Ricochet (13 page)

 
I
love you on your best days and I love you on your worst days. Even if it’s a
cranky day, I’m grateful to spend it with you. But please eat some chocolate
and come back to bed when you’re done being sassy <3

I
can’t help but smile stupidly. I’m can’t let these moments to continue to pass
by unappreciated because of my own anxiety. If I keep pushing him away, it will
be a self-fulfilling prophecy. I need to start trying as hard as he does. I
grab a pack of Swiss Rolls and dance back to the bedroom. I peek my head
through the doorframe. Cash is propped up against the headboard watching TV.

“Thank
you,” I said, “you didn’t have to do that. But thank you, and I’m sorry.”

“You’re
welcome. You don’t have to be sorry. It’s just… it’s a part of life it is what
it-“

“Oh
my god stop talking,” I interrupted, “I’m not sorry about that. Well I am sorry
about that too that was fucking disgusting but that’s not what I’m talking
about. I’m sorry for being so shitty to you. Not just today, I mean, like, all
the time.”

“It’s
really not that disgusting though,” he laughed.

“Could
you not? Could you just not,” I said, falling onto the bed and burying my face
in the pillow.

“Okay,
okay. But, seriously it’s fine. And you’re not shitty to me all the time,” he
said.

“I
am though. It’s shitty that I didn’t want to meet your family, and it’s shitty
that I didn’t want to move in with you and it’s shitty that I’m keeping furniture
I don’t want or need, and it’s shitty that I don’t tell you how much you mean
to me or that when I’m with you I feel like I’m on fire or that I am absolutely
terrified of how much I love you because I’ve never really had my heart broken,
and you make me feel vulnerable and it’s fucking scary to love somebody this
much,” I confessed.

“It’s
scary for me too. But I know that there is nowhere I would rather be than right
here, with you, right now. I see through your bullshit. You put on this big
front with all of this attitude and fucking eyeliner but it’s not as
bulletproof as you think it is. You don’t have to tell me how you feel for me
to know how you feel. Words are cheap anyway. I’d rather feel it, and know,
than hear it and question,” he explained.

“Yeah,
actions speak louder than words, but I’ve been acting standoffish and
non-committal too,” I objected.

“That’s
all part of your façade. You think you’ve got these masterfully built walls up
when really they’re drafty as fuck. It’s all over your face when you see me;
it’s in your eyes when you look at me. I feel it in the way you kiss me; I see
it in the way you writhe when I touch you. It’s there in the way you breathe
when I fuck you and the way you melt into me when I’m done. You’re not as slick
as you think,” he professed, stroking my collarbone. His fingertips sent
shockwaves through me and his words made my groin ache.

“So
you weren’t ever worried? You just knew?” I asked.

“Of
course I was worried. I’ve been in a constant state of worry. But I’ve lost
good things by overthinking them so I decided early on that instead of trying
to figure out how long I was going to have I you I was just going to let it be
what it is and enjoy it while I do. I’m just thankful for every day that I wake
up next to you. Whatever is going to happen is going to happen. Worrying does
nothing but waste valuable time,” he explained.

“That’s
kind of exactly where I’m at. I feel like I’ve been pushing you away because
I’m so afraid of getting hurt. But, regardless of what I say or don’t say, I’m
past the point of trying to protect myself. I’m fucked because I am completely
lost in you,” I gushed. Cash grabbed my face and kissed me, deeply. He pulled
away and looked into my eyes, drinking me in.

“I
love you so much, Lilly. It’s almost painful, it aches,” he breathed.

“That’s
what love actually feels like, I think. When all the butterflies fly away and
it feels like your heart is slowly breaking but you don’t want it to stop,” I
whispered. I used to be unsure what exactly love felt like. But now I’m
certain. It’s this. It feels like this. It’s dark, and it’s heavy, and it eats
you alive.

He
kissed me again, demanding, full of thirst. His hands skated over my body,
agitating an urgent and consuming ache. He pressed his body against mine,
invading my mouth with his tongue. I push him away and shake my head.

