Run to Me (32 page)

She opened her mouth to protest and he held up his hand. “Let me finish.”

Biting the inside of her jaw, she nodded.

“Cole started with LCR and we worked some ops with him. I knew he was attracted to you, though I don’t think you ever saw it until I told you. You liked and admired him. The more I saw you together, the more I realized how much better he would be for you than I was.

“I started pushing you toward him. Making insinuations that you and I weren’t a permanent thing … that I was thinking about quitting LCR and going out on my on. All bullshit, of course.”

Shea could only shake her head. God, he was an idiot.

“The more you resisted, the harder I pushed. One day, I literally pushed you out of our home. I called Noah for an assignment and disappeared for a few weeks. When I got back, you two were married.”

Shea didn’t know when the tears started falling down her face. His eyes grim and full of sadness, Ethan picked up the box of tissues sitting on the table in front of him and handed it to her.

Wiping her eyes, she took a breath and said, “How long were Cole and I married?”

“Less than a year.” He shook his head. “That’s not the worst thing I did, Shea. I pretty much ruined your marriage, or did my damnedest.”

“How?”

“I requested you and Cole on as many ops as I could. Noah allowed it because we worked so well together. He told me he trusted us all to be professional. The victims we rescued were the priority, not our personal issues.”

“Why did you do that?”

“Hell, I don’t know. To punish myself for being such a damned fool. Punish you for doing the right thing. Mostly, I think it was just to be able to see you.”

Shea swallowed back her tears. He was breaking her heart all over again. “Were we able to handle it?”

“For the most part. The tension was there—we just did out best to ignore it.”

Things were becoming much more clear as to why Ethan blamed himself for Cole’s death. “And then one day, we couldn’t?”

“One day, I couldn’t. Rosemount had been kidnapping for a few years. We set up what we thought was a damned good sting. Our plan was to avert the kidnapping and get Rosemount, or at least his people.”

“What happened?”

“I hadn’t seen you in a few weeks. The minute you walked into the room, I knew something was wrong. You’d lost weight, and I could tell you’d recently been crying. You looked miserable. It pissed me off because I knew Cole had made you cry.”

“And?”

“You left the room for a few minutes. I made a smartass comment. Totally out of line. Cole got pissed. You came back in. It was pretty obvious we’d been arguing. You asked what was going on. Cole muttered something about asking your old lover and stalked out of the room.

“After he left, you and I had an argument about me minding my own business. In the midst of the argument, Cole radioed in. The message was garbled, but I understood enough to know something was going down and he was going in without backup. I ordered him to wait. I couldn’t understand his answer. We ran after him just in time to see him go into the warehouse. Seconds later, the damn thing blew up.”

“Gabe told me I blamed you for Cole’s death.”

“Yes, as you should have. If I hadn’t—”

Unable to sit still any longer, Shea jumped to her feet. “Stop, please just stop. How is it that everything’s always your fault? Do you think other people don’t have a say in their actions? Whenever anything bad happens, it’s automatically because you did something wrong?”

“If I hadn’t—”

“Dammit, Ethan, if I hadn’t gone after Rosemount, several innocent women would not have had their lives almost destroyed. I feel hideous that I did that, but it’s done. The only thing I can do is help try to find Rosemount so we can make sure it doesn’t happen again. Guilt doesn’t get you anywhere. Haven’t you figured that out by now?”

“I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you before.”

“Why didn’t you?”

“At first, we were afraid telling you might cause some damage. I didn’t want to chance that. Then later …” He blew out a long sigh and rubbed his eyes as if he was exhausted. She knew he’d probably driven all night long to get here. It took every ounce of her self-control not to go to him and wrap her arms around him.

“Later, I couldn’t figure out a way to tell you. I knew you’d remember at some point. The longer I waited, the easier it got not to say anything. I wanted to postpone the inevitable as long as possible.”

“What inevitable? What did you think would happen if you told me I’d been married?”

“I figured it would trigger all the other memories. The ones where you hated me.”

