Rocked in the Dark (5 page)

I narrowed the options down to three. They had female singers who could harmonize with my voice well, and enough variety in their tapes that I knew they’d be able to handle the range of songs on my album and the few I was still working on.

My album.

That felt good to think about. Finally, after all these years, I was doing it. I thought back to one of the worst days of my life, and how, in a terrible way, it had led to me finding my real dream and following it.

There were tears in my eyes but I barely noticed. “Where is she?”

“Jules, calm down. You need to calm down.”

“No!” I screamed and smacked the glass partition, making it shake. The dozen other people in the waiting room stared. “Tell me where she is.”

My mother sighed and tried to put her arm around me. I slapped it away.

“Don’t touch me. Don’t you fucking touch me.”

“Lower your voice and watch your language, young lady.”

“Go to hell. Tell me right now or I’ll find her myself.”

She closed her eyes for a second and took a deep breath. “She’s upstairs. But Jules, you can’t go up there. You’re not allowed.”

“You just don’t want me to see her. You’re happy about this. This is what you want.”

“Honey, please. I know you’re upset. But there’s no reason to be cruel.”

“I’m not cruel.
This
is cruel. She needs me. She loves me.” I twisted the bottom of my ponytail around my finger and kicked at the floor. “Please,” I said, lowering my voice, finally. “Please just tell me where to go.”

She sighed again and looked at me for a long time. “She’s in intensive care. And you’re fourteen and not a family member. They won’t let you go up there.”

I sobbed. “I am her family. She’s my family. Mama, please…”

It was calling her “Mama” that did it, I’m sure. She put a hand lightly on my shoulder and looked deep into my eyes.

“Stay here for a minute and keep quiet, okay? I’ll see what I can do.”

I nodded and sniffed. My head was stuffy like I had a cold or something.

She walked over to the counter, bent over and spoke to the woman there. She was short and round, pleasant looking in the pink scrubs. They conferred for what felt like a million years and then my mother turned to look at me. She beckoned me over with one long, manicured fingernail. Red as blood, I thought.

“Honey,” the woman behind the counter said, “I’m gonna do this for you, but you gotta be quick, okay?”

“I promise. Thank you.”

She smiled a little and handed me a slip of paper. “Take this pass up to the third floor. She’s in bed twelve.”

“Okay.”

“You’ve got maybe ten minutes. If someone stops you, turn around and come back down. Don’t make a fuss, okay? I’ll get in trouble.”

“Yes ma’am.”

She smiled again. “You’re a sweet girl. No matter what all those papers say, I knew you would be. Me and my girls have seen every episode of
King of Hearts
. That man who plays your daddy is so handsome. Anyway, we love the show.”

“Thanks,” I said, but I was already gone.

As soon as I could, I ran to the elevator and punched the button for the third floor. I left my mother and everyone else behind. Nothing mattered but getting to Jessica.

But when I got upstairs and found her room, I slowed down. I was scared. All by myself surrounded by loud machines and that horrible antiseptic smell.

I pushed through. For her.

Opening the curtain that partially hid her bed, I held my breath, praying it wouldn’t be scary or gross. It wasn’t. Which, in a way, was worse.

Jessica was just there. In bed like she was napping, except for the tubes and wires that snaked from under the sheet to the machines crowding the tiny space.

“Jess?” I whispered.

Her eyes opened slowly. The tube up her nose shifted as she smiled. “Hey, kiddo.”

“Don’t call me ‘kiddo’” I said reflexively. It was our thing. A little private joke from the first day we met. I’d been such a little brat to her. But she’d just laughed it off and promised we’d be the best of friends soon. She was right about that. And so much else.

“How are you feeling?”

“Awesome. Hand me my shoes and we can go dancing.”

I could feel the tears dripping down my face as I went over and perched on the edge of the bed. “Is this okay?”

“Of course. Don’t cry, kiddo. I’m going to be fine.”

I nodded, but looking at the bruises that peeked out from the top of her hospital gown, and all the tubed going into her, I knew it was a lie. “I’m sorry, Jess.”

“Hey, don’t be. You don’t have anything to be sorry about.”

“This is my fault.”

“It isn’t. Jules, it was an accident.”

“But you shouldn’t have been there. If I’d just done my work I would have been done shooting and we would have left together. You wouldn’t have been on that highway at all.”

“Hush.” She patted my hand. “Come up here and hug me.”

I put my legs up and rolled carefully, slipping into the bed next to her. I wrapped one arm around her and buried my face in her neck, making sure not to dislodge anything. It was incredibly uncomfortable, but I didn’t care.

