RockMeTonight (10 page)

“Why not?” I reluctantly pulled away from her neck to look
around. “There’s nobody around.”

“Look up.” She pointed to the security cameras mounted on
the buildings.

“Fuck.”

“Let’s go someplace else.”

“All right.”

We walked down Brattle Street where my car was parked, passing
the multimillion dollar homes and the sign noting this street was known as Tory
Row back during the era of the American Revolution. Before we reached my car,
Lily pulled my arm. “Come in here.” She indicated a small park I hadn’t
noticed.

“Where are you going?”

“Just looking for someplace private.”

“Here?”

“I can’t wait to get to your place. Can you?”

“Hell no.”

“Look—the perfect spot.”

She led me under some kind of weeping willow tree. The snows
had melted but the night air was still cool, not that I felt the bite of it
with how much we’d heated up. I reached under her dress again and pulled her
stockings down over her legs, reaching into her panties and feeling how wet she
was.

“Now. Don’t wait,” she directed.

Not needing any more encouragement, I pulled off her boots,
stockings and panties. Then I quickly pulled my pants down past my knees.

“Crap, I don’t think I have a condom.”

“My purse.” She bent down and fumbled for a moment until she
found one. “Let me put it on.”

Her delicate hands smoothed the condom over my shaft and I
moaned when her fingers touched me there.

“It’s on. Now fuck me. Please.”

With one hand on her shoulder and the other directing my
way, I eased her back against the tree and maneuvered my cock against her warm
slickness. In two strokes, I was fully in and she gasped.

While I fucked her against the tree, I used one hand to
touch her clit.

“Yeah, right there,” she said, grinding against me harder.
Not long after, she said, “Oh God, Nico, I’m right there,” and then exploded
around me. She yelped out, but then bit my shoulder to stifle the sound. The
combination of her warmth spreading over me with the pain of her teeth sent me
over the edge with her. In three more thrusts, I buried myself into her,
collapsing against her.

Breathing heavy, she said, “You’re crushing me.”

“Sorry.” I pulled back. Removing the condom, I pulled my
jeans back on and found a trash can to get rid of the evidence.

As she found her clothing and boots and put them back on, I
said, “That was different. Can’t say I’d ever done it against a weeping willow
before.”

“It was fucking hot,” she said, kissing me.

“Hell yes, it was. Kind of makes me want to fuck you against
different trees.”

“The Mount Auburn Cemetery isn’t far from here. They have
dozens of trees from all over the world.”

“Don’t tease,” I said. “I’m already turned-on by the idea as
it is.”

After readjusting our clothing, we walked in silence to the
car, catching each other’s eyes occasionally as if communicating,
Can you
believe we just did that?

When drove back to the North Shore, I asked if she’d like to
come back to my place.

“Haven’t had enough of me yet?”

“Hell no. I’m just getting started with you.”

“Aren’t you going to New York in the morning?”

“Yeah. No big deal. I’d like to start off the day waking up
with you though.”

“Good.” She smiled and held up her purse. “Because I brought
my toothbrush and a change of underwear.”

We didn’t get to sleep until the early hours of the morning
since we took our time exploring each other. Finally we collapsed and went to
sleep. She fell asleep first, wrapped in my arms. Before I followed her into
sleep, a melancholy mood took hold. Because even though I had this wonderful
woman in my arms, I knew deep down that I didn’t have her at all.

Lily

Through the early haze of waking, I thought of the wonderful
night with Nico. Magical. The more I spent time with him, the more I wanted to
be around him. His kindness, consideration, intelligence and hot-as-hell looks
convinced me he was the perfect partner for me. He had me thinking about him
all the time.

That was the problem. I was in too deep and I suspected he
was as well. So much for being just lovers. No matter what I said about
boundaries, it didn’t quell these feelings. I watched Nico sleep, imprinting
his face and body in my mind. Knowing what I had to do, this would be the last
time I would see him like this.

I whispered “goodbye” and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

My kiss must have stirred him. He opened his eyes and
focused on me.

