Rocky Mountain Oasis (18 page)

Turning her head toward him, she teased, “What? No girls back home pining away for you?” However, her voice still held a note of seriousness from the earlier discussion of her own past.

Sky stared at the dark shadow of the ceiling. “There was a girl, but she is not pining away for me. Her name is Victoria Snyder. We...well,
I
had thought we might be married one day, but when Victoria found out that I wanted to be a lawman, she decided I wasn’t the man for her. Her father was a sheriff. He died in the line of duty when she was just twelve and she promised herself that she would never put her children in the same situation. So...it was never meant to be. It has taken me awhile to realize that, but I see it now. I never loved her like—” Sky’s voice cut off midsentence. This was not the right time to admit his feelings to her.

Brooke didn’t seem to notice his last sentence. “She left you, huh? Silly girl didn’t know a good thing—”

She had started out with a teasing tone but suddenly her eyes widened, and she turned her face away from him.

Sky’s heart did a flip. He quickly turned his face toward her but all he could see was the back of her head. He leaned his head back against the wall and whispered, “Hey.” She turned back partway and pressed her palms together in front of her. He tried again, his voice still soft. “Brooke?”

She turned toward him, looking him in the eye. His focus dropped to where she nervously worked her lower lip but then snapped back to her blue eyes. “I think I would like you to finish that last sentence.”

When she didn’t say anything, he prompted, “Silly girl didn’t know a good thing...?” His eyes never left hers.

“…when she had it.” Her words were whisper-soft. She took a deep breath.

One brow winged its way upward. “Those are some very enlightening words, Mrs. Jordan.”

Brooke’s heart hammered in her throat, and a shiver ran up her spine. He said “Mrs. Jordan” like an endearment.
I like that term just a little too much.
Shrugging, she saw a way out. “I only meant that it would have been nice for her to have a lawman around if ever there was any trouble.”

His eyes sparked and his mouth crinkled in amusement. “Did you?” His tone dripped disbelief. He lifted his head off the wall. “Did you know you can tell if someone is lying to you by their eyes? Your eyes betray you, Mrs. Jordan.” He leaned toward her, all amusement suddenly gone from his face. “Would you like it if I kissed you?”

She inhaled sharply. His face remained only inches from hers, in anticipation of her answer. Her gaze involuntarily dropped to his mouth and she quickly looked back up to his eyes.

She wanted to say, “Yes,” wanted to with all her heart, but the word stuck in her throat. Blood pounded in her ears, and an icy fear clenched her stomach. Memories of Hank flooded her mind, but the brown eyes before her were nothing like Hank’s. These were kind eyes. Yet she knew that she must never let herself fall in love with this man. She had fallen too far in her life. She had been through too much to ever allow herself to love again. Tears began to glaze her eyes. Why hadn’t she met Sky a long time ago? Her baby would be alive today if Sky had been her daddy instead of Hank.

Sky leaned back slightly. “Are you afraid of me, Brooke?”

Her eyes dropped to her lap. She shook her head.

“Come here. Will you trust me?” He held out his arms to her.

She didn’t look up at him. Her courage would fail her if she did. Even against her will, she leaned toward him as tears brimmed over to course down her cheeks.

His arms, firm but gentle, wrapped around her as he pulled her against him. Her cheek resting on his chest, she let her barriers down. All the pent-up tears she’d bottled up for so long poured out onto the front of Sky’s shirt.

Sky’s hand smoothed her hair away from her face. Gentle rain pattered outside, a low thrum beneath the louder sounds of firecrackers and revelry. For the first time in years she allowed herself to feel the comfort another person offered. She sobbed for a long time, grieving as her mind wandered over the past few years.

Hank had approached her at a church social, but the meeting had been orchestrated by Uncle Jackson. She had not known that for a number of years.

At first Hank had been charming and kind. He was darkly handsome, and Brooke had fooled herself into thinking that he actually cared for her. They were engaged in December with a date for the wedding set in July. Once they became engaged, Brooke gave in to his constant badgering and moved in with him. After all, they were to be married shortly; where could the harm be? Besides, it would get her away from Uncle Jackson.

