Rodrick Rules (6 page)

Rory worked all day and all night, and to make a long story short, the end result

was not a fixed car.

[Image: A cartoon of a man talking to the monkey near thecar] "Rory!!!"

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After it was all over, Rory had learned a very valuable lesson: Rory is a monkey.

And monkeys don't fix cars.

[Image: A Monkey.] "THE END"

After I finished my paper, I showed it to Rodrick. I figured he wouldn't get it, and

sure enough, I was right.

[Image: A cartoon of two boys in front of their truck.] "Monkeys don't understand

English, stupid."

Like I said before, Rodrick knows he's got me under his thumb with this "secret"

thing. So I have to get my licks in any way I can.

108

Wednesday

Today was Manny's first day of preschool, and apparently it didn't go so great.

All the other kids in Manny's school started back in September. But Manny wasn't

potty trained until last week, so that's why he had to wait until now to make the

jump from day care.

Manny's preschool was having their Halloween party today, so it wasn't the

greatest way to introduce him to his classmates.

[Image: A cartoon of some small preschoolers.]

Manny's teachers had to call Mom at work and have her come get him.

[Image: A cartoon of two ladies in front of a cupboard.]

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I remember MY first day of preschool. I didn't really know anyone, so I was pretty

scared about being around a bunch of new kids. But this boy named Quinn came

right over and started talking to me.

[Image: A cartoon of a boy talking to a small child.] "Do you like Ice cream?

Yeah!

Then why don't you marry it?"

I didn't get that it was a joke, so it really freaked me out.

[Image: A cartoon of a man scolding the child standing in front of an ice-cream

cone.]

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I told Mom I didn't want to go back to preschool, and I told her all about Quinn and

what he said.

But Mom told me Quinn was just being silly, and I didn't need to listen to him.

[Image: A cartoon of a Mom talking to her son in the bedroom.]

After Mom explained the joke, I actually thought it was pretty funny. I couldn't

wait to go back to school the next day and try it out myself.

But it didn't really have the same effect.

[Image: A cartoon of a boy talking to a playing child.] "You're gonna grow up and

get married to some ice cream! ha!"

111

NOVEMBER

Monday

It's been over a week since Rodrick's party, and I stopped worrying that Mom and

Dad were gonna bust us for it. But remember that bathroom door we switched out?

Well, I forgot all about it until tonight.

Rodrick was upstairs in my room bugging me, and Dad went into the bathroom. A

couple seconds later, he said something that made Rodrick stop cold.

[Image: A cartoon of two boys in the room.] "Hey...Didn't this door used to lock?"

I thought it was over. If Dad knew about the DOOR, it was just a matter of time

before he found out about the party.

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But Dad didn't put two and two together.

[Image: A cartoon of ywo scared boys in the room.] "I must be losing my marbles.

AHHHHH..."

You know, maybe it wouldn't be so bad if Mom and Dad found out about the party.

Rodrick would get grounded, which would be AWESOME. So if I can figure out a

way to spill the beans without Rodrick finding out, I'm gonna go for it.

Tuesday

I got my first letter from my French pen pal, Mamadou, today. I decided to adjust

my attitude and give this whole pen-pal thing my best effort. So when I wrote back

to Mamadou today, I tried to be as helpful as possible.

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[Image: A note to Gregory.] "Dear Gregory,

I am very privileged to make your acquaintance.

Mamadou"

[Image: A note to Mamadou.] "Dear Mamadou,

I'm pretty sure "aquaintance" doesn't have a "c" in it.

I really think you need to work on your English.

Sincerely, Greg"

I think it's dumb that Madame Lefrere won't let us use e-mail with our pen pals.

Albert Murphy has already written back and forth with his pen pal a bunch of

times, and it's costing them a lot of money in stamps.

[Image: Three notes for the boys.] "Dear Jacques- How old are you?

Dear Albert, 12.

Dear Jacques- Oh."

COST: $14

114

Friday

Tonight, Rowley's parents went out to dinner, so they got him a babysitter.

I don't know why Rowley can't just watch himself for a few hours, but believe me

I'm not complaining. Rowley's babysitter is Heather Hills, and she's the prettiest

girl at Crossland High School.

So whenever the Jeffersons go out, I always make sure to be up at Rowley's for

"story time."

[Image: A cartoon of a boy talking to the boy and girl on the sofa] "Can you

scooch over a little bit?

Sorry... There's really not enough room."

I went up to Rowley's at about 8:00 tonight. I even splashed on some of Rodrick's

cologne to make sure I made a good impression on Heather.

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I knocked on the door and waited for Heather to answer. But I was caught a little

off guard when Rowley's next-door neighbor Leland answered instead.

[Image: A cartoon of a boy looking surprised as a man opens the door.] "Hello!

Scream!!!"

I can't believe Rowley's parents switched babysitters from Heather to LELAND.

They should've at least checked with me before doing something stupid like

THAT.

Once I realized Heather wasn't there, I turned around to go back home. But Rowley

asked me if I wanted to hang out and play Magick and Monsters with him and

Leland.

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The only reason I said "yes" was because I thought it was some kind of video

game. But then I found out that you play it with pencils and paper and these special

dice, and that you're supposed to use your "imagination" or whatever.

It actually turned out to be pretty fun, mostly because in Magick and Monsters you

can do all sorts of stuff you could never do in real life.

[Image: A cartoon of a man and two children playing a game.] "I light Rowley's

eyebrows with a torch. OUUUCHHH..."

When I got home, I told Mom all about Magick and Monsters and how Leland was

a really awesome Dungeon Keeper. Rodrick overheard me talking about Leland,

and he said that Leland is the biggest nerd at his high school.

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But this is coming from a guy who spends his Saturday nights putting fake

throw-up on people's cars in the Home Depot parking lot. So I think I'll just take

Rodrick's opinion with a grain of salt.

