ROAR (14 page)

But, even more important, he was safe and trustworthy. Someone who wouldn’t use the knowledge he’d gained about her interest in the BDSM lifestyle against her later. She wasn’t sure she’d been this forthcoming with the last Dom she’d dated because she was clueless about what she was looking for, she supposed.

Kristoffer had also seen her at a vulnerable moment in the anatomy class, which had broken down some of her barriers posthaste.

“I’m glad you asked me to ride along, Kristoffer. I hope I haven’t talked your head off.”

“Not at all. I’ve enjoyed this immensely.”

Pamela tried to shift the conversation back to herself. “A BDSM relationship is based on trust. Until I find someone who has earned my trust and respect, I won’t really know what will work for me.”

“Keep your eyes and options open. Otherwise, you might miss an opportunity right in front of you.”

“True!” Staying present in the moment was something she needed to work on. Perhaps she’d already missed a number of opportunities.

As he continued to drive, they found safer topics of discussion, including her experiences working in Afghanistan.

A short time later, they stopped in front of the gate of the Forseti Group compound and waited to be admitted.

He turned toward her. “You have a lot to offer. Keep the lines of communication open, and for God’s sake, make sure you know the guy inside and out before you commit to anything long-term. I’m sick of hearing about abusive men taking advantage of women who are too trusting and jump into a relationship too soon.”

“No worries. I plan to spend a lot of time getting to know him before anything advances too far. With my work schedule abroad, we won’t be able to move too quickly.” She’d made that mistake before with Marc.

“Gunnar can help you find potential Doms as well, if you ask him. He knows many in the area and can clear them using his surveillance and security contacts.”

That Kristoffer was worried about her warmed her heart a little. “Thanks. That’s good to know.”

Inside the compound, the meeting went by in a blur. Gunnar approved the purchase of anything Pamela deemed necessary up to his generous budget. With the green light, they could accept quotes and determine what else to add to the original list. Gunnar also offered his services to pilot the items to Kabul on his next flight coming up in a matter of weeks. Even more reason to expedite things.

Behind the wheel on the drive back, Kristoffer turned toward her. “Why don’t you take a nap while I drive?”

“You won’t mind?”

“Absolutely not. I usually make the drive alone. Perhaps we can stop for dinner before I take you home.”

“Sounds great. The thought of cooking is a little exhausting at the moment. Thanks.” At least she wouldn’t put her foot in her mouth again. She laid her head back, planning to feign sleep and happy to rest her eyes, not to mention her tongue. She really could take a nap, but her thoughts were in a jumble. Situation normal.

She jerked awake when the engine slowed. When had she drifted off? She didn’t even remember driving through Frisco. “Where are we?” Before he answered, she scanned the view from her window and realized they’d traversed most of Denver and were stopped at a traffic light in Aurora already. “How’d we get back here so soon?”

“You slept most of the way, remember?”

How had she dozed that long? “I’m sorry! I must have been more worn out than I thought.” She planned to call her family physician to make an appointment for some lab work and check-up. Maybe there was something more going on than the residual effects of a fever she’d beaten two months ago.

When she stared across the seat, Kristoffer gave her a stare worthy of any Dom. “From now on, consider me your chauffeur for any mutual meetings with Gunnar. I don’t want you making that long trip alone until you’re fully recovered.” A shiver went down her spine at the determined look in his eyes.

He’s a married man!

She needed to exert better control over her libido.

“Thanks.” Her instincts told her not to argue with him on this. Besides, she’d enjoyed today’s drive to Breckenridge immensely.

He pulled into a Mexican restaurant. They’d eaten a light lunch during a break in the meeting earlier, but it was three o’clock, and she was surprised to find she was hungry.

“Doesn’t your wife expect you to be home for dinner? This might spoil your appetite.”

He shook his head without a word and exited the car, soon opening her door and escorting her inside. After they were seated and had placed their orders, she began to wonder more about his relationship with his wife. “How long have you been married?”

