River of Mercy (45 page)

At least she was still staying with Doc and Susan. He had no doubt that they would keep her close and look after her.

Even so, he still wished he could be the one taking care of her.

He had to smile a little at his own thought. If Rachel were to know the way he was thinking, she'd no doubt inform him that she didn't need anyone taking care of her, that she could manage quite well on her own.

Rachel decided that morning that it was time for her to go home. She had relied on Mamma and Dr. David's strength and attentive care long enough. She had to get back to her own house, her own way of life, and her own resources before too much dependence on her family set in.

Mamma was the soul of patience with her, and Dr. David couldn't be more kind. Fannie loved having her here, but Rachel was afraid her younger sister was beginning to want her here all the time. In fact, only yesterday, she had asked Rachel if she couldn't just move home to stay.

It was no good to let Fannie get her hopes up about that, and it wasn't right that Rachel should go on monopolizing her mother's time and attention either. She sensed that even Dr. David was spending more time at home, staying closer than usual. Goodness, they'd been put out enough already, what with fretting over her, keeping an eye on her house, and helping to tend her animals as well as their own. She needed to convince them that she was ready now to go home, that indeed she wanted to go.

And in spite of sometimes still feeling a little unnerved and confused by everything that had happened, she did want to get back to her usual way of living. Apparently Samuel was long gone now, so she no longer had to dread the thought of him showing up at her door again or carrying out the threat he'd made about having her shunned. Even though a shadow of sadness seemed to trail her every movement, and though she couldn't completely shake the guilt that edged its way into her mind when she remembered his insinuations about her and Jeremiah, she had to admit she was beginning to feel a subtle sense of freedom that Samuel could no longer plague her with his insistent visits and proposals.

Later that morning, she took advantage of the time when Fannie was walking Thunder to tell Mamma what she planned to do. She would talk with Fannie later, but she wanted to tell her mother first while they could be alone.

At first, Mamma was visibly upset. “Oh, Rachel, are you sure you're ready to be alone so soon? It hasn't been so long, after all, and you know we enjoy having you here. Why, Fannie will be so upset to hear you're leaving!”

“Mamma, Fannie's getting too used to my being here all the time. It's not good for her. We know I have to go home sometime. Besides, I'll make sure she knows I want her to come and stay with me as often as she likes, just as she always has.”

She took both her mother's hands in hers. “I can't tell you how much it's meant to have you and Dr. David to lean on these past few days. You've been so good to me! But it's time I get back to my own home now, it really is. And after all, there's nothing but a big field between us, Mamma. It's not like we don't see each other every day.”

Susan nodded and squeezed her hands. “I know, I know.” When she looked at Rachel, tears were in her eyes. “But I'll miss you, daughter. It's been wonderful-
gut
having you here under the same roof again.”

Her grasp on Rachel's hands tightened. “Oh, when I think what Samuel threatened you with—I can't even bear the thought of it! He had to know how much the very idea of the
Bann
would frighten you, how it would hurt you! He knew that, and he still—”

“Don't, Mamma.” Rachel lifted her hands away to clasp her mother's face between them. “It's all right now. Samuel won't hurt us anymore. And I'm all right now. I'm just going home, nowhere else. I'll always be close by.”

Her mother wiped at her eyes with both hands. “Still, you'll be careful,
ja
? You'll lock your doors and…just take care, won't you? There's still somebody out there up to no good, Rachel.”

“Don't you worry, Mamma. I'll be careful. Of course I will.”

Rachel dropped her hands away, but her mother quickly covered them with her own again. “And, Rachel…there's something I want to say to you. Something I want you to know.”

Rachel looked at her, waiting.

“When you told me about how you felt when Samuel accused you of being…wrong in your behavior with Captain Gant, you admitted…” Her mother's face flamed for an instant, but she went on. “You admitted you had let him…kiss you.”

“Oh, Mamma, I'm so sorry. I didn't want to hurt you…I was just so upset that night—”

“No, no, I don't mean to accuse you. Just…tell me this. Do you think I'm a bad woman, Rachel?”

