Round and Round (20 page)

“We had stopped using protection, so when he left I got tested because… well… who knows what else he’d been keeping from me. Everything was fine, but he scared the hell out of me.”

Angus pulled to a stop at a light. “But you still care for him?”

Kevin didn’t answer right away. “I’d like to say that he’s out of my life, but it’s hard. I don’t feel the way I did when he left…. It’s weird. I don’t know what I feel, I guess. Suddenly he’s back and everything has been turned around again.”

“I see,” Angus said, but it was a lie. He didn’t understand anything, least of all what Kevin was trying to say.

“If you do, then explain it to me, because I don’t get crap. I should be over him and not thinking about him. Yet he shows up for five minutes, and he’s all I can think about. But not in a good way.” Kevin turned in his seat as the light changed. “I used to think about him all the time, and that was enough to put a goofy smile on my face. Now I want him to go back to Pittsburgh and leave me alone.”

Angus heard what Kevin was saying, but there was more behind it, and it settled in a lump in his throat. He understood being upset about seeing an ex, but it was obvious that Kevin still had feelings for Ken that he hadn’t worked through. It was those feelings that scared the hell out of Angus. If Kevin hadn’t cared, he wouldn’t have been upset and Ken’s appearance wouldn’t have meant anything.

Angus pulled the car into the garage on autopilot. He turned off the engine and stared at the back wall, seeing nothing. The original plan had been for Kevin to stay with Zach, but through some stroke of luck that had had Angus’s heart soaring, Kevin had felt comfortable with him and he’d stayed at his place. Even when Angus had gone back to work and had spent some nights at the station, Kevin had stayed at home, in his bed. That had meant a great deal.

“Come on, let’s get you upstairs,” Angus whispered, breaking himself out of his own thoughts.

Kevin opened the door and got out. Angus followed him. There was no energy in the way Kevin shuffled up the stairs and then flopped down on the sofa. He yawned and said nothing, sinking into his own world.

Not knowing what else to do, Angus took Kevin’s hand and gently helped him to his feet and then up to the bedroom.

“I’m sorry for flaking out,” Kevin said.

“It’s okay. You’ll feel better in the morning. Go get ready for bed. I have a few things to do downstairs, and then I’ll be back up.” Angus left and went to the kitchen. He puttered for a few minutes and then started a load of laundry. When he went back upstairs, he peeked into his room. Kevin was curled up on his bed, sound asleep. Angus didn’t want to disturb him, and for some reason sleeping in the same bed with him didn’t seem right. Kevin had decisions to make, whether he knew it or not. His ex was back and very interested in him.

Angus closed the bedroom door and grabbed a blanket and pillow from the linen closet. He used the hall bathroom to clean up and then went into the living room and lay down on the sofa. He was so tired he was asleep in a few minutes, but it wasn’t a deep sleep and his dreams were vivid and unsettled.

In the middle of the night, Angus woke, wondering if he’d heard something. But the house was quiet. He got up and checked on Kevin, who hadn’t moved an inch, still sound asleep. Angus watched him for a while. The tension he’d seen earlier was gone, his face and mouth at complete rest. He thought of joining Kevin in bed, but ended up back on the sofa, alone.

KEVIN WOKE
to an empty bed. He felt better—or at least he had until he woke alone. He couldn’t remember Angus coming to bed at all and got up, sleepily wandering through the house. He found Angus asleep on the living room sofa. He watched him for a few minutes and then turned and went back up to the bedroom. He thought he and Angus might have been developing something between them, something special. But maybe he’d been wrong.

Ken had shown up last night, and just like that Angus was pulling away. At least he knew where he stood.

“You’re awake. Did you rest?” Angus asked, pushing the blankets away and sitting up.

“Yeah, I slept,” Kevin said with a yawn that thankfully didn’t end with a coughing fit.

“I didn’t want to bother you….” Angus stood in his briefs and began folding up the blanket. “You were comfortable and I didn’t want to disturb you, or….”

“What? You didn’t want to sleep with me anymore?” Kevin blurted before he could stop his thought. “If that’s what you want, that’s fine.”

Angus took a step back. “I only thought you might need some time to figure out what you want.”

