rock (18 page)

argillite

Argillite. The basement-of-New-Zealand rock.

Deformed. Fractured. Veined. Argillite has endured 300 million years of tectonic movement. And Zach and I are driving over it on our way to Auckland for a concert.

Our first stop was New Plymouth to visit Zach’s cousin, and now we’re on the road again, driving up the coast with the windows wide open. Salty sea air slowly turns earthy—the smell of a thousand sheep.

I change gears and wind around a blind corner. More rolling green hills spotted with sheared sheep. The sun beams brightly through the windshield, and Zach and I simultaneously pull down our sun visors.

Zach pulls out my sunglasses from the glove compartment and hands them to me. He doesn’t say anything. In fact, the whole trip so far, he’s been fidgeting and squirming.

I flash him a smile to calm him, even though my insides are tight. Does he want to tell me something? Does he think we’d be better off friends? The thought makes me cold because I care about Zach. He’s funny, he’s sweet, and he’s great in bed.

Zach shifts in his seat, picking at his seat belt like it’s constricting him of air. “Cooper,” he whispers much too softly for my comfort.

A shiver rolls over me, making my heart race and my stomach churn. What if he wants more? What if he wants to talk about the future?

Zach clogs up again, grumbles and turns on the radio to classic rock. Cat Steven’s
The First Cut is the Deepest
plays. The lyrics gently wrap around me until I’m living the song. The song is me. The song is us. I want Zach by my side.

Even though I don’t know if I can love again.

I push my sunglasses higher up on my nose so Zach won’t try to read me. The next half-hour, I am lost in thoughts. I don’t even hear the other songs play. I focus on the road and the way the breeze rolls over grass, making the hills shimmer and feel alive, like a green beast who will stretch his limbs and sit up at any moment.

And maybe we’d drive down his arm to his large fist, where he’d crush us to dust with all the memories I can’t seem to shake.

Like the time Jace and I took the hatchback out to Kaitoke Regional Park to see Rivendell, and Jace had breathed deeply and said
It really feels like there’s magic here. I wouldn’t be surprised if the trees actually came to life—

I slow down and glance at Zach’s large hands, slightly bumpy with veins. I squeeze his fingers.

I care. I care. I care.

Don’t leave me.

Don’t ask me to stay.

He plays with my fingers for a moment before I pull away to steer around another stretch of winding road.

We’re in the middle of a curve when the song comes on.

“Turn it off,” I plead.

Zach sounds surprised. “What? This is a great song.”

In my mind’s eye, I see Jace’s smile as he says
diamonds
.

I breathe in sharply. “Turn it off!”

He does, and the silence is loaded with questions that I don’t want to answer. “I’m just dizzy,” I say, curving around another bend. “The music is too much.”

Zach frowns, apparently not buying it, but he lets it go and asks me to pull over.

I do.

He leans over and kisses me deeply, and then pops open my seatbelt. “How about I drive for a bit?”

We swap places, and I lean back against the seat wondering where he is now. Wondering what his life is like. Whether he finds it hard to fall in love again too. I shut my eyes and let the vibrations of the car take me to a dreamy world of giants and rocks and unanswered questions.

* * *

I wake to Zach shaking me gently. “Thought we’d take a stop. I saw a sign for this place and knew we had to come here.”

I take off my sunglasses and rub the bridge of my nose where they pressed awkwardly. I blink in the brightness of the day.

Zach is saying how he always wanted a chance to go here, and when he saw the sign, he knew it was meant to be.

I stretch, ripping out a yawn, and Zach tickles my midriff. I laugh on instinct and yank my T-shirt down.

“Where are—”

Waitomo Caves. The universe just slapped me in the face.

Zach grabs our jackets. “Mr. Geologist, are you ready?”

No.

I follow him anyway. Forty minutes later, we are inching along a narrow passage down a limestone shaft. Our guide talks about the formations but I can barely focus with the shivers running through me.

Our song, and now this? Are these signs?

How many earthquakes can our relationship withstand? Are we as strong as argillite?

I clutch my phone in my pocket, yearning to call Jace.

Zach looks over his shoulder and smiles. With every smile, guilt worms itself deeper into my belly.

If you can’t love him completely, set him free. He deserves better.

But I care! I really do!

We hop on a boat. It’s cool and dark with a distant sound of dripping. Zach takes my hand as we glide into the Glowworm Grotto.

I gasp. It’s like we’re floating in space with galaxies at our fingertips. The darkness thickens and pushes me from behind toward the edge of a high cliff. The rush is unbearable as it comes coupled with memories.

As kids in the cave.

All I Want Is You.

Zach whispers in my ear, and my stomach flips. Now I know what he’s going to ask me, and I’m not ready for it. Certainly not when Jace’s ghost is here dancing with me.

