Resurgence: Green Fields book 5 (49 page)

But there was something about the second vehicle that made me pause. It was smaller, more like a regular-sized car—and it was mint green. Who was stupid enough to drive around in a car with a color that could in no environment whatsoever work as camouflage? Not even the most ignorant trader would go for that. Madeline, knowing nothing about stealth, had gone for such a car…

And that was when it hit me. Nate knew me well enough to realize that my mind would make that connection—a connection that no one outside of our group would understand, and it was inconsequential enough that no one had ever mentioned it in any story. But my special dislike for the woman would always make me remember it. He also knew that I was about as blind as a mole, but even with watery vision that color stood out like a beacon. That still didn’t explain the Humvee, but it was enough to calm me down a little.
 

I could still bolt if the people coming in through the gate were not those I expected.

My pulse refused to decrease as I scrambled back down and rejoined the other women. I cautiously looked around, but there was no sign of Kat. The last thing I needed was for her to recognize Nate—again. Back then his hair had been dyed black, which had been enough to throw my hormone-crazed mind for a loop. Now it was blond again, and if he still hadn’t cut it, it would be about as long as his brother had always worn it. They didn’t look enough alike to be spitting images of each other, but still. And if Sam and Kat were here, there was no accounting who else might be. I’d only paid attention to anyone I’d perceived as a direct danger to myself, not tried to find more familiar faces.

Shit. I hadn’t thought this through. I should have insisted to meet them right at the gate. But as I looked around now with the entire village gathering in the middle of the houses and the guards getting ready to do their thing, I realized that it was too late for that. Why had I been so stupid? An exchange at the gate would have made so much more sense… but only for someone who wasn’t pissing their pants at the aspect of being out there, without the perceived security of the walls. No trader would have staged a reunion out there if people could come inside. I would have blown my cover the second I’d brought that possibility up.

It was about time that I got out of this damn village. I really wasn’t made for all that lying and keeping my stories straight thing.

Sam looked concerned as I rejoined her, but I did my best to smile at her reassuringly. “It’s them, I think.”

“Them?” she asked. “Oh, you mean the people who picked your husband up?”

Was that real suspicion in her voice, or just me projecting it there? I gave her a shrug, which helped even out her features. “Sure, who else would it be?” I offered, my voice just a little shaky. She nodded, but the tension remained in her shoulders. It took me a few moments to realize that it didn’t stem from her thinking I was lying, but plain old separation anxiety. My first impulse was to hug her, but there were enough guards around that I refrained from it. The last thing I needed was to make life harder for her. Then again, even old friends would hug before they parted—

I really, really needed to get back to where I wasn’t jumping at shadows anymore.

The settlement was small enough that as the gate opened to let in four figures on foot, I could identify them. All of them. My shoulders slumped with relief as I realized that it was Nate, Burns, Andrej, and Martinez, the latter three in tan-colored uniforms, and Nate wearing some kind of… was that a poncho? With the hat and sunglasses he looked as if he’d tried to mash the most iconic characters that Clint Eastwood had mimed all into one ridiculous appearance. I almost muttered the “what the fuck?” my mind was screaming out loud, but cut down on it. As far as camouflage went, it was effective. No one looking at him would think “most-wanted scavenger” at first glance. And judging from the uniforms the other three were wearing, the Humvee suddenly made sense. They must have “picked” all that up together.

I was so relieved to see them that it took my mind an awfully long time to actually assess the situation. It was so easy to dismiss the lineup for coincidence—or if not that, the result of those volunteering who I spent the most time with. Those who were like brothers to me, not just part of our unit. But I knew Nate well enough to rest assured that strategic value always trumped emotional attachment. That lineup wasn’t built on who would want to make sure first that I was safe. Those were three of our heavy hitters, each and every one of them strong enough to just up and carry me and still make it out of here, and our medic—because Nate was likely convinced that I’d need him.

Fuck.

