Rotten (9 page)

This must have been what David was going to show me. He thought I would be pissed to know that my daddy’s money was spent on this. I couldn’t be more humbled. My dad used what he had to help others. He used this money to put me through school, and how did I repay him? He gave and gave – that’s why his house was falling to shit. He was blowing his money making sure that the kiddos had new uniforms, or that the families had enough to eat. He sacrificed so others did not have to do without.

I curled into the fetal position, devastated at my misconceptions of my father and this place. I wondered if they knew what he was doing. I wondered why he let that stupid bitch rob him blind. So many more questions poured in that I didn’t have answers to. When I didn’t come out again, David went looking for me. Opening the door and seeing me on the ground, he immediately dropped to his knees and pulled me close.

“Is this what you were going to show me? Is this why you thought I would be pissed?” I set the ledgers down and fell deeper into his chest.

“Yeah, part of it. I didn’t know how to tell you. He doesn’t make anything here; he gives it all away. It’s barely enough to cover the bar and his house. Luckily, he took out some health insurance, but we’re just paying the premiums as we go. If he doesn’t wake up, you’re all that’s left. Our fate is in your hands. If you decide you don’t want this place, you can shut it down.”

I was transported back to my desk in Indy…the one where the destiny of troubled kids rested in my hands. Once again I was left to make a decision that impacted the lives of many, and neither answer was desirable. If I shut down the club, I destroyed one of the few resources that kept this town thriving. If I kept it open, I was committing myself to a life of judgment and rejection. It was too much to think about tonight. I stood and placed the ledgers back on the shelf and walked to the door. David grabbed my shoulders and pulled me tight as I cried. He knew the weight resting on them, because it rested on him, too.

Lacing my arms around his waist, I held on until everything was gone. Exhausted, he led me out the door and through the club. Everything was shut down, and a small pile of bills sat on the bar.

“They refused to take your cut.”

Holding the stack in my hands, I shoved it in my purse and kept walking. The cool night greeted my sore bones. David held the door on the GT and waited until I was secured. Driving back in silence, we crawled once again into the bed that had become our refuge. As soon as my head hit the pillow, I was dead to the world. Darkness overcame me, and the vivid dreams reappeared.

I was eighteen and had just received my acceptance letter. My daddy’s face held the bittersweet expression of defeat.

“I’m proud of you, pumpkin, but you don’t have to leave Nevada. Maybe go to Arizona or California. I will pay for you to go anywhere. Indiana is awfully far away. I don’t know how often I can visit.”

I held the letter, beaming with excitement. It was finally my chance to make a decision. A new place, new faces, no one to tear me down or mock me. I could go to a closer school, but they offered a full ride.

“Daddy, let me go, please? I need this!”

My voice was desperate. I couldn’t see the anguish in his eyes beyond my own selfish needs. He knew once I left there was no coming back. Saying yes meant he was losing me forever.

“I just want you to be happy. If this is what you want, then this is what you will do. I won’t stop you.”

I jumped into his arms, nearly knocking him over.

“Oh thank you, Daddy, thank you! I promise you won’t regret it. I will work so hard, I will make you so proud!”

He leaned in and kissed my forehead while stroking the back of my head.

“Toni, I am already so proud of you. More than you will ever know.”

I opened my eyes to the soft sound of David snoring next to me, his chest lightly rising and falling with each breath. His arm held my hip possessively through the night. When I went to move, he groaned and pulled me closer. I reached my hand up and started to trace the crest of his cheeks and jaw. He moved slightly, but did not wake up. I continued down his neck and shoulders to the small of his back.

His palm flexed and started to rub gently along my sides. I knew I shouldn’t be here, but I was. Nothing had conspired between us, but the tension was there. Years of pent-up emotions were finally allowed to surface, leaking slowly from the top. I loved this man with all of my being. I couldn’t confess it, but it was engrained in my soul. He was the first man I ever loved, and probably always would love. Before me laid my heart’s desire, caught in a deep slumber in my arms. If only all of life could be this perfect, my broken heart might actually mend.

The loud chime of an incoming call caused me to groan before I rolled over. David’s fingertips dug into my hip. “Don’t get it; call them back,” he said sleepily.

I breathed out a sigh of resignation. “They might be him, as in my husband. I haven’t talked to him in a few days…just random texts.”

I felt the air push out of his lungs and blow over my eyelashes. His fingers released their grip so I could check and see who was indeed calling.

“Drew, good morning.”

“It may be morning for you, but it’s a little after noon. I just left mass and thought this might be a good time to catch you. Did I wake you?”

I coughed a little to clear my throat. The heavy cigarette smoke and liquid from the fog machines had done a number on me.

“Yeah, went out last night. Did you see Fr. Joseph by chance?”

The line grew quiet. “I did, that’s why I haven’t called. He told me that you are setting things right in your soul and not to worry – God has it all under control.”

A large smile grew over my face at the priest’s kind words and made my heart ache at the same time.

“My soul is definitely doing something. It’s a good thing God is in control because I am a fucking wreck.” My hand pulled to my mouth as soon as the words left it. I never cursed in front of Andrew.

“Did you just say what I think you did?”

“I’m sorry. It has been rough out here. I didn’t mean to curse.” Massaging my palm against my forehead, I paced the room back and forth, waiting for him to respond.

