ROAR (22 page)

Pamela squeezed his hand and said, “That’s great news.” Her response helped him relax a bit.

“We’ll do more chest scans in a month to be sure there aren’t any changes, but my educated guess is that the lesions are remnants of a prior infection.”

Needing confirmation, he asked, “So you’re saying it’s not cancer, right? Not malignant?”

“Yes, that’s right. No malignancies showed up in the biopsies we took of the most suspicious-looking lesions.”

Kristoffer expelled the breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding as he sank back against the vinyl-covered chair feeling as though a ton of bricks had been lifted off his chest. Pamela rubbed his back in support, and he glanced over at her and smiled. What would he have done without her these past few days?

He returned his focus to the doctor across the table. “Is she responding to the treatment for the pneumonia? Is her fever still down?”

“I’ve noticed an improvement in her labs today, and we don’t hear quite as much fluid in her lungs. Too soon to tell, but I’m cautiously optimistic that we’re on the right regimen of drugs.”

He’d accept that as a positive, too. At this point, it didn’t take much for him to be encouraged. He hoped she’d be able to breathe more easily soon. Every time he went in there and heard her struggling for a lungful of air, his gut knotted. Did she feel pain or suffer from confusion about what was going on? Probably not. One blessing of being in a PVS, at least.

When the doctor left the room, Kristoffer’s body began to shake. He buried his face in his crossed arms on the table, unable to fight back the tears.

Strong hands rubbed his back in sure strokes. “Let it out. I know how frightened and worried you’ve been about her these past few days. Shhh. It’s going to be all right.”

Suddenly needing this living, breathing woman’s comfort, he sat up and swiveled in his seat toward Pamela, wrapping his arms around her. The two of them held on to each other, providing a lifeline for who knew how long.

“I don’t know what I’d have done without you, Pamela. Thanks for being here.”

“This is what friends are for and why it means so much to me to be here with you.”

“I didn’t think I needed anyone until this week.”

“Oh, Kristoffer, we all need someone sometimes. It’s not a sign of weakness, but one of strength, to admit you can’t go it alone.”

As the moments stretched out, his need to retreat again surfaced. How to extricate himself after he’d just cried in her arms. What could he possibly have left to hide? But he had no shame for his meltdown. If a man couldn’t cry tears of joy after hearing his wife didn’t have cancer, then what the hell
could
he cry about?

Still, he didn’t like feeling so exposed emotionally. He pulled away and quickly wiped his eyes with the heels of his hands before smiling at her.

“After I check on her one more time, why don’t you go home and take a nap? You can’t possibly have slept well on that sofa.”

“I got more sleep last night than I have in months. I don’t mind sticking around until you’re ready for lunch.”

While he was far from being hungry anytime soon after the breakfast she’d prepared, he didn’t want her skipping meals, either.

He’d compromise a bit, knowing he probably wasn’t going to get her to go home while he was here with Tori. “Lunch in a few hours sounds good. And I feel so much better after a good night’s sleep that I’m going to sleep in my own bed tonight rather than here. Tori’s improving. I won’t be far away if they need me.”

And I’m more worried about you running yourself ragged right now when you should be taking better care of yourself.

She smiled. “I think that sounds like a good plan. I’ll even let you keep your alarm clock and phone this time, as long as you promise you’ll not set them for less than eight hours from when you go to bed.”

Despite his unexpected tears a few minutes ago, he did feel better after catching some sleep. It wasn’t as though he needed to be at Tori’s side when she woke so she could see he was there. She had no awareness of him at all.

Midafternoon, they left the hospital and walked to the now-quiet café where they’d bought muffins the first morning of Tori’s hospitalization. Both enjoyed a lunch of field greens topped with grilled chicken, mandarin oranges, dried cranberries, and slivered almonds. He didn’t think he could handle anything more after she’d fed him that hearty breakfast. At least she was getting some protein with her lunch.

