Revenge of the Cootie Girls (30 page)

“A little technology,” Jack repeated. “And didn't we discuss how many names men have for masturbation, while women have none?”

Christ, I must have been really drunk that night. I didn't remember discussing masturbation with the Great Man.

“Possibly,” I said.

“What were some of the names men had for it? I've got spanking the monkey, polishing the pipe, stretching the leather, and there was something about Bubba.”

“Shucking Bubba,” I provided.

“Shucking Bubba. Haw haw.”

“What does this have to do with feminism?”

“You'll see, when I give my speech,” he said.

He hung up without saying good-bye, as usual, and I turned my attention back to the administrative crap I had to look after before I went to my first interview of the day. While doing an isometric butt-tightening exercise, I speed-wrote memos to maintenance and accounting; then I gulped down my coffee and ran to meet the crew for the first of our Man of the Future interviews.

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ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Once again, I couldn't have finished a book without the help and support of a lot of people.

To the following people, please bend over, I'm puckering up:

All the people I thanked in my second book,
Nice Girls Finish Last
; plus

My immediate family, who allow me to twist their truths into unrecognizable fictions and outright lies to serve my plots; my funny uncles, especially my Uncles Ron, Bob, and Don, who taught me that you catch more flies with bullshit (and you catch very nice women too, judging by Aunts Pat, Jewel, and Myrna); my aunts, especially Patti Bacon Smith, aka Signed the Undersigned, who was more like a really great big sister who never ratted me out and who took me along on her undercover garden-gnome-switching operations; and my Great-Aunt and Godmother Jessie Octavia Franklin Hayter, a great dame, who gave up her cosseted Southern Belle existence to run away to the Canadian Arctic with my Great-Uncle Harry, a bush pilot, in the 1920s;

Bill Dorman, as always, you are very “greetiful,” sahib; Commander Claus; Alex Dunne; Scott Griffin; Tim Moran, Paul Mougey and Roger Heaton, Matthew Poe, Harris Salat, Bruce Gillette;

My editor, Caroline White; my agent, Russell Galen; my publicist, Debbie Yautz;

Kathy Blumenstock, Carol Buckland, Nile Cmylo, Suzanne Epstein, Jean Geiger, Kyra Hicks, Big Mama Liz Hicks, Wendy Jewell, Teresa Loftin, Martha Rodriguez, Susan Rose;

The gangs on the Prodigy Books (Mystery Books, Constant Reader, and Feminist Reader), Canada, and Black Experience BBs, DorothyL, and AOL MFTY;

George Bastable, who allows me to abuse his fine family name to get a cheap laugh, and the divine Ms. Camper;

Jack Palmer for locating and sending me a complete collection of Dana Girls mysteries;

Marigail Mathis for dressing me, Robin, and other characters, among her many contributions;

Jeff, Miriam, Lisa, and Jack at The Source in Albany;

Sleuth of Baker Street in Toronto; Booked for Murder in Madison, Wisconsin; Rue Morgue in Boulder, Colorado; Borders in Albany, New York; Partners and Crime in New York, New York (especially Maggie Griffin for sending me all the funny stuff)—Please support your independent booksellers;

Authors Jeff Abbott, John Ash, Harlan Coben, Rebecca Forster, Herbert Huncke, Jon Katz, Marlys Millhiser, Katherine Neville, Steve O'Donnell, Walter Satterthwait, Justin Scott, Arnold Weinstein;

Stanley Bard, David Bard, Jerry Weinstein, and the entire staff of the Hotel Chelsea, without whom I would have been homeless;

All the fine-looking gentlemen at the Aristocrat Deli;

The late William J. Sloane, the late Boo Radley; the late Miranda, and Demetrius.

Honor and the code of my tribe require that I now say this: Ray Fowler got me. He got me good. Ray Fowler is the practical joke king.

Temporarily.

Heh-heh-heh.

About the Author

Sparkle Hayter has been a journalist for CNN and other news organizations, a stringer in Afghanistan, a producer in Bollywood, a stand-up comic in New York, a caretaker for an elderly parent in Canada, and a novelist of seven books. And some other things that are kind of a blur now. Her articles have been published in numerous newspapers and magazines, including the
New York Times
, the
Nation
, and
New Woman
. She currently lives in Canada with her rescued Nepali street dog, Alice, and is working on a new book.

All rights reserved, including without limitation the right to reproduce this ebook or any portion thereof in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of the publisher.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, events, and incidents either are the product of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, businesses, companies, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

Copyright © 1997 by Sparkle Hayter

Cover design by Jesse Hayes

ISBN: 978-1-4976-7833-0

This edition published in 2014 by Open Road Integrated Media, Inc.

345 Hudson Street

New York, NY 10014

www.openroadmedia.com

THE ROBIN HUDSON MYSTERIES

FROM OPEN ROAD MEDIA

Available wherever ebooks are sold