Royally Screwed: British Monarchy Revealed (13 page)

Most of the people reading this piece are unlikely to have ever met the Duchess of CornBull and let’s face it if your reading THIS book, most of you wouldn’t want to!  Nevertheless, this doesn’t prevent us from observing behavior that some would call…… BIZARRE; particularly if this person was living off your hard earned money and lording it over you in such a way that if you were to meet her, it would be necessary for you to curtsey and show subservience.

You might even think that you were entitled.  It is your money; maybe it’s your business, to discover what is behind the strange shaking; the walking into doors and falling off chairs that we have observed over the years since the wedding when Millie officially became the second bride of Chucky.

Let’s begin with the wedding day - uncontrollable shaking in the Church, could be put down to a seriously bad case of the wedding day jitters or possibly the result of a right royal hangover?

Let’s fast forward several months and we are in Washington with a serious case of ‘shakinallover’. There she was, the Duchess of Popcorn, standing in front of the White House, doing a really bad impression of Elvis as she turned her back on 150 cameras belonging to the World’s press and faced the building BEHIND her!  What was she doing?  Had her emergency ciggie fallen down her dress?  Was it still lit?  Was she trying to puff it or put it out?  The President took her by the shoulders and turned her around and pointed at the cameras (you need to face them) which were clearly IN FRONT of her!!!!  She was obviously distracted and her poor mind preoccupied, but with what????

Probably thoughts of a large gin and tonic, and please God, I hope I didn’t burn a hole in my new silk panties with that ciggie.

Now we all understand the need for a little ‘tipple’ in the afternoon: A ‘tipple’ being some alcoholic beverage or other; or a cocktail, during Happy Hour.  A drink that says, we made it through the day so we deserve this and let’s have another so that we can really enjoy the evening! Now let’s say that you have been drinking 3 sometimes 4 ‘tipples’ a day since you were thirty and now you are pushing sixty. And let’s just say, for example, that some days had been particularly difficult to deal with, so instead of having 3 or 4 you had… 5 or 6... or maybe some days were just ‘bloody awful’, so when 5 didn’t even calm you; then what about 7 or 8? How much would you need to drink before you conceded that there might be a little problem?

If alcohol and nicotine have been such a big part of her life where she was used to drinking and smoking whenever she wanted; and then suddenly her life changes dramatically and where she just can‘t ‘grab a fag’ like she used to, or slug down a shot because she is very much on public display for hours on end and people are watching her every move.  But she does have plenty of money so she can buy Doctors to give her pills that will ease the symptoms of uncontrollable shakes; excessive perspiration and the mental preoccupation with “where is my next ciggie, or gin and tonic coming from”?

Now we would hate to point the finger and say that it looks like the future Queen of England has a problem with the ‘A’ word (allegedly) or perhaps she has a mysterious, unidentifiable ‘illness’, that makes her shake, walk into doors, fall off chairs, and turn her back on 150 cameras from the Worlds’ Press.

We would hate to jump to any conclusion that it looks and smells like the ‘A’ word because it could just be the symptoms of… soggy brain!  Oh no, that can’t be right, because remember, Millie is a deeply intelligent woman who can often be quoted for her deeply intelligent sayings.

Straight From the Horse’s Mouth

(Sage wisdom from the mouth of Millie)

“I REALLY need a gin and tonic.”

Millie, on meeting Chuckie for the first time. 

“My great-great grandmother, was your great-great grandfathers mistress, so how about it.”

Millie to Diana:

“But you have everything you ever wanted, money, titles, 2 healthy boys, what more could you possibly want?

Diana:  “my husband”.

“I really, really need a gin and tonic.”

“Get me a gin and tonic.”

Great Royal (and Common)
Minds Think Alike

A popular Monarch is one who has a finely tuned ear to the thoughts and minds of its people (sometimes referred to as “peeps”).

After the abdication of King Edward VIII, his mother, Queen Mary was heard to remark, “I can’t believe he’s giving up all this… for THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” (Referring to Wallis Simpson.)  HOW TRUE!

The current Queen has a sharp awareness and innate instinct as to what her peeps want.  She may be one of the richest women in the world but she understands the feelings of her subjects..