“Now that’s a vision I’d love to wake up to,” he said, not
making what I was about to do any easier.

I wanted to tell him everything. Tell him what I was and
hope he would accept it. Then the little nagging voice of reason poked its ugly
head into my psyche, reminding me that it was unrealistic to think that a human
could accept a mate who wasn’t like they were.

Although every nerve in my body revolted at what I was about
to do, I still had to do it.

“Nico, can we talk?” I sat up in his bed, pulling the sheet
up over me.

“Uh-oh,” he said, propping himself higher on the pillow. “I
can tell by your tone that this can’t be good.”

I paused before I spoke the words I’d rehearsed. “Even
though last night was wonderful. The whole evening was wonderful, in fact. But
this
is something I can’t do.” I motioned between him and me, hoping he would
understand.

“I thought you just wanted to be lovers. I can accept that.”

“Nico.” I looked straight into his eyes. “I’ve had lovers in
the past and I’m sure you have too. Whatever is going on between us goes beyond
what I’ve experienced before.”

“So why not let it develop and see where it goes?” He moved
closer to me on the bed and draped an arm over me.

“Because it could never work,” I said, wiggling out of his
hold.

“Why not?” He shook his head and squinted his eyes. “I don’t
get it. Do you have some deep dark secret?”

I tried not to wince, but he caught the slight movement.
“You do. So what is it? You’re married? Or you’re moving to Belarus? Or
something like that?”

“No. Nothing like that. I like you. A lot. But I didn’t mean
for it to develop into a relationship. I’m just not the right person for
something like that.”

“That’s funny. Because every time I’m with you, you seem
exactly
like the right person for something like that. Someone for me.” He climbed
out of bed and put his pants on. “I should have known something like this was
coming. You’re right; you were straight with me about that from the beginning.
But you haven’t been straight about
why
.”

Please don’t ask. Please don’t ask. You deserve better.
Someone normal who could be your wife. Who could give you normal human babies.
Don’t make me explain.

“So what is it? You’re too focused on your career? Is that
it? You don’t have time for a relationship because you’re too busy?”

“No, it’s not that either.” Then I thought he handed me my
out. “Okay, yes, that’s it. You’re right. You know how I got that promotion.
I’m busting my ass at work with all the new responsibilities. I just don’t have
time to work on developing something else new outside the office.”

“Perhaps I haven’t known you that long, Lily, but I know you
well enough to see that you’re trying to pull the wool over my eyes. You’re
bullshitting me. Even if you weren’t, you shouldn’t look at a relationship as
more
work
. I looked forward to spending time with you last night as a
reward after a long week.”

Why was he making this so hard? Crap, I was melting. I
should tell him the truth. That I couldn’t be with him for a very different
reason. One that he probably could never understand.

What the fuck do I do? What should I say?

“I’m sorry, but I just can’t do this.”

“So you’re not going to have the decency to even tell me
why?”

I opened my mouth to say something, but nothing came out.

He stood by the bed waiting for my reply.

“I don’t know what to say,” I finally said.

Apparently
that
wasn’t the right thing to say.
Because he gave me a withering stare, those deep hazel eyes now burned with
intensity as if trying to control emotions smoldering beneath the facade of his
cool gaze.

“You know the worst thing about this situation? A woman who
I thought was strong and confident as well as intelligent and beautiful—isn’t
so tough after all. You don’t even have the courage or the class to tell me why
you’re doing this!”

“I can’t, Nico. Dammit! Why are you making this harder?
Don’t you think I would be with you if I could?” I was still naked in bed
covered only by a sheet. Otherwise I would have climbed out to stand in front
of him face-to-face. “Some things aren’t so easy to explain. The world isn’t
black and white and there’s a shitload of gray fucking things up!”

“Why can’t you trust me enough to tell me? I’m not
judgmental. Why are you so afraid of what I might think?”

“How can I trust you? I barely even know you.”

