Revoltingly Young (13 page)

Uma helped Toby pick out a birthday card for my brother, who will soon be 30. We got some nasty looks in the drugstore as Winnemuccans appear not to approve of mixed-race couples. Such scorn only made Toby even more affectionate toward the pretty white girl. I hope he doesn’t wind up getting lynched. While checking out the cards, Uma casually asked if I knew some girl named Awanee. Tyler must have blabbed to Stoney, who then e-mailed Uma. It’s enough to make a guy paranoid. I was stammering out a vigorous denial, but Uma assured me the matter was of no consequence. No, she didn’t sound pissed either. She says she’s interested in psychology (her intended future major in college) and from all of her reading has developed a keen empathy for the sexual needs of teenage boys. That may explain why she didn’t run screaming from the pool last night when my you-know-what brushed against her. Perhaps her “empathy” will extend to submitting soon to my indomitable lusts. I must work up the nerve to inquire if she is a virgin.

10:12 p.m. Buying new tires and tubes for my bike wiped out most of my last paycheck. This is a feud I cannot afford. I have called off Jamal (formerly Carlyle) and e-mailed Stoney, apologizing for any misunderstandings between us and reinstating her membership in the Upts gang. I hope this gets that vindictive chick off my back. I suspect an endorphin imbalance in her brain. I need to find her a girlfriend and/or boyfriend as soon as possible to channel all that surplus energy into something positive like getting laid. That girl needs it bad. (Don’t we all?)

WEDNESDAY, July 27 – Veeva called this morning to report that she had talked to her granny in Arizona. More confirmation of my father’s near miss at great wealth. First, Veeva’s grandmother demanded to know if Connie (Veeva’s mom) had blabbed about the George Twisp affair, then she indignantly denied all. Very depressing. I’m sure if my dad had married Veeva’s granny, at least a few of those bucks would have trickled down to me. No way my mother’s lawyers would have let him squirm out of his lawful child-support obligations. DNA tests would have been performed and my father’s fat wallet nailed to the courthouse door. I could be dressing better now and listening to the Pickled Punks in full Dolby® surround-sound stereo.

Somehow Veeva suspected there’d been a change in my love life.

“
You seem a little distant, Noel,” she complained.

“
I’m 700 miles away, Veeva. I might as well be living on Mars.”

“
Why don’t you tell me you love me any more?”

“
Because I know you only have eyes for Tyler.”

“
Are any of Tyler’s girlfriends, you know, really pretty?”

“
Only the A-list girls. They’re all knockouts. The rest are just better than average.”

“
I think you’re saying that just to torment me.”

“
Of course, they’re not rich like you are, but I don’t think that matters much to Tyler.”

“
Does it matter to you?”

It did, but I denied it.

“
Are you seeing anyone there in Wapakoneta?”

“
It’s Winnemucca. I have some female friends.”

“
Anyone special?”

“
Not really.”

“
I can tell you’re lying, Noel. There is someone. It’s that girl you were telling me about before. Have you slept with her?”

“
Not yet.”

“
I’m very happy for you, Noel.”

“
You don’t sound very happy, Veeva.”

“
Our lives are destined to intertwine in many ways, Noel. It’s true with Nick and Sheeni, and it’s true with us. It’s a fate I know we cannot escape.”

“
What makes you so sure?”

“
I just know it, Noel. Like I know Tyler will break my heart. Talk to you soon.”

“’
Bye, Veeva. I love you.”

“
I love you too.”

5:15 p.m. Momentous news. Sweaty, sign-draped Toby encountered Uma outside the casino, and she’s agreed to drop by tonight. This may be Bingo Night for more than just my grandmother. I’ve been vacuuming and straightening up like a madman. Fifteen years of clutter is a lot to cope with. Call me a cockeyed optimist, but I also installed fresh sheets on my little bed.