A cloud passed over his eyes, further puzzling her. “Almost eighteen years. But we’ve been together twenty, including the years at…” His words drifted off making her wonder what he’d almost said.

“Do you want to call her? Maybe she’d like some takeout?”

He shook his head, closed his eyes, and emptied his water glass. “I didn’t expect to get back so early. Hope you’re hungry.”

She leaned toward him. “Kristoffer, why do I get the feeling you’re taking me out because you don’t trust me to feed myself?”

He stared pointedly at her. “Might there be any truth to that accusation?”

“Perhaps. But you don’t have to worry about me. I’m not your responsibility. To be honest, though, I wasn’t hungry until I saw the restaurant.”

“Promise me you’ll do better tomorrow.” It wasn’t a question. Why was he so obsessed with whether she took care of herself?

“I’ll do my best. I also plan to make an appointment for a checkup and labs, if that makes you feel any better.” It wasn’t as if she needed to be accountable to him, but having someone care about her mattered.

The rest of their meal was less contentious. She devoured her
carne asada
, hoping the protein in the steak would also boost her iron levels in her bloodwork.

All too soon, he drove her home. They agreed to communicate by e-mail and text tomorrow as each worked on a portion of the equipment list and then take the weekend off. They’d come together again on Monday to assess where they were and reevaluate who’d what next week.

The driveway leading to her parking spot in back was wide enough that he could park a moment to let her out without obstructing vehicles. He reached for his door handle, but she stopped him. “No need to get out. I’ve got it.”

Again, the stare he gave her told her she’d better not even
think
about opening the car door. Honestly, though, she found the chivalrous gestures nice sometimes. As long as the man didn’t think her incapable of doing it for herself, having her door opened left her feeling cherished. He exited, and she picked up her empty mug to wait for him.

Standing beside him, she smiled up—and up. He was so tall compared to her five one frame. He had to have at least a foot on her. “Thanks again for driving. I’ll be in touch tomorrow and will see you Monday.” She turned and reached behind the front seat for her briefcase and met his gaze once more. “Drive carefully, Kristoffer.”

“Let me show you to your door,” he said.

As he fell into step beside her, she engaged in small talk. “I’m really excited to see how much we can acquire before Gunnar leaves on his mission.”

“I’m confident we can check a number of big-ticket items off the list by then, but having them delivered in the next couple weeks will be the challenge. He might need to add another mission to his schedule this summer.”

She reached out with her key, but he took it and placed it in the lock. Gunnar and his grandfather had been very thorough in his deportment training.

With the door open, she turned to accept the key ring he held out to her. “Thanks again. Talk to you soon!”

He wished her a good evening. Before he followed her into the building—as if he needed to ensure she reached her apartment—she closed the door behind her and jogged up the steps without a backward glance.

Inside, she undressed and showered before heading to bed. Exhausted didn’t begin to describe how her body felt, despite the nap. She’d made the right decision to leave the academy, although she missed her classes and the other students there. After her full recovery and return from Afghanistan, she’d consider whether to reapply.

She’d waited this long. What were a few more months? She needed to get healthy and stay that way this time.

*     *     *

After changing from his suit, Kristoffer felt the need to burn off some energy before heading over to visit Tori. Dressed in shorts and a T-shirt, he did some warm-up stretches against a bike rack in the parking garage then jogged into the cool, crisp evening. He spent the next hour trying to get into the zone where he could forget about everything, most especially Pamela, but continuing to avoid telling the two about each other dogged his every step. Sweaty and tired, he gave up after forty-five minutes and walked the rest of the way home.

A cold shower revived him a bit, and he donned black jeans and a polo shirt, combed his hair back but left it loose, and took the elevator down to his Jag. Pamela’s spicy scent permeated the interior.

Guilt washed over him. He needed to come clean with Tori today.

With heavy steps, he walked into her room twenty minutes later. The nurses were turning her onto her side, facing toward him. They smiled at him as he came in. “We’ll be finished in just a moment, Mr. Larson. She’s been having some trouble breathing, so we’re moving her more often today to try and make her more comfortable. She’s been sitting up for a while now so we’re letting her rest a bit.”