[Image: A cartoon of a man looking at his dirty car and two men peeping from

behind the bundle of hay.] "What the heck?

Har har har!"

Wednesday

I've been going up to Leland's house every day after school to play Magick and

Monsters. I was headed up there again today when Mom stopped me at the door.

Mom has been acting real suspicious of this whole Magick and Monsters thing.

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And from the questions she's been asking me, I guess she must think Leland is

teaching me and Rowley witchcraft or something. So today, Mom said she wanted

to go WITH me to Leland's to watch us play.

I BEGGED Mom not to come, because first of all I knew she would never approve

of all the violence in the game.

[Image: A cartoon of a man telling about a treasure chest, throwing arrows at the

wizard and a dacoit, to the two boys.]

And second of all, I knew that having her in the room would totally ruin the whole

experience for everyone.

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When I begged Mom not to join us, it made her even MORE suspicious. So now

there was no changing her mind.

Rowley and Leland couldn't have cared less that Mom came with me. But I

couldn't enjoy myself, because I felt like a total dork playing in front of her.

[Image: A cartoon of parents looking at the game which the two children were

playing.] "Uh...My wizard talroc utters the spell of talrune."

I figured Mom would eventually get bored and just go home, but she stuck around.

And right when I thought she was finally gonna leave, Mom said that SHE wanted

to join in the game.

So Leland started setting up a character for Mom, even though I was trying to

signal to him that it was a big mistake.

120

When Leland created a character for Mom, Mom told Leland she wanted HER

character to be MY character's mother in the game.

I did some quick thinking and told Mom that all the characters in Magick and

Monsters are orphans, so she couldn't be my mother.

And Mom believed me. But then she asked Leland if she could NAME her

character "Mom," and he said "yes."

I have to give Mom credit for figuring out that loophole, but it totally ruined the

rest of the game for me.

[Image: A cartoon of the children talking to their parents about the game.] "I hand

a turkey leg to..." mom.

Thank you, Sweetie!"

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Even though Mom wasn't technically my mother in the game, she sure ACTED

like she was.

At this one point, our characters were hanging out in a tavern waiting for a spy to

arrive, and my dwarf, Grimlon, ordered a pint of mead. Mead is sort of like beer in

Magick and Monsters, and I guess Mom didn't approve of THAT.

[Image: A cartoon, the mother is making up a story in the game.] "Mom

accidentally bumps Grimlon's arm and spills his drink."

The worst part of the game was when we got into a battle situation. See, the whole

point of Magick and Monsters is that you're supposed to kill as many monsters as

possible so you can get points and move up in levels.

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But I don't really think Mom got that concept.

[Image: A cartoon of the father telling the kids about the monsters in the story.]

"You run into a pack of orcs... and they look hungry!"

[Image: A cartoon of the children looking scared as the mother keeps on speaking.]

"We give them all of our food!"

After about an hour of things going like this, I decided to quit. So I gathered up my

stuff, and me and Mom headed home.

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On the way back, Mom was really talking up Magick and Monsters, saying how it

could help me with my "math skills" and stuff like that. All I can say is, I hope she

isn't planning on becoming a regular at these games. Because the first chance I get,

"Mom" is getting handed over to a pack of Orcs.

Thursday

After school today, Mom took me to the bookstore and bought just about every

Magick and Monsters book on the shelf. She must've dropped about $200, and she

didn't even make me cash in a single Mom Buck.

[Image: A cartoon of a mother buying books for her son in the shop.]

I realized maybe I judged Mom a little too quick, and maybe it wasn't such a bad

thing having her in our group after all.

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I was all set to take my new books up to Leland's, but that's when I found out there

was a catch.

Mom actually bought all those books so me and RODRICK could play Magick and

Monsters together. She said it was a good way for the two of us to work out our

differences.

Mom told Rodrick she wanted him to be the Dungeon Keeper, just like Leland.

Then she dumped the pile of books on Rodrick's bed and told him to start studying

up.

[Image: A cartoon of a boy lying in the bed and his mother showing him a book.]

It was bad enough playing in front of Mom at Leland's house, but I knew playing

with Rodrick would be about ten times worse.

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Mom was serious about me and Rodrick playing together, so I knew I was gonna

have to go through with it. I spent about an hour up in my room making up

characters with names Rodrick couldn't make fun of, like "Joe" and "Bob."

[Image: A cartoon of a boy writing something in the books.]

Once I was finished, I met Rodrick in the kitchen, and we started our game.

[Image: A cartoon of two boys at the study table.] "You and your group of nerds

fall into a pit and it's full of dynamite and you blow up. The end."

I guess I should be grateful that it was over with quickly. And I just hope Mom

saved her receipts on those books.

126

Friday

The teachers have really been cracking down on kids copying off of each other this

year. Remember how I said I was glad I got put next to Alex Aruda in

Pre-Algebra? Well, THAT hasn't done me any good.

Mrs. Lee is my Pre-Algebra teacher, and I'm guessing she also had Rodrick when

he was in middle school. Because that woman watches me like a HAWK.

Sometimes I think it would be really cool if I had a glass eye or something like

that. First of all, I could use it to play all sorts of wacky tricks on my friends.

[Image: A cartoon of a boy throwing something at his friend to catch.] "Here catch!

Ok! What is it?"

But the main thing I'd use it for is to help me get better grades.

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On the first day of school, I'd aim my glass eye down like this:

[Image: A cartoon of a boy.] "Glass eye

Real eye"

Then I'd go up to the teacher and say, "Listen, I just wanted to tell you I have a

glass eye. So don't go thinking I'm looking at other people's papers."

[Image: A cartoon of a man at the table talking to the boy.] "Okee Doke. Thanks