11:27 p.m. Grandma was feeling somewhat tired, but I reminded her how much she loved bingo and waved a relieved good-bye as she drove off in her huffing old Honda. Uma was supposed to arrive at 7:30. By 7:45 I was a nervous wreck, but shortly thereafter she rolled up on a very deluxe mountain bike. She dismounted and we kissed under the patio awning. I invited her in for a Coke.

“
Where’s your grandmother?” she asked, removing her bike helmet and shaking out her lovely hair.

“
She’s away at Bingo Night.”

“
Oh, I see.”

I handed her a frosty glass and smiled seductively. We clicked glasses and sipped our drinks. Uma sat on the sofa and looked around.

“
This place is neat as a pin,” she commented, I hope approvingly.

“
We try, Uma. Of course, on your first visit I’d been away for a few days. Grandma isn’t much of a housekeeper left on her own. Still, I realize it’s a precipitous decline from your exalted home environment.”

“
I don’t know. I like it. I like the nice varnished wood on the walls. What is it–birch?”

“
Hell if I know.”

We put down our drinks and indulged in a long and passionate kiss. Very inflaming to the senses. After a prolonged interval, we paused.

“
Uma, darling, would you like to retire to my bedroom?”

“
I don’t know, Noel. I think we should discuss the situation.”

I was in no condition for human speech, but managed to inquire what she had in mind.

“
Well, we could discuss our respective virginities.”

“
Oh, right.”

“
Now, I’ve always heard that for a girl’s first time she should do it with an older guy. You know, someone who’s had some experience and knows what he’s doing.”

“
Well, there’s something to be said for that, I suppose,” I grudgingly conceded.

“
I mean two virgins going at it is the worst possible scenario, Noel. We could fail miserably and both be traumatized for life.”

“
Well, I’m willing to risk it, Uma.”

“
The other thing is what having sex does to a relationship.”

“
It elevates it to a much higher plane, darling.”

“
Not from what I’ve seen. It just causes lots of jealousy, hard feelings, and possessiveness.”

Crushing disappointment, though Uma helped me cope by placing my hand on her breast. Infinitely more pleasurable than touching Awanee’s. Don’t ask me why.

“
Do you like old movies, Noel?”

“
Sure I guess so.”

I liked the way her nipple stiffened when I caressed it through her shirt.

“
Movies have become the myths of our culture. You see these great old movies, but everyone up there on the screen is dead now. The actors are like talking and moving two-dimensional ghosts. Kind of a celluloid window into another time. Did you ever see the film ‘Hud’?”

“
Uh, I don’t think so.”

“
Melvin Douglas is in it. He plays this old broken-down rancher. Very decrepit. But slip in another DVD, and now you can see him in ‘Ninotchka,’ when he was young and handsome and debonair, and charming his way into Greta Garbo’s heart.”

“
I didn’t see that one either.”

I slipped my hand under her shirt. Much nicer that way. Why do breasts feel so divinely entrancing?

“
I saw ‘Hud’ last year–with my aunt Rosa. We liked it a lot. Of course, she went for Paul Newman, but do you know who I liked in that movie?”

“
The old guy, uh, Melvin Douglas?”

“
No. I liked the young kid: Brandon De Wilde.”

“
Oh.” It was all beginning to make sense to me now.

“
You know, Noel, you could be Brandon De Wilde’s younger brother. The resemblance is striking.”

“
Yeah, I’ve heard that before. Is that why you like me?”

“
Who’s to say, Noel? I like your warm hand on my breast. I like that hard part of you pressing into my thigh. I like your laugh. I like your version of Toby. Much more imaginative than Rot’s. I like your sneakiness in trying to get me alone out here. I like your kisses.”

I liked hers too. We lay entwined on the sofa and kissed for two straight hours by the clock. It was by far the greatest two hours of my entire life.