His hazel eyes bored into me now. “Some people are together
for years, sometimes decades, even though they’re not right for each other.
Other people connect right away. Some sort of intuition that it’s right. Who
knows why. I thought there was that something between us. But perhaps I was
wrong.”

Every fiber of my being shouted at me to reconsider,
agonizing over the thought of leaving him. “I wish I could explain, Nico. Trust
me, I do. But you’d never understand.”

He muttered something under his breath that sounded like
rubbish
.
Then he exhaled slowly and ran a hand over his close-cut hair. “Don’t bother.
I’m taking a shower. I’ll give you a lift home unless you want to take a taxi.”
He climbed out of bed and my eyes traced over every fiber of defined muscle
under the smooth surface of his olive skin.

“Nico.” I climbed out of bed, dragging the sheet over me.
“Don’t go yet.”

Within two steps, I was in front of him, caressing his
smooth face. I dropped the sheet and looked into his eyes, imploring him to
understand. His eyes now flashed with both the intensity of his anger and a
sheen of lust. Without knowing who moved first, our lips clashed in a violent
kiss and I tried to push away the pain and distance between us. Within moments,
we were back in his bed.

“Love me one last time,” I whispered. “Please.”

I reached for his erection and glided my hands up and down,
encouraging him to grow to his full size. His face contorted as if at war with
his emotions. Then I heard a groan rumble from deep within him.

“Yes, Lily. You don’t know what you do to me.” He pulled away
to put on a condom. “What is it about you I can’t resist?”

“Don’t resist now. You’d kill me.” I helped guide him into
my wet core.

“Is this what you want?” he asked as he probed with the head
of his cock and then plunged deep into me, filling me almost to the point of
pain. His eyes flashed with an intensity again, reflecting his pain and
passion. “You only want my cock, right? Just like every other woman who comes
to our shows.” He fucked me with such pain and passion that my head hit the
headboard. “You just want me to fuck you?”

I tightened my legs to stop him and grasped his head in my
hands so we could see eye to eye.

“Don’t say that. You know that’s not true. You know I care
about you, don’t you?”

“How would I?” he said, his eyes showing more sadness than
anger now “You’ve never showed it.”

“So much, Nico, which is why this hurts so badly. I’m sorry
I’m such a cold bitch.”

The pain reflected in his eyes abated before he leaned down
to kiss me gently. I fought back the tears for so many reasons. How I’d miss
his gentle touch.

“You’re not like that at all. Just guarded. You need to be
in this world. Otherwise you get hurt.”

I wasn’t sure if he was talking about him or me.

When we flipped over and I straddled him on top, I pushed
the regret and sadness away and loved him with the furious passion and total
lack of inhibition of knowing this was the last time. I clawed his shoulders,
raking his chest as I sought for something out of reach—something missing in my
life. My soft moans had intensified much louder as he grabbed my hips and
pummeled into me, spiraling me higher and closer toward my peak. I pushed out
any thoughts and focused on the pressure rising from deep within, building
steadily to a point that I thought I would die if I didn’t reach it soon. The
desire built more and more until I shattered from the inside out, coming more
violently and with a greater intensity than I’d ever experienced.

In the seconds that followed, the world seemed to come back
together as I recovered while lying on top of him. Then I moved against him and
felt the familiar tingle deep within. My body moved of its own accord, although
I thought I would never recover from the last orgasm, and he encouraged me to
keep going by grasping my hips and moving with me from below. The faraway
tingling came back and grew to an uncontrollable driving need more quickly and
intensely this time so that I came again almost instantly. And again and
again—my body never wanted this magic to end.

When Nico thrust deeply into me, he grabbed my hips so
tightly I thought he’d leave finger marks. Then he released all his frustration
and anguish into me. After I collapsed on top of him, we lay silent as we
caught our breath.

Then he said, “You’re a bloody fool to throw this away.”

He rolled me off him and walked into the bathroom. After he
closed the door, I whispered, “I know.”

Nico

I wasn’t surprised to return to my bedroom only to find a
note reading she was sorry. The optimist in me had hoped she’d change her mind
and would be there to tell me what was going on. Touching the note, tangible
evidence of that not happening, triggered endless questions as I got dressed.