“Me?” Kevin blinked a few times in confusion.

“Yeah. You’re the one with the hot boyfriend who just breezed into town, and it was all you talked about on the way home, so I thought you needed some space to think. So when you fell asleep, I stayed here. It didn’t feel right to sleep with you if you had some other guy on your mind.” Angus grabbed the pillow and blanket, stomping out of the room. Kevin heard the closet door open and then slam closed.

“It’s over with Ken,” Kevin said. He tried to keep his breathing level but felt a coughing fit coming on.

“Are you sure? Because if it was, you wouldn’t be so worked up over him.”

“He left me, like everyone else,” Kevin said. “You should be able to understand that I can be angry about him, but I’m not going to go running back because he showed up. Yes, I loved him, but when he left, he told me what was important… and it wasn’t me.” He turned away and calmed the cough that threatened. He’d come looking for Angus, hoping they could talk and put this behind them. He cared about Angus, a lot, and Ken was in the past. Ken had left him, and that was something Kevin wasn’t willing to let go of.

“Are you sure that’s what you want? You were with Ken for a while, and he wants you back.”

“Are you pushing me to him because you don’t want me anymore?” Kevin had to keep his voice level or he’d break down, and he didn’t want to do that. “If that’s the way it is, then just say so. I can deal with a breakup. I’ve been through plenty of those. You don’t need to feel sorry for me because of all the stuff that’s happened. I’m going to be in my own place once again, and I can go back to making my own life. And you can go back to your roving ways and everything will be just fine.” Kevin was nearly yelling, and he didn’t know why.

“Kevin, that’s not what I want. But is it what you want? Do you want Ken in your life? Or me? Or neither of us? Do you just want to be free and on your own?”

Kevin’s head spun. He wasn’t sure of anything right now.

“I know what I want,” Angus continued, “and I was willing to give you time to figure it out, but now you’re angry with me for doing that.” They were circling each other, and Kevin glanced at the clock and swore under his breath.

“I have to get ready for work,” Angus said.

Kevin wanted to stop him, but he had to do the same.

The two of them moved around each other as they used the bathroom and then dressed. It was like they were strangers and neither wanted to see or touch the other one. After they were dressed, Angus drove him back to the club to pick up his new—well, new to him—car. They didn’t talk much on the drive over. Kevin said good-bye, got in the car, and started the engine. As he started to pull away, he saw Angus rush over. He stopped and rolled down the passenger window.

“I don’t know what all that was about. I wish I did, but my shift is going to keep me busy for a few days. I don’t want you to think I’m angry with you.”

Angus reached in the window, and Kevin took his hand. “I guess we have things to think about,” Kevin said.

Angus nodded. “I’ll be on shift for a few days, and talking is going to be difficult.”

Kevin’s stomach lurched at the thought of spending a couple of days wondering what Angus was thinking. Kevin hated that kind of relationship drama, but he knew this round of it was most likely his fault. That whole crap with Ken was overwhelming him, and then to wake up this morning and find Angus gone…. Kevin knew Angus was mad at him, no matter what he said.

“Call me when you can. I need to know you’re okay.” Angus squeezed his hand and then pulled away.

Kevin raised the window and pulled out. He made it to the corner and stopped. He checked his rearview mirror and thought of backing up so he could tell Angus that he cared about him, but he’d already gone back to his car, and Kevin was going to be late for work. He made his turn into traffic and headed toward his office. He tried to put their argument, discussion, whatever it was, out of his mind.

IT DIDN’T
work very well. Kevin moped inside his cubicle. He could see around the entire room, so he mostly kept his face turned away from the rest of the room so he wouldn’t spread his mopey vibes to everyone else.

His cell dinged and he answered Zach’s text, saying he would call him during lunch. Then he answered the next call in the queue. When he finished with his caller, he wrote up notes on the call, hoping he didn’t sound as down as he felt.

“What’s wrong?” Dort asked from the next cubicle as she hung up her phone. “You look as low as a gopher hole.”

“Nothing important, I guess. Man troubles, sort of.” He went to pick up another call, but the queue was empty, so he took a breather.

