River's End (River's End Series, #1) (28 page)

Ben shifted uncomfortably and Jack did too. Her words were spoken with a level of anger and passion that went far beyond her outrage on behalf of Marcy and Dottie.

Ben stared at his hands. “I thought she wanted to.”

“She just wants you to like her. She’ll go as far as it takes just to make that happen.”

“You mean no girl my age really wants to have sex?”

Erin shrugged. “No. There are girls who want to, and are ready. But it’s probably not the one you see as a slut. Or the one doing it so easily.”

Ben’s eyebrows dropped. “You mean like you and Joey?”

Erin’s eyes met Ben’s. Then she looked at Jack. Silence hung between them for a long moment. When she answered, her voice was strong and sure. “Yes, Ben. Like Joey and me. It never occurred to me that he would like me without doing that. That’s what it’s always been like for me. But that isn’t your uncle’s fault. And I’m not Marcy. I’m an adult. I knew better.”

Ben glanced at Jack. “Then is that what it’s like with my dad too?”

Jack tensed and looked up at Erin, but she didn’t look his way. She held Ben’s gaze. He had to give her credit; she was made of steel. She didn’t flinch, or look away, or tell Ben that it wasn’t any of his business.

“No. That’s not what it’s like with your dad.”

Ben wouldn’t look at Jack. “Then what is it like? Aren’t you two sneaking around?”

Erin shook her head. “No. We don’t sneak around. We were friends. Until tonight. I’m sorry you found out like this, and I’m sorry if it makes you uncomfortable. But your dad is a good man. Someone you should strive all your life to be just like. He always treats women with respect, whether they deserve it or not. And he doesn’t use them.”

Ben looked at his hands again. “I didn’t mean to use Marcy.”

Erin’s tone softened. “I know you didn’t. But you need to understand what you’re doing. I hope you don’t do it now, or try to copy your stupid friends. Believe me, very few of them are having all the sex they claim to be having.”

Jack was too shocked, uncomfortable, and bewildered to have a clue what to say next. His most recent lover and son were discussing his sex life. It had him blushing and twitching in his chair uneasily. Yet unbelievably, it seemed Erin’s honesty, as well as showing Ben the other side of the coin, managed to accomplish much more than Jack’s mere threats.

“So… are you guys like a couple now?”

Jack felt like two hands were being wrapped around his throat and twisting as Ben first looked at him with big eyes before Erin turned hers on him. Her face was far angrier than the expression she showed Ben.

“Well, we’re more than friends now. Does that bother you, Ben?”

Ben shrugged. “I kind of wondered if you, you know, liked her or something. You always act weird around her. But I’ve often wondered what you do about sex. You act like it isn’t a factor or has any significance in your life.”

“You’re my son, and not the ideal person with whom I enjoy discussing such things. It’s not appropriate.”

“I’m not Charlie’s age, Dad. I’m not a kid anymore. When will you see that? You did the same thing to Joey. Why do you think he had to leave here?”

Jack felt the constricting hands choking him again. “I think Joey left because he needed to see more than just ranch life. And you’re barely sixteen. In two more years, we can easily discuss you being an adult, okay?”

Ben finally nodded. “Okay, Dad.”

“But you’re still not getting your license until December; and you get to pay the fee now, along with your own insurance.”

“Ahh, Dad. But…”

“Ben, you disobeyed several rules. Not feeling so grown up now, are you? Be an adult and accept responsibility for your actions.”

Ben shut his mouth. “Okay, Dad. I’ll earn the money.”

Ben got up and left the room with his shoulders slumped, leaving behind the silent living room where Erin now glared at Jack.

Erin stood up. “I lied to your son for you. You owe me for that. But it was worth it if it teaches him to care about his potential sex partners.”

She turned to leave, her hair whipping around behind her. He had to stand and reach out to catch her before she could fling open the front door. They both froze when they saw the headlights in the driveway.

