ROAR (35 page)

This seemed more important to him than to her. “How long has it been since you saw
yours
?”

“Six months.” He grinned and shrugged. “I fly to Connecticut around Christmas, and she sometimes schedules ski trips to Breck, so we tend to see each other a couple times over the winter.”

“You two get along okay?”

He chuckled.

“We love each other in our own way, but she wasn’t easy to be close to. She became severely depressed after my father left, and I was just a kid myself and had no clue how to help her.”

“It wasn’t your place to assume the role of counselor or crutch.”

He opened his mouth to say something, but didn’t because their entrees were served at that moment.

Alone again, before he took the first bite, he met her gaze and grew serious, but something must have triggered a memory of his wife, because he veered off into a polar-opposite direction.

“Since the accident, nothing’s stable anymore. In some ways, it’s reminiscent of how I felt as a kid when my father moved out. It took a long time for me to process that.”

No doubt the abandonment issues were churned up by Tori’s being ripped out of his life as suddenly.

“I still sometimes feel as though Tori’s going to walk through the door to my condo any minute, even though we didn’t even live there before the accident. And somehow we’ll be transported back to our former world, as if this was some nightmare and we’re holograms on the Holodeck in
The Next Generation
.” He shrugged, but he must really wish that could happen sometimes—to have a chance to see Tori one more time and say everything left unsaid.

If only I could make it so for him.

But then he’d have to struggle through the loss all over again when the make-believe world was over.

He cleared his throat. “Then I remember she’s not coming back, and the world tilts on its axis yet again.”

She reached across the table and squeezed his hand, but had no words to offer in comfort. After a moment, she pulled back and their meal progressed in companionable silence. By the time they’d finished, she regretted ordering such a heavy dish. The thought of getting back on the bicycle again was daunting.

“Did we save room for dessert?” the too-chipper server asked.

Both responded with an emphatic, “No!” They laughed, and Kristoffer asked for the check.

“Maybe we’ll work this off by the time we get back to the bike rental office,” he said. “We can pick up dessert around there and take it back to the house.”

“I shouldn’t be thinking about eating again for the rest of the week—but that sounds like a plan to me. I have a feeling the ride back will make me hungry for something.”

Like you.

She banished the improper thought from her mind.

After settling the bill, they walked around the property and took some photographs and a couple of selfies with an incredible view of the evergreen-covered mountains behind them. His long arms made her look much better than she did when taking them herself with her phone.

All too soon, the time came to mount their bikes again. Just as she suspected, the bruised area on her butt screamed at being back in the saddle, but unless she wanted to walk the six miles back, she’d just have to suck it up.

Kristoffer groaned, too. “You’d think they could make bicycle seats more user-friendly.”

She laughed at the similar direction of his thoughts. “Yeah. I have new respect for those professional cyclists who spend three weeks in the bike saddle during racing tours.”

“Well, at least they train for it.”

“True. Maybe there are padded biker shorts they can wear, too.”

“Well, let’s make a pact not to sign up for an international cycling team or anything.”

“Done,” she said, holding out her fist to bump knuckles in agreement. “But I’ll race you to the next stop sign.” Without giving him a chance to insert his foot into the pedal, she was off, but he quickly made up ground on the downhill grade, and they reached the sign neck and neck.

The exertion caused Pamela to gasp for breath between each word. “No. More. Racing.” She took a deeper breath and glanced at him. He’d barely broken a sweat. “You’re in better shape than you led me to believe with your sedentary office job.”

“I run sometimes when I need to quiet my head. Guess I built up some strength in my leg muscles in the bargain.”

“Anytime you want to whip my ass into shape, take me running with you sometime.”

The look on his face was priceless. He glanced at her shorts-encased backside for a fraction of a second before his eyes smoldered to a deeper blue. He grinned. “Nothing wrong with your ass. But you do need to expand your lung capacity…” His gaze rested on her heaving chest a moment before he continued in a now-raspy voice. “Perhaps we can do some training on your quads and hamstrings to give you more strength for the hills.” Again, his eyes focused on the part of her anatomy he was discussing—her legs this time—and her body tingled with awareness.