Soon afterward the abuse began. The first time he had been in a hurry to get to an important meeting. Brooke had cleaned the house that day and moved a stack of documents that he needed for the meeting. They were in plain sight, but in his rush he hadn’t seen them and lashed out at her. Grabbing her by the front of her dress he lifted her off the floor and shook her. “Where are those papers? You better find them, or I’ll—”

Brooke shuddered at the memory, her hand coming up to her throat as if to rub away the memory of her dress collar cutting off her air.

The gentle massaging of Sky’s fingers on her neck soothed her. “Shhh, Brooke, honey. You’re all right. I’m here.”

She was so immersed in the memories that she barely heard his whisper. When she became pregnant, she thought things would change. She told Hank of her condition and waited to see what would happen. He treated her well for a couple of weeks—like when they had first met. But one day, when he came home tired from work, he had found her asleep on the couch instead of in the kitchen finishing dinner. He shook her awake. “You lazy whore!” Dragging her to the kitchen by her hair, he shoved her on the floor. “Get my dinner!”

In that moment, she knew things would never change. She determined she would not let her baby suffer from his fits of anger. The next day she packed her bags and headed out the door to move back to Uncle Jackson’s, but Hank had come home early to apologize for his outburst the night before. Predictable Hank. She should have expected him. After every incident, he came home, said he was
so
sorry, that it would never happen again, and would she
please
forgive him? However, on this day when he saw her, bag in hand, he went out of his head. He beat her until she passed out. Then, seeing what he had done, he came to his senses and carried her to Uncle Jackson’s. When she came to, she had already been bleeding for a long time.

Uncle Jackson sent for the doctor. “Brooke was out riding and fell off her horse,” he’d told him.

Early that morning, she gave birth to a perfect, tiny, stillborn girl. Brooke could still see her ten tiny fingers and perfect little toes. Her downy little head had been full of dark hair, just like Hank’s. Brooke wrapped one tiny hand around her little finger and carefully wiped away her own tears where they fell on the baby’s face.
If I could only have had just one day to show this little one how much I love her.
The doctor wrapped the baby in a square of pink cloth and gently laid her by Brooke’s side. The funeral had been the next day. Hank hadn’t come.

Sobs shook Brooke’s body now. Wracking sobs.

She had told Uncle Jackson that she would never marry Hank; he could kill her first. A week later her uncle came home and informed her she was being sent west as a mail-order bride. All that had happened less than seven months ago.

Brooke had assumed God was punishing her by allowing her baby girl to die. Yet here she was, being treated with the tenderest kindness she had known since the death of her mother and sister. Had God’s hand been on her all along?

When she could stop crying, she sat up, placing one hand on Sky’s chest and looking into his eyes. Giving him a watery smile, she said, “I’ve soaked the front of your shirt.”

“I don’t mind. Somehow I think you needed a good cry. Do you want to talk about it?” He tucked a stray curl of hair behind her ear.

She looked past him at the wall. Her voice was low and thoughtful. “I do, but I can’t.” She found she was able to be honest with him. “Someday.”

He frowned slightly, still playing with the hair by her ear. “There was another man besides your uncle, wasn’t there?”

She blinked. How did he know that? She wanted to tell him. To get the whole terrible confession off her chest. To ask him why God had taken her baby girl. But something held her in check. Could she ever reveal that much of herself to this man? She rubbed her hands together in a circular motion.

He moved around in front of her, sitting cross-legged with his knees touching hers. Gently, he took her hands in his own. “You do this when you are nervous.” Placing his palms against hers, he interlaced their fingers, his thumbs tracing hot paths down the sides of her hands. “Why are you nervous, honey?” He bent his head down, forcing her to meet his gaze. “Will you tell me about it? Tell me about this man.”

She looked into his face and wanted to tell him. Yet a thought flashed through her mind.
What will his reaction be when I tell him? What will he say when he learns that I have been with another man and borne his baby? I can’t bear to see the pain in his eyes or to think what the consequences might be.
She shook her head. “I can’t, Sky.”