“Ian’s home,” Jack said with a long sigh.
God, there was no end to it.
He always had someone right there, in his space, watching him, judging him, and deciding his life for him. He couldn’t even figure out what was happening between Erin and him without his damn son picturing his father buck naked on the beach. “Come to my room. We need to talk.”

She stiffened when he took her hand, but finally turned and started down the hallway. Jack had the original master bedroom of the house. It was the same room his parents once shared, along with his wife and him until she died. Lily died in that very room. It was behind the stairs on the first floor of the house.

Erin followed, he tried to brace himself for whatever happened next.

Erin preferred to be anywhere else, but there, in Jack’s house, and Jack’s room. Tomorrow, the entire Rydell household would know what occurred between Jack and her. The only difference between now and when she used to sleep in there with Joey was that now she gave a shit what they all thought about her. However, with Jack, everything was far different than it had ever been. The sex was different, and the way she felt was different, and the urge to keep it all private was different.

Jack’s large bedroom was dominated by a king-sized bed with a pastel blue quilt atop it. Two lamps and matching nightstands stood like sentries on each side, with a long dresser on the opposite wall. There were pictures of horses and his kids framed on the dresser. The thing that Erin noticed most was that Jack didn’t decorate this room. She knew that as well as she knew her own hand. It had to have been Lily. She walked forward and spotted a freestanding jewelry box. Lily’s also. Atop it, on a lace doily, was their wedding picture. Erin stared at the eight by ten of a young Jack and his bride. She had no expectations about Lily, who was quite tall, only inches below Jack’s mouth. She had auburn-colored hair, which was long and curled beneath her veil pinned over it. She wore a long-sleeved, traditional wedding dress and appeared to have wide shoulders, and a sturdy build. Lily was more handsome than traditionally beautiful. She looked like she was built to ride any horse on the ranch.

Jack appeared to be Ben’s age. He looked so young, it squeezed her heart to see his shining face next to his young bride. He didn’t even look like he shaved yet. Moving to the left, Erin saw more snapshots in a multi-picture frame that held a dozen of them. There was one of Jack, Lily, Ben and Charlie posing before a Christmas tree.
Jack’s family.
Her heart contracted.

He already did all of this. And had all of this. He’d been married, and had two sons, one of whom was almost closer to her own age than Jack was. The hard reality deflated her illusions and dropped into her gut. Jack was simply getting laid by her.

Sitting down on his bed, a weariness overcame her and made her heart feel like it suddenly morphed into a block of heavy concrete inside her chest. She stared down at her feet and clutched her hands together. The loneliness that so often gripped her in private suddenly climbed up her chest and lodged like a knot in her throat.

Jack stood in the center of the room with his arms crossed over his chest. “Look, Erin this is going to be awkward no matter what because everyone knows about Joey. And it won’t be long before they know what happened with us.”

What happened with us.
As in the past. As in a onetime event. An event that she didn’t see coming, and now that it did, she wished it would mean everything. Tears burned the back of her eyeballs, but she
could not
cry. Not now. He could never see how vulnerable she felt with him, or how he broke her heart, or how pathetic she was. She didn’t lie and really was like fourteen-year-old Marcy Fielding. She just wanted Jack to like her too.

“Yeah, it was great. Better than Joey. No one will be surprised, Jack. No big deal, it’s me, and they already know how I am.”

He frowned. “I don’t think that’s quite what I meant.”

“Why?” she asked suddenly, her eyes meeting his with a scathing expression. “Why did you do this? Why did you have to do this with me? You had no right.”

“No right to what? You wanted to, Erin, I didn’t imagine all of it.”

“I might have wanted to, but I never intended to actually do it. I finally fit in here. I finally lived down my episode with Joey. And now, here I am: back to being the town slut.”

“That’s not what happened.”

She stood up and crossed the room, staring out the dark window and the stars shining overhead. “I thought you’d never let that happen. And if it ever did, I guess I thought it would mean…”

She quit talking before she said more than she should have and really let Jack know how much power he possessed over her. Instead, she said, “I thought it would mean more than just you getting laid and falling asleep.”