Rachel reared back in astonishment. “Mamma! How can you ask such a thing? You're a wonderful woman! Everyone knows that. You're the best mother ever, a good wife, a friend to everyone in the community… why, you couldn't be a finer, more godly woman!”

“Then let me tell you something. I thought perhaps it would help you to feel better if you knew. And I would tell no one but you. We Amish women, we don't usually share such things, but you seem so full of self-doubt right now. And you're feeling bad about yourself. But you shouldn't, daughter. You see, truth be told, David kissed me too…before we were married. More than once. Even before he converted to the faith, he kissed me. And I let him.” She stopped. “We had loved each other for so long. So I understand…about you and Captain Gant. And if you don't think I'm a bad woman for wanting to be…close to the man I love, then neither should you think of yourself as one, Rachel.”

Rachel sat staring at her crimson-faced mother, who seemed in that moment unable to meet her eyes, and then gently pulled her into a hug. “Oh, Mamma, thank you! Thank you for telling me that!”

Mamma met her gaze again, and then, as Rachel watched, she seemed to struggle to find her sternest motherly expression. “That doesn't mean, of course, that you should allow it to happen again.”

For the first time in days, Rachel smiled—really, genuinely smiled. “No, of course not, Mamma.”

44

Oh! Thou, who comest, like a midnight thief,
Uncounted, seeking whom thou may'st destroy;
Rupturing anew the half-closed wounds of grief,
And sealing up each new-born spring of joy.

J
OHN
K
EEGAN

S
he took her time about coming back to her own place.

He'd been waiting, hiding in the trees and watching every night for a week now, growing more and more furious when she didn't show up. He wasn't dumb enough to try to get to her while she was still at her mother's place. Not with her family around. Even Gideon was there sometimes, and that Gant fellow had stopped by as well. No, there were just too many people watching her who could ruin his plans again.

He just wanted
her.
Rachel. Gant, too, but he might have to be satisfied with just Rachel at first. Gant and that big hound of his were a risk. He hadn't figured out yet how to take him.

At first he'd thought getting rid of Gant would solve everything. But once he realized the man wasn't going to leave, he tried to scare Rachel into staying away from him. That hadn't worked either. Now that she'd gone and ruined everything, he just wanted revenge.

He would have been content to just scare her, but not actually hurt her. He'd thought she would eventually lose faith in Gant and even suspect him of the trouble happening all around. But oh, no. The more bad things happened, the more she seemed to cuddle up to him.

He hadn't meant things to go this far. At first, it had been mostly pranks. Fun. Just stirring up a little trouble to liven things up a bit. The fires, the teasing of the little sister, nobody had really got hurt. But after the accident with the Esch woman, his so-called
Englisch
friends had quickly deserted him. Only by threatening to implicate both of them in the Esch woman's death and the other troubles did he manage to convince them to keep their silence.

He was on his own then, and everything just got worse.

He tried to stop once, but he kept being drawn back in. Something in him craved the excitement. Now this. What a mess. And it was all Rachel's fault. Hers and Gant's. If she'd only acted like a decent Amish widow instead of getting mixed up with that outsider like a common tramp, nothing would have come to this point.

His two cowardly brothers blabbing to the bishops about the beatings. His
dat
losing his temper like a wild man and taking it out on
him,
now that the other two had run off to hide at their Aunt Rebekah's. And now
Dat
's shunning.

He rubbed his shoulder and his cheekbone, where a big, painful bruise had raised up after the last beating. As if everything was
his
fault, when in truth it was all
Rachel's
fault. Hers and Gant's. If she'd only acted like a decent Amish widow instead of getting mixed up with that
auslander,
nothing would have come to this point.
Dat
would still be the bishop, he wouldn't be taking his temper out on
him,
and his brothers would still be at home.

What a mess.

Well, Rachel had herself to thank, now that he'd completely given up any thought of being careful with her so as not to do her any real harm. There was no longer any reason to avoid hurting her. Now he intended to give her what was coming to her. And somehow, later, he'd get Gant as well.

They had spoiled everything—every plan he'd had, every attempt he'd made to put things right, to make things work out the way they were supposed to. So things would get better for him. So things would be better for his whole family. Instead, everything was a disaster.

The two of them were now going to pay. First her, then Gant. Starting tonight.

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