“Please
stop kissing me like that,” I begged.

“Why?”
he asked, “That’s my favorite way to kiss you.”

“Because.
You’re making me all squirmy and breathy,” I explained.

“That
is exactly what I want to do,” he replied, kissing my neck and pulling at my
hip.

“No!
I don’t want to fuck. Well, I mean, I do want to fuck. But I don’t want to want
to fuck. As amazing and emotionally charged as I am sure it will be, I won’t
enjoy it because I will have a mental block and not be able to stop thinking
about the fact that I’m fucking bleeding all over the place,” I persisted.

“You
know, I can probably help you get past that mental block. I am particularly
skilled in helping with overcoming sexual aversions,” he volunteered.

“No
thank you. I don’t need to overcome anything. I just need to make a doctors
appointment,” I sighed.

“Well,
there’s always anal,” he offered.

“I’m
only into that when I’m really drunk. And no, before you say anything, I don’t
have an aversion to it that requires your skill set. I don’t hate it. I just
don’t particularly enjoy it. Didn’t you buy booze? Let’s just get really drunk
and see what happens,” I suggested.

“We
probably shouldn’t. We have a big day of drinking tomorrow. It’s New Years Eve,
we have a societal obligation to get shit faced,” he said.

“Fuck.
I forgot that was tomorrow. Now I’m really upset. I had big plans for getting
wasted and having sloppy sex in Regan’s bathroom during the party,” I shrugged.

“We
can still do that. It would just be, like, really sloppy. Crime scene sloppy,”
Cash teased.

“You
need Jesus. Like, I am not playing with you, you are biblically unclean,” I
retorted, pulling the pillow from behind my head to smack him in the face.

“Well,
like I said, there’s always anal,” he noted.

“We’ll
see,” I said, snuggling back into him.

“There’s
ice cream in the freezer,” he whispered into my ear. I jumped up and ran out of
the room. “Bring two spoons! Two spoooooons!” he called after me. I brought
back the carton, and we sat it on the bed between us. We ate it straight from
the container as we laughed out loud at pretentious, independent sketch comedy.
As the credits rolled on the first episode, Cash turned to look at me.

“What?”
I asked. Cash sighed.

“Well,
since I can’t come onto you and let things flow there without you shutting it down,
I’m gonna just come out and ask. How do you feel about maybe… I don’t know…
sucking my dick a little bit? I’ve had a hard on for like three hours,” he
laughed.

“Seriously,”
I groaned.

‘’I’m
sorry! We got started earlier and now I’m on, and you know what, no, it’s fine.
I’ll just wait till you fall asleep and go jerk off,” he smirked. I sat the
carton of ice cream on the bedside table and pushed the comforter aside.

“You’re
the best,” he said, petting my hair as I reached down his waistband.

“Ok,
but no, like, throat fucking me,” I cautioned.

“No
way, just, do your thing,” he breathed. He moaned as I took him into my mouth.
I hadn’t given a blowjob to completion in a very, very long time. I pumped the
base of his dick with my hand as I flicked the tip with my tongue. I ran it in
circles around his head before taking him as deep as I could without gagging.
He twitched as I moved my mouth along the length of his cock. He gently guided
my head, nudging me to increase my speed. I complied. He clenched my hair in
his fist as he urged me to take him deeper. Just as my jaw was starting to
ache, Cash throbbed and gasped, sending warm salt pulsing across my tongue. I
reluctantly swallowed and crawled beside him. I took a bite of melting ice
cream and swished it around my mouth.

“Thank
you,” Cash said, exhaling deeply.

“You
don’t have to thank me,” I replied, rolling my eyes.

“Yes
I do. That’s a selfless act,” he laughed.

“You
go down on me all the time,” I countered.

“Yeah,
but I love it. I like how you taste. Nobody likes giving head,” he said.

“I
like it because you like it,” I admitted, taking another bite of ice cream.

