Rich in Love: When God Rescues Messy People (20 page)

In our defense, the social worker brought as evidence the video from the police station where the mom told the girls their caregivers would torture and kill them. I brought my detailed journals I kept on all the children, where I wrote what people said verbatim. Since their mom was pulling accusations out of her imagination, she had nothing to back them up. But because she was the mother, her words carried more weight than mine and could have been very damning if I hadn’t had the journals; they are what saved us.

To add to the mess, Rose’s dad (not Elaine and Evelyn’s dad) had been released from prison and was also fighting for custody. Because of the mom’s prior convictions, there was a good chance the judge wouldn’t decide in her favor, so the dad had decided to divorce her in order to improve his chances.

When there’s a fight for what’s right, a fight to protect children, I can be strong and stubborn. As a result, we did not make life easy for many social workers and attorneys. But life wasn’t easy for us, either. We were on an emotional roller coaster. One thing I can share with wholehearted confidence is that we were never alone. God was always there in our midst. We prayed we would find favor in the courts and with all the workers. And that God would change the parents’ hearts—and ours. Our sweet God did just that … just not right away.

bittersweet

We were about four years into the reunification or adoption process with the girls when we got a call from Elaine and Evelyn’s dad. He told us he realized the girls were very attached to us and he didn’t want to split up the girls by taking Evelyn and Elaine away from Rose. Also, by then, the girls had lived with us longer than they had with him. He was going to sign the papers and relinquish his rights so we could adopt them.

It was a bittersweet moment for us. I know this was a hard decision for him. Unlike their mom, he was putting the girls’ needs before his. I felt a great sense of compassion for him. We’d had enough contact with him that I knew I loved this man and that he would always be a part of our lives. We told him he was welcome in our home, and he still comes for a visit when he can. The girls now enjoy his company and look forward to the visits. Only God could have changed all of our hearts. God changed this man’s heart to relinquish the girls, and ours to accept him as part of our lives.

Mom, however, didn’t give up. She continued to appeal the court’s decision. In the end, it was one of the longest and hardest cases that court had ever heard. From the time Elaine and Evelyn entered our home until they were adopted was an eternal span of four years. Mom received a restraining order—for eight years she was not supposed to be around children unsupervised and she was to have no contact with us.

forgiveness

Elaine had prayed with me to receive Christ about a year after she arrived, when she was upset about the jail visit. She had this pure and simple faith and just trusted and believed. Since then she had been praying a lot for their mom to let Rose be adopted. Not long before Elaine’s adoption was to become final, I went into her room and found her crying.

I sat on the bed next to her. “What’s wrong?”

She slowed her tears enough to say, “I’m going back to my mom.”

“Elaine, why would you say that? You’re going to be adopted soon!”

“I can’t let Rose go back to her. I have to go with her to protect her. My mother is awful.” A list of things her mom had done tumbled out of her mouth.

I was astounded. Knowing how much this girl despised and feared her mother, I couldn’t believe she would sacrifice what she obviously loved—this family and her own safety—for her sister.

She looked up at me, her eyes red. “Why isn’t God helping?”

“He is. We just can’t see it right now. You need to have faith.” I gently took her chin in my hand so I could tilt her face to look into my eyes. “God never said life would be fair.”

“I hate her.”

“I can understand.” Boy, I understood. I hated her too. I felt her abuse to the boy she had taken and to the girls was unforgivable. “You’ve suffered a lot, and you’ve seen your sisters suffer too. But your anger is putting you in bondage. You’ve got to forgive your mother. Until you forgive her, you won’t be free.”

The look on her face said she didn’t understand.

“Forgiving her will help you heal.”

“Okay, Mom. I’ll try.” She cried, and we prayed together. I encouraged her to also pray for God to change her mom’s heart.

When I walked out of the room, shame washed over me. Here I was asking Elaine to forgive her mother, but I hadn’t forgiven her. I was harboring my own hatred for her. As a matter of fact, I hated most of the parents of our kids, refusing to forgive them. I went to my closet and asked God to forgive me for my hatred and to soften my calloused heart. He reminded me that these were lost and broken people, just as I was.

Jesus was beaten, tortured, and spit on, and then he suffered a horrific death to pay for the sins of the world. Who do I think I am that I can choose who deserves my forgiveness? Shame on me!

I have often pondered the time when Jesus washed the disciples’ feet. He knew Judas was his enemy and was going to betray him in a few hours, yet he included him in his humble act of love and service. This is the example I decided to follow.

I went back to Elaine and said, “Elaine, I have to tell you that I haven’t forgiven your mom either. I asked God to forgive me for my attitude and to help me forgive her.”

Instead of me teaching Elaine about forgiveness, God used Elaine to teach me.

chapter 20

adoption

National Adoption Day, November 2008

The happy day finally came. The judge had ruled in our favor! Elaine and Evelyn were going to be ours. We were like the Israelites when God parted the Red Sea, and we danced and rejoiced over what God had done.

