Authors: Jilly Cooper
Tags: #General, #General & Literary Fiction, #Fiction - General, #Television actors and actresses, #Television programs, #Modern fiction, #Modern & contemporary fiction (post c 1945), #Cabinet officers, #Women Television Producers and Directors, #Aristocracy (Social class), #Fiction
up on 'EastEnders' in the ratings; but they waited until Taggie was safely out of the room to discuss the franchise.
'There are some quite fascinating developments,' Tony said tantalizingly, 'but I'm not prepared to leak them until November, when it'll be nearer the IBA meetings and people are properly back from their holidays and reading newspapers again. And then, my God, Venturer will wish they'd never tried to take us on.' He paused as Taggie came in with the
salad.
Not that she would have taken anything in that night. In the kitchen she was frantically trying to watch the Horse of the Year Show, hoping to catch a glimpse of Rupert. At least she saw Tabitha in the mounted games utterly
adorable and so like Rupert as she jumped up and down waiting for the baton, then grabbing it and scorching up the arena. The finals were just coming up when Sarah summoned Taggie to clear away the pudding.
By this time Tony was banging on about AIDS again. 'By the year 2000, unless we get our act together in this country, we'll have sixteen million cases. The message from America is loud and clear, affairs are passe.' He gazed down the table. 'Monogamy and fidelity in marriage are in fashion again. It's vital that everyone is made aware of the dangers of AIDS. It's up to us at Corinium to set the ball rolling.'
James felt that Sarah had been so very very caring to go to all that trouble with the daube that, in the hall after dinner, he was foolish enough to behave in a thoroughly unmonogamous fashion and be caught by Tony not only kissing her, but putting his hand inside her new silk dress.
On Monday morning Tony summoned James to his office. 'I've been thinking a lot about our conversation about AIDS on Saturday night,' he began briskly. 'I've decided it's time for you to have your own series, which we'll almost certainly sell to the network.'
'That's very good of you, Tony,' said James.
'I want to make a series examining all aspects of marriage,' went on Tony.
'Financial, dual careers, how much housework should the caring husband do,' rattled off James excitedly. 'Sex, rows, decorating the house.'
That's right,' said Tony. 'We could perhaps even introduce children and the pressures they put on a marriage. But basically the whole series will be aimed at couples who are getting behind marriage again, who want to avoid AIDS by staying with the same person for the rest of their lives. We'll call it "How to Stay Married".'
'With the AIDS panic, it'll be a real franchise-grabber,' said James excitedly.
'Exactly,' said Tony urbanely. 'And I want you and a very charming lady not far from your heart to front it.'
'I don't even have to guess, Tony,' said James warmly, 'but d'you really feel she's experienced enough?'
'More important,' said Tony, who was enjoying himself, 'she's a natural. She's not too obviously glamorous, but she's got just the right kind of lovely warm bubbly personality that'll make couples talk and trigger off a really good audience reaction.'
James bowed his head. 'I know Sarah will appreciate the very great honour you're bestowing on her, Tony, both to combat AIDS and to help Corinium retain the franchise.'
'I'm not talking about Sarah, you berk,' said Tony icily. 'I mean your wife, Lizzie, and if you value your job, the less you see of Mrs Stratton over the next three months the better.'
Taggie spent the next week dreaming of Rupert. She knew he loved and lived with Cameron, who would be back in a week or so, but she couldn't help herself. On Thursday she watched him on television at the Party Conference making a brilliant speech saying that the Tories must get off their fat backsides and start thinking positively about unemployment and the way it directly affected hooliganism and rioting in the inner cities. Taggie, detecting Declan's influence, felt very proud.
On Friday night a slight distraction was provided by Caitlin
coming home for a long weekend, with her black hair dyed white at the front, still utterly besotted with Archie.
'He went into the town and brought eighty cans of beer back in a taxi and smuggled them in and sold them to the other boys on the black market in order to buy me this gorgeous jersey. I haven't taken it off since he sent it me, so please can you wash it tonight, and my black jeans so I can wear them tomorrow? Archie's taking me out to lunch. What's Mummy doing for the rest of the day?'
