Ring Road (38 page)

They were expecting most people to turn up around midnight. By then it'd be packed. You wouldn't be able to move. Ricky said he'd be coming in at about 10 with the drugs. Loads of people from the Institute were coming after pub chucking-out time. Wally Lee, even, who was playing a gig himself up at Maxine's, some line-dancing thing, said he'd be in later.

‘It's gonna be totally crazy, ' Paul told Scunty again, as he lined up his records. ‘It's gonna be massive.'

A couple of people had turned up at 8, but they were local grungy teenagers just, and they handed over their money, wandered around the ground floor of the hotel, and then sat down on the milk crates in the old chapel, rolled something up and started smoking it. The teenagers were Bethany, in fact, Francie and Cherith's daughter, and her boyfriend, Kirk, who is several years older and who owns a car.

Bethany is not like Kirk's other girlfriends – as a minister's daughter she has all the appeal of forbidden fruit, the guileless, trusting nature of the truly meek and mild, and she is reckless enough to try anything. It's a winning combination and Kirk is completely obsessed with her. Bethany, meanwhile, remains obsessed with CO
₂
emissions, the hole in the ozone layer, CFCs, acid rain and the prospect of nuclear war: she's into what Kirk calls globiality. Kirk couldn't get into it himself. What Kirk and Bethany have in common is the same musical taste, beginning with Nu-Metal and Marilyn Manson, and going right back to Nirvana and further back even to the
Doors. Music is what had brought them together in the first place and why they were here – the promise of something so loud that it would take them out of themselves and out of our small town. They were discussing where to buy drugs and whether amyl nitrate was any good or not. Kirk claimed it was excellent, although he'd never had any and wasn't quite sure what it was. He assumed it was something you got in a chemist's.

After smoking what they believed to be a joint of the highest quality THC dope and which was, in fact, tobacco sprinkled with Tesco's Mixed Herbs, but which seemed to have had the required head-spinning effect, Bethany tossed the butt away and embraced Kirk in what she hoped was a passable imitation of a vampish manner and kissed him, using her tongue in the way her last boyfriend, Danny, had taught her. The technique certainly seemed to work with Kirk, although all the herbs made it taste a bit like kissing an omelette, and she had to take a break after a few minutes to catch her breath and to pick a few strands of rosemary from her teeth.

Paul saw them kissing at the same moment he saw the flames, and right away he knew it was time to get out.

It began along one of the chapel's remaining panelled walls, a wall crusted thick with a century's dirt and varnish but which still held an engraved metal tablet listing the names of all those from our town who had died in the Great War, names familiar to all of us still today, the Cuddys and the Cannings and the Grieves and the Hawkinses and the McCruddens: the great Unfallen. It was a slow starter, the fire, appropriately enough, but then it suddenly found its feet and leapt up into the hidden cavities and voids behind the panelling, and spread upwards and outwards, round the walls and up and out into the dining room and the arcade and the bedrooms upstairs, leaping, jumping and breaking through all the enclosures of the Quality Hotel, through every wall and vaulting every obstacle, the flames and hot gases catching on to the natural air currents
and moving out and across the plastic fibre carpets, through the stud walls, along the suspended ceiling tiles and rushing through the ventilation and lift shafts. The twentieth century was destroyed within minutes. The rest of the building took longer.

People die in a fire for one of two reasons: either they burn to death quickly or they're slowly asphyxiated, and Paul did not intend to die either way. He had assembled all of this, all the gear, all the people soon to be arriving. He had made something happen. Or at least something which was about to happen. But now he was going to have to close down before he'd even properly begun. It was a disappointment, but he had no choice.

He did two things.

He shouted ‘Fire!' and then he ran. Scunty and Bethany and Kirk followed him out into the Italian garden, where, like the rest of the town, they stood and watched.

The last person to see it was Sammy.

It was just a small flame, which had danced along the top of the roof of the Quality Hotel, until it reached the adjoining building, the building which housed the Oasis, where Sammy was inside.

He was in the spa pool, as usual – the Oasis was shut down for Christmas, but he was there, in the pool just the same, and in his mind he was with little Josh. In his mind Josh was about fourteen tonight, which was a good age, because it meant he still enjoyed Christmas but he was also good to talk to, and so the two of them talked about how the past year had gone, and Josh was delighted with the presents Sammy had bought him.