“Take your time.”

The staff here did everything they could to help Tori. Pneumonia was a constant concern, so he appreciated their efforts to avoid it. Gunnar had made sure this facility offered the best of care, and they’d been assured someone would check on her at least every hour. If their treatment of Tori was all for show, he figured his daily presence helped keep them on their toes. But he sensed they took their responsibility seriously, whether being observed or not. Sometimes he arrived at odd hours to convince himself they truly were doing an excellent job. He pitied the patients who rarely, if ever, had visitors and had no one making sure they were cared for. At least this facility, from what he could tell, employed staff members who provided for the welfare and well-being of all their patients.

When he was alone with Tori a few minutes later, he went to the window to open the drapes.

“It’s been a beautiful summer day, sweetheart. I took a jog this evening in the foothills. The temps are mild and the sun warm.”

He returned to her bedside and bent down to give her a kiss on the cheek. Her mouth and eyes were open. Did he detect a smile?
In your dreams
. “How’s my princess doing today? Did you have a good night’s sleep?” Or whatever you’d call the state she was in when she closed her eyes for hours on end.

Stretching out on the bed behind her, he stroked her arm as he tried to form the words he wanted to say, but they came with great difficulty.

“I love you, Tori, with my whole heart. I always will.”

But I’m so lonely without you
.

“I still open my eyes some mornings and expect to find you lying beside me.” He still remembered mornings spent in the bed they’d shared, before they’d gone about their busy days.

Only now he sometimes saw another woman in his mind when he woke up in the morning. At least fantasy Pamela wasn’t in the bed Tori had slept in. Somewhat less guilt plagued him on that score at least.

His throat nearly closed off. “Tori, I want you to know that I’ve remained faithful to you all these years, both before and after the accident.”
But I’m not sure how much longer I can live like this.
“I know neither of us chose for this horrific thing to happen…”
…and that I’m the one who put you here. If only I hadn’t been driving that night.

“I miss you so much, sweetheart.” He pulled her hair away from her face.
Just tell her
. She deserved to know, if by some remote chance she could still understand anything going on. Perhaps her soul hovered nearby, stuck here until her body passed.

“But I’ve met someone I want to spend more time with. Her name is Pamela Jeffrey. Gunnar asked us to work together on a project.” Was that all Pamela was to him? A temporary colleague? “We won’t be having sex.” He needed to make that clear to her, in case she could hear this confession. “You know I’d never hurt you that way.”

Could anything he did now really hurt her anymore?

“But…she needs someone to help her take better care of herself. Not a Dom, really, although I think she’d be more receptive to having a Dom work with her than just anyone. I feel a need to…”
What? Guide and protect her?
Something he was no longer able to do for his wife.

He wished she could give him permission, but that wasn’t feasible. He also wouldn’t add a lie to his confession by saying his time with Pamela didn’t mean anything to him.

If only he could communicate with Tori psychically or know whether she’d moved on to whatever came after this life. Surely, if there were a God, her soul had long ago abandoned this empty shell that had once contained her spirit. But charlatans preyed on desperate, lonely people like him pretending to connect them with their loved ones on the other side. He wouldn’t waste his time or money grasping at straws. Hell, he didn’t even know if Tori’s essence had left this world. Perhaps it was trapped inside her body.

Kristoffer stroked her arm, hearing a rattle in her chest as she breathed. He’d check in with the nurses before he left to make sure they stayed on top of things.

Maybe he’d ask the manicurist to come by tomorrow and do her nails or give her a facial. She’d like that. Tori had always loved being pampered when she was ali—
awake
. He preferred the term awake over alive. Tori had zero quality of life.

No life at all.

Kristoffer didn’t have anything else on his mind to talk with her about tonight. He’d said what he’d come here to confess about his weakness for Pamela. The silence enveloped them, but he no longer needed to fill the awkward silence with words. He stroked her arm and let his hand come to rest around her waist, pulling her closer.