“Well,
either way, thank you,” he repeated. Cash snuggled into my side and draped his
hand across my stomach. His breathing slowed and grew steady. I gently
repositioned myself parallel to him. He stirred slightly as I stroked his
cheek. I’m not letting go of this. If I have to fight for it, I’ll fight for
it. If it’s going to hurt, it’s time to let it hurt.

“You look absolutely stunning,” Cash
said, staring at me from the drivers seat.

“I know,” I teased, touching up my
lipstick in the visor mirror. I snapped it shut and tossed my lipstick back
into my bag. I am extremely nervous to take Cash to this party. There will
probably be at least three guys here that I have slept with. When you have a
small friend circle, things tend to get a little messy. I led him up the stairs
to Regan’s apartment. The party was already in full swing, attendees milling
around with red cups and chatting loudly in groups. I scanned the room for
Regan. She found me first, rushing to greet me.

“Hey Lilly! And Lilly’s boyfriend,”
Regan greeted us. She still wasn’t sure about Cash and refused to acknowledge
him by name. I rolled my eyes.

“Good to see you, Regan,” Cash smiled.
He was also aware that Regan held him in poor regard, because I drank two
bottles of cheap wine one night and told her everything that had happened when
we met. She thought they were huge red flags.

“Ditto, uh, Lilly? I need to talk to
you,” she whispered.

“What’s going on?” I asked, concerned.

“Well, uh, the thing is… Hunter is
here. I’m sorry I don’t know what to do he came with a group of guys I invited
I don’t… I don’t know,” she stammered.

“Are you fucking kidding me Regan?” I
asked with venom. I had worked extremely hard to complete eradicate Hunter from
my life.

“I’m sorry! I didn’t even know he was
here until he was like, already here. I don’t think he knew you were going to
be here. I don’t think I can just tell him to leave. He won’t fuck with you,”
Regan promised.

“No, he will not fuck with you,” Cash
laughed. Because that’s what I want to deal with tonight, Cash and Hunter in a
pissing contest.

“No, let’s just… let’s just go home.
I’m sorry Regan, I can’t be here,” I sighed.

“That’s ridiculous, Lil. We’re all
adults. You can spend a couple hours in the same room as your ex without dying.
I promise,” Cash said, leading me out of the entryway. I made eye contact with
Hunter as he entered the room from the hall. He smiled.
No, no. no. Do not approach us
.

“Lilly! Oh my gosh, it’s been… what…
like, a year? You look, wow. You look great,” Hunter gushed.

“I know. Um, I’m
gonna
go find some liquor, and drink it,” I spurted, dragging Cash towards the
kitchen.

“You didn’t even introduce me,” Cash
laughed once we were out of earshot. I glared at him.
 

“Lilly!” Regan shouted from the dining
room, “I’ve got a shot poured for you!” I told Cash to help himself to whatever
and went to join her.

“How? How is he here? Why?” I fumed at
Regan.

“Because, I made a public invite and we
still have mutual friends! I never thought he’d actually show up. Do you want
me to tell him to leave?” she asked.

“Yes. Yes I do want you to tell him to
leave,” I begged.

“Okay well I’m not going to actually do
that. Have Cash tell him to leave. He seems like the kind of guy that would get
off on making a scene to defend your honor,” she teased.

“He gets off on a lot of things but
that is not one of them,” I sighed.

“That’s disgusting. You’re disgusting.
T-M-I, Lilly, T-M-I,” she said, handing me a shot of tequila. We clinked our
glasses and threw back the shots. I slammed the glass on the table, and Regan
poured another.

“Are you trying to get me wasted?” I
asked.

“Of course,” she quipped. I pounded three
more shots before excusing myself to find Cash. I had assumed he would be
waiting where I left him, sipping a beer and scrolling on his phone, but he
wasn’t. He must be mingling. I stroll into the living room to find him sitting
on the couch. Hunter was perched across from him on the coffee table. He saw me
and waved me over. Fuck.

I sulked over and stood glaring at
Cash. He handed me a glass of wine.

“I think we need to go, we’ve got that
other thing, remember?” I bluffed. Cash smirked.