At first Sammy thought he was smelling in his imagination, which he'd done before – he'd smelt Josh many, many times, reminders of the evening when his little boy had died, when he'd let him down – but then the smoke began to fill
his
lungs, and it felt like acid, and the more he tried to breathe, the more he found himself choking, and he'd try to take a breath and then another breath, but it felt like someone pouring burning liquid into the back of his throat. He retched and tried to take a deeper breath, which was worse, and finally to escape the fire he went down under the water.

Davey Quinn missed it all. He didn't see a thing. He didn't look back. He never took his eyes off the road.

Davey wasn't going to lose the momentum of this journey. It had taken a long time to build up to it. There was no way he was stopping now. This could be the start of bigger and better things. As he passed the golf club, the outskirts, with their stone sleeping lions, he gave a sigh of relief.

He was leaving town, with Lorraine.

He threw the bus up on to the motorway. He'd earned his PCV licence years ago when he was living in London, and now a job had come up, driving a tour bus round Europe – he'd found it on the Internet – and he'd jumped at it.

They were getting away. First stop London, then Paris, Rome, down to Spain and back again. They'd be gone for eight months of the year, staying in a different hotel every night. It sounded absolutely perfect. He'd heard of people who'd gone as far away as Turkey.

It was funny, leaving. Everything looked exactly the same: the same rolling hills, the same patches of fields and houses, the same roundabouts, the motorway. It was all just as he remembered it. Nothing had changed. Only the weather.

‘Wow,' said Lorraine, pointing, excited. ‘Snow!'

‘Huh,' said Davey.

The pagination of this electronic edition does not match the edition from which it was created. To locate a specific passage, please use the search feature of your e-book reader.

The index is intended for the curious, the wary and the professionally lazy. It is perhaps less interesting than the Preface and probably less informative than the Acknowledgements. Its one great advantage is that it may be used as a substitute for reading the book itself – no bad thing. Skimming and skipping are two of the great pleasures of reading, although the fastidious may, of course, disagree; they may also take courtesy for a gimmick.

The entries are by no means exhaustive. Some words – T, for example – have been deemed too insignificant for inclusion, while some concepts – let us say ‘love' – have been regarded as too large. As a guide the index will therefore prove insufficient. But as an evocation it is my hope that it proves adequate.

abandonment,

– of all reason, Francie McGinn's 82–83

– of her first-born son, Mrs Donelly's 206

– of His Only Begotten Son, God's 52–53

abasement,

– various forms of 12, 14–18, 28–29, 62, 71, 72, 95, 102, 105, 106, 128, 131, 135–136, 237, 255, 285

ability,

– unrelated to performance, 32, 71, 95–96, 251

abominations,

– various 15–18, 88, 186–188, 257–258

abroad, ix, 43, 56, 73, 137, 134–135, 137, 172, 330n., 366

– Mr Donelly doesn't hold with 198

–
see also entries under
America, Australia,
and
travelling,

absence,

– defend yourself by 5, 9–10, 12–13, 105, 137, 216–217, 254–255, 366

– makes the heart grow fonder, xi, 32, 137

– of a pie, 268n.