'Rehearsing, I think,' said Taggie.
Exactly on cue, Maud wandered in, looking radiant. 'Hullo, darling, how's school?'
'Ghastly. Anyone with layered hair is being sent home, so I'm going to get mine layered on Monday.'
'I've bought some apples,' said Maud, waving a large paper bag at Taggie. 'They're so cheap in the market.'
And they cost nothing in the orchard, thudding on to the I grass every two minutes, Taggie wanted to scream. She ' wanted to murder her mother sometimes.
That's a nice jersey,' said Maud, looking at Caitlin. 'Where did you get it?'
'It was a present,' said Caitlin noncommittally. 'You will wash it carefully, won't you, Tag? How's The Merry Widow?.' she asked her mother.
'Oh, exhausting, but fun,' said Maud, pouring herself a large whisky. 'I -er
thought I might go to the cinema with some of the cast tomorrow night,' she added casually. Taggie's cooking. Will you be all right on your own, Caitlin?'
'Brilliant,' beamed Caitlin. 'Stay out as long as you like. I've got masses of work. Have dinner and make a night of it. I've got to read Antony and Cleopatra and write an essay on Streetcar Named Desire. I think it's extraordinary that they shut us up in single-sex schools and then give us these amazingly erotic set books.'
By the time Taggie had cleared up supper and washed and ironed Caitlin's jersey and jeans and put them in the hot cupboard it was two o'clock in the morning. Admittedly her progress had been slowed up by constantly looking out of the window to watch for Rupert's helicopter landing on the lawn, or his car coming up the drive. But there was nothing. Perhaps he'd gone to Ireland to see Cameron after all.
It seemed she'd hardly fallen asleep when she was roused by an hysterical Caitlin. That bugger Mummy used all the water, so I can't wash my hair or have a bath, and even worse she's gone off in my new jersey and jeans. And now I can't wear it for Archie, and he'll never believe I haven't lost it, like Desdemona's handkerchief. I hate, hate, hate her, bloody old cow, and she's bound to split my jeans.'
'I'll run you into Cotchester and buy you something else,' said Taggie. 'I got paid in cash yesterday.'
'It's no good,' screamed Caitlin. 'I wanted Archie to see me in his jersey. I'll kill her, I'll absolutely kill her.'
Nothing Taggie could say would calm her down.
'I'll ring up Rupert and see if you can have a bath there,' said Taggie in the end.
Throat dry, heart thumping, hands drenched in sweat and trembling, Taggie misdialled the number three times in her nervousness. When Rupert didn't answer immediately, she nearly put the telephone down.
'Hullo.' He sounded irritable and very sleepy.
'It's Taggie.'
'My darling.' His voice softened.
'I'm desperately sorry,' she began. Then, stammering worse than ever, she explained what had happened, but didn't mention Archie's name. 'Could I possibly rush Caitlin over to wash her hair and have a bath?'
'Of course,' said Rupert, 'as long as we can all have it together.'
Rupert hadn't shaved when they arrived. He was wandering around in bare feet, having obviously just put on the white shirt and the black dinner-jacket trousers he'd been wearing last night. He looked bugeyed.
'I won't stop,' mumbled Taggie, desperate not to impose on him. 'I'll pick Caitlin up in an hour, OK?'
Rupert pulled her into the house. 'Don't be boring. As I'm
such a notorious reprobate, you ought to stay and chaperone Caitlin.'
Caitlin promptly started raging on about Maud. 'Bloody old cow, nicking all the water, and my seducing kit. What does she want with it? I bet she's up to someone, the old tart. It's high time my father came home.'
'Caitlin,' remonstrated Taggie, going pink. 'Rupert hasn't got all day. I thought you wanted to be ready by twelve. Go and have a bath.'
Grinning, Rupert took Caitlin upstairs and showed her where everything was. Taggie glanced at some photographs of Tabitha at Wembley which were lying on the kitchen table.
'Aren't these gorgeous?' she said, as Rupert came back. 'I saw a bit of it on television at Sarah Stratton's, but I missed the final. Did her team win?'
'No, but they came third, and she did well. Horse and Hound described her as a "chip off the old Campbell-Black"; which was nice.'