The girls’ mom had gotten out of jail and had been transferred to a rehabilitation center, still hoping to get Rose. Elaine was still very concerned about this and would go into her room and pray about the situation. She struggled to forgive her mom and didn’t want her near Rose.

The day came not long after when Rose was also relinquished to us. It was like a ton of weight was taken off our shoulders. As I reflect on those difficult times, I praise God, realizing he gave us the grace when we needed it. Our God protected us, gave us wisdom when we asked for it, and never left us alone. Yet, in the midst of all our excitement, an inexplicable weight settled on my heart. How could I really rejoice in the separation of a mother and her daughters? I knew that while we were rejoicing, the mom was mourning the loss of her three girls. When I was in the thick of the battle, my automatic reflex was to fight. Did I really win?

Not long before the adoption was to be finalized, we were asked whether we wanted an open adoption or a closed one. Would it be okay for the mom to visit the girls? We didn’t even think twice—we wanted it closed. She was really upset with our decision.
You know what?
I thought.
That’s what you get for being so mean and wicked.

Whammo!
God laid immediate conviction on me, and a verse popped into my head: “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you” (Matt. 5:44
NIV
). I had to confess my sin and ask God what he wanted me to do. The answer? Give her my email address and maybe send pictures once in a while.

Elaine flipped. She didn’t want her mother to have any information about her—especially pictures. She feared her mom would find her and take her away. She had a recurring nightmare that she and I were walking, when suddenly her mom came up behind us and pulled out the knife she always carried. Then I disappeared, and Elaine knew I was dead.

I had to be careful and respect my daughter’s feelings. So for a while I didn’t give her mother any information about Elaine. When she asked, I told her why, and it made her very upset. Trying not to sound mean, I wrote, “That’s between you and Elaine. I’ve made a promise to her. She’s the one I need to be loyal to, not you.”

One morning we got a call from our adoptions worker. He asked us if we would consider waiting to finalize our adoption of the girls until National Adoption Day. They wanted us to be the featured family. We agreed since it required us to wait only one more week for the adoptions to be final.

We had no idea how much media would be there, nor that they were going to do a televised interview with the two older girls. I felt uneasy about it, but Domingo thought we needed to share what a blessing adoption was and encourage those who would listen to consider it. What we didn’t know was that CBS shared the story with other stations so it wasn’t only local; it was also broadcast on their Sacramento news program. The girls shared that they were happy and loved and that they had lots of brothers and sisters.

Even though by now I was in contact with their mother via email, we had never told her the exact date of their adoptions being finalized.

When we got home (after our celebratory stop at Denny’s), I checked my email and saw a message from the mom. “I was at my aunt’s house and the TV was on. I saw my kids being adopted and it was so hard.”

It felt strange to console this woman I struggled to forgive. “You know, I’m really sorry that you had to see that,” I wrote. The moment I’d typed the words, I realized I was beginning to love my enemy. I felt sorry for this woman. She hadn’t seen her girls in four years, and then to see them on TV, becoming part of someone else’s family …

Her emails were usually pleasant, and I shared that we loved her girls and that we would always care for them. And surprisingly, I started enjoying the emails from her. She would share photos and stories about the girls when they were little.

Yes, it was her fault the girls were taken away, but I needed to encourage her. Can you imagine? Here I was, trying to comfort a mother who had lost her children to me. Only God could have put me in that unique situation. I shared Christ and told her I was sorry for her pain.

Soon she’d had one baby and had another one on the way. After the birth of the second child, I met with her and her husband at a coffeehouse. I was very nervous, but Domingo and I felt that this was what God wanted me to do. I needed to do everything in my power to make peace with this woman. I saw her two babies, and she even put one in my arms. I felt like this was some sort of peacemaking ritual for her, and it touched me.

We still exchange emails, but not as often as we did in the beginning. In her emails now, she thanks me for loving and caring for her girls. I believe she is trying hard, and I’m proud of her and the changes she and her husband have made. If you would have told me back in the middle of the battle that I would learn to love this woman, I would have told you that you were nuts. You see, God answered the prayers I prayed—that he would change the parents’ hearts … and ours.

As I sit here, I can hear the sound of angels singing. My angels. Nearly every night while they clean up the kitchen, they sing. “Pie Jesu,” “Concrete Angel,” and “To Believe.” Tiny Rose wowed the church last Christmas with her solo of “Mary, Did You Know?,” bringing tears to the eyes of many in the audience. Hearing their amazing voices fills my heart with joy and thankfulness to God, who took three wildcats and turned them into delightful and precious girls.

Mac’s and Ruth’s adoptions

Mac
loved
Domingo. He idolized him, following him everywhere, watching everything he did, calling him Daddy. It was the only intelligible word he said. He loved tools like Domingo did and quickly learned the names for all of them.