After a few moments, he sounded apprehensive. “Well, I am going to go. The guys have tickets to a Cyclones game in Cincinnati, so I will be gone for the afternoon.”

I laughed while looking at David who was leaning against the headboard with a sullen expression. “I didn’t know you liked hockey. Ask your buddies if they have heard of David Stark. Maybe if I sweet talk him, I can get you an autograph.”

“Um, okay, Annie. Talk to you later.”

“Bye.” I hung up the phone and walked away before he could see me cry. There was no “I love you” or “I miss you.”

It was a courtesy call, like a cable company asking if your service was okay.

Since I was up, I started to boil water to make coffee. Banging the kettle against the sink, I could feel the desire to fight flow through my veins. I wanted to scream or punch something. So I did. My small fist made a divot in the drywall of David’s kitchen. I barely felt the rips in the thin skin across my knuckles or the warm blood oozing out. In a flash, he was behind me, holding tight to restrain me from doing any more damage.

“Push it out, Toni, keep fighting. Don’t hold it in.”

I continued to jerk under his iron grip until my muscles grew fatigued, and the angry screams turned to anguished sobs. Under most circumstances, you want a person to calm down, but David was the opposite. He knew exactly where I was and what I needed to do to get through this. He knew I was desperate, and desperate people did desperate things. He has seen me in this place before, and the fear I may take the same course of action must rest in the back of his mind. I would never do such a thing, but history would never let him forget.

I could hear myself sound feral as I wrestled him on the ground. “God, woman you’re strong.” His teeth gritted together as he had to move swiftly to keep me caged. Twenty minutes must have passed by before I was finally subdued.

Pinned down by his thighs and arms, I rolled my head to the side. “Uncle.”

David gave a hearty laugh but refused to let me up. I always said that, knowing he would laugh and I would attack him the moment he let me up. Looking back up at him, the warm tears poured down my cheeks and into my ears. His face dropped and he moved his legs to free them. I did not buck or kick; I wouldn’t fight this time. His hands came down to my face, the pads of his thumbs wiping the tears away. As I reached up to run my fingers through his hair, he closed his eyes and leaned into them.

“I love you.”

His eyes opened at my words. As he hovered over my body, I relaxed my knees and allowed him to sink deeper into my hips. I wasn’t trying to seduce him; I just wanted him close. I wanted to know what it felt like to have someone who cared about me within the short distance of a kiss. To feel the way their bodies trembled under my fingers. To know I could still do that. I traced his full pink lips with my index finger and felt his breathing grow shallow.

“I love you, too, Toni.”

“Please kiss me.” My voice was shaky and pleading, as if I needed this kiss to keep me among the living. I did.

He tilted his head, and his mouth came down softly over my own. As he pressed gently, I started to melt. Shifting his weight more onto his elbows, he cradled my face as I began to cry hard. He didn’t stop; he knew he couldn’t. For my sake, I needed this moment of intimacy to feel not only feminine and human, but loved. The world stopped when his lips touched mine. The thrill I felt the first time he kissed me hummed sweetly in my veins. He broke our contact all too soon and placed one more feather-light kiss across my forehead. Standing up, he reached his hand down to me and pulled me close to him in the most protective embrace.

“You’re not a fucking wreck. You are the strongest, most beautiful, foul-mouthed woman I know. Who you were on that phone is not you. You should never have to apologize for who you are. I thought you would know that by now. And I know God is in control, too.”

I looked up at his strange admission. David was never religious, so him speaking of God definitely made my ears perk up.

“And how do you know that,Yoda?”

He paused for a moment, clenching his jaw, seemingly holding back tears of his own. His voice choked a little.

“Because I have spent the better part of the last decade praying for the ability to make things right with you. Praying for you. Asking God to watch over you because I couldn’t. I know better than to question how he works. You being here is proof he hasn’t given up on my sorry ass.”

I gave my biggest smile, thinking about the kind of conversations David Stark had with God in the wee hours of the night or on bathroom floors drunk or before games. There was no doubt He heard many of those, considering we were still better off than most people we knew. I just wish I felt a little more certain about what would happen even tomorrow. But that is life; we are never promised tomorrow.

After the morning’s episode, we showered and headed over to the house. Today was going to be nice, because nearly the entire staff offered to come and help paint the walls to knock it out quickly. David and I stopped by the club and grabbed a few cases of beer to bring along. All of the plastic had been laid and the edges taped before we arrived. I couldn’t stop smiling at how it was coming together. Daddy was going to be blown away to see that people loved him, and that they just needed the opportunity to give back. I really wanted him to see this. It was cruel to think that the Almighty would orchestrate something so crazy for nothing.

It was obvious I picked out the paint colors, because daddy would have looked at the samples and categorized them in primary tones. There would be no khaki, camel, or taupe. No, it would be all shades of brown. Nic had a sewing machine she let me borrow, and I dug out the scraps of fabric to show her.

“You’re putting pleather curtains up? Really?” She smiled while holding the shiny black pieces.

I pulled another burlap type of fabric out in a tan color. “It’s going to be two layers: this one to allow light in but still be shaded, the other to block out most of the light but still look manly. I am going to install rolling blackout shades just in case it doesn’t work like I hope.”