What was her deep dark secret that made her think we
couldn’t be together? In the shower, I had thought of all kinds of
possibilities. She said she wasn’t married or moving far away. What else could
it be? Did she have some type of drug problem? No, I didn’t think that was it.
I’d been touring with the band in enough dive clubs to know the visible signs
and I didn’t see anything at the outset with Lily.

While I threw together a couple of outfits for the show
tonight into my bag, I thought about another possible explanation—kids. Did she
have kids and she was afraid to tell me? Why would that be an issue though? She
could just tell me about them and if I bolted then I’d be the jerk. Or perhaps
she thought a rock singer would not be a good influence on them so she wanted
to keep me away. Why not just tell me that if it were the case?

Or what if she had dangerous ties, like to a mafia or gang,
and she thought it would be unsafe for me to get too close to her.

Rummaging through the bathroom for some toiletries, I opened
my medicine cabinet and thought of a different explanation—she had an illness,
either mental or physical. Perhaps even terminal. She didn’t want to start
something that would only end painfully for us both.

The worst was not knowing. I zipped up my duffel bag and
grabbed my brown leather jacket, which was showing signs of its age, but I
thought it gave it some character. Then I shoved my plaid hat into my bag. It
reminded me of the first time I met her in that sexy plaid dress. Perhaps I
should have just stayed away, taken the hint when she first blew me off. But
no, I had to push it, approaching her on the dance floor.

Did I regret it? I remembered the mind-blowing sex, the way
she felt in my arms, responded to my kiss. Hell no. The loss of her left a
gaping hole deep inside me.

On the bus ride to New York, the guys noticed I wasn’t my
usual chipper self.

John asked, “Who pissed in your Cheerios?”

Mike said, “Probably the same chick who he’s been distracted
by at work.”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I said through clenched
teeth.

“Touchy, eh?” John asked. “Must like this one.”

Mike said, “Mr. Hot Rock Singer who always has the girls
hanging on him is now having a problem with the ladies?”

“Shut up, Mike,” I said.

“What is it about this one?” he pushed. “Let me guess. You
have a thing for her but she wants nothing to do with you.”

“Why would you say that?” I asked. “Is that what I do?”

“Duh, yeah,” John said. “You always want what you can’t
have.”

My thoughts didn’t have to drift far to wander back to Lily.
Maybe I was being too hard on her. She told me straight out that she only
wanted to be lovers. I was the one who pushed for more and then got upset when
she couldn’t give it.

Enough dwelling on her actions. She was a grown woman who
could make up her own mind. If she didn’t want to be with me, to hell with her.
I gave her all I could.

“Fuck her,” I said, not realizing I’d said it out loud.

“That’s the old Nico. Love ’em and leave ’em.”

“Sod off,” I said. “I was never
that guy
.”

“Tell that to all the ladies whose hearts you’ve broken.”

“Oh please, don’t be ridiculous. Now let’s go over the set
list again.”

I read through the list of songs we were playing. The club
in New York was a dive bar we played at last year, which catered to hard-core
and punk shows. The crowd here wouldn’t want any of our slower songs,
definitely no covers like
Witchcraft
or
#1 Crush
like we played
in Vamps. Not hard enough for them. This was perfectly fine with me. With anger
still pulsing in my veins at Lily’s rejection and refusal to tell me the truth,
the last thing I wanted to sing was some love song about pining for someone.

“Most of our shorter, harder songs,” John said.

“And
Let’s Fuck All Over Paris
.”

“But the faster version, not the one we usually play. The
hard-core one we’ve done in practice.”

“Got it,” I said. I didn’t need any encouragement to let it
all out tonight.

The crowd was what you’d call sullen. They had unimpressed
expressions on their faces even though they came to see us. Even when we played
the first two songs, they kept the bored expressions. Only a few females who
had clearly had a few drinks jumped around at the front of the stage, singing
along with us. It wasn’t until our third song that the crowd started to get
into it.