“You’re the Dom who wants to train me. Just remember, I’m not a masochist. Go easy.”

Anything that would give them more time together sounded perfect to her. With all the plans they had for when they returned to Colorado, she wasn’t dreading how fast this week would fly by.

His gaze bore into her, causing her girly bits to tingle a bit, and not from rubbing against the bicycle seat. “I’m demanding. You might want to reconsider what you’re asking for.”

The benefits of improving her body while spending time with Kristoffer far outweighed any worry about his being too tough in that area.

“If you’re game, then I’m willing.” Images of him standing over her in the gym caused the slowly dissipating heat to return to her cheeks. “When do we start?”

“I’m not one to rush into something as serious as physical training for someone.” His words surprised her, because he had jumped into training her on improving her focus. “Tonight, we’ll discuss your long-term and short-term goals and map out a plan to reach key targets over the next few months, or however long you are able to continue before you leave.”

“I’m sure it will take me a while to get to where I want.” The thought of his training her over the course of months pleased her. “You’re on. I’m going to enjoy working out the kinks.” She flushed at the double entendre. After all, weren’t personal trainers dominating and even a bit sadistic? She smiled and gave him a wink before they hopped back onto their bikes and took the next stretch side-by-side, talking as they rode along.

“We’ll need to spell out the rewards and consequences in relation to how you are at meeting your goals.” His husky Roar voice made her wet. He’d never been quite so suggestive before. Adding this arrangement might be the next best thing to having a full power exchange with him. He’d be guiding her every day, pushing her to improve her body and mind, and then rewarding or punishing her in accordance with the goals and standards they agreed upon.

“I wouldn’t expect anything less than being punished if I don’t follow instructions.”

“I prefer to call it discipline, not punishment. Think of it as suffering the consequences of poor decisions or misbehavior. But you’re not a child, Pamela. I expect you to behave responsibly and follow whatever regimen and protocols we establish for your own sense of accomplishment. You’ll enjoy a lot of satisfaction in meeting your goals. But be warned that I won’t tolerate cheating, topping from the bottom, or slacking off because you want a funishment.”

“I wouldn’t expect you to. And I never cheat.”

She laughed, although she had to admit the thought of being spanked for missing a goal had already crossed her mind. She’d better not play those games with him. No doubt, he already knew her well enough to suspect that a spanking would actually be more of a reward than a fun “punishment.”

“Good girl.”

Her stomach dropped into her pelvis, and a delicious heaviness spread to her lower abdomen. She hoped to hear those words often.

*     *     *

Back at the rental house, they went to their separate bathrooms for showers. As the water poured over him, more than sweat and grime washed away. Years of pain and sorrow followed them down the drain.

If left to his own devices this week, he would have wallowed in memories and might never have experienced the incredible awakening he had today. Actually, it began last night at the restaurant. When the host inadvertently tried to put him back into the past again, his mind had been too numb to even see any other option. If he’d been alone, he’d have taken that table in the corner, hoping to feel close to Tori one more time.

But he hadn’t been alone and as he tried to wake up his mind and shout, “Bloody hell, no!” He’d just been too…guilt-ridden, to be honest, to take that step, open his mouth, and ask to be seated elsewhere.

Then Pamela spoke up and literally saved him from the abyss. No, he hadn’t figured all this out at the restaurant. It wasn’t until spending this incredible day with her—seeing old places through reawakened eyes, exploring new things—that he’d finally begun to sort a lot of this out.

As they had biked back to the house an hour ago, among some of the same roads he and Tori traveled every year, he had realized he never said goodbye to Tori. Why? Because he hadn’t been honest with himself. He’d never fully accepted that she was never coming back. Sounded delusional when he put it that way. What sane man could look at her body day after day for years and not figure it out?

No, his mind
had
figured it out at least two years ago and maybe more.