abstinence,

– engenders maladies, 82

abstract,

– ideas, ix., 3

– ideas, dislike of, 4, 149

abundance, xi, 29, 235–236

academics,

– mocked, 3

accidents, 11, 270

– solemn, 27, 166, 314–315

– the self-employed and 119–120

accomplices, 141

aches,

– and pains, 27, 115, 164

– heart, 104–106, 214–216, 255

achievements,

– not certificated 38

acquaintances,

– and friends 153, 315–316

acquisition, 24, 87, 117, 136, 236

actions,

– speak louder than words, 72, 200, 284–285

actors, 38, 43, 302–303, 325

acupuncture, 117–119

– and upholstery, 118

–
see also entries under
electrocution

adages,

– assorted, 244–245, 238–239

Adam,

– and Eve, 17

addiction, 25, 56, 105, 106, 209, 217–218, 221, 234, 304, 320

adepts,

– compared to amateurs, 127

adoption, 158–161, 170, 273

adultery,

– brazened out, 106, 185–186

– regretted bitterly, 306–307

adversity, 5, 13, 57n. 104

– and wisdom, 119–120

– sour, 171, 253

advertisements,

– in the back of local newspapers, to be avoided, 67–68, 73, 168, 188

advice, 188

– ask, how not to, 309–310

ageing, 229, 234, 239

– and the mutual admiring of power-boats and younger women, 154

– Kate Winslet in the film
Titanic
and, 237

– rocker, an, 90–91

agonies,

– of conscience, 170, 185, 306–310

‘ah',

– how to whisper, 300

airports, 6–7

alive,

– the feeling of being, xi, 6, 83, 86, 240, 268, 313, 358, 365

Alzheimer's, 142, 253–255

– and television, 28, 355

amateur dramatics, 159, 299, 325–326, 332–366

amateurs,

– compared to adepts, 127

ambitious,

– soul, the, x, xii, 5, 25, 57n., 73, 90, 108–109, 117, 15–151, 164–166, 204, 247, 253, 299, 351, 361

America,
66,
138–139, 204, 234

– comes to us unbidden, 205–206

– ‘downtown experiences' in, 222

– huge plate of nachos eaten in, photographic evidence of, 139

– hugging imported from, 258

–
see also separate entries under
Florida, Friends,
and
New York

Americanisms, 141, 221–222, 360–361

angel,

– Delight, 121

– Gabriel, 274

– ministering, a, 348

angels,

– on the side of the, 50, 91, 195

anger, 114, 359

anonymity, 9

antagonisms, 25, 228–229

anti-climax, 25

anxiety,

– the age of, 56

apologies, ix–xii, 1–366, 367–385, 386–388

architects,

– culminated, 15, 16, 18, 24, 155, 156, chap. 11
passim

Aristotle, 352

–
Nicomachean Ethics,
3

arithmetic, 14, 217–218

artists,

– naïve, 223n.

– others, 108, 111–112, 113, 153

–
see also entries under
sunflowers
and
Van Gogh

aspirations,

– hindered, examples of,
96,
99, 109–110, 151–152, 361–362

assertions,

– concerning God, chap. 1–21
passim

– concerning the world, chap. 1–21
passim

assumptions,

– made about characters, 1ff.

– made about readers, ix–xii

Australia,

– a backpacker from, even in our town, 356

– everyone seems to have relatives in, 134

– the difficulty of imagining, 34

autobiography,

– disguised as fiction, 12, 29, 76, 131, 295, 325

autodidacts, 352

– books preferred by, 156–157

–
see also entries under
books
and
writers

averageness,

– our bedimmed, 14–18, 22, 76, 86, 172ff.

avocado,

– the first, 272

avoidance,

– of plot, 2–365

awry,

– things going, 28, 44, 69, 83, 103, 109–110, 119, 192–194, 305–310, 329–331

babies,

– almost only mention of, 4–5

bad,

– people, examples of, 41, 46, 109–110, 317–318

– Scotsman, the, 239, 281–286

– things happen, 98, 216, 314–315, 317–318

bakers, 16–17

baking, 30, 200

balls,

– to have someone by the, 147, 181

– up, 64

balm, 83, 126, 233–234

banalities, 48, 260, 340–343

bands, 79, 82, 83, 135, 186, 296–297, 299, 304–305, 351–352

– brass, 135n.

Baptists, 189

barbers, 182–3

bathing,

– deluxe, in the Oasis spa pool, 107–108

be,

– yourself, an unnecessary reminder to, 242

beard, 59–61, 108

– shifty and patriarchal, example of, 165

– washing of, in order to remove the smell of butchered meat, 59

beautiful,

– sentence, 1

beauty,

– not widely available here in town, 357

– plastic surgery and, 229, 235

– Sting, Elton John, and the interiors

of brand new German cars are

all examples of, according to

Bob Savory, 246

–
see also entries under
luxury
and
brilliance

beer,

– Czech, 127

– other (including Guinness), 57, 76, 91, 103, 163

Being,

– and Doing, compared and contrasted, 77

bells!,

– Hell's, 206

betrayal,

– myriad depressing examples of, 83, 109–110, 133–134, 135n., 147, 283–285, 330–331