Even though she couldn’t remember, she doubted very seriously that she had ever hated this man. Been furious and hurt, absolutely. The emotions Ethan created in her were often volatile and unpredictable, but hate? Having fallen in love with him, not once but twice, she didn’t believe for a second she’d ever hated him.

“Why would I marry your best friend, Ethan? What kind of woman does that? How could I marry one man while loving another one?”

His broad shoulder lifted in a shrug, as if it were totally understandable. “Cole was a good man, and you cared deeply for each other.”

Shea felt guilt, not only for marrying a man she obviously didn’t love but also for feeling no grief for him. This man had been her husband, and she should mourn him. Yet all she wanted to do was go to Ethan and comfort him. She forced herself to stay put.

“When did I go after Rosemount?”

“Hard to say. After Cole’s memorial service, I got assigned another op. You were pretty messed up. We weren’t exactly on speaking terms. Disappearing from your life was the best thing I could do for you. A few months after Cole’s death, Noah fired me. I hadn’t seen you, but was told you weren’t working. Everyone figured you needed time to grieve. Seeing me sure as hell wouldn’t have helped you. I moved to Tennessee. A few months later, Gabe came and told me you were working for Rosemount. The rest you know.”

Yes, the rest she did know. This man had rescued her, putting his own life in jeopardy. He’d saved her life, taken care of her, and brought her back from hell. How could she not love him?

“Thank you for finally telling me.”

“I’m sorry, Shea … for so many things.”

Shea could only shake her head. Loving Ethan meant understanding him. He was still punishing himself for a tragic accident years ago. He’d stayed with her as long as he didn’t have to make a commitment for the future. Doing that would have required an acknowledgment that he had achieved some kind of happiness … something he didn’t think he deserved.

If she’d known about his past before, would she have understood him and not pushed? It was hard to say, since she had no memory of their previous relationship. But she knew the truth now, and having promises of forever from Ethan wasn’t paramount to her continued love. If they had forever or just one more day, her love wouldn’t change.

His eyes solemn and sad, Ethan stood before her as if waiting for her final judgment. No matter what she said, she was damned. He knew she loved him but didn’t believe he deserved it. If she told him to leave, he would.

Whatever their future held, it had to be his decision. The next few days would be difficult for her, but she couldn’t depend on Ethan to see her through this. It was time to stand on her own.

“Thank you for telling me, Ethan, but you need to leave now.”

“Shea, no. I know you despise me. You have every right to … but let me stay with you. You shouldn’t go through this alone.”

She took his hand and pulled him to sit beside her on the couch. Swallowing several times to dislodge the giant lump in her throat, she gave up and cleared her voice, hoping she could get through this without turning into a sobbing mess. “This is hard for me to say. So let me get it out.” Hard though it was, she held his gaze, wanting him to see the sincerity and truth. “I don’t despise you. Though I don’t totally remember loving you before, Ethan, I know I love you now. You haven’t said it, but I know you love me, too. And before you say anything, know this … I’m not looking for a commitment from you. That’s not a necessity for me. The thing is, if we stay together, every day I’ll wonder if this is the day you’ll realize you’re too happy and you have to leave. I can’t live like that.”

She brought one of his hands up to her mouth for a soft kiss. “You’re an amazing man, Ethan Bishop. You have an incredible strength of will and a wonderful heart. You’re a hero in every sense of the word. I believe you deserve happiness, but you need to believe it, too.”

“Shea, please—”

She shook her head. “I need to do this without you. You’ve done so much for me and I thank you from the bottom of my heart, but it’s time I stood on my own.”

Pulling his hand from hers, he brushed his fingers tenderly against her face. “I wish I could give you what you deserve.”

“And I wish I could erase your pain.” She took a deep breath and stood. “I think Dr. Norton’s anxious to get started.”

Ethan stood and held out his arms. Knowing she would most likely lose control couldn’t prevent her from going into his embrace. This might be the last opportunity to be in his arms. She couldn’t allow a little breakdown to prevent this small luxury.

“You’re the finest, most beautiful woman in the world, Shea Monroe.”

Unable to speak, Shea put her head on his chest and listened to the hard thudding of his heart. She wondered if she could hear it fracture as hers was.