He stood there, staring at his own feet. Finally, he stepped towards her. “It did mean more than that. I get it. I screwed up. Look, Erin, I’ve wanted you and only you since about the first moment after I laid eyes on you. I watched my little brother strike your fancy, and tried to ignore it, and resist it, and be mad at you about it; but no matter what I did, there it was. I didn’t just get laid with you. Believe me, I wanted to get laid by someone while I was gone. The thing was: I didn’t want anyone else but you, so I didn’t even look.”

She turned around slowly. “A lot of men have had sex with me. They all like my hair. And how small I am. And that I’m skinny. They don’t care whether or not I’m stupid and can’t even read. They never once showed me how to do anything. What you want with me now is something I gave your brother, as well as a lot of other men. I’m not interested in giving that to you, Jack. I don’t want to have meaningless, casual sex with you.”

“I never said it was meaningless.”

“
You fell asleep.
I asked what you were doing, and you said, ‘getting laid,’ and then you fell asleep without another word to me. That’s meaningless sex. Believe me, as you’ve pointed out so many times, I should know, shouldn’t I?”

He stepped in front of her and frowned. “In my defense, I was exhausted today. I didn’t plan to do this, not really. Not like you think. I never intended to sleep with you as much as you never intended to let me. So… it happened. I don’t know what I said. I was there, inside you, looking at you, so can you cut me a little slack for not being at my most articulate? For months, I just lay awake here, imagining what you were doing upstairs with my brother. Then, you’re with me, and you know what, Erin? I wasn’t thinking straight. But it was never meaningless.”

“Then what was it, Jack?”

Jack let out a long, weary sigh as he ran his fingers through his hair. “I haven’t been with anyone longer than a one-night-stand since Lily died. And there was never anyone before Lily. I don’t date. There was never anyone I wanted to date. And suddenly, here you are. Living here. Every day. And all I can think about is you. All day, all night. And not just to have sex. I’ve had enough sex to know the difference. I really don’t have a clue what it all means.”

“You shouldn’t have started this.”

“Then you should have stopped me.”

She looked away. “I didn’t want to stop you.”

“Part of the problem is that I have two kids who live with me. It’s not as easy as it is for a single man. I have my boys to account for. As you already witnessed. That’s why I never brought it home before.”

“What are you getting at?”

“I wanted to do this, Erin. I wouldn’t ask you out on date because of Joey, and because you live here, and because of how awkward all this makes everyone else who lives with us feel. So I did this. So I had no choice. Here we are.”

Her eyes shot up to his. “Meaning… you wanted this?”

“Do I want you? Yeah.”

“I got that part the first time. What else is
this
?”

He looked down over her. His eyes became more serious and his tone, quiet. “This? As in, you’re not sneaking out of here in the middle of the night because I’m done with you.”

She tilted her head down. “You mean like Joey and me.”

“I mean we are nothing like you and Joey.”

Her head snapped back and he put a hand out towards her. She bit her lip and stared at his outstretched hand. Finally, she put her hand into his and stared at their linked fingers. Her heart paused and her breath stopped
. It was more than sex
. She kept her head down so he didn’t see the tears welling in her eyes. He couldn’t understand the relief, the joy, the amazing sensation that she felt upon hearing that he wanted her near him. With him. And for more than just sex.

“What do we do now?”

He smiled. “Try having it on a bed?”

Her heart skipped a beat when she saw the boyish grin and sparkle in his eyes. How often had she seen Jack so carefree, open, and youthful? Never. She’d never seen Jack that way.

His smiled dimmed.

“What’s wrong?” she asked, going on alert.

“I think I gave my son all my condoms.”

She hesitated, then said, “Joey has boxes of them in his nightstand. I’m sure they’re still there.”

She stared at the hooked rug under their feet rather than looking into his once happy face.
Joey
. Once again, he would always come between them.

Jack finally cleared his throat. “Well, at least I can count on my brother for that.”

Turning, he left the room and unbelievably to her, seemed intent on borrowing some condoms from his little brother. He was back in minutes with a box in his hand. “Seems you were right. He must have an entire case stored in there.”