Don’t. Don’t. Don’t.

“Will you move in with me?”

muscovite

Jace’s twenty-second birthday.

My sister, Lila, and Dad huddle around the laptop in Dad’s study, Skyping him as we do every year. I slunk out after a tense
Happy Birthday, Jace
. He frowned but waved me goodbye.

Lila and Dad speak to him for a few more minutes, asking him how he’s doing. I know this, because I’m standing just outside the study in the shadows.

Part of me doesn’t want to stay here, forcing out fake conversation; another part wants nothing more than to hear his voice, forever, on repeat, even if he said nothing more than a shopping list.

“We have news,” Dad says. I hold my breath, knowing what’s coming because I helped dad pick out a diamond ring and gold bands. “We wanted to wait to tell you in person, but—”

“We can’t wait,” Lila chirps in. She gestures Dad to spit it out already. He laughs, smacks her with a kiss, and says, “Your mum and I are getting married.”

“Wow, oh my God, congratulations!” Jace’s tone is enthusiastic. “About time, I guess.”

Lila says, “We’ve also decided on a date.”

Annie says, “You better come, brother. No ditching us like you always seem to do.”

Jace says, “Of course I’m going to the wedding! I’ve never ditched you.”

Even Lila and Dad quiet at that. Lila speaks first. “Never mind that. I would love you to walk me down the aisle—”

“Yes. When is it?”

Annie snickers. “Three guesses.”

Jace got it right on the second. “Dad’s birthday? You’re kidding.”

Dad and Annie chuckle. “Dad wants
everything
on his day. Wait until you hear the theme they have.”

Jace says, “Mum? You agreed to this? A Halloween-birthday-masquerade wedding with a dress code of hauntingly beautiful?”

Lila laughs. “Sounds like fun to me.”

The doorbell rings. Guests Lila and Dad invited over to share the big news. Lila air-kisses Jace and excuses herself. Dad says they’ll call again soon.

They’re kissing as they leave the room and don’t notice me hunkered outside the doorway. I rest my head against the wall and shut my eyes to all this romance. I’m happy for Lila and Dad, but I’m still raw from last week—

Jace says, “So . . . sister, eh?”

“Yep, been a long while coming.”

“Guess so.” A moment of silence, and then, “Cooper didn’t say much. I mean, I guess that’s normal. But he usually stays. Listens.”

I close my eyes.

Annie hums. “Just ignore Cooper, Jace. He’s moping around because he broke up with his boyfriend.”

Quiet. A crackle down the line. “He did?”

Annie sighs on my behalf. “Yeah.”

My heart beats heavy in my chest three, four times before he replies. “Oh,” I wish to hear an edge of satisfaction, a splash of glee that gives away how relieved he is to hear this. But his tone is merely genuine. “I hope he’ll be okay.”

Annie gives a slight laugh. “Yeah. Besides, we’re used to it.”

I hold my breath and pray for Annie to leave it at that.

Jace asks, “Used to it?”

“Yeah. He was worse when you left.”

gold

Dad and Lila tie the knot, exchanging beautiful gold bands. The wedding is just what they wish for. Hauntingly beautiful.

For the wedding reception, the doors to the patio open to eight round tables, each peppered with twelve guests.

I sip on my ginger beer, cucumber, and gin cocktail, and take in the colorful festivity, which is like a sea of melted crayons—women wear large skirts and corsets, and men wear tailored suits fit with vests. Like something from Cinderella’s ball but with grotesque twists: dripping blood, ripped bodices, deadly-long nails, red contact lenses, and fake scars.

Lila and Dad sit at the head of our table, an arch framing them from behind. The spider webs that cover the arch are made with hundreds of stringed faux-beryl crystals that sparkle under the fairy lights behind them.

Lila and Dad both wear white—Dad, a suit with a dried silver rose drooping out of his pocket. Lila, a gown with the same dead silver roses woven in the bodice. They feed each other olive-pesto-stuffed capsicums, and nibble kisses on each other’s fingers.

A hand lands on my shoulder, jerking me out of my observations.

“What’re you daydreaming about, pussycat?” Ernie asks, shifting his chair a touch nearer. Dressed in a black suit with white buttons, a bow tie, and a bowler hat, Ernie has a cross of wood hanging with string slung over his back. He’d held it above Annie as they arrived. Puppet and Puppeteer.

He waves a hand in front of my face. “Calling Cooper . . .”

I slap him away with a chuckle. “It’s all so much but I’m happy for them.”

Ernie drinks his cocktail and stares at Dad and Lila. “You’ve got an awesome family, Cooper.”

He focuses his gaze on me and grins, but it’s a shy grin; one I’m not used to seeing on him. “I hope one day I can be a part of it.”

I sit straighter, my foot knocking into the leg of the table. “You and Annie?”