“Tell me about it.” Dort had been married at least three times. That much Kevin had gleaned from her stories. To hear her describe them, she picked the three biggest losers in the state. “You know what I keep telling you: just use them for sex and get you a dog for company.” Her phone rang and she picked it up. Kevin wondered if she was right and if he wouldn’t be better off without a guy in his life. He had good friends and was young enough that he could get sex if he wanted it, and the apartment he’d found would allow him a small dog or a cat, so he could have some company. Kevin knew he was being silly, but he could avoid all this drama.

“Go on to lunch,” Tom, his supervisor, said, and Kevin signed himself out of the phone system. He left the area and walked down the long hallway through the development support areas and then continued to the cafeteria. The building had been built over the course of twenty years, so there was very little cohesive design in the place, and in the summer with the air-conditioning on, like now, parts of the building baked while others froze. He made it through the deep freeze portion and into the cafeteria.

He got in line and called Zach. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing here. Just working. How about you?”

“Same.” He sighed. “Angus and I had a fight. At least I guess it was a fight. It was really weird.”

“Why?” Zach asked.

“Because Ken showed up as we were leaving the club. He made a scenelet, I guess, and said he wanted me back.”

“I hope you sent the jerk packing.”

“I told him he left me and that I wasn’t going to take him back. Angus stood up for me when I started to cough, and then we went to his place. He helped me into bed but then he spent the night on the sofa. He thinks I need to think about what I want, but I’m starting to believe that he’s getting tired of me and is using this as an excuse to step away.”

“So when was the fight?”

“This morning.” Kevin paused and placed his order, then paid for his sandwich. “I don’t know what to do. I really like him, and he’s so good to me—better than Ken ever was. Most of the time he listens to me, and he’s been so wonderful since my apartment burned down.” He stepped out of the way so he could talk without half the office listening in.

“So why did you fight? Just tell him that things are over between you and Ken and that you want to be with him.”

“But what if he’s just using this as an excuse to get away?”

“What if he isn’t?” Zach countered. “Ken shows up out of the blue. He’s your ex, and Angus knows you had feelings for him. Angus isn’t a mind reader. And most people can’t just turn off their feelings. So maybe he’s scared you’ll go back to Ken.”

“Hold on,” Kevin said as he took the tray with his food and carried it to a table. He sat down and picked up his phone again. “Sorry.”

“Think about it. If one of his exes suddenly showed up, you’d be on the phone to me, crying because you were afraid that Angus was going to go back to… Liam, or whatever his name was. Give the guy a little reassurance and show him that you care. Sometimes you boys are so obtuse.”

“You’re six months older than me,” Kevin groused.

“Fine. But if you care about him, then show it. Things aren’t that hard if you’re willing to put yourself out there a little and take a chance.”

“But what if he’s just using this as an excuse?”

“Then you’ll know and can move on. What part of take a chance don’t you understand?” Zach paused, and Kevin wondered what he was doing. “Do something. Take action. You’ll feel better, and then you’ll have answers to all the questions you’re stewing over.” Kevin heard more rustling. “I have to get back to work, but I’ll talk to you later.”

“Thanks,” Kevin said and hung up, put his phone in his pocket, and then began eating his lunch.

When he was done, he returned to his work area and signed back into the phone system. He felt a little better, even if he still didn’t know what he was going to do.

ONCE HE
was done with work, Kevin got into his car and wondered where he should go. Since the fire, he’d gone to Angus’s. But now he didn’t know what to do and called Zach, who told him to come to his place. Kevin hurried to Angus’s and used the key he’d given him to go inside. He tried not to think too much about where he was or the things he and Angus had done there. He grabbed a change of clothes and then locked up and left again.

As he headed for his car, a man ran across the street about two houses away. Kevin tensed and ran the rest of the way, started his car, and pulled away as fast as he could. He turned on the Bluetooth phone system in the car and told it to call Angus. “Please answer.”

“Kevin, I’m on my way back from a call,” Angus said when he answered. It was noisy in the background.

“I saw him. He was on the street where your house is. I just saw him.” Kevin pulled to a stop at the first light and then made the turn so he could get over to the freeway. “I don’t know if he’s following me or not, but I saw him and he knows where I was staying and where your house is.”