Pamela set down her fork after finishing hers first. “This hit the spot after all those dry subs I’ve eaten the last several days.”

“You bet. I love a good grinder as much as the next person, but without being able to run those calories off, I’ve been going easy on the vending machines, or I’ll have a middle-aged paunch in no time.”

Her gaze flicked to his chest before meeting his gaze again, and a flush blossomed in her cheeks.

Puzzled, he picked up the check. “I’ll pay this and then head back to the hospital. You don’t need to hang around. Whether you think you’re rested or not, the place is draining on the mind and body.”

Pamela smiled. “I
work
in hospitals. I can handle it. Besides I’m smack dab in the middle of a riveting article in
People
magazine and could finish it while you’re with Tori.”

He shook his head and grinned, doubtful the down-to-earth woman would find anything remotely fascinating about the lives of the rich and famous. Seeing she wasn’t going to take no for an answer, after paying the bill, he took her by the elbow and guided her out of the restaurant and back toward the hospital. Despite the emotional roller coaster he’d been on today, he felt incredible. Must be because of the good news from the doctor.

He called and talked to Liz and then Gunnar, sharing positive news about Tori for a change. The afternoon passed in quick visits with Tori—the staff was sticking to the ten-minute rule again for some reason—and forty-five minute conversations with Pamela in the waiting room or while taking a walk around the hospital. Rinse and repeat until he saw it had grown dark outside.

“I’ll just go back to see her once more, then let’s get some dinner and head home.”

“Sounds good. Are you going to be able to sleep tonight, Kristoffer?”

“Like a baby.”

“From what I’ve seen and heard, babies don’t sleep all that well.”

“All I know is that I’ll probably be asleep before my head hits that pillow.” He reached up and rubbed his thumb over the circles under her eyes. “I’m glad you’re going to go home and sleep, too. Then I want you to take the day off from hospital duty tomorrow.”

“You’re sure? I really don’t mind. I’m enjoying our talks.”

He shook his head. “You’ve been great company, but I plan to take my laptop down tomorrow and do some work between visits.”

“Oh, I see.” Her disappointment was evident on her expressive face.

No, you probably don’t. I need to distance myself from you before I do something stupid and inappropriate.

Too bad Gunnar had taken away their project.

She smiled. “I guess I’ll go to the gym a while.”

“Good girl.”

Her smile faded, and he realized his words sounded like something a Dom would say to his sub. Had she picked up on it? Time to put some space between them.

“I’ll go visit with Tori now.” He turned and left her.

After his visit, he returned to the waiting room to see Pamela staring into the dark night at the window.

“Ready to go eat?”

She turned around, and concern was quickly replaced by her radiant smile. So beautiful. So alive.

Once again, they walked to a local restaurant to eat, but this time didn’t engage in any memorable discussions. Maybe they were talked out.

Or maybe you freaked her out earlier by sounding like a Dom.

After settling the bill, they made their way to her vehicle in the hospital parking garage.

“Text me when you get home.”

She nodded. “You’re going back to your condo tonight, right?”

He grinned. “I’ll just check on Tori once more and then head home if she’s all right.”

“Night, Kristoffer.”

“Night, Pamela. Sleep well.”

Try not to think about Pamela lying in bed
.

“You, too.”

As if he could. He’d gotten way too much sleep last night to be able to repeat the same tonight. Most likely, he’d lie awake thinking about her all night.

On the drive back home, he thought about whether he and Pamela could remain friends if his libido continued stirring back to life at inopportune moments. What was the matter with him? Hell, he was a Dom. He had better control of his body than he’d exhibited in the past day or so. He needed to fight this inappropriate attraction.

No, you need to wake up, man.

He’d ignored his body’s sexual needs for years. What he needed was sexual release. And, since sex was out, that meant taking himself in hand, as usual.

He entered the condo, and Noma greeted him halfway down the hallway. After a cursory rub against his pant leg, she turned toward the door as if waiting for it to open again. Was the cat hoping Pamela would join them again? The two certainly must have bonded quickly last night.