She looked at his bed, then at him. “Should I go home?”

“Now?”

“No. After. I mean Charlie and Ben; you know the issues it could cause.”

He nodded. “I know the issues. They were the reasons I was so sure I wouldn’t do this. But no. No more walk of shame, Erin, not in the middle of the night.”

“It could be awkward.”

“It already is,” he said, but smiled as he came towards her. He looked into her eyes and brushed a hand into her hair. “I missed you.”

Her heart leapt into her throat. She’d never heard Jack use that tone. It was gentle, soft, sweet. And best of all, he meant it. He had missed her. And it couldn’t just be sex, because they never had sex before, so he couldn’t have missed that. He had to have missed
her
.

She didn’t know what she was supposed to do. She felt strange, and yet, she wanted to be there, no matter how odd she felt.

He took her into his arms, and pulled her closer to him. His mouth came down on hers and he kissed her with a tenderness no man ever showed her before. Her heart picked up speed, and she greedily accepted the kiss, not for the heat of it, but because it felt like he was caressing her soul, and not just her body. They fell back into the bed, and eventually, she forgot to think, or worry, or dread what the light of day might bring for them.

****

Erin blinked her eyes when she rolled over and shaft of sunlight pierced through the closed curtains. She popped open an eye and looked up at the white light seeping through the window. Sitting up, she pulled the bedsheet with her. She was alone and let out a sigh. Was it relief? Or disappointment? She wasn’t sure. It all seemed doable in the shadows of night when she contemplated them being together in front of everyone, despite having been together with Joey first. But now? How did she proceed? She already discussed it with Ben. Now Ian? And Charlie?

She shook her head to clear the fog, fingering through her hair. It felt like a ratty mess. She’d gone swimming and let it dry uncombed. The grit of sand told her she needed a brush, as well as a shower and should have gone home last night.

She got up and slipped her pajama bottoms on with her sweatshirt. Wishing she had jeans and a t-shirt, and didn’t look like she spent the night doing what they all would, no doubt, guess she’d been doing, she glanced at the mirror over the dresser and winced. Her hair was worse than she feared. It was a jumble of curls and snarls that tangled down her back. Her eyes were smudged with sleep rings, and her face looked pale. She took a deep breath for courage, then stepped out of the bedroom.

The bedroom opened into an alcove at the back, off the kitchen, where the entire household awaited her. She stopped, frozen like a deer in the headlights before backing up a step into the closed bedroom door. Jack was at the counter, pouring coffee into a blue mug. Ian was sitting at the table with Ben. And Shane. God. Where did Shane come from? Shane was standing up with his back to the kitchen, dressed in full leather, and his long hair in a skinny ponytail. He was talking to Jack.

They all turned towards her as she stepped out, never expecting to greet so many of them. And they were all staring at her as if they’d never seen her before. Even Jack. His face was neutral and there wasn’t even a trace or a hint of the man she’d been with last night. The man who flirted, teased, and was kind to her, being honest and open while they had sex. Instead, it was Jack being Jack again. He seemed expressionless when he looked at her, although his eyebrows rose. He lifted the coffee to his mouth and took a sip before cradling it in his hands, and leaning his butt against the counter.

She straightened her back.
Damn him.
He always did that to her. He chickened out and pretended she was the problem. He refused to take responsibility for desiring her. Or liking her. He seemed to forget those things whenever anyone else became involved. She stepped out of the alcove and into the kitchen, but avoided meeting any of their accusing eyes.

Shane grunted. “Well, didn’t see that coming. Seems I missed something.”

Would Jack stand up for her? And tell Shane to shut up? No. Jack merely took another sip of coffee, and leaned towards the basket behind him before pulling out a donut, which he then bit into.

“Hi Erin.” Charlie’s warm greeting delivered Erin from her shame. He was smiling at her and she smiled back. If he found it odd that she emerged from his father’s bedroom at nine in the morning, he didn’t say.