Riverbend (30 page)

He took her outreached hand and stood, following her down the hall to his bedroom. Once there, he opened the door and held it for her. Then, he followed her over to the bed. It was still made. Obviously, he hadn't been to bed that night. She pulled back the covers. “Come on.”

He did so, resting his head on the pillow. “I have some sleeping pills in the bathroom. Maybe I should take one.”

“I'll get them.” His bathroom was tidy, everything in its proper place, almost like something you'd see in a magazine or a model home. Like a ghost lived here instead of a man. She found the pills
near his electronic toothbrush. Examining the bottle, she recognized the name from television advertisements. This will put him out, she thought, heading back to his bedroom.

“I'll stay until you fall asleep,” she said, handing him a glass of water and the pill.

“Not necessary,” he said, swallowing the pill.

“Yes. It is, actually.” He scooted to the side to make room for her as she perched on the side of the bed. “How long until the pill kicks in?”

“Like fifteen minutes. They're really strong.”

“Why don't you take them on a regular basis?”

“Extremely addictive. Plus, once I took one and woke up in the morning with my phone in my hand. I'd texted Bella and didn't remember a thing. Not good.”

She smiled. “That's kind of funny actually.”

He smiled. “With these, one minute you're fine and the next minute you're out. There's this in-between stage where you think it's not working and that you're fine and then, boom, it's the next morning.” He looked up at her, his eyes soft. “Are you sorry I told you the truth? Have I scared you?”

“Is that why you didn't tell me?”

“Mostly.”

“I've wondered so many times.”

“Tell me something you've never told anyone,” he said.

She played with the fringe on the comforter. “When I found out I was pregnant with Alder, I called my mother and she told me to get an abortion. If I didn't, not to expect any help from her. I knew in that moment I was totally alone.”

“You're not alone now.” Without warning, he sat forward and touched her cheek with the backs of his fingers. “Your skin is beautiful. Reminds me of a peach.”

“Lee says that, too,” she said, almost under her breath.

He was gazing at her without the usual guardedness in his eyes. His face was relaxed and his eyes soft, almost peaceful. “Peaches and cream. Like a character from an English novel.” His fingers slid down the side of her face, hovering near her mouth. “What Cleo said today—about there being redemption through love after tragedy. Do
you believe that?”

“I don't know. No man's ever loved me.”

“Impossible.” He moved his hand down her cheek to her neck where his index finger traveled the length of her collarbone.

Her breath caught. She was perfectly still, hoping he would keep his hand there.

“I want to kiss you so badly,” he whispered.

“You do?” She dared not breathe, lest she break the spell. It was the drug. She knew this. But still, to be kissed by him, now, in this moment, seemed like the difference between life and death.

“More than anything else lately.” He tugged on one of her curls. “And this lion hair of yours. It's haunting to a man in the middle of the night.”

He placed his hands on either side of her face and leaned in, kissing her with just a light brushing of his lips at first and then harder, catching her mouth in his for a brief moment before pulling back and looking into her eyes. “I haven't kissed a woman besides Esther in fifteen years. Thank you.” He collapsed back onto the pillow. His eyes closed. He was asleep.

She stayed, watching him for several minutes. What had just happened? Would he remember it in the morning?

She doubted it. But she certainly would.

Chapter Twenty-Five

SHE DIDN'T SEE DRAKE
until almost eleven the next morning. Apparently, the packaging didn't lie. One needed to expect eight hours of sleep after taking the pill. She was just coming in from her workout when he entered the kitchen, his hair wet, smelling like soap and aftershave. “Good morning. Can't believe I slept that late.”

She watched him carefully. Did he remember he'd kissed her? His eyes were clear and the dark circles under his eyes faded from the day before.

“Hate to take those pills but I guess they work, huh?” he said.

“Maybe you should take them every once in awhile.” She tried to keep her voice light but there was an edge that escaped. She had no right to be mad at him. It was better that he had sleep. The kiss was something the drug made him do.
Fine. Just move on. He's not available to you. Not after what you learned last night.

“Annie, did you say something?”

“What?” Had she spoken out loud? “No. Nothing. There are fresh muffins in the basket there. And I just made more coffee. I'm going to get showered.”

“Is anything wrong?”