A momentary hurt crossed his face but was quickly gone. “Someday then. Someday. I’m committed to you, Brooke. Nothing you say is ever going to change that.” He looked directly into her eyes. “Nothing. Do you believe me?”

She nodded slowly, but in her heart she felt sure it couldn’t be true. “Brooke, look at me.” She raised her eyes to his. His mouth hardened into a determined line even as his eyes softened. “I love you.”

Her heart stopped and then started again with double-time rhythm.

“I didn’t want to tell you like this. I wanted the time to be perfect, but somehow I think you need to hear it. I love you. You were the one meant for me from the beginning of all time. I know it now. Why God chose to bring us together the way He did, I don’t know. I do know that you are the one for me. You remember that. No matter what you are feeling or what you are afraid of. Know that I love you.” He brought one hand up and cupped her face, his thumb trailing over her cheekbone, his eyes never leaving hers. He leaned toward her. “Now, Mrs. Jordan, may I kiss you good night?”

How could she deny him anything, this man who had sacrificed so much for her? Brooke nodded.

His eyes sparked with pleasure and his head lowered toward hers.

But her hands turned clammy and just before his mouth touched hers, she gave a little gasp and pulled away. “I can’t, Sky! I’m sorry.” She scrambled to her feet as if running from a fire. She stumbled to the bed, lay down with her back to him, and curled herself into a tight ball.

Sky sighed, and ran shaking hands through his hair. Lacing them behind his neck, he let his head hang between his raised knees for a moment, trying to get a hold on his ragged emotions.

Then, slowly he climbed to his fee. He made his way to the lamp and paused to look down into her face. But her eyes were closed, her expression unreadable. Blowing out the light, he lay back down. He didn’t fall asleep for a long time, but it wasn’t the Chinese celebration outside that kept him awake. He was praying. For himself. For his and Brooke’s relationship. And for Brooke’s relationship with God.

11

Brooke lay silently listening to Sky’s even breathing. What had happened? Lately she had been longing for his touch; hoping he would approach the subject. But when he did—asking for a kiss, nonetheless—she had run as if for her life. Her heart still had not returned to its normal pace, and she was angry. At herself.
How long am I going to keep this up? What am I afraid of?

She knew the answer. Flipping onto her back in exasperation, she stared at the ceiling. She wanted nothing more than to feel his lips touch hers, to allow herself the luxury of loving again.
So what stopped me?
She was no longer afraid that he would abuse her as Hank had. The fact was, that although her heart told her he cared, her mind told her it could not be true. After all, he had only married her to protect her from his cousin. She would give herself to him in a heartbeat, but he deserved someone better. Not someone with a sullied past like hers. He deserved a woman that he could cherish with all of his heart, not a mail-order bride that he felt sorry for.

This thought propelled her mind on to new channels. What would happen to her when he finally realized that his feelings for her were not love, but sympathy? What would happen when he found out what her past had really been like? Would he send her back to Uncle Jackson? At the mere thought of going back to live with her uncle, Brooke sat up, her hand going to her heart.

Getting up, she crossed to the window, staring out into the darkness.

Sky is so special. He deserves so much more than I can give him. He deserves a woman who is pure and undefiled. Someone who believes like he does. I’ll never be good enough for him.

That thought hurt her more than she could have guessed. She resolved that she would not saddle Sky to her for the rest of his life. He should have better. But what could she do about it? She would figure something out.

Maybe in the spring she would just tell him that she wanted to go back east. Then she would stop in a nice small town on the way back and maybe become a teacher or a nurse. Something respectable. Pain filled her heart at the prospect of leaving Sky, but she didn’t know what else she could do to protect him.

Brooke leaned her forehead against the glass as she stood at the window staring out into the rain-washed darkness. In a bright flash of lightning, a movement in the alley below the window caught her attention. What was it? Another bright flash. She saw the alley more clearly this time.

A man stood below, and with shock Brooke realized she recognized him. Just then he glanced up and saw her looking down at him. A flash of surprise, and then pure venomous hatred crossed his face.

Brooke sucked in a quick breath and stepped back.
Why would anyone be out on such a dark, wet night?
Her curiosity got the best of her, and she stepped up to the window again.