“I think that thing got cancelled,
babe. Sit down, this is good stuff,” he said, patting the seat of the sofa. I
reluctantly sat down.

“What’s good stuff?” I asked with
hesitation. I can only imagine the inappropriate shit that Hunter could have
decided to dredge up.

“Hunter here, was just telling me how
he’s been completely celibate since you left him, and has been trying to find
you for months to tell you,” Cash laughed.

“It’s not funny man, I know she’s like,
your girl now but I love her. I love you Lilly. And I will wait for you.
However long it takes,” Hunter mused. I’m going to cry. Cash is trying his best
to keep a straight face. I am so glad he finds this torture so humorous.

“You have completely gone off the deep
end. You need help. Cash, finish your beer, we’re leaving,” I fumed.

“No, you don’t have to leave. I’ll
leave you alone. I’ll be here when you’re ready,” Hunter said before he walked
away. I buried my face in my hands. Cash finally broke down with laughter.

“It’s not fucking funny!” I snapped,
smacking his arm.

“I’m sorry babe, it is pretty funny.
Your pussy voodoo has this poor guy all fucked up. I personally think you need
to take one for the team and help this motherfucker get his mojo back,” he
laughed.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” I
scoffed.

“Yes. Yes, I am kidding you. Please
stay far, far away from him. He’s like a stalker waiting to happen,” he said.

“I know. I had to change my phone
number. I had to change my email. Do you know how time consuming it is to
change your primary email?” I asked.

“Yeah, he told me all about it. He said
you even blocked him on Pinterest. I didn’t even know you could block people on
Pinterest. I don’t even think I know what Pinterest is,” he said.

“Yeah, it was a fucking mess. He got
super weird,” I asserted.

“We can leave if you want to leave, I
just wanted you to feel as awkward as I felt being approached by your ex and
told that he is waiting for his opportunity to swoop in and sweep you off your
feet,” he admitted.

“Stop… stop talking. I’m already pretty
drunk let’s just watch the ball drop and then we can go,” I said.

“Drunk enough to sneak off to the
bathroom?” Cash whispered into my ear.

“No. But I am going to run to the
bathroom. Alone. To pee. By myself,” I grumbled.

“Fine, message received. Hurry back,”
Cash said, kissing me sweetly. I walked into the bathroom and sat my glass of
wine on the counter. I sat on the edge of the tub and hung my head in my hands.
I’m mortified. Hunter was clearly bat shit insane. Maybe he’s just trying to
fuck with me, trying to hurt me and cause problems.

Suddenly, it went dark, and the door
slammed.

“Cash, I said no,” I laughed. Hands
grasped at my body. Lips touched my lips. They did not belong to Cash. I pushed
them away.

“Lilly, it’s okay. It’s just me,”
Hunter whispered.

“What in the fuck do you think you’re
doing?” I snapped, standing and fumbling around for the light switch.

“I just needed to get you alone, I need
to talk to you,” Hunter admitted.

“Okay well, just so you know, I’m
running straight out to tell Cash you kissed me, and he’s probably going to
punch your face,” I cautioned.

“No he’s not. I told him all about how
heartless you are and all he did was laugh. You think he wants to defend you?
You’re obviously a joke to him,” he mocked.

“He laughed because you are off your
fucking rocker. That is not normal social interaction, Hunter,” I explained.

“Either way, I just need to talk to
you, just for a minute,” he begged.

“Well, that’s not happening. I have
nothing to fucking say to you,” I spit. He pressed his hand over my mouth,
sending me stumbling backwards into the sink, and my wine glass crashing to the
floor.

“Then you’re going to listen,” he
breathed. I tried to pull his hand from my face and he grasped me tighter. I
let out a whimper.

“
Shhh
, I’m
not going to hurt you baby. I would never hurt you. You just need to know how
completely fucked it was to take off like that. Out of nowhere, and just never
talk to me again. I never got to tell you my side; I never got to defend
myself. You just fucking disappeared. You stopped coming around our friends.
You know how hard it is to move on with no closure?” he hissed. I don’t know
what he expected me to say. I also don’t know how he expected me to say it,
since he still had his hand over my mouth.