Jessica tugged lightly on my ponytail and kissed my temple. “You’re my best girl, you know that, right?”

“Yeah.”

“And what does that mean?”

“It means we’re sisters. In our hearts, where it matters.”

“That’s right.”

I knew it was selfish to worry about myself, but I couldn’t help it. “Jess, I’m scared.”

“Don’t be. Once I get a little better they’ll move me to a nicer room and then before you know it I’ll be going home. And then back to work. And then all of this will just be a funny story we tell.”

“Promise?”

She was silent for a long moment before replying. “I promise.”

“And you always keep your promises.”

“That’s right, I do. So there’s nothing to worry about, is there?”

“I guess not,” I whispered. “I love you, Jess.”

“Love you more, Jules.”

I fell asleep right there in the hospital bed with her. At some point later someone came and carried me to a chair and covered me with a blanket. For whatever reason, they let me stay with her. Except for when the doctors were testing and prodding, I was right by her side. We shared the tiniest bits of the food they brought, watched bad television and read old magazines.

My mother came by occasionally, but she never stayed longer than a few minutes. Which was just fine with me. I wanted every selfish minute with Jessica alone.

She told me about her childhood, how she’d left home at sixteen, left her five brothers and sisters. They never forgave her. Someone from the show had contact her family, but no one showed up. Not in time, at least.

Those three days were so strange. I didn’t think about the show or whatever cute boy I had a crush on. I never even noticed how uncomfortable it was to sleep in a chair. All that mattered was Jessica.

On the last morning I came out of the bathroom and she was sitting up. Well, the bed was tilted up. Her skin was so pale and paper thin after all the “procedures” she’d endured. We joked about her being ready for a career in front of the camera now, skinny and pale and weak and covered in bruises from needles. No one else would have laughed. We both knew it wasn’t funny, but we did laugh. Even in her weakened state I loved her laugh. Loud and braying. I thought it was obnoxious at first, but came to think it was adorable.

I was just standing there watching her for the longest time.

“What are you thinking about?” Jessica asked.

“Don’t you know?”

She smiled. “Of course. I always know what you’re thinking. But this time I want you to tell me.”

I licked my lips and tucked my hair behind my ear. “I was thinking that when you get out of here you could come stay with me.”

“Yeah?”

“Sure. It would be fun. If you need medical stuff we can hire a nurse. Kick my mom and the latest fake-dad off the second floor and just have it all for us. I can help you answer calls and stuff, or make copies of things.”

Jessica laughed. “I don’t really make copies of things very often.”

I shrugged. “I don’t know what happens in offices. On the show it’s all phone calls and photocopies.”

She blinked slowly. “I hope you never have to learn what really happens in offices.”

“Why?”

“Because you’d hate it. And no matter what, life’s too short to do things you hate.”

“I hate running lines.”

“No you don’t. You’re just lazy sometimes.”

“Hey!” I pretended to be offended, but I smiled and sat down next to the bed, taking her soft, pale hand in mine.

“I’m serious, thought, Jules. You fight for what you want. Never give up. You’re talented and beautiful and if you try hard enough you’ll always be able to have a life doing what you love.”

“Singing? You don’t think I’ll spend my whole life being ‘that girl from
King of Hearts
?’”

“Not a chance. When you grow up you’ll be a huge star. I can just see it. Selling out concerts around the world. Flying around in a private plane with your face on the side.”

I giggled. “Ew, no. I’ll put your face on it.”

“Even better.” She closed her eyes and squeezed my hand.

“Are you tired? In pain?”

“Both, constantly.”

I blinked away tears. I loved that Jessica always told me the truth, never treated me like I was too young to handle things. But in that moment, I wanted lies. Needed them. Because in the back of my mind I knew it might be the last time I talked to her. Saw her. Knew that she wasn’t getting better.

“Well, then, you should rest. Because we can’t stay here forever. The whole show will fall down without us.”

“That’s right. We’re the dynamic duo, kiddo.”

“And always will be, right?”

“You know it. You and me.”

I clung to those short words with everything I had. The woman who gave birth to me had never cared this much. Had never made me feel so loved and protected. I couldn’t imagine living without Jessica. I started crying again. Because for all her promising and my naiveté, I knew goodbye when I heard it. And before it got dark that night, she was gone and I was alone again. Maybe forever.

Back in the present, I cried too. Wiping at my eyes, I glowered at the door. Someone was knocking. “Do not disturb!”

“Julia? It’s Becca.”

Well, shit.

I blotted my face with the hem of my shirt and went over to let her in. “What is it?”

“I tried to call you but…are you okay?”