I don’t say the rest, but he bites his lip and nods.

“I never thought I could ever be so lucky. She’s special.”

“Yes, she is.”

“Would you bless it, if I—”

“You’re going to ask?”

“Soon.”

I pull him into a hug. “If you hurt my sis, I’ll make your life miserable.”

“Good. If I did that, I’d deserve it.”

Annie comes and whispers something to Ernie. He nods and she leaves.

“What’s that about?”

“She’s got a little something to do.”

The waiters serve parmesan-lemon risotto with fried oyster mushrooms and roasted cauliflower purée.

Jace’s chair is hauntingly vacant. He flew in a few days ago but other than stiff hellos and awkward conversation, we’ve avoided each other.

As though we wanted to say more but didn’t know how, we ducked into bathrooms or the kitchen pantry or the garage when we caught sight of the other. I’d seen him enough to know he looked the same, with a few more creases around the eyes. Laughter I hadn’t been part of.

I search the crowd for his Prince Charming suit: a gold blazer with brass buttons, tassels coming off the shoulders, and a blue sash. I don’t see—

The music and chattering crowds hush to a silence.

Jace’s voice comes over the speakers, laughter at the edges. “For Mum and Dad, may this day haunt you and your dreams forever.”

The first few strokes of the piano echo in my belly. It’s perfect in every way.

“
Time Warp
!” Lila cries. She starts singing along with Jace, while Dad pitches his voice higher and Annie’s voice hits the speakers.

Ernie grins at my sideways stare. His huge grin lights up the room more than fairy light wetas dangling from the ceilings as chandeliers. “She’s great, right?”

“Yeah, yeah.” The food is delicious, but all I can do is stare and pick at it.

“You all right?” Ernie asks, eying my food like he wants to gobble my plate.

I slide it over to him. “Fine. I need the bathroom anyway.”

I zigzag through the crowds to the arch leading to the foyer and the band. Jace has removed his blazer and plays with graceful energy. My sister and Jace are sharing a stool and a microphone. I lean in the shadows of the doorway and wish I knew a comfortable way to minimize the distance between us.

I slink back into the dining room crowds and make my way to the kitchen, which is temporarily repurposed into a bar. I perch on a stool and order whiskey. I sip and observe the head table outside. At the tail end of my drink, Annie and Jace return for their dinner.

I swirl the last sip of whiskey, ice clinking against the side of the glass. Rings of condensation mark the marble bench.

Someone tugs on my sleeve. I twist. Annie in a smooth doll mask. “Help me for a minute?”

“Sure.”

She pinches my sleeve and drags me to the back room where the wedding gifts are stored. The whole side of one room is filled with colorfully wrapped boxes with large, obnoxious bows.

“What’s up?” she asks, pulling her mask up to her pinned hair.

“Sorry? What do you—?”

“Mean? Don’t think I haven’t noticed how weird you two are acting. Ernie said you were acting weird too.”

I swallow. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“That might work on someone else but not your sister. I know you. You haven’t spoken to Jace all evening. Barely at all since he came home. What happened?”

I shift in my boots and brace a hand on my fake sword. The cape I’m wearing seems to be choking me and I unclasp it. The black material puddles at my feet. “It’s been a busy few days, we just haven’t had time—”

“Not the last three days. What happened to
you two
? You used to be best friends.” She moves to the present pile and traces her fingers over the tops of bows and ribbons. “There was even a time when I thought—” She shakes her head. “Never mind.”

The truth of her suspicions shows in the way she looks at me then looks away.

I fold my arms over a shiver. “What did you think?”

Annie stills her hand on the largest present, silver with drops of fake blood, the one I gave Dad and Lila. “I—I mean . . .”

Her inability to form the sentence confirms it. I sigh, glad for the whiskered mask even though it doesn’t change facts.

“And if it was true?” I ask, voice cracking.

“I don’t care.” She lifts her chin and stares right at me. “Broken home, broken rules, right?”

My throat tightens and I shut my eyes for a few beats. Annie closes the distance between us and rubs my upper arm. “That type of broken is something we all have to live with and accept; but the broken between you and Jace . . . we all feel it. Dad and Lila too. We want things to be good between you.”

God, how I wished that too.

Annie kisses my cheek under the mask. “Let’s go back out. We could dance?”

But I don’t think I can face a crowd yet. I need a moment to pull myself together. “Maybe later?”

“Right. I’d better check Dad isn’t pulling Ernie apart piece by piece.”

The air stirs as she shuts the door. I move to the window seat and sit.

Broken home, broken rules
.

I breathe in the sharp relief of her words and peel off my mask. I peer at the darkness outside, the windowpane cold against my forehead. My breath fogs against the glass, and I scribble Jace’s name through it. I wish things could be how they were then—

The door bursts open. I scrub Jace’s name off the window and leap from the windowsill.

