab him in his heart. “No one is, Leah. Not even me. But I learned a while back that I make do with what I have. I don't cry over what's gone. I make a point of trying to learn from my mistakes and not repeat them. I'm only concerned with what's left of myself after my marriage. I'm divorced. I learned a lot from Addy, my ex-wife. All I can do is move forward and try to do right by others.” The suffering in her eyes tore at him.

“I'm a failure in so many ways,” she whispered, voice strained.

“I don't care,” he said patiently, holding her moist, confused gaze. “I'll take whatever you want to give me, Leah. It's on your time. Your schedule. I won't push you.”

Tears blurred her vision and she made a strangled sound in her throat. The tears fell. “You don't know me!” Leah quavered, afraid to raise her voice.

“That's true, I don't know everything about you. But I'm willing to find out, Leah. I feel I know enough about you to want a closer connection. And I'll always let you define what that connection is between us.”

“How can you be so damn sure of us, Kell?”

“I kissed you last night. It told me everything I ever needed to know about you, Leah.”

She angrily wiped away the tears, glaring at his passive expression. It was his eyes that held a burning look that seared her body, made her feel weak and sexually needy, wanting to have him kiss her like that once more. “I'm afraid, Kell. All right? I'm really afraid!”

“So am I, but I'm not going to stop listening to my heart where you're concerned.” He held her glittering stare, saw the deep anguish in her eyes, the terror of making a mistake in another relationship. “We're in a risk-taking business. If we're so willing to put our physical bodies on the line, knowing we could die, what's so different about us putting our hearts on the line, too?”

Covering her eyes with her hands, Leah tried to stop tears from falling. She hugged her knees to her chest. “I'm not good enough for you, Kell.”

“Who the hell ever made you believe you were less than a whole woman?” He couldn't keep the anger out of his voice. She looked as if he'd slapped her, but he hadn't touched her.

“I just know!” Leah pushed to her feet, walking away, unable to stand the care she saw in his eyes. She took three more steps and Kell was beside her, gently capturing her arm and turning her around. The next moment, Leah was staring up into his turbulent gray eyes. His hands settled on her shoulders, holding her, not hurting her.

“Hayden Grant told you that,” Kell growled, his voice low with feeling. “It's
not
true, Leah. He hurt you. I know that. I can tell by how you respond to me exactly how he treated you.”

Her lower lip trembled. “I told you, I wasn't—”

Kell took her mouth, anchored her against him, tried to kiss away her fear that she was no longer whole and didn't deserve him or a possible relationship. He molded his mouth against hers, felt her start to protest and then, suddenly, she buckled against him. Leah moaned and surrendered. She tasted so damn good, so clean and sweet. Her hand curled against his chest and he softened the kiss, not wanting to bruise her lips.

Holding her, Kell slid his hand against her hips and pulled her against him. There was no denying his erection. She had to feel it and had to know what it meant. Or who the hell knew what she was thinking? He had no idea of how severely Grant had abused her. And he needed to find out.

Releasing her mouth, breathing hard, Kell held her stunned-looking eyes. “I want you in my life, Leah. I don't give a damn how broken you think you are. I see your heart. It's whole. I see a good person in there. A kind person. From where I stand, there's nothing wrong with you at all.” His words became guttural. “Grant brainwashed you. He's a sick bastard and you know that now. But you didn't know it then. You were younger and probably pretty naive. Hell, Leah, you didn't have a mother to teach you about sexuality, about your own body or being a woman, what it feels like to be one, or how you should be treated by a man.” Kell saw her face crumple and he cursed himself. Diplomacy was not his specialty. Obviously.

Leah closed her eyes, feeling gutted by his truth. Kell was a sniper. He was an alert observer of the human condition. She felt his arms around her, felt his lips resting against the top of her head, letting her silently know he wasn't going to throw her away or abandon her.

As Hayden had told her, she was a cold, screwed-up bitch who couldn't please a man if she tried. He'd beaten her down in every way. And even now, the way Hayden saw her is how she saw herself. It was a frightening realization. Leah thought she had recaptured her self-esteem from the past, her confidence in herself. But that wasn't true because she was fighting Kell's invitation to try a relationship with him. And here she was, trying to make him believe she wasn't worth wanting, desiring or loving. Anger rose in her, pure and hot.

Hayden had stolen pieces of her spirit. And now that she'd met a man, a real man, she felt incapable of being who he saw her as: a woman who was worthy of being loved, being cared for and being protected, if necessary.

“Come on,” Kell rasped, turning her around. “Let's sit down. We need to hash this out.”

Her knees were mushy. Leah leaned wearily against Kell, needing his strength as he led her over to the sleeping bags. She sat down, wanting to curl up into a fetal position of protection. Her mind was like a wild animal careening into the darkest corners of her wounds. Kell sat opposite of Leah, his leg resting against hers, his arm spanning her lower legs, his gaze tender as he watched her.

“I don't know where to begin,” Leah managed.

“Start with me,” he said. “Do you want a relationship with me?”

Sniffing, she brushed the tears away. “Y-yes.”

“Okay, then there's reason for us to continue our talk, Sugar. I need to know what's got you so spooked about yourself. When you were in my arms last night, I couldn't believe how warm and loving, how hot and hungry you were. I liked every bit of you.” Kell reached out, wiping a tear from her cheek with his thumb. “There's
nothing
wrong with your body, Leah.” He managed a half smile. “Your body knows exactly what it wants. The only thing in the way is that mind of yours, how you see yourself. Or maybe, how Grant taught you to see yourself.”

“I need to start at the beginning,” Leah choked. “I thought two years of psychotherapy had helped, but I was wrong.”

“We all need some help now and then,” Kell said gently. “Where do you want to start?”

Giving a painful shrug, Leah said, “With me. I only had two one-night stands in college. I just hid from boys because they scared the hell out of me. I didn't understand them. I hated that they followed me around. In high school, I was a shadow. When I got to college, it was easier to hide in my dorm room. I got tricked twice by boys. I'm not very proud of it, Kell.” Leah waited for his judgment and censure. None was forthcoming.

“In my freshman year, I met this guy. He came on strong and kept telling me how hot I looked. Maybe I was lonely. I don't know, but I went out on a date with him. I didn't know what to do. He kissed me and I didn't know how to—respond. He got angry with me because when he tried to touch my breasts, I pushed him away. I felt so embarrassed and scared. I got out of the car and walked home. It wasn't that far back to the dorm, but I was so shaken up, so scared, that I felt like a loser. Stupid.”

“You weren't stupid,” Kell said, his hand moving across her shoulder. “You didn't have a mother to teach you a lot of things, Leah. And I'll bet your father never talked about your menstrual cycle with you? Or when you needed to start wearing a bra? All those things moms talk to their daughters about?”

She took a ragged breath. “I was in high school, my freshman year, when a couple of girls took me aside and told me I needed to start wearing a bra. Before that, I was blind, deaf and dumb. I didn't know...”