Mac didn’t want to be anywhere except by Domingo’s side. He hated going to school, kicking and screaming when the bus came to pick him up for his special-ed program. Because he was a foster child, he had to go. He was miserable at school and mean to the other kids. The good news for the teachers was that, because he was so food motivated, it was easy to give him snacks for good behavior. But the reality was he just wanted to be with Domingo.

Ruth, on the other hand, did well in school and loved being there. She and Samantha were in the same classroom. One afternoon Samantha came home and informed me that someone was stealing food from the lunches in the classroom. I immediately suspected Ruth and questioned her. She was such a good liar that I believed her when she said she hadn’t touched anyone else’s food, and I stood up for her.

A few weeks later, I was cleaning her room and found all kinds of food wrappers in her backpack. Not just a handful, but at least thirty of them! Even though I caught her red-handed, it took hours of questioning before she finally confessed.

I was so embarrassed to go to her teacher and tell her that my daughter was the lunch bandito. It wasn’t easy to humble myself like that.

So although Ruth was doing better, we still didn’t know if she was a child we could handle. Visits with their birth mom brought out all kinds of anxiety and issues in both of the kids. Mac didn’t want to go on the visits in the first place, throwing tantrums that his mom didn’t know how to handle. Ruth demanded all the attention, causing a power struggle between her and Mac. Afterward, Ruth acted out, causing even more chaos at home.

After two years in our home, the day came for the mom to appear in court. The social worker told me she (the social worker) was going to ask the judge to put the kids into adoptions. Would we consider adopting them if she did that?

Oh, I was really uncertain about these kids. We loved Mac, but we knew we would lose him if Ruth left. I knew God had brought this girl to us, but I was very hesitant about committing to adoption. I’d never felt this way with the other kids. I had always been willing to help any child, but this one scared me.

In court, the social worker recommended the kids be placed in adoptive placement. No judgment was made at that time since the mom would appeal the decision at a later date. However, the kids were still going to be put into the foster-adopt program. This meant Domingo and I had to decide what we were going to do. If we weren’t going to adopt these two, they needed to go to a home that would.

Lord, what do you want us to do?

Because of the difficulty that Ruth brought and the fact that Mac would need special care for the rest of his life, I needed to be absolutely sure that adopting these kids was the right decision. Also, after four years of court with the girls and many false allegations against us by workers and parents, I was exhausted, running on empty.

That night Domingo and I decided to fast and pray for God to give us a specific answer, to make it very clear about whether we should adopt these kids. My prayers were that if God wanted us to adopt them, we wouldn’t have to endure another long, drawn-out court battle—that it would happen quickly and it would be clear that their mom should not have them.

The next morning the kids’ social worker called. “Irene,” she said, “you are not going to believe what just happened.”

The birth mom had just been in her office to tell her she was not going to fight for the kids in court. She wanted to sign the kids over to us because she felt she couldn’t care for them and would likely harm them again. They wouldn’t be safe with her, and she knew it.

Well, I about dropped the phone. When I prayed, I really didn’t expect such a quick and clear answer. Why do I keep doubting God? You’d think I’d get it by now. God has our back. God cares about us and these kids.

After the very specific answer to our very specific prayers, we knew that whatever struggles and issues we would have with Ruth, we could never look back and say, “Why did we adopt her?” Instead, I will say, “Lord, show me what we should do.” No matter what trials would come, we would be able to endure them with confidence, knowing that God assigned these children to our family and that any trials will be used by God to perfect us and to draw us closer to him. He will never give us a task we cannot accomplish through his mighty power. We know for certain God will give us the ability to care for these kids.

It has been two years since we adopted these kids, and they have grown by leaps and bounds. We pulled Mac out of school because he continued to scream in terror every time the bus came to pick him up. We felt it was detrimental to him. He needed to bond with us and know I was his mom. For six months I tried to teach him the basics—ABC and 123. He simply wasn’t able to learn. I was so discouraged that I almost put him back in school. I prayed and prayed for our little boy, and God intervened. Now he is learning. In 2012 he started talking. As of the writing of this book, he knows all his alphabet and can count to thirty on his own. He has read his first book too. And talk? Oh my. Sometimes you can’t stop the flow of all his words—he even talks to guests without hesitation.

Ruth has had many struggles, but she loves her family and tries really hard to do the right thing. She and her brother still struggle with food issues, but she knows she needs to change. She has the gift of serving, and we praise her all the time for that, telling her it pleases God when she serves. She glows when Domingo kisses her. I can’t imagine our lives without this girl. I have fallen madly in love with Ruth. Once again, through the power of God.

Once the kids were adopted, we realized all of them would do better in a situation where each of their special needs could be taken into consideration. We also believed that it was our responsibility to train and educate them ourselves. So we built a schoolroom and decided to homeschool all the kids. I admit this is the hardest thing Domingo and I have ever done. We don’t feel qualified, but we have committed to give it our all and to do it to the glory of God.