Dad and Lila stop kissing when they see me. “What are you doing in here?”

What are
you
doing in here? “Just making sure my gift was in order.”

Lila giggles. “Your dad and I just wanted to . . . peek at the gifts.”

Yeah,
that’s
what they were doing in here. “Well don’t let me stop you.” I cut toward the door but Dad slings an arm across my neck. “This is the happiest day of my life. Thank you for making everything so wonderful.”

In the distance, a loud scream sounds remarkably like Ernie.

Dad laughs. “And it just got better.”

I grin. “How many other tricks do you have up your sleeve?”

Lila grabs a present and vigorously unwraps it. “You can also find treats upstairs.”

I leave them to their shenanigans and head toward the chocolate-lava cake. Ernie’s fake blood drips all down his front and he’s swearing under his breath. “They’re going to pay for that.”

“Oh, yes,” Annie says, dabbing his neck with a napkin. “Let me help you plot.”

I sit and shift my chair in closer to the table. A piece of paper catches my eye. Slipped under my dessert plate is an envelope with my name on it. I pause before picking it up. No note. Just a smooth teal stone shaped like an hourglass.

I rub it between my fingers. “Did you leave—” I stop asking Annie and Ernie if they left the envelope here. I know who did.

I slip the stone into my pocket and search the room for him. For a while I think he left the reception, but then I spot him.

He looks different without his blazer, and he’s wearing a mask made up of little silver squares that reflect the light like a disco ball. It’s a different mask than the blue one he arrived in. Does he hope to lose himself in the crowd? Does he think I won’t recognize his eyes, his mouth, his ears, his hands?

I left my mask in the gift room, but I’m not going back there so I pluck a paua shell one from the centerpiece and put it on before making my way to the bar.

I slip onto the stool next to him. Jace startles but doesn’t acknowledge me. He sips his drink nonchalantly instead.

I order one of what he’s having. “You here for the bride or the groom?”

Jace’s hand jerks around his glass but otherwise he’s still. He looks at me for a long moment. “Bride,” he says. “We go way back.”

“Groom,” I say, leaning in conspiratorially. “Once I saw the guy swear at an old lady for cutting in line, and she whipped out her cane and tripped him in the parking lot. I’m Cooper, by the way, and who are you, Mr. Friend of the Bride?”

Jace laughs uncertainly. His gaze flashes to the bartender and the whiskey bottles. “Call me Wesley.”

I lift my tumbler glass and drink deeply. The warm whiskey burns as it slides down my throat. I cough and chuckle at myself. “What do you think of the Halloween-birthday-masquerade wedding? I think the guy is after the gifts.”

“Could be. Makes sense. He’ll get twice as many. What did you get him?”

I grin. “See the biggest gift?”

“The one taking up the entire corner of the room?”

“Yep. That’s mine.”

“What is it?”

“Twenty cardboard boxes each smaller than the last.”

“Ouch. What did he do to you?”

I shrug. “He’s my dad. That’s reason enough.” I take another sip. “But there’s a photo album of our family in the last box.”

Jace rattles the ice in his glass. “Big family?”

“No, just broken.”

“Sorry.”

“Don’t be. Broken family, broken rules. I had two birthdays, two Christmases, two great homes. I hope the album shows him how much I love him and Lila.”

He blinks and parts his lips—

I cling my glass against his. “What is it you do, Wesley?”

He clears his throat. “I just finished university—teacher’s college—but I plan on travelling around Europe for a year before I settle into a teaching career.”

I hold back my surprise and draw my tumbler over the condensation on the bench. I knew Jace finished teacher’s training but I didn’t know he was planning to travel. “Wow.” I take a much larger drink. “When does your adventure begin?”

“A few weeks. I wanted to be here for the wedding first.”

I nod, trying to shake off the disappointment. A whole year away?

How is being in Europe different than in Dunedin if you never speak anyway?
“Where will you go?”

“All over, really. I’ll start with Germany and go from there.”

“Sounds amazing. Make sure you go to Turkey to see the Göreme Fairy Chimneys. And the Giant’s Causeway in Ireland, and of course, Stonehenge.”

“Have you been?”

“No but one day I will. After I finish my masters.”

“You really should.”

“Teacher’s college, what was that like?”
What has happened to you in the past years? What have I missed?

“I taught one class where a kid got his hand stuck in a tuba. I don’t know how he did it but it was jammed in there. We tried pulling, rotating, even using soapy water to dislodge him. I had to send him to First Aid. The class was in a shambles, and the only way I could pull in everyone’s attention was to tell them about getting stuck up to my waist in mud while hiking a couple of years ago. It took me three hours with the help of some mates to get free.”