Ruin Porn (35 page)

That was a fresh betrayal unto itself.

Detroit

F
INN
’
S
DAD
hung up the cordless phone and set it on the picnic table. “He doesn’t want to see or talk to any of you.”

Ritchie rubbed at his eyes, smooshed his face under his hands, then put his chin on balled-up fists. “With all due respect, I don’t give a fuck, Mr. Reese. Finn doesn’t know what he needs right now.”

“I meant what I said to him. You won’t hear his secrets from me or Elizabeth unless he gives us permission.”

Ritchie stood and clamped a hand over Finn’s dad’s shoulder, leaning down to kiss him on the head. “Wish mine and Miah’s dad were like you.” Coming here had been a last-ditch effort, but one he had to make. Ritchie opened the gate to leave the Reeses’ backyard.

“You three may not have needed each other the same way if that had been the case,” Finn’s dad called out over his shoulder.

Ritchie’s heart ached as he replied, “Can’t say whether that would’ve been bad.”

Los Angeles

M
IAH
HELD
his cell out to Evin. “Ritchie wants to talk to you.”

Evin took the phone and put it to his ear. He’d been avoiding Ritchie’s calls and texts for three months now so had no idea what kind of a greeting—or defaming—to expect. “Hey.”

“I miss you, Ev.”

Guilt. Of course Momma Ritchie would go with guilt. Evin could only feel affection for the man on the other end of the line, though. A sad remembrance of fondness.

“I miss you too.” Saying it out loud made it real. He’d missed them all more than he was angry.

“Finn’s dad refuses to tell me where he is. I know he’s okay. Heard his voice on the other end of the line.”

“I know where he is,” Evin reassured him.

“That’s what Miah said.”

Evin walked into his bedroom and shut the door. “Speaking of Miah, are you two good? He said you’ve forgiven him.”

Ritchie gave a dark laugh. “Miah hears what he wants to.”

“What does that mean?”

“I haven’t forgiven him.”

Evin sat down on the edge of the bed. “But you’ve been working behind the scenes to make this happen, bring us all back together.”

“Look. I did this for all of us. But Miah? I’m done with him. If you and Finn figure your shit out and decide to forgive him, then that’s your thing. I can’t, though. Things between him and I will never be the same again.”

Holy fuck.
“Does that mean you’re done with Rez?”

Ritchie sighed. “No, kid, I’m not going to leave you hanging. Figure your shit out with Finn first. Then we’ll talk a reunion tour. Important shit first from now on.”

“Yeah. Okay.”

“Good luck.”

Northern Michigan

E
ACH
SWING
of the axe, each flex and roll of Finn’s muscles helped to clear his mind of anything but the power in his body, the sweat rolling down it, and the satisfying sound made from iron hitting wood. He refused to allow this place, this small sanctuary to be tainted by ugly thoughts and memories. Here in the peaceful woods surrounded by nothing but majestic pines, wild life, beauty, he could pretend everything else in his life was fine, could deny what was happening beyond the small bubble he was hiding in. It wasn’t without a shit-ton of effort, physical exhaustion, and a crap-ton of alcohol, but he was managing.

Sometimes.

He pulled back and let the axe fly again, the log splitting in half and sending up a spray of chips and splinters that stuck to the sweat on his chest. He grunted, grabbed another log, and stood it up on end. He pulled the axe back, halting midswing when a flash caught his attention and he spotted the chrome fender of an old sedan.

“Someone took one hell of a wrong turn at Albuquerque.” He lowered the axe and pulled the headphones from his ears. No one ever came out here; hell, no one knew where this place was but a handful of people.

The car came to a stop alongside him, and when the tinted window lowered, Finn’s heart fell into his gut before it leapt back into his chest and thumped wildly.

Evin.

Finn refused to acknowledge the way Evin’s eyes roamed up and down Finn’s body, the appreciative look on the man’s face, or the way it caused Finn’s skin to tingle and his blood to warm. Nope, he wasn’t going there.

“I gotta say, you’re the only man I’ve ever seen crazy enough to chop wood barefooted,” Evin commented, his words light, but Finn heard the tightness and the nervous tone.