The holdout all this time had been his heart. Tori occupied every inch of that space for twenty years. When she’d been ripped away from him, the wound gaped open…

He hadn’t known who or what could heal it and fill his heart again until last night when Pamela not only helped him to choose the table on the sun-touched terrace over the one in the shadowed corner. She also made him see that he preferred light over darkness. The future over the past.

He’d been stuck there too long, unable to find a way out.

Today, his eyes and heart had both opened wider. Pamela showed him possibilities he hadn’t imagined since losing Tori.

Kristoffer blinked, reaching for the shampoo bottle yet unsure if he’d washed his hair already or not. He’d been going through the motions like that for years. Now, he had a chance to start living fully again, but there was something he still needed to do.

No, two things.

First, he needed to apologize to Pamela for bringing her out here on false pretenses. Second, he needed to let Tori go. Way past time for that, actually.

He set the bottle down and leaned his forehead against the granite wall. “Tori, I know I ought to do this somewhere more dignified, but I’m not going to lose another minute. My heart says it has to be right now, right here.”

He drew a ragged breath.

“Sweetheart, I’ve held you earthbound too long. But starting in this moment, I am going to stop agonizing over and mourning what we’ve lost. We can never get back what we had. We can’t live out the dreams we had for our lives together. But I’ll make these new promises to you.”

I’ll never forget what we shared as long as I live.

I’ll never abandon you no matter how long you linger.

I’ll be the keeper of our memories, but let our hopes and dreams go.

And, most of all, I’ll set you free, Sweetheart.

*     *     *

A new start. In the shower, everything had seemed clear as day, but by the time he’d dressed and prepared to meet Pamela as agreed at seven to discuss her training program, once again, he seemed clueless as to what to do. Then it dawned on him. Today was a day of epiphanies, now that he’d opened his heart a little.

One day at a time. One step at a time.

And first up, he’d agreed to train her physically starting tomorrow. Maybe even tonight. As much as he liked to prepare for everything, sometimes he needed to learn to take things as they come.

Like the idea to train Pamela physically. It hadn’t come completely out of the blue. Ever since she told him she’d joined a gym, he’d flirted with the idea of adding some of that work to her concentration exercises. When she gave him the perfect chance to engage with her in such a nonthreatening activity, he’d jumped at it. The physical training would bridge the gap from California to Denver, too, allowing them a little more time to spend together.

Kristoffer put on his watch a few minutes before the time he’d told her he’d meet her in the kitchen to prepare their snack. He found her already busy putting the finishing touches on their filled plates.

Wearing form-fitting biker shorts and an emerald-green tank top, she looked over at him and smiled. “Impeccable timing, as always.”

She’d pulled her hair up in a clip, probably while still wet from her shower, and he fought the urge to release the clip and let it fall loose.

Not my place.

The tops of her breasts were exposed by the scooped neck, but he forced his gaze to meet hers, noticing instead that the tank also brought out the color in her eyes.

He surveyed the dessert plates filled with much healthier fare than they’d originally intended. “Looks great. Light, but satisfying.” By mutual agreement after returning the bikes to the shop, they’d opted to pass on desserts and purchased a bottle of wine and an assortment of fresh fruits, soft cheeses, and crackers for dinner. “I’ll open the wine and pour.”

Only their second day in Sonoma, and his original plans had flown out the window, but he found himself enjoying every minute spent with her.

While nibbling on their light dinner, they jotted down a number of short- and long-term goals. The page was filling impressively when she became distracted.

“Look at the sun!” Pamela pulled him out of the task at hand to look out the window at the golden light bathing the valley just as the fiery ball slipped behind the horizon.

He couldn’t chide her for her lack of concentration, because if not for her, he’d have worked right through, and it would have been dark by the time he looked up.

“Let’s go for a walk before it’s too dark,” he suggested. “Some stretches and a power walk would be the perfect thing to loosen up our muscles after all those hours on the bikes. Might help us sleep better, too.”