Ruined (27 page)

I step back away from him, and turn around, walking toward the bedroom.

“Molly?” He calls after me.

I go into the bedroom and silently remove my dress, dropping it onto the floor. One of Alex’s shirts is on the back of the chair, and I pull it on, inhaling the smell of his cologne.

“What is wrong with you tonight?” I spin around to see Alex standing in the doorway.

“Nothing.”

“You disappeared outside for a long time.” He says quietly. “I saw Hugo.”

I inhale sharply. “He wanted to congratulate me.”

He nods slowly. “And then after he leaves, you start drinking tequila like it’s an Olympic sport…” He drags a hand through his dark waves as his golden eyes watch me.

I shrug. “Hugo drives me to drink. What can I say?”

“You seemed upset.”

“Well I wasn’t!” I snap. He cocks an eyebrow, but remains silent. “I’m going to bed.”

Later that night, I lay there staring at the ceiling. I should be asleep. If nothing else, the tequila should have knocked me out, and stopped my stupid mind from thinking, but it hasn’t, on either account.

I don’t know what the hell I’m doing anymore. I don’t know what I want, and I don’t know who I am. I’m the good friend, the loyal girlfriend, the doting daughter. I’m not this person, the person who deceives her boyfriend whilst pining for another man. The girl who falls in love with her friend. The girl who lays next to her boyfriend, and cries, because she wishes he were someone else. The girl who should break up with her boyfriend, but can’t, because she selfishly loves him too.

I swipe at my tears frantically. I don’t know who this person is, and I don’t like her.

A few days later, and I’m standing in the middle of my bedroom surrounded by packed boxes. I’m excited at the prospect of having a life with Alex, but I can’t help this niggling feeling in my stomach. I keep telling myself that it’s just the change. Nobody likes change, right?

I sit down on my stripped bed and check my phone. No messages. No missed calls. I don’t know what I’m expecting, or quite what I’m waiting for. Maybe an out? Shit, this is all happening so fast. I’m worried that it’s too soon. Maybe I only said yes to moving in with Alex because I was so heartbroken over Hugo. Hugo rejected me, and Alex was there with open arms telling me that he wanted a life with me. Hugo told me he could never commit, and Alex made a commitment right there and then. Am I doing this for the right reasons? Surely if you move in with someone, then you intend to marry them, and have kids. I’m not saying I wouldn’t want that with Alex, but it’s just too soon. I don’t know!

I’m still in the throws of my mental breakdown when there’s a knock on my bedroom door and George pops his head around the door.

“Um, sweetie, there’s someone here to see you.” His eyes are wide, a hint of concern on his features.

“Who?”

“Me.” The door pushes open revealing Hugo, standing in the doorway behind George. I say nothing as our eyes lock.

“I’ll…go.” George says, slowly creeping away.

CHAPTER TWENTY ONE

HUGO

There’s a tense silence as I take in Molly. I fucking miss her. She’s standing surrounded by boxes, a painful fucking reminder of the fact that I was too much of a pussy to go after her, and I let Alex make his move. She drags an agitated hand through her long blonde hair.

“What do you want Hugo?” She whispers. She looks tired. Dark circles mark her eyes, and she looks thinner.

“Don’t move in with him.” I blurt.

Her head snaps up, and she frowns.

“What?”

“Don’t move in with him. He’s not right for you.” Fuck, this is not how I planned this to go.

She shakes her head. “You are unbelievable. Fuck you!” She clenches and releases her fists, shaking with anger. “You yourself, have told me countless times how good Alex is for me, how deserving he is of me.” She says in a mocking tone. “And now you’re here telling me not to move in with him.”

“I was wrong.” I say. “I mean, not wrong, but you don’t need good.”

“It’s too late, Hugo. You made your choice.”

“I fucked up!” I shout at her. “I never should have told you to be with him. I never should have let you walk away.”

She turns on me, her expression fierce. “Are you serious?! You spent months telling me I was
good.
Telling me how bad you are, how wrong. Well you know what, you were right. I am too good for you. I deserve better than a guy who doesn’t even see me until I’m gone.”