'Marvellous,' said Taggie. 'Am I in your way?' she asked as Rupert paused on his way to the fridge.
'No, I just like standing behind you. I know you'll spring to her defence, but your mother is an absolute disgrace. Swanning off with all Caitlin's clothes at her age. Maud's trouble is that she wants to have her cake and eat it, and make trifle out of it as well.'
Taggie giggled, but she said, 'I know, but it's such a relief that she's happy and working again. She might even start doing it professionally, and she's so beautiful,' Taggie sighed. 'It's hardly surprising all the cast's in love with her.'
Rupert privately deduced that Maud must be in love with one of the cast to have lost enough weight to get into Caitlin's jeans, but merely said, 'I've got a hangover. Let's have a drink.'
'I mustn't,' said Taggie, 'or I'll make another cock-up of cooking tonight.'
'Don't say you're working again?' said Rupert, appalled. Taggie nodded dolefully.
'Jesus,' said Rupert. 'I'd better make a date with you for next October.'
'I'm so sorry,' stammered Taggie, hanging her head, 'It's n-not that I wouldn't love to.'
'I've got an idea," said Rupert. 'My children are coming over this afternoon. Why don't you come out with us for the day tomorrow, and help me entertain them?'
'I'll make a picnic,' said Taggie, suddenly excited.
'No, you won't. For once you're not going to cook a thing.'
With both Maud and Caitlin plundering her wardrobe, Taggie was at her wit's end as to what to wear. Feeling desperately guilty, with the Electricity Board, the television hire firm, the village shop, and God knows who else baying to be paid, she blued, or rather greyed, Friday lunchtime's cash wages on a pale-grey cashmere polo-neck which brought out the silver-grey in her eyes and clung to her in all the right places. There was no more money, so she'd have to wear her old black cords.
Next morning Maud whizzed off very early to yet another rehearsal. Caitlin, who nobly said she'd dogsit and read Antony and Cleopatra, hustled Taggie out of the house.
'You look delectable. Randy Rupe won't be able to keep his hands off you. Don't hurry back. I'm quite OK on my own -' she smirked wickedly 'or,
almost on my own. The Hon Arch will be dropping by plus tard. Or Marble Arch, as I call him, now he's lost his suntan.'
Tabitha, amid the swirling pack of dogs, answered the door looking belligerent. She was wearing a pink sweater embroidered with blue flowers and a blue puff-ball skirt.
'Hullo,' said Taggie in delight. 'I recognize you; you were on television last Saturday. You were wonderful, and what a beautiful clever pony. He was much the fastest. What's his name?'
'Biscuit,' said Tabitha coldly.
'Can I see him?'
'He's at my other house.'
'Oh, what a shame. I've brought him some carrots.' Taggierummaged round in a carrier bag, 'and I've made you some fudge.'
Thank you,' said Tab, looking slightly mollified. 'Can I have a bit now?"
'I don't see why not. I like your puff-ball skirt. I wanted to get one, but my knees are far too knobbly.'
'Mummy says hers are, too,' said Tab. 'Perhaps they're not suitable for grownups.'
Stroking the dogs, Taggie sat down on one of the stone seats inside the porch.
'What's your name again?' said Tabitha. 'Taggie. It's really Agatha, isn't that awful? Tabitha's so much nicer. My parents call me Tag, sometimes, which sounds just like Tab, doesn't it? I expect when Marcus shouts Tab we'll both go charging into the kitchen to see what he wants and bump into each other in the doorway.'
Tabitha stared at her consideringly, and suddenly she smiled.
'And you're nine and a quarter?' said Taggie. 'Yes,' sighed Tab, pushing her blonde hair out of her eyes. 'Can't you see my wrinkles?'
Taggie giggled. 'Still, it's awfully young to be in the Mounted Games. Were you the youngest?'
'Yes,' said Tab. 'If you come back to Warwickshire with us tonight you can see Biscuit. We've got a foal here. Would you like to come and see it?' 'Yes, please,' said Taggie.
The front door opened; it was Marcus. 'Hullo,' he said, 'Daddy wants to know where you've got to.'