With his free hand, he wiped the wood splinters from his chest without saying a word. He didn’t know what to say, nor did he think he could speak beyond the lump in his throat or the anger raging and swirling with the elation. Instead he dropped the axe and started to walk away.

“We need to talk,” Evin called out.

“The fuck we do.”

“Miah—”

Finn whirled around. “Do not fucking talk to me about Miah.”

Evin stepped out of the car, but stayed behind the driver’s door. “Miah had his reasons for going off the fucking deep end.”

“And they are?”

“I can’t tell you. You have to trust me that, as fucked-up as it sounds, he wasn’t lashing out at us. He was fighting back and trying not to lose something important to him.”

“Give me a fucking break, Evin. You expect me to believe that?”

“You gotta give some ground here.”

Finn lost his shit, waving his arms around, trying to encompass everything around him in his view. He looked like a fucking lunatic and he didn’t care. “You have all my goddamn ground, all of it! That’s been the fucking problem since the start. You own me! And when you left, when you abandoned me, I fucking fell apart.” Evin’s mouth went wide, then his face dropped, and Finn realized what he’d given away. He bristled. “Oh hell no. I am not doing this.” Finn turned right back around to go into the cabin. He thought better of his retreat two steps later and swiveled around to face Evin again. “You know what? No. Fuck it. You are not allowed here. Go. This is my safe space and you are anything but safe.”

“Me?” Evin slammed the car door shut with so much force the vehicle swayed. He barreled down on Finn. “
You’re
the unsafe one.”

“You gonna come at me now, huh? Go for it. Go right ahead.” Finn tapped his chin and tilted his head up. “Give it to me right here. I dare you.”

Finn was all glass at this point, and if Evin decided to take that shot, that would be it. No recovery, no picking up the pieces and fixing himself, he would be irrevocably broken. But he wouldn’t back down or show the weakness eating at him from the inside. He’d seen enough street brawls growing up to know that the first person to show their weakness was the first to fall, and that wouldn’t be him today. Nothing in his life had ever been as hard as losing Evin, as losing the support of Ritchie and Miah. If Evin took this shot, nothing would be lost again, because he’d never let anyone close enough to see how shattered he really was.

“You think I flew six hours, drove seven hours, got lost countless times on the fucking two-tracks in this shitty-ass forest that’s as thick as your fucking skull to come here and punch you? Why the fuck would I do that?”

Finn sniffed and didn’t take one step back, a detached calm settling into his bones. “You sure as hell look like it’s the only thing you want to do right now. If it isn’t why you showed up uninvited here, then you need to back the fuck up and walk away.”

“I’m not walking away from you.”

Finn sneered. “You’re not walking away from me
again
.”

“You know why I came here? Hmm? Not to tell you that Miah confessed to me and I know what he said in Brazil was all lies. I don’t need to tell you because you already knew that. Ritchie told you everything months ago. And for the last three months, I was the only one who didn’t know. I lived my fucking wrecked life believing all of you had betrayed me. You didn’t even…. You didn’t even pick up the phone to defend yourself and try to fix that. You just left it. How important can I really be to you if you were willing to let this ugliness keep us apart?”

“You should have known they were all lies. You should have known that I loved you and only you.”

Evin scoffed. “How the fuck was I supposed to know that?”

“Because I showed you, asshole! I lived and breathed you every goddamn day we were together and missed you every goddamn day we were apart.”

“It’s not the same thing as telling me you loved me.”

“Damn right, skippy. It’s not the same thing. Saying something and doing something are completely different. I gave you pieces of my life and my time and my hope that can’t ever be taken back like words can. I protected you by taking on Alessandra. I was a fucking buffer between you and Miah. I let you touch me like I’ve never let anyone else. I gave myself to you and you thought so little of me that you thought everything I’d done wasn’t real.”

“I believed Miah’s lies.”

“By believing Miah, you doubted
me
.”

Evin’s features melted at those words, realization kicking in like a physical alteration to his body. Finn thought he’d finally gotten through to Evin, then Evin’s features clouded again.

“Wait. So you were punishing me?”

Whoa.

Was that what he’d been doing?

“I wasn’t… I didn’t….” Finn stumbled over his words. Trying to find an error in Evin’s accusation, he found he couldn’t. “Shit.”