Kristoffer stooped to pick her up and rub her behind the ears. “Sorry, baby. It’s just you and me again tonight.”

The place did seem lonely with just the two of them, though. They’d managed fine for years. How had Pamela invaded both their psyches so thoroughly in such a short time?

And what was Kristoffer going to do about it? Was the answer to spend more time with her or less?

Good luck with the latter. She’d made a difference in his life this week, one he wasn’t ready to forsake even if he should.

No better time than tonight to think about what he planned to do about everything.

No, not everything.

About
her
.

Pamela.

*     *     *

Pamela hadn’t seen or heard from Kristoffer since his wife had been released from the hospital two days ago. He’d actually started to become more distant after they’d had dinner Thursday night before heading to their separate places to sleep.

She’d popped in at the hospital a couple of times in the days before Tori’s discharge, but he’d usually sent her home to nap right after taking her out to eat. The man was obsessed with her health habits.

She plumped the pillow and rolled over, hoping sleep would come. Where was Kristoffer now? Home, no doubt. No more late nights at the hospital for him. She could understand he might disappear while arranging Tori’s transfer back to the facility, but wished he wouldn’t isolate himself again. This hospitalization could signal the coming demise of Tori’s devastated body. Now more than ever, he needed people close by to help him deal with the day he no longer had that body to hold on to. If not this time, it was bound to happen eventually.

He’d asked Pamela to be with him for the meeting where he’d expected to hear devastating news from the doctor. Perhaps the top layer of his formidable wall had crumbled ever so slightly.

She sighed and flipped her pillow to the cooler side. Maybe he was distancing himself because he wasn’t comfortable with what the two of them had begun to feel toward one another. She couldn’t deny romantic feelings for him, crass as it might seem to some in this situation. But to her mind, his wife had died years ago in a tragic accident. He had nothing to be ashamed of. He’d been by her side all those years, even after he’d finally allowed himself to return to the land of the living in some matters.

In rare moments together, he looked at her not as a friend, but as a woman he felt an attraction to. Some might say they should both feel guilty for such emotions, but most likely, those people had never endured seeing a loved one trapped in this state between life and death thanks to the
miracle
of modern medicine. More like a
curse
in Tori’s situation.

Not that she had any intention of pursuing him romantically. But he needed someone, whether a friend or whatever, to ease him back to life himself. Damned if she’d feel guilty or call this cheating with a married man. Emotionally, he’d been a widower for years. His heart just hadn’t come to terms with her loss enough to be able to move on yet.

Stretching out before her was another night alone with no one to care for but herself. She ought to get a dog or cat or something. Spending time with Noma the other night had been enjoyable. The cat had curled up on her chest, purring away. She’d never thought about how companionable a pet might be, but maybe one would assuage her need to feel needed.

No, with her job, that would be incredibly unfair to the pet.

Was her feeling of emptiness really about companionship, or did she crave the sense of accomplishment that came from helping someone? She’d had a lot of time to think about what she wanted while sitting in the waiting room at the hospital. Mulling over her life had been sobering.

And made her head hurt.

Ping
.

She reached for her phone on the nightstand.

KRISTOFFER:
Want to go on a picnic tomorrow?

Her heart began beating faster, and a smile spread across her face. This could give her an opportunity to practice her neglected service skills on someone who could benefit from a little pampering. As long as he came away feeling he was the one being taken care of and he didn’t start smothering her again. He appeared to work nonstop from what she could tell. She’d rarely seen the man smile.

PAMELA:
I’d love to!

KRISTOFFER:
Great! I’ll pick you up at 11.

PAMELA:
What can I bring?

KRISTOFFER:
A jacket and hiking shoes.

PAMELA:
No, silly. I mean food.

KRISTOFFER:
I’m having it catered.

PAMELA:
No one makes better potato salad than I do. Don’t order that.

KRISTOFFER:
Sounds good. But don’t overdo.