“I fucking saw you Molly.” I growl. “I see you more clearly than anyone.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” She snaps.

I step forward, closing the space between us and cupping her jaw. “It means you’re not all good sweetness. You’re not the wall flower that you like to pretend you are with Alex. You’re loyal, and loving and kind, but you’re so much more. You are feisty, and determined. You’re a firework waiting to be lit.”

“You know nothing.” Her voice hitches and she takes a shaky step back, away from me.

“I know that you’re different around me than you are around everyone else. You don’t hide from me, because even though you think I’m a fuck up, you know I give you the freedom to be a fuck up too. You don’t have to put on a front around me, and I can’t let you move in with him, and spend your life fucking hiding who you are.”

“I don’t hide.” She snaps.

I drop my hand from her face and drag my hands through my hair. “Are you fucking kidding me? You’re like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I watch you play the dutiful daughter, the patient and understanding friend, the polite girlfriend, until you get to me…and then you’re just Molly.”

“What do you want me to say, Hugo? You aren’t an option, you’ve made that abundantly clear. Alex…I love Alex, and he offers me a future. He loves me.” Her eyes lock with mine, and they’re full of regret and sadness. I know her. She doesn’t want this. I know she doesn’t.

She’s right though. I don’t even really know what I want. Why am I even here? All I know is that I don’t want her to move in with Alex, but I’m not really giving her a reason not to, am I?

“What if I was an option?” I say quietly.

She rolls her eyes. “You say that now, because you think you’re about to lose your favourite toy, but you don’t know what it actually means to commit to someone Hugo. I’ve made my choice, and I won’t betray Alex again.”

She’s right of course. I have no clue what it means to commit to someone. Fuck, the closest I’ve ever come to a relationship is a regular whore.

I step forward again and wrap my hand around the nape of her neck, pulling her close. Her breath hitches as her body presses against mine. She places her hand against my stomach, threatening to push me away, but I only tighten my hold on her.

Her eyes meet mine, before her eyelids flutter closed. “Don’t make me say it.” I plead against her lips.

Her eyes open, and meet mine. “Say what?” She breathes.

“You know what.”

There’s a long beat of silence, before her eyes soften and she cups my cheek. I watch her try and find some resolve. Fuck that. I won’t let her think of all the reasons why this is wrong. I know there are too many to count, but I also know that whatever this is with us, I want it.

She opens her mouth to say something, and I slam my lips over hers. It takes her a few seconds to react, and then she’s kissing me back. Her fingers grip my shirt, and a moan slips from her throat. She comes alive, her body igniting and moulding to mine. I love feeling her open up like this. I love that she loses all her inhibitions with me, in a way that I know she doesn’t with anyone else.

She suddenly stiffens and shoves away from me, breathing raggedly. “I can’t do this.” She gasps.

“Molly…” I start.

She shakes her head as her eyes meet mine. “I told you I loved you Hugo, and you said nothing. You let me walk away!” I can hear the pain in her voice. I hurt her, and I don’t fucking deserve her forgiveness.

I brush my thumb over her cheek, as a tear slips down her face. “Don’t cry.” I say quietly. “You scare me, sweetness.” I shrug. I don’t know how to do this. Shit.

She sniffs and closes her eyes as she takes a shuddering breath. “I can’t do this.” She repeats, as she steps away from me. My hand falls to my side, and I stand there numbly facing her. “It’s not enough, Hugo.”

How can it not be enough? I feel like I’m handing her my fucking soul here. How can that possibly not be enough? I don’t know what to say. I can’t think of a single fucking thing.

“Molly…” I take a step towards her and she raises a hand, halting me.

“Hugo, just go.” I meet her eyes, and for a few seconds we just stare at each other. It feels as though there are a thousand unspoken words between us. I don’t want to walk away from her. I let her go once, and it feels like the biggest fucking mistake of my life, but what can I do? I fucked up, and now I have to deal with the consequences. I have to watch her walk away from me and move in with Alex, the guy who represents everything I’m not, everything I can’t give her.

I turn around and walk out of the room, leaving her surrounded by boxes.