Bible, the

– and the Body Shop, 182

– confused with God, 72–73

– How Not to Read, For All It's Worth, 309–310

– more effective than a hot milky drink, 181

– watching romantic comedies on video instead of studying, 307

bicycle polo, 57

big–headedness, 196–197, 199

birth, 3, 5

– Davey Quinn's, a disappointment even to himself, 4

biscuits, 29, 37, 90, 195, 210, 307, 316, 325

– are a godsend, 337

blame, 104–105, 152, 253, 284

blasphemy, 32, 188

blind, the

– leading the blind, example of, 71, 90–91, 188

boat,

– push the, out, 61, 64, 198, 301

bondage,

– freedom from, 346

– is hoarse, 216

bones,

– a bag of, 89

– let's make no, about it, 331

– sticks and stones may break my, 279

– unavailability of from local butchers, 336

books, 28, 52, 65, 108, 150, 165n., 346–347

– as the long alternative route to friendship, 154

– borrowing, 239–240

– business, 143, 244, 245

– self-help, 107, 209

– the best, are usually rhyming, 244

–
see also entries under
autodidacts
and
writers

boot,

– put the, in, 110, 331

born,

– again, no good time to be, 75

– to the manor, 152–153, 165

bowels,

– in the, of the Lord, 306

boxing, 90, 100, 276–277

boys,

– will be boys, 193–194, 277–278

brain,

– not apparently in use, 25, 146

–
see also entries under
idiocy
and
lechery

breakfast, 91–92

– dog's, 256

– fried, 57, 193, 336

–
see also entries under
eating
and
food

breast,

– making a clean, of it, 345

breathing,

– Benny Goodman's, the sound of, 289

– intercostal diaphragmatic method of, 300, 351

bribery, 147

bric-a-brac, 48–49, 236, 367–388

brides,

– to-be, 290–291

brilliance,

– currently unavailable, 357

–
see also entries under
beauty

brooding,

– passages, 14

brothers, 23, 272, 332–333

–
see also entries under
boys

bulimia, 285

bunkum, 132

burst,

– of eloquence, 164

bush,

– let's not beat about the, 1

business, 19, 141, 224–228, 289

– as usual, 84, 121, 321–322

– favours and, blurring of the distinction between in a small town, 225

butchers,

–
see
civilization

butter-balls, 88

–
see also entries under
sweets

buzz, 188–189

– opposite of a rut,
99

cadence,

– lovely 19, 207

calumnious,

– strokes, 277

cancers,

– various, 27, 44, 65, 115, 116, 202, 216, 302n.

cannibalism, 14

cant, 4n., 186n.

capitalism, 117, 136, 175–177, 235–236, 289

capricious,

– introduction of new characters towards end of book, 332–334

caps,

– baseball, 92, 360

– it was all, in them days, 257

captive,

– states, 29, 83, 95, 105, 106, 147, 181, 237, 253, 255

cars, 219, 312

– looking as though you know about, 11

carvery,

– Good Friday, 73–74, 82–83

–
see also entries under
Easter

catechism, 306n.

catharsis, 114, 213

– readily available, on payment of a small cash fee, 156

Catholicism, 79, 306

–
see also entries under
priests

cause,

– and effect, 131, 277n.

celebrity, 21

– as a warning and witness to the meaninglessness and transitoriness of human life, 2

–
see also entries under
show business

champagne,

– of life, gone flat, 29, 111, 255

–
see also entries under
drink
and
sparkling white wine

change,

– you must, your life, 180

charity, 350

– bags fiasco, the, 94

charms,

– hellish, Frank Gilbey's, 225

cheese, 57, 140

– a big, 20

– on toast, 237

childhood, 30, 79, 98, 161–162, 301n., 343

chinos,

– the final humiliation, 182

Chip Crisps, 209n.

chips, 58n.

chiropody,

– recommended as a career, 21 On.

–
see also entries under
foot

chops, 59, 226, 238, 270

Christmas, 10, 31–36, 200, 241, 313

– decorations, 36

– dinner, 35, 346–347

– snow at, 31

Chunky Butts, 209n.

Chupa-Chups, 221

church,

– declining influence of, 2

– going, 92, 185–186

– Happy, the, 308

– of the Cross and the Passion, 2, 49, 79

– throwing confetti in, 258

chutzpah,

– putting the
pah
into, Frank Gilbey, 87

cine-films, 161–162

cinemas, 43–44

– home, 28

– long gone and lamented, 41

city, 86, 220, 328

– and empirical questions of essence and existence, 7

– breaks, our equivalent of the Grand Tour, 138–139

– the self and the, 5, 127

civilization,

– butchers and the decline of Western, 17, 59

– celebrated in all its richness and diversity, 56–57

clarity,

– entirely lacking, 99, 131

– Billy Nibbs suddenly acquires, 114

classic,

– the, as a concept, 249

cleaning,

– some money-saving tips on, 335