THURSDAY, July 28 – A dry night and no thumb-sucking either. If my lips hadn’t received their quota of oral gratification last night, there’d be no hope for them. I’ve been thinking it over. Sure, it could be hazardous for two virgins to have sex. But how healthy in the long run is all that frustrating celibacy? Damn, I should never have been so reserved in L.A. Had I been practicing like mad with Awanee, I’d be totally up to speed now for Uma.

Stoney called early, and I met her for breakfast at the pancake place on Main Street. We apologized mutually for the ugliness of the past weeks. It was good to get that behind us, though I still feel some resentment toward her. She was appalled to hear of my romantic progress with Uma. I don’t know why Stoney is so dead set against her. I assured Stoney it was very healing to the psyche to lay hands on the warm body of a loved one.

“
I know that,” she replied. “Don’t forget, I got pretty far along with Tyler.”

“
Sure, that’s all well and good, Stoney, but you’ve got to hook up with someone local. People need this sort of thing more than once a year.”

“
I hate this town and everyone in it.”

“
You don’t hate Scott Chandler.”

“
No, I suppose not. He’s coming back from sailing camp next Thursday.”

Damn, only a week in which to convince Uma to marry me. A daunting task.

“
Stoney, you’ve got to forget all this looking-butch business. Face it: you’re not a dyke.”

“
How can you be so sure?”

“
Because there are plenty of attractive girls in town, and you’ve never once had the hots for any of them.”

“
That’s true.”

“
So you’ve got to start dolling yourself up and making a play for Scott. You’re the prettiest girl in town with a fabulous body, so just get used to it.”

“
You sound like my mother, Noel.”

“
Well, once in a while even mothers know what they’re talking about.”

“
Not my mom. She’s a total fake and phony.”

Long-suffering Mrs. Holt always seemed perfectly nice to me, but I wasn’t going to open that can of worms.

“
OK, forget your mother. Just do this for yourself.”

“
But if I do that, my mother will have won. The bitch will be so smug.”

“
Cut the cord, Stoney. Jesus, don’t ruin your life just to get back at your mother. Shit, just ignore her. That’s what I do with my mother.”

“
Yeah, well it’s easier for you. Your mother’s in another fucking state. All my mom has to do is look at me, and I want to murder her.”

“
What about your father?”

“
You mean my stepdad? Every time I come out of my room, that creep undresses me with his eyes.”

No wonder Stoney was a mess. Her home life sounded even unhealthier than mine. I tried to reassure her.

“
All guys do that, Stoney. The incest taboo is very weak in males. You shouldn’t take it personally. What you’ve got to do is divorce your parents. Even though you have to live with them for a few more years, now is the time to separate emotionally from them. Be your own person.”

“
Yeah, that’s right. What the fuck do I care what those assholes think?”

“
Right. And maybe consider cleaning up your language. Guys don’t find chicks who swear all that attractive.”

“
Not feminine, huh?”

“
Not very.”

“
Shit, I guess I should have played more with Barbie when I was a kid and less with my battery-powered Harley.”

So it
was
Mrs. Holt’s fault. There’s a good lesson for parents: inappropriate toy choices can come back to haunt you later.

4:12 p.m. Mr. Dugan added a new leg to Toby’s circuit today (at no increase in pay). I now have to take a detour through the main floor and gift shop of the Buckaroo Hall of Fame, one of our local cowboy-theme tourist attractions. He’s made some kind of arrangement with the management there. On one of my walks this afternoon Toby had to fire a warning spritz of dog repellent at Biggie Smalls, a cute but hostile Boston Terrier mix. Its owner came roaring out and screamed at me. She ranted that she would
never ever
employ the services of the Dixie Belle Wedding Chapel. Toby held his tongue and did not point out that as she was ugly, old, and overweight that was not likely to happen anyway. I did pull down a sock to flash my still-draining dog bite.

Later Toby detoured through the Silver Sluice and had a nice chat with Uma. She invited me over for dinner tonight. Fat Marvin Tuelco burned like fire when Toby kissed her, but he is under strict orders not to mess with the boss’s daughter or her friends. Yes, complaints had been made.