Rocco and Mandy: A Red Team Wedding Novella (Book #6.5) (10 page)

“I don’t feel as if you’ve recovered all of your memories of your tour of duty. That concerns me. I don’t want you to be afraid of them as they surface. Everything that’s happened is in the past. None of it can hurt you now. You can’t change what happened. It simply is. It becomes a part of the man you are.”

Rocco considered that. What if there were more terrible things he’d forgotten that were lying in wait to blindside him? “What do I do about it? I want to get married. Mandy’s already expecting our first baby. I want a future with my family.”

Kimble nodded. “I’m not saying there definitely is something more lurking in your mind somewhere. We all forget lots of things. Not everything forgotten is a caged predator waiting for a chance at us. I just feel that you aren’t at peace with what happened.”

Rocco sighed. “I’m not.”

“Good. Let’s work on that.”

“Okay.”

They were returning to Blade’s back patio. “Spend some time thinking about your experience. You can do it on your own, in meditation, write it to yourself in a letter, talk to someone you trust, talk to me. Ease up on that chokehold you have on your memories. Let them all through, the good and the bad. Just let them pass right on by. Don’t let them suck you back into the dark. They’re done and over. They can’t harm you anymore. In the process of letting go, we might discover some surprises that will help you feel you’re standing on a firmer foundation.”

Rocco nodded. Christ, he was fucked up. “Okay.”

Kimble touched his arm and smiled, his eyes kind. “You’re very close, Rocco. We’ll get to the bottom of this. Shall we chat again tomorrow at the same time? We’ll start working through your memories.”

“Yeah. Let’s do. Same time.”

“Good.”

Rocco held out his hand, glad to have a guide to bring him through his madness. “Thanks, doc.”

Since he was off the clock, Rocco had free time on his hands after his visit with Kimble. Their chat had left him in a pensive mood. He’d thought about the explosion a million times—was it possible, as Kimble suggested, that there were still things he wasn’t letting himself remember about the days leading up to that terrible event?

Before he was aware of it, Rocco had wandered over to the stables. Kitano stood in the far corner of his corral. Rocco wondered how he was today, if what happened last night had set him back. He climbed the fence and dropped inside the corral. Kitano watched him walk slowly over to him, following the fence line. Rocco stayed upwind of Kitano so the horse could get his scent. He didn’t shuffle away, didn’t put his ears back or stamp the ground. He didn’t do anything that indicated he was agitated by Rocco’s presence.

It felt like a victory. But Kitano was nothing if not wily. Wouldn’t be any kind of surprise if he waited until the last moment to flip out, when he could do the most damage to Rocco. But he remained still and let Rocco come close. Rocco paused just to the side of his head, giving the horse another chance to smell him. Rocco held his hand near Kitano’s nose, always watchful for a nip.
 

“Hey, Kitano. Just me,” Rocco murmured. “I wanted to see how you were after last night.” Rocco stepped closer and patted Kitano’s shoulder. “I’m sorry for scaring the bejeezus out of you. You were brave.” He looked at Kitano’s eye, which was calm, not white-rimmed. “Did you see the angels, too? Kimble says they were just in my head, but you must have seen them, too. Otherwise, you would have killed me, screaming at you like I was.”

Rocco put both hands on Kitano’s neck. The crazy horse stepped a little closer. Rocco leaned in to him, resting his forehead against the horse’s muscled neck. He chanced a full hug, which Kitano stood still through. When Rocco straightened, he patted Kitano’s shoulder again. “Thank you.”

Rocco started back toward the far side of the corral, intending to go looking for Mandy, but Kitano kept pace with him. When Rocco went to the fence, Kitano nudged him. “Feel like a ride, do you?” Rocco scratched his ear. “Let me see if I can steal Mandy away. If not now, then soon. I think my boy would like a long ride, too.”
 

He should have felt foolish talking to Kitano, but he didn’t. He felt understood.

Mandy had watched the whole thing from one of the horse stalls. She’d kept still, worried for Rocco, worried for her horse. But what she saw was stunning. Rocco and Kitano had a bond now. Against all odds and reason, the horse trusted the man.
 