She shook her head. “No, what could be wrong?”

His face went dark. “I shouldn't have told you.”

“Why would you say that?” Her anger softened immediately.

“Because now you'll be like one of the people in my past who look at me with nothing but pity.” His voice was loud and it sounded like an accusation.

“No. I've wanted to know the truth from the moment I met
you.”

“But it makes you see me differently. Doesn't it?” His voice was louder even than the moment before. She shivered, backing away slightly.

His face went soft as he put his hands up. “Annie, I'm sorry. I don't mean to scare you.”

“It's fine,” she mumbled.

He was next to her now, his hands on her shoulders. “You're shaking. God, I'm sorry. I'm not mad at you.”

“I know.”

“I'll be more careful.” He tilted her face upwards to look at him and as she met his gaze, there was nothing but kindness and compassion in his light eyes. “I'm sorry.”

“You already said that,” she whispered.

“I forget sometimes.”

“What?”

“That someone hurt you.”

She held the bridge of her nose against the tears. “I wonder sometimes what you must think of me.”

“I think nothing but good things. That will never change, no matter your past, no matter how complicated your life may be or what the truth is.”

“Without the truth, what are we exactly?”

He gazed at her, his eyes intense. “What do you mean, what are we?”

“You tell me.” She looked away, the back of her throat aching with all she wanted to say, all she wanted to ask.

He was silent. Annie felt her heart start to ache in a way she'd never felt before. She was bereft, forlorn, like one of those tumbleweeds she'd seen once on a trip to Arizona, just tumbling over and over upon itself with no direction home.

“Like I said, there are muffins there,” she said, as a way out of the silence. Then she moved out of his arms and towards the door, holding her breath against the tears she knew would come the minute she was away from him.

“Annie,” he said, his voice gruff. “I told you I couldn't do this.”

She stopped at the doorway, turning to look at him. “Do what?”

“Us.”

“I know.”

“I'm sorry. But you know why now, at least. Is that helpful at all?”

“No, it isn't. And I guess that makes three times you're sorry.” She turned and left the kitchen, walking blindly to her bedroom.

Chapter Twenty-Six

AT THREE A.M. SHE WOKE
screaming, her pajamas drenched in sweat. She lay there in the dark, heart pounding, still in the edges of the nightmare. This time Marco had come to the restaurant and used one of her own chef knives to slice her throat. Getting up from the bed, she turned on the bedside lamp and changed her pajamas. She was about to climb back into bed when she heard a light knock on her door.

She went to the door quickly and opened it, knowing it was Drake.

“I heard you,” he said. “Do you need me?”

She shook her head, wanting nothing more than his arms around her. “No. I'm okay.”

“You sure?”

“Just another nightmare.”

“You want me to come in?”

“I don't know.” It came out sounding bitter. She looked at the floor, unable to meet his eyes.

“I'm coming in.” She moved aside as he came into the room, shutting the door behind him.

“I told you I'm fine.” She wandered over to stand by the unlit fireplace.

“Liar.” His face was serious but kind, his ice blue eyes intense and focused on her face. “Did something happen last night that I don't remember? What did I say after I took that pill? I remember you told me about your mom and then it all goes blank.”

She didn't say anything, wrapping her arms around herself,
trying to keep from crying. All day she'd thought of nothing but his kiss, of the way it had felt to have his hands on her, of what he'd smelled and tasted like. And he didn't remember it. She'd told herself a hundred times that day to forget it. This was not a man available to her. Or to anyone.

“Annie, tell me what I said.”

“It wasn't what you said. It's what you did. You kissed me.”

His face went white. He staggered back, collapsing into one of the chairs. “Oh shit.”

“I knew you wouldn't remember.”
Don't let him see how this breaks your heart. Stay strong.

“It's those damn pills. This is why I don't take them.”

“Because God forbid you should actually want me or do something besides walking around like a ghost.” Her anger surprised her. The minute it escaped, she wished she could bring it back. “I'm sorry.”

“Is that what you think? That I'm like a ghost.”

“Yes,” she whispered.

“Well, you said yourself you wouldn't want to live if something happened to Alder, so why are you now judging me for it?”

“Because I'm human, that's why.” The words came out hot. She pushed her hair out of her face.