Slowly letting my breath out, I looked around me, trying to get a good sense for where everyone was—and who of them could quickly become a danger to me. The count was low enough, and my heart sank when my focus turned to Sam next to me. Swallowing thickly, I tried to decide what to do. She was a liability, no sense debating that. From what she’d told me she hadn’t spent a single day out there where she had to take care of herself. There’d always been someone to guard her, to help, or make sure that the road was free. She likely didn’t even know what life was like for most people in the other settlements where everyone worked hard from sunup to sundown to provide for the village, and make sure there was enough surplus to last everyone through the winter. She would be the ultimate weak link that anyone that attacked us would go for, and any injuries or deaths resulting from that would be squarely on me. If I took her with me, there was a high chance that disaster would strike. But I couldn’t just leave her here.

Leaning closer, I pitched my voice low to make sure that not even the women standing close to us would be able to make out my words. “Sam, you need to come with me. Please.”

She jerked as if she’d been so focused on glaring at the arriving party that she’d forgotten all about me. Her eyebrows hiked up as my words registered. “But—“

“It’s not safe here,” I explained, forcing myself to slow down so she’d actually understand what I was hissing at her. “I thought it was just my paranoia and a reflection of what happened out there, but they don’t even know that yet, and they’ve planned for a worst case scenario. Please, just come with me. You don’t have to stay with us. I understand if you don’t. But you need to leave, and you need to do it now. We can drop you off wherever you like. I know you people have a really skewed view of Dispatch, but it’s not that bad over there. Or you can join the people in Wyoming, they’re good folks. Or the enclave in Utah, we have friends who are from there. Or Harristown. They kicked out that asshole John, I’m sure they would welcome you with open arms. Just, anywhere but here. Please!”

I expected a vehement denial, but what I saw on her face was mostly confusion. “What are you talking about?” she asked. A small frown appeared between her brows. “How would you even accomplish that? You’re just traders, and excuse me if I say so, but you got ambushed and lost out there.”

Hard pressed not to snarl at her, I forced myself to keep my temper in check. “We’re not.”

“You’re not what?” she asked, but her voice already took on a hint of sharpness that made it obvious that she had understood.

Sparing a glance in Nate’s direction, I estimated that I had maybe another two minutes until the guards were done frisking him and shooting whatever shit they had to shoot with the pretend soldiers. They’d all given up their rifles but had been allowed to keep their sidearms and knives, just underlining how little the guards knew about proper procedures. Turning back to Sam, I gave her a look that I hoped was just condescending enough to make her angry, but not too angry to listen to me.

“Traders. Shit, you saw the state I was in. No trader that I’ve ever met could get through what I had to pull off, and that was just the twenty hours before I got here. I’m not even talking about the week I had before that. Where did you think the bruises on my body came from? You don’t get deep tissue trauma from hitting your arm on a doorjamb. I’m sorry that I lied to you, but I had to. They would have likely killed me on sight if they’d realized who I am, or worse yet, not done it properly. Just… I can’t explain it all to you. Trust me. Come with me. I don’t have the time or resources to help everyone, but I can help you. But you need to let me, right now.”

From the very moment that I confirmed that I had been lying to her, I could see that I was losing her, but I just had to try. Her eyes went wide when she realized just how blind she’d been, and she started shaking her head by the time I tried to persuade her again. I knew then that it was useless. That I was fighting a battle that I’d already lost—likely years ago.
 

“I don’t believe… how could you?” she said, way too loud, making several of the women perk up. Over Sam’s shoulder I met Mary’s gaze, and I knew that moment that I was busted. I expected her to start shouting for someone to take me down—knowing who I was was one thing, but inciting rebellion quite another—but she just held my gaze, a hard twist coming to her mouth. Was that disapproval on her face?

I tried to ignore her and turned back to Sam. “Please. Yes, I lied to you. I’m sorry. You can spend the next days berating me. If you want me to, I can try to explain. Later. Just, for once in your life, don’t be such a cunt and do the smart thing and cut this passive-aggressive crap.” Not the wisest thing to say, but maybe this way I would get through to her.