Evin scanned Finn’s face and broke out into laughter. “Holy fuck. We are fucking pieces of work, man.” Evin’s shoulders sagged, and he plopped onto the ground, chuckling.

Finn squatted down next to him, putting them at eye level. “You still haven’t told me why you’re here.”

“Does it matter?”

He hurt so much there was only one answer to that. “I think it may be the only thing that does matter.”

“I don’t want to be your fake anything: your fake bass player or your fake boyfriend. I want you and me to be real, but I’m fucking terrified that I’m asking you for something you can’t give me. And I’m not just talking about me being publicly out when you’re not.”

Oh shit.
Finn sat down next to Evin, took a deep breath, and stared into the shimmering poplar leaves. Everything around him was movement and change and he hadn’t been able to find his equilibrium, but there on the dirt in front of his busted-up cabin sitting shoulder to shoulder with Evin, he was steadier than he’d been in months. And yet Evin didn’t feel the same surety.

He sighed. “Why wouldn’t I be able to give you that?”

“Ritchie. He was always around, always in the mix.”

“Except when he wasn’t.”

“But there was never a time where I got anything from you that said you didn’t want him to be there anymore. And it was casual with him, why wouldn’t it have been just casual with me too?”

“Because it never was, even when I was trying to tell myself that was all I wanted from you. I couldn’t keep the rest out.”

Evin scrubbed his hands over his face. “Please don’t make me misinterpret that. Do you mean love?”

Finn scoffed. “It’s such an overused word. It’s lost meaning.”

“Not to someone who’s never heard it said back to them, Finn.”

Finn’s breath caught as if his ribs were clamping down, protecting his heart from being shredded. But it had been too late long ago—Evin was already in there. Evin’s pain was Finn’s pain, and he hadn’t realized until now how much he was hurting both of them. He’d grown up surrounded by love, had learned that showing love meant a hell of a lot more than saying three simple words. But, Evin… Jesus, the guy had never been told he was loved, so how could he have recognized love when it was right in front of him?
Shit.
How could Finn have been so fucking oblivious for so long to what Evin needed?

Finn pushed to his feet and held out his hand. “C’mon.”

“Why?” Evin asked, allowing Finn to pull him to his feet.

Finn laced their fingers. “I want to show you something. And tell you. Fuck, Ev. You gotta hear me when I say I love you. I should’ve said it months ago. Fuck, I’m so sorry.”

Finn circled his arm around Evin’s waist and pulled him close, resting his cheek on Evin’s and breathing him in.

“I love you, Ev. And I love Ritchie too, but not like that. You’re the only one I love like this.”

Evin kissed Finn’s shoulder, lips lingering against his skin. “Same, Finn. So fucking much the same.”

He stepped back and grasped on to Evin’s chin so they were eye to eye. “Does that mean you love me too?”

Evin grinned. “Yeah. Love you too.” Then Evin’s face clouded. “You think we can get past this? Do like a reset or something? I don’t know how we start again….”

Finn had no doubts. “We’re a team, babe. I’m not going to pull a Zayn and go solo on you. It’s you and me—ride or die—okay? Now come on. Let me show you my safe house.”

Evin laughed as Finn urged him to follow.

“Nice place,” Evin commented as they stepped into the log cabin.

“Uh-huh,” Finn replied without slowing down. He led Evin to the bathroom. “Strip,” he demanded and shoved his shorts down before turning on the taps on the shower.

“I’ve seen it before,” Evin chuckled but wasted no time in shucking his clothes. “Definitely want to see it again.”

The instant they were under the spray, allowing the warm water to wash away the sweat and grime, Finn grabbed Evin’s shoulders and kissed him until he was pressed against the tile wall.

“Fans can kiss these,” Finn murmured as he kissed Evin’s cheeks and nose and then brushed his lips against Evin’s. “But no one, and I mean no one, will ever kiss these again but me.”

Finn took Evin’s mouth in a deep, searing kiss, moaning as Evin’s tongue slid along his, setting off sparks. He explored, reacquainted himself with Evin’s mouth and flavor and heat as his hands roamed along the taut muscles of Evin’s back and ass. God, he’d missed this man, had ached so badly every fucking day to touch him again. He wanted nothing more than to lose himself in Evin until they were both sated and boneless, but first he had something to prove.