I didn’t care how the crowd responded tonight. I needed an
outlet to express my frustrations and being onstage was my way to let it all
out. I screamed out lyrics like a demon, bouncing all over the stage as if I’d
had one too many Red Bull caffeine drinks.

Whether the crowd just needed time to warm up or my madman
antics got to them, I wasn’t sure. The front of the stage was filled with men
and women screaming the lyrics along with me now and waving their fists in the
air. Some guys started an old-school mosh pit, which only happened on rare
nights at our shows. Most clubs had rules against that these days and broke
them up as soon as there was a stirring on the floor.

Although we had many punk songs that riled up the crowd, we
usually mixed them up with literary rants and love songs, keeping the mood in
constant flux and bringing the momentum down when the crowd’s energy grew to a
feverish pitch. But not tonight. Caught up in my rants, I barely caught what
was going on in front of the stage. Then I saw one guy throw his fist in
another one’s face and blood spurting from his nose. After that, all hell broke
loose.

What started as a fistfight between two guys quickly
escalated into a full-out brawl. Fifteen to twenty guys were punching, kicking
and throwing each other all over the floor. I don’t know what possessed
me—being so pissed off about Lily breaking it off or what—but I did something
I’d later regret. I dove right into the fight.

Several punches given and taken later, security guards broke
up the fight. The club was trashed with plastic cups. Luckily there were no
chairs nearby. And if the club had served bottles, the damage would have been
far worse. The people involved were thrown out. I was grabbed too until Mike
intervened. He said I was the singer and dove in to try to stop the fight.

The security guard gave him a look to let Mike know he was
full of shit, but he let me go.

“What the hell got into you?” Mike asked.

“I don’t know. It just happened.”

John appeared with a towel. “You’ve got blood all over your
face, dude.”

“Mine or someone else’s?”

He shrugged. I went into the men’s room to clean up. The
blood didn’t appear to be mine, but my swollen face had definitely seen better
days.

Lily

While Nico played in New York, I buried myself in
distraction. My usual method of dealing with overwhelming emotions—avoiding
them.

Nevertheless, the moment my mind veered from whatever errand
I was working on, I wrestled with conflicting emotions. One part of me said I’d
done what was best. That even if things were good now, the magnetic attraction
between us wouldn’t last. Whatever connection he thought we might have would be
severed once he knew the real me.

The other part of me said I was a coward. That my inability
to trust anyone was a serious character flaw. That I was throwing away the most
exhilarating relationship of my life over something that boiled down to an
inner fear of rejection.

Then I went to my second method of dealing with overwhelming
emotions. Work myself to the brink while exercising. I worked out like a
madwoman, running until exhaustion along the waterfront. The problem with
running was that it didn’t provide enough of a distraction and it reminded me
of the time I ran with Nico. Why did even the simplest everyday occurrences
have to remind me of him?

I went to a couple of Ally’s classes at the gym that week.
After the second one, she said, “Come on, let’s go for a walk. I can tell something’s
up.”

Although we’d had enough of the schizophrenic weather
veering from warm and sunny one day to cold and snowy the next to remind us it
was March in New England, the evening was mild. We left the gym and found some
trails we sometimes walked after class to cool down and catch up.

“What’s going on with you, Lily?”

“What do you mean?”

“We may not be super close, but I know you well enough to
know you’re bothered by something and trying to hide it.”

I guess I was fooling myself to think I was any good at
hiding my emotions.

“A guy.”

“I should have known. Who?”

Should I tell her the whole thing? I’d told her about
dancing with Nico at Vamps, but nothing since. She had no idea at how quickly
and deeply I had fallen.

No. What was the point? “It doesn’t matter who. It’s over.
It didn’t work out.”

“That sucks. I’m sorry. Don’t worry, you’ll find someone
better.”

I pictured the butterfly pin he gave me that day at Bearskin
Neck. As if I could find anyone kinder, smarter, hotter and as considerate as
Nico.