Rocco climbed out of the corral and started over to the stables. He looked up and saw her, then flashed the biggest grin. It was in his face and in his eyes and in his stride. It was as if he caught the sunshine and gave it to her. He was the old Rocco again. Mandy’s breath snagged, then came tears. God, how she had missed him.
 

Seeing her reaction, the warmth left his face. He walked up to her, not stopping until his feet bumped hers. He reached for her, catching the base of her skull, and pulled her to him for a kiss. Mandy’s tears kept coming. He held her face in both hands and let the salty streams spill past his thumbs as his lips met hers.
 

Mandy dropped the rake she’d been using to muck the stall and wrapped her arms around him. Rocco bent and lifted her, then carried her inside the stable. He set her on her feet inside the shadowy corridor, then looked around. Mandy took his hand and led him to the long hay storage room.
 

He pulled off his shirt and set it on a hay bale for her. She kicked off her boots and slipped her jeans and panties down. He kissed her as he unbuttoned her shirt. Her bra unfastened from the front. He released it, then sucked in a sharp breath as he looked at her bare skin. Her stomach was a little more rounded than usual, but that seemed to please Rocco. She could still fit into her jeans, but she wasn’t sure how long they’d be comfortable.
 

Rocco caught her breasts in his big hands then leaned over and kissed her cheek. He held his face against hers, breathing her scent, touching her body. She was starved for him. Reaching over, she ran her hands over the dark hair lightly covering his chest, following it down to his waist.
 

She sat on his shirt. He stepped between her legs. The hay bales were perfectly stacked to be just the right height. She unfastened his belt, trying hard to focus as his lips nipped along the curve of her neck. She reached into his pants and caught his rigid penis. He thrust himself against her hands. She spread her legs, bracing her heels on the slim edge of the hay bale below the one she sat on, then drew him to her.
 

Rocco palmed her back as he entered her. She was slick and ready for him, but also a little tender. He moved slowly, deeply, thrusting all the way in, then paused. Mandy looked up at him, into his beautiful, dark eyes. He had the eyes of a poet, a songwriter, an artist—eyes that had seen everything in life; good, bad, and terrible. All of it stayed there where she could see it. Nothing of him hid from her. She caught his face and kissed him, remembering how he’d looked after his visit with Kitano. Happy. Such a rare emotion for him.

Before she could lose herself more deeply in her own thoughts, Rocco began moving inside her. She looked down where their bodies were joined, watched him move in and out of her. He eased her back, leaning her against the hay bale behind her. One arm was braced against the hay, the other went around her back, arching her chest, supporting her so the scratchy bale didn’t interfere with their lovemaking. He leaned over her and mouthed her skin, catching all the warm, soft curves of her in his mouth as he moved from one breast to the next. When his mouth latched on to her nipple, she cried out and bucked against him.
 

He pulled out of her body, then took hold of himself and rubbed his cock, still hot and wet from her body, against her clit. She gasped at the sensation, then mewled a complaint that he wasn’t in her, so he slipped back inside. Mandy hooked her legs around him, locking him in position as she began to move against him, into his thrusts. Her release was abrupt and violent. She braced her elbows against the hay as he lifted her hips and slammed into her, extending her orgasm long, delicious seconds. Then his face tightened—his whole body went rigid as he found his own release.
 

Mandy was breathing hard as they finished. While Rocco was still inside her, he stroked her soft belly, smiling wistfully as he palmed their growing baby. He pulled out of her then took a step back and put himself back together. Mandy got up and righted her clothes. Rocco sat on the hay bale they’d just used, his shirt in his hands. She sat next to him.

“I’ve missed you,” he said.

“I’ve missed you, too.”

A muscle worked in the corner of his jaw. “I know what’s going on, you know, with me.” He stared at his fisted shirt as he spoke.

Mandy faced him, one leg folded under the other. She touched his arm as she looked at him. “What is it?”

“Kadisha shunned Zavi. Because of me, or because her first fiancé had come back to the village, I don’t know. From the time he was two until now, you’re the only mother figure he’s had. I keep thinking about Kadisha doing the same thing to our dead baby, abandoning her in heaven.” He looked over at Mandy. “I wanted to leave you with Zavi, and I would go to my baby.”