“I feel like you owe
me, Lilly,” he said, running his hand up the inside of my thigh. I let out a
muffled scream. The music outside stopped.

“Shut the fuck up, I already told you
I’m not going to hurt you,” he whispered.

“Lilly, are you okay?” Cash yelled
through the door, jiggling the handle. Hunter had locked it behind him. I
screamed again. Hunter jumped off me and I ran to the door, flinging it open. I
ran out of the bathroom, out of the apartment, and didn’t stop until I got to
the car. I threw myself into the passenger seat and locked the doors behind me.
I sobbed into my hands. I don’t know how much time had passed before the car
was beeping to unlock, and Cash slid into the drivers seat. His knuckles were
bleeding.

“Did he hurt you?” he asked, reaching
across to stroke my hair.

“No. Did you hurt him?” I asked.

“Yeah, I did,” he replied.

“Good,” I sighed.

“What happened in there?” he queried.

“You first,” I insisted.

“Well, mine isn’t much of a story. I
heard you scream, saw you crying, your lipstick on his face, broken glass on
the floor. So I hit him a couple times. Told him to stay the fuck away from
you, threatened to kill him. Typical stuff. Your turn,” he wavered.

“I thought it was you. He turned the
light off and came in and I thought it was you. Then he kissed me, and I
realized it was not you, and he told me that I owe him and tried to collect, he
didn’t get very far though. He stopped when you came to the door,” I
relayed.
 
Cash unbuckled his seat
belt and opened his door.

“Where are you going?” I asked
frantically.

“I’m going go finish fucking him up,”
Cash snapped. I’d never seen this kind of anger in his eyes.

“No. Let’s just… let’s go home. It’s
done. If you go back in there you’re going to end up getting arrested,” I
sighed. He sat back down and turned over the engine.

“You probably shouldn’t come back over
here alone. I really don’t want to have to murder this motherfucker so we need
to make sure he can’t find you. Does he know where you work?” he asked.

“Yeah, he knows where I work. But, I
think if he was going to show up at my work, he would have already,” I assured
him.
 

“Maybe I should start driving you,” he
suggested.

“I don’t think that’s necessary,” I
replied.

“Maybe not, but it would make me feel
better,” he admitted.

“I can handle myself. I can handle
Hunter. Yeah, he’s a little… unhinged. But he’s not dangerous,” I acknowledged.

“Lilly, he fucking assaulted you,” he
exploded.

“No, not really,” I argued.

“Yes, really. Why are you downplaying
this?” he asked.

“I don’t think I’m downplaying it, I
think you are overreacting. Nothing happened, nothing was going to happen. I
mean I appreciate you punching him in the face. He probably needed to get
punched in the face.
 
But, had
anything further happened, I would have punched him myself. I’m not a damsel in
distress, I can handle my own shit,” I explained.

“We missed midnight,” he sighed,
pointing to the dashboard clock. It was 12:02.

“Happy New Year,” I said,
sarcastically.

“Yeah,” he muttered. We rode the rest
of the way in silence. When we got home, Cash went straight to the bedroom and
shut the door. I needed to go change out of my dress, but I didn’t want to
interrupt his little display of whatever the fuck he was doing. Instead, I went
over to my empty apartment. Cash obviously wanted to be alone. I went into the
guest bedroom and sat in the windowsill. I don’t know why Cash is upset with
me. Maybe because I won’t feed into his paranoia about Hunter and let him feel
like he’s protecting me. Maybe he feels foolish that he resorted to physical
violence when nothing had happened to warrant it. Maybe he thought that I was
defending him, or that I had asked for it and was trying to cover up getting
caught. My phone started ringing in my purse.
 
I silenced it.

Cash must have heard my phone through
the walls. I heard the door open and shut, and Cash’s shoes click across the
hardwood, footsteps echoing off the empty walls.