Taking one last bracing breath, Shea pulled away and whispered, “Good-bye, Ethan.”

Ethan zoomed down the highway. Emotions slammed and twisted through him like steroid-charged wrestlers. She had asked him to leave, and he’d left. He’d done a lot of hard things in his life, but that had to be one of the most painful ones. He wanted to be with her. Help her. Protect her. But she was right. She couldn’t really depend on him. Hadn’t he showed her time and again how true that was?

So what was he supposed to do now? Just go back home? Pretend everything was all right? Pretend that the woman he adored wasn’t going through hell? What would she do when she realized there was one more thing he hadn’t shared with her? One more thing he’d been responsible for that he had never been able to voice? Was he going to just let her learn that on her own?

Hell, no.
Checking the rearview mirror and seeing nothing coming, Ethan made a U-turn and headed back to the clinic. Even if she wouldn’t allow him in the room with her, he could be close by in case she asked for him.

A vibration in his jacket alerted him to a phone call. Ethan snatched it up, hoping Shea was calling to tell him she’d changed her mind. He checked the readout. Curiosity flickered:
unknown caller.

“Yeah?”

“Ethan, my boy. How are you?”

He jerked at the unfamiliar and slimy-sounding voice. “Who the hell is this?”

“Just the man you’ve been obsessed with for so long.”

He froze, not daring to believe that Donald Rosemount could actually be calling him.

“I don’t get obsessed with men.”

“But you’ve made an exception with me.” He giggled. “After all, we have a lot in common. We’ve both tasted and enjoyed the same little redhead.”

Adrenaline surged even as triumph mounted. Rosemount didn’t know how much Shea had remembered. The less he knew, the better. “You son of a bitch. How’d you get this number?”

“A mutual acquaintance. Sadly, I understand he’s no longer working for LCR. Such a pity. I had hoped to continue our association. He’s just so pretty.”

Jamie.

“You’re a freak, Rosemount.”

“Now, now. Don’t go getting all testy or I might change my mind about the little gift I have for you.”

What was the bastard up to? Shea was under tight security. He’d checked it himself. No one could get to her.

“What gift?”

“They say a picture is worth a thousand words. I’m sending you one right now. Take a look.”

Ethan pulled the phone away from his ear, pressed a key, and looked at the screen. His heart leaped into his throat. He stared hard. Rubbed his eyes, stared again. It couldn’t be. Realization grew and settled … it was. “You’re a fucking dead man,” Ethan growled.

“My, my, we’re definitely going to have to clean up your language.”

“What do you want?”

“Just a little exchange.”

“You’re not getting Shea.”

“It’s not Shea I want, Ethan. It’s you.”

“What?”

“There’s a warehouse at Tenth and Burnham. Be there in ten minutes. Come alone. In case you didn’t know it, you’re being followed. If you don’t do exactly as I say, the deal’s off.”

“How do I know you’ll keep your word?”

“Well, I could just send you a picture of a dead body. Would you rather I did that?”

Grinding his teeth so hard he tasted blood, he said, “I’ll be there.”

“Excellent. Now, be a good boy and pull into that hamburger joint up on the right.”

Ethan changed lanes. Ignoring the honking car he’d come close to clipping, he turned into the parking lot.

“Now what?”

“See that dark green BMW at the end of the parking lanes?”

“Yeah.”

“Put your phone on the roof.”

Pulling up behind it, Ethan shifted into park and got out with a casual leisure, giving himself time to search the parking lot. It was lunchtime, and the lot was almost full. He twisted around. Bastard had to be here somewhere.

“Ethan, I’m getting a little impatient with you. Now do as you’re told.”

Ethan stalked to the car. Just as he reached it, he heard Rosemount’s cheerful voice, “See you in a few. Don’t be late or I may change my mind.”

Dropping the phone on the roof, he turned and jumped back into his car. He was at least seven minutes away from the warehouse. No time to call for backup. And with someone following him, no chance.

He had to do this on his own. Had no choice. Perhaps this was his destiny. Fate had finally caught up with him. But if things worked out, he could save a life … a very valuable life. And have one last chance for redemption.