He was right—I was a bloody fool.

“We’ll see,” I said.

“I know. Why don’t we go dancing at that club again? Vamps.
The last time we were there, the singer of Velvet Cocks was hitting on you. Who
knows what luck you’ll have this time.”

My eyes focused on some oak trees on the right and I
pictured myself slamming my forehead against the trunk several times, chanting
to myself,
You’re an idiot. You’re a coward. You’re an idiot. You’re a
coward.

Why didn’t I just tell him the truth? What’s the worst that
could happen?

“Where were you just now?” Ally asked.

Focus, come back. You’re having a conversation with your
friend, remember?

I took a deep breath. “Ally, the guy I was seeing
was
the singer.”

“Get the fuck out of here!” She stopped walking and faced me
with her mouth dropped wide. “For real?”

“Yes. I’ve been dating Leggy Bones.”

Hearing how ridiculous that sounded out loud sent us both
into convulsive laughter. Just a couple of silly girls talking about boys kind
of fun. Stuff I wasn’t used to. Maybe confiding in someone wasn’t so bad after
all.

“Okay, rewind,” Ally said, clutching her stomach. Her face
was red from laughing. “Start from the beginning and tell me everything.”

Inhaling and exhaling, I said, “Let’s walk. I want to get
this out as quickly as possible.” I did not want to relive the glorious rise
and disastrous fall again, even though it’s what I’d been doing in my head
since I left Nico’s place. “I ran into him at a bookstore one weekend and gave
him my number. We went out a few times after that.”

Ally interrupted to punch me lightly in the arm. “And you
didn’t tell me?”

“It all happened so quickly. I didn’t know what to tell.
It’s been very confusing.”

“Why?”

“It got pretty hot and heavy real quick, but it would never
work out.”

“Slow down,” Ally said. “You’re power walking. And you’re
leaving out all the details of your hot story with a rock ’n‘ roll singer.”

I slowed my pace. She was right. I had turned our walk into
a frenetic pace to match how quickly I wanted to get past the story. “The sex
was hot as hell. The best I’ve ever had in my life. Happy now?”

“Not really, you left out all the gooey details, but go
ahead. Tell me what you want to tell me.”

“I wanted to keep him at an arm’s length. You know, just be
lovers. But I found out I have feelings for him. So it didn’t work out as I
planned.”

“And him? Does he feel the same way?”

“He wanted me to be open to a relationship with him.”

“So what happened?”

“I ended it.”

“You what? Why?”

Here was the tricky part. The part where I had to keep my
shifting ability out of it, yet not lie to my friend.

“I’m not able to be in a relationship right now.”

“Why the hell not?”

“Oh, you know. Work. I’m so busy there working crazy hours.
When would I have time for someone in my life?”

“Lily, you’re letting one part of your life overwhelm all
the other parts. If work is taking that much out of you that you don’t have
time for a relationship with someone you obviously care about, maybe it’s not
the right job for you after all.”

“But—”

“I know you like your job and you make good money, but come
on now.”

“It’s just that—”

“You had a hot affair with Leggy Bones and you threw it
away.” She shook her head. “You’re a crazy bitch. But I love ya.”

Talking to Ally helped. I’d never really shared my feelings
with a friend before because I had so much to keep guarded. The one person I
had been able to confide in through my life was my mom. Even though we only saw
each other once a month, we spoke on the phone often. My talk with Ally must
have put me in a confessional mood because when I spoke to my mom, I said,
“Remember that guy I was telling you about?”

“Yes, dear. What is it?”

“Well, we really hit it off. I mean
really hit it off
.
And that’s the problem.”

“Why, dear?”

“Because, you know—I can’t be in a relationship with a guy
with my—uh—condition.”

Mom sighed before she spoke. “Does he know you’re a
shifter?”

“No! Of course not. I can’t tell anyone that! They’d think I
was a freak!”

“Lily, honey, I loved your father dearly. He was the love of
my love. But one thing that hurt—really hurt—is that he never trusted me enough
to tell me who he really was.”