Mandy lifted her head and met his eyes. That, finally, made sense. She reached for his hand, pulling it over to her lap. “I don’t know of anything to say to make that worry go away. I can’t fix that. Maybe on the other side, Kadisha loves her children—Zavi and your baby. You don’t know that she doesn’t.”

He pulled their clasped hands up to his chest, pressing the back of her hand against his heart. “Not knowing makes a terrible ache right here.”
 

“What if you ask your mother’s spirit to check on your baby, to hold your baby and protect her if Kadisha isn’t? What if you ask Kadisha herself to protect your baby’s spirit?”

“She hates me.”

“Her human self hated you. Her spirit self may be much wiser. You don’t know. But do you want to give up what you have here for something that may not be as you fear?”

He shook his head. His eyes watered. “No. I don’t. It’s why I broke last night.”

“Thank you for telling me, Rocco. All this time, I had no idea what was happening with you. I couldn’t see your devils. I couldn’t keep them from eating you. And though I still can’t, at least I understand.”

“Do you?”

“Yes. But make no mistake: I’m going to fight for you. For us. I want you in my life—the beautiful, emotional, sexy you, not a memory of you. Got it? I want to live out our days together. I want to see you white-haired—or bald—and old. Very, very, very old. I don’t want to grow old alone.”

Tears spilled down Rocco’s cheeks. He looked forward. “But what about my baby?”

“We can find someone to talk to about it. Maybe it’s Kimble. Maybe a pastor or an imam. Maybe it’s Kelan’s shaman. Or a medium…someone who can listen to your heart and speak to your baby’s spirit. Let’s try that before you throw everything away.”
 

He sighed and nodded. “I’m not crazy.”

“I know. You’re hurting. There’s a big difference.”

“Thank you.” He looked at her. “For believing in me. Even after everything.”

“I always believe in you, Rocco.”

He nodded. “Kit said I’m off duty for a while. Until Kimble says I’m fit. If you could use a laborer, I could use the work.”

“You bet. Grab a rake and a shovel. I have a client coming over in an hour. I want to be finished cleaning the stalls before then.”

“You need a hand with your client?”

Mandy went still. This was the first time he’d ever offered to help. “Are you up to that?”

He nodded. “I’m ready.” He caught her around the waist and looked into her eyes. “You got a bum deal with me, Em. I’m ready to work on what I have to do to be healthy—and to be the man you and Zavi and the new baby need me to be. Which is something I should have done a long time ago. I may need a full reset every now and then.” He sighed. “There are days when the best I may be able to do is follow you around in goddamned circles like some of your clients. I’m willing if you still are.”

She got off the hay bale and took hold of his face. “Thank you for fighting for us.”

“Thank you for fighting for me.” He brought her close for a kiss that he wasn’t in a hurry to end.
 

* * *

The next morning, after his visit with Kimble, Rocco sat on one of the benches at Mandy’s memorial garden. The sound of the falling water was soothing. There was an odd silence inside him that let him hear the water. He couldn’t remember when his spirit had last been this peaceful. Not ever, maybe.
 

Mandy had been right to build this little garden. It was a pleasant place to think about things. He gave himself the freedom to do just that. Kimble had said it was important to bring up each memory, good or bad, joyous or painful, consider it, then let it go. He could wait and do that tomorrow when the shrink visited, but he was ready to do that now.

Kadisha came to mind, unbidden as usual. He wondered what things would have been like if she hadn’t done what she had. If she and their baby had survived and come to the U.S. with him. Zavi had bonded so thoroughly with Mandy—that was at least one positive that had come out of all the tragedy.
 

Rocco knew he was going to have to accept the part he’d played in Kadisha’s death, and the way she chose to end her life…and that of all the villagers. Had she not done that, their baby would have been about a year old by now. He smiled, wondering if the baby would have been like Zavi, talking before she could walk.
 

Other memories came to mind as soon as his chokehold on them eased. Like the day that Kadisha had told him they were expecting their second child. She’d been so nervous, even though he’d been happy. He told himself at the time that it meant he could distance himself a little from Kadisha, but that wasn’t the truth. He was genuinely happy to have another child. He had to let himself accept that now.