Rage made her eyes widen, but rather than continue to argue with me, her head snapped to the side and she glared across the village square at Nate. He’d ditched that abominable hat and the sunglasses, carrying them both in his hand, his shaggy hair making him look even more like Raleigh than usual. I couldn’t help but look around me, waiting for the other shoe to drop and for Kat to come out running, screaming bloody murder at him.

“That’s your husband?” Sam said, her voice oddly toneless. Doubt and worry replaced the anger on her features, and when she turned back to me it was she who was pleading with me. “Listen, I don’t know what he told you, but he’s not the guy you think he is!”

Irritation raced up my spine when I realized that she must have recognized him, but it was nothing more than one more rehash of a story that had long since lost anything that could still hurt me.

“I know exactly who he is—“

“No, you don’t!” Sam protested. “I saw him, several times. At my therapist’s office.”

The very notion that he had been seeing a therapist was laughable, but I had a much better idea why he’d been there—to “accidentally” bump into my girlfriend and somehow weasel some details about me out of her that he could then use against me. Or at the very least to get under my skin quicker. He’d likely broken into the therapist’s files and had had quite some fun reading through pages of Sam complaining that I’d been dismissive of her feelings and that a whole slew of things that I repressed had been the foundation of all our issues, likely translating into a simple “needs to get laid” to him. Come to think of it, next time I felt like getting in his face that might make for some great ammunition. But none of that mattered now.

“There’s a very simple explanation for this—“ I tried to offer, but Sam shook her head vehemently.

“Not as a patient, I think. He never checked in with her assistant, and he always showed up after all other patients had left.”

A detail Nate had mentioned along the way swam up from the deep recesses of my memory. Or maybe Raleigh had mentioned it in his semi-coherent ramblings, hours before he’d died. He'd said that their mother was a psychologist.

Or rather, had been, as my guess was.

That made me remember another detail. That morning, after we’d escaped the collapsed building, when I’d wanted to turn back and try to get to Sam, Nate had convinced me that even if she was still alive, there was nothing I could do for her now. With stark clarity I realized that he hadn’t just told me that because I was about to leave a loved one behind. He’d very likely been in the exact same position. And he’d never once mentioned it to me, not on the many, many occasions when I’d complained about all that I’d lost, all the sacrifices I'd had to make along the way, ignorant—as usual—to anyone else’s plight.

For the first time in our time together, my heart hurt for him.

“It doesn’t matter,” I murmured, forcing my mind to jump back to the here and now.

“But it does!” Sam argued. “How can you trust a man who keeps so many secrets from you? And don’t dare to deny it. Whatever you just thought about, your misery is written plainly on your face. Just stay here. With me. I know that you are convinced that things are not ideal, but what did shacking up with him get you into? You’re barely more than skin and bones. You are hunted by people. So much happened to you that you won’t tell me, but I can see the horror in your eyes. It’s not just when you have nightmares—“

She continued rambling on like that, but I stopped listening to her. We were right back to where things had gone awry between us. She only saw what she wanted in me—a victim. A helpless, hurt little bird that she could nurse back to health. She had acted just like that when my career had flown off the rails when I’d had that massive freakout down in the BSL-4 lab that had almost ended with my hallucination-induced suicide. I hadn’t wanted to see it back then, but I’d always known that she’d thrown herself into the role of my protector and nurse, outwardly consoling me but really doing her best to keep me down.

As much as I’d sometimes felt like railing against Nate’s tough love approach to all my many shortcomings, I knew that he would never put me down. Everything he’d ever demanded of me had been rooted in his conviction that I could reach that goal, that I could put that obstacle on the road behind me and grow in the process. He not only saw me—he saw the best possible version of me, and would always do his very best to shove me down the road that would lead to me becoming her.