“What does that mean?”

“It means I'm in love with you, despite the fact that you have absolutely no ability to return it.”

He stared at her for a long moment, the expression on his face something between confusion and uncertainty. Finally, he leaned forward in the chair, his hands on his knees. “Annie, I don't know what to say.”

“You told me last night you wanted to kiss me all the time. That it was all you could think about. Is that true?”

He cocked his head, his eyes soft. “Yes.”

A flicker of hope lit inside her. “Then why don't you?”

“Because, as you say, I'm not capable of giving you anything you need, or deserve for that matter. You need a man who will take care of you, cherish you, not live in the past. I don't know if I'm a ghost but there are certainly two other ghosts that live inside this
house.” He stood, running his hands through his hair before going to the window and staring out into the night. “I can't let them go.” He turned to look at her. “I owe them that much.”

“Why?”

“Because it was my job to protect them and I didn't. I let him kill them while I was at my office working away, like any of that mattered. I let her pick up Chloe instead of insisting that I stay with her night and day until they put the bastard in jail.”

“But you didn't know what would happen.”

“I should've figured it out,” he shouted, slamming his hand on the table. “The guy was a lunatic. The cops knew it. I knew it. Esther was terrified of him. I should have been there. And I wasn't. I should have to pay for that. I
will
pay for it the rest of my life.”

She backed away, standing behind the chair as if for protection.

“Shit, I'm sorry.” His face turned remorseful but he did not come towards her as he had earlier that day. He put his face in his hands, rubbing his eyes before looking at her, long and hard. “Kissing you is unforgivable. It makes me sick to think I've hurt you.”

She nodded, fighting against tears.
Do not cry
, she told herself.
None of this is his fault. He does not need the burden of my pain too.
But it was no use. The tears came anyway.

He was across the room in one stride. “Please don't cry.” He stood next to her, his hands on the sides of her face.

“It's all right. I understand.” She took in a shaky breath as the tears flowed.

With his thumbs he caught the tears slipping down her cheeks. “Please, I can't stand it.”

“Just go then, because I can't stop.”

He let go of her, stepping apart from her. “Annie, I'm not worth crying over.”

“Says you.” She sobbed now, silently, feeling as if nothing would ever be right again the minute he walked out of the room.

“I'm sorry. Truly I am.” He went to the door, slowly, as if walking in sand. He turned the doorknob and then he stopped, resting his forehead against the wall. After a moment, he let go, turning around to look at her. “I won't leave you like this.” He turned back to the door and twisted the lock.

Before she could comprehend what was happening, he was across the room. He grabbed her, pulling her tight against his chest. “No more crying. Please.” He leaned down and kissed her, hard, like someone claiming possession of what was rightfully his. Her arms slipped around his neck, lost to everything but the feel and taste of his mouth. When he pulled away, gazing into her eyes, she asked, breathless, “What is this?”

“The thought of you in here crying over me seems to outweigh all my demons. And the truth is, I love you. I've loved you almost from the first moment I met you. I can't help myself.” His voice was ragged now. “Even though I don't deserve you. I won't ever get over what happened to my family, Annie. But I love you, too. And Alder. I don't know how those things run together in my life. But I love you. That's all I know.” He kissed her again, his hands in her hair, his mouth trailing down the soft skin of her neck and then back to her mouth. “Tell me you love me back,” he whispered, pulling her tighter.

“I love you back.”

He picked her up, carrying her into the bedroom and setting her down gently on the bed. Like unwrapping an anticipated gift in expensive wrapping, he slipped off her pajamas. In the muted light, his eyes traveled the length of her body; her insides turned hot and gooey. Then, she watched him as he undressed, pulling his T-shirt over his head and discarding his sweats in two effortless movements, never taking his eyes from her face. She imagined it was probably enormous, frightened eyes that peered back at him. It had been so long since a man had touched her. And none had ever touched her as gently as this, she thought, when he joined her on the bed, taking her into his arms to kiss her without haste, like exploring a complicated, exotic dish. After a time, though, his kisses grew more intense and he moved his mouth to the rest of her body until she was breathless and arching up to meet his mouth that was now on her breasts, flicking her nipples with his tongue until she thought she might climax before he was even inside her.