CHAPTER TWENTY TWO

MOLLY

My bedroom door clicks shut, and my knees give way, hitting the floor hard. I dig my fingers into the carpet as I bend over. Pain rips through my torso almost crippling me. They say that heart break is emotional, but it feels fucking physical to me. I roll onto my back on the floor, clutching at my aching chest.

Why is it that every time we part ways it hurts a little more. Surely it should get easier? I had come to terms with this. I was good, and then he turns up out of the blue and bam, I’m right back where I started.

That was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Every fibre of my being wants him, wants to fall into his arms and pray that he never lets me go, but that’s just it…I can’t live on blind faith, on the hope that I’m enough for him, because the likelihood is that I won’t be.

I could easily fall for Hugo’s sweet lines and false promises, but I’m done losing all sense of self-respect over him. No matter how much I love him, I have to love myself more.

As I sit here, staring at the ceiling, I realise that I might never get over Hugo Harrison, but I can’t move in with Alex. I can’t be with Alex. I know Hugo and I can never happen, but my heart hasn’t realised that yet, and it still firmly belongs to him. I can’t keep denying that. Just wanting to feel the same thing for Alex isn’t enough. I can’t keep dragging him through this shit, only ever half committing to him and using him to soothe my battered heart.

No more.

I scramble up off the floor and walk straight through the flat and out the front door. I don’t stop until I slide behind the wheel of George’s little Jeep. I lean my head against the steering wheel and take a few deep breaths. I can still taste Hugo on my lips, still smell his cologne.

I know what I need to do, but at the same time I’ve never felt so unclear in my life. All I know right now is that I need to get out of this mess. I turn the ignition and throw the car into reverse.

I pull into a parking space and stare up at Alex’s flat. My heart is hammering against my ribs like a marching band. I drag my hands through my hair and squeeze my eyes shut, trying to gather my scattered thoughts. I don’t know what I’m going to say.

I take a deep breath and open the door. The climb up his stairs feels like miles. I knock tentatively on the door, half hoping he’s out and I can put this off.

A few seconds later I hear footsteps and then the door swings open revealing Alex’s smiling face. My stomach bottoms out and I bite my lip as tears threaten immediately.

“Molly?” His smile disappears and his eyebrows pull together in a frown. “What’s wrong?” He reaches out and touches my shoulder reassuringly. Shit, I don’t know if I can do this. Now that I’m here, my resolve is wavering. “Come in.” He ushers me into the flat, the flat that I’m supposed to be moving into tomorrow. I feel like a zombie as I shuffle into the hallway.

“Alex, I…” I croak. “I have to talk to you.”

“Okay.” He leads me through to the sitting room, taking a seat on the sofa. I stand there, numbly facing him.

“I can’t move in with you.” I blurt.

His golden eyes move slowly over my face, and I want to shrink away from his studious gaze. Surely he’ll see what an awful person I am, the things I’ve done. I cheated on him. Oh, god. I cheated on him! My eyes start to prickle, and tilt my head back, looking at the ceiling and trying desperately not to bloody cry.

“What’s going on Molly? If it’s too soon, then we can delay it.”

I shake my head. “No, I just, I can’t.”
Just say it Molly
. “I can’t be with you anymore.”

He looks shocked. Of course he looks shocked. He thought he was moving in with his girlfriend tomorrow, and now she’s here trying to break up with him. He eventually stands up and moves in front of me, blocking out the rest of the world with his massive presence. He gently cups my face, and I close my eyes. I can’t look at him.

“Talk to me Molly.” He says in that soothing, deep tone of his. I shake my head, because there are no words that can make this any better. It’s horrible. My chest aches. “I love you.” That does it. The dam bursts, and tears streak down my cheeks. I press my hand to my mouth to try and stem the choked sobs coming from my mouth. What the hell is wrong with me? Isn’t this what I want? I turn away from him and his hand falls to his side. “Please tell me what’s wrong. This isn’t you. I can see you don’t want this.”

He’s right, I don’t want this, but I don’t want him as much as I should. I don’t want him more than I want Hugo, and that makes this wrong and unfair to him on so many levels. He shouldn’t be a consolation prize.

I hear him move behind me before his arms wrap around me, comforting me. I am a vile person.