The Queen openly referred to Millie as ‘that wicked woman’.  The Palace said that Chucky was ‘a problem’ and Millie, ‘a contagion to be eliminated’. 
[Now tell us how you really feel!]

Even the ‘out of touch’ Duke of Edinburgh [Chucky’s dad] wrote to Princess Diana ‘We [the Royal ‘We’] couldn’t imagine anyone in their right mind leaving you for that woman!”

I think the big clue here is ‘in their right mind’ which obviously the future King isn’t.

In 2007, William and Harry made a beautiful memorial service to honour their mother on the 10
^th
anniversary of her death.  They made all the preparations, wrote their own personal eulogies.  William sat with the Windsor family and Harry sat with the Spencers. The guest list was drawn up, and of course they invited their father with his new wife, but nobody in their right mind expected them both to attend. We are back here with the words ‘in their right minds’.  Chucky was determined to attend the ceremony with Millie, the public and the papers were furious, how could she sit there, in the front row of the church and be a part of this all important ceremony?  How could she be so completely insensitive to the feelings of the boys?? Just because they were polite enough to invite her, how could she be so thick skinned as to think they want her there?

Chucky and Millie were completely oblivious to the cries of the people, and Charles even said ‘They (William and Harry) want her there and so do I! So even though Diana had been gone for 10 years, his behaviour had not changed, and he showed the country what a complete buffoon he still was, and he was still putting his mistress in front of his wife and children.

On the Sunday, before the forthcoming event, the Queen stepped in. She told Millie it would be better if she found an alternative commitment to attend.  It would be better all round if she just stayed away.

The day was saved.  The ceremony was a real tribute to Diana from her sons and was appreciated by the country.  But no-one was appreciated more than the Queen, who understood and acted on the wishes of her people.

A Biblical Impression of Events Leading up to 9
^th
April, 2005
(Day of Depression and Doom - when Millie officially became ‘The 2
^nd
Bride of Chucky’)

And it came to pass, that on the last day of August in the year of our Lord nineteen hundred and ninety seven, in the small hours of the morning, a terrible death occurred in a land across the sea from Ol Blighty.

Whilst the people of Ol Blighty slept in their beds, their own Princess, the Princess whom they had taken to their hearts for verily she was a fine and noble woman, the same Princess who had been abandoned by her Prince in favour of another, had died a terrible death, violent and sudden in most unnatural a manner. 

So the people of ’Ol Blighty slept, and when they awoke the terrible news of this unnatural death came to them from villages and townships and places in the world who had been awake whenst this terrible death occurred.

And the people wailed mightily and cried out in anguish, “She was so young! So full of life!,” as it is written. “How could she be taken thus?”  “So tragically, and in a foreign land?”  And answers came thus, “she was hounded by paparazzi” and “the driver was drunk”.

And the people were confused for they saw the driver and he appeared not to look as a drunk, or walk as a drunk and verily if he had had that much drink would not the people he was driving be aware of such?

For, verily, it was the last day of the summer.

And it came to pass, that on a day that was famous for never having any news, when most people left Ol Blighty and there only existed a skeleton staff at the BBC, the greatest news since the death of President John Kennedy found Ol Blighty empty and asleep and the BBC with a poultry crew and one presenter to report the news of ‘The Death of the People’s Princess’.

And the people turned to watch the news and the one presenter who remained alone to deliver the terrible news of the terrible death.  And he worked alone, as it is written, and without a break as he delivered the news as best as he could to a stunned and disbelieving nation on this the last day of summer the year of our Lord, nineteen hundred and ninety seven. 

And whilst reporting such terrible news, as it is written, the presenter became overwhelmed with grief and exhaustion and he began to cry and the people watched in silence and understood his pain.  And much grief afflicted the people and they looked to their Great Queen for some expression of her grief but verily she remained silent and remote.

And it came to pass that the people felt the need to express their grief and remember their Princess and leave messages for her and flowers.  And a giant sea of flowers grew outside the dwelling of the late Princess and the Palace left out but one table with four books at the Palace of St. James and people came from all over the land to express their love and grief in said books and the lines got longer and longer for the need to write messages and thoughts were strong.