Remembering Phoenix (31 page)

I know you won’t remember this day, but I will. And I’ll remember just how carefree and happy you were as sparks flew in the July sky.

Happy 4
^th
my Phoenix.

Love always, Mommy.

Beeping.

I can hear the constant beeping of a monitor, or something. I try to open my eyes, but everything is black, dark, and lonely.

Am I alive, or am I dead?

Where am I?

I hear voices. Faint, distant voices echoing in my head.

I can’t make out who or what. I can’t make out anything but the mumbled sounds.

I try to speak, but I can’t. Something is blocking my airway. Fire burns down my throat, and I swear I’ve been down this same road before.

I try to cough. My throat scratches against something rough.

Is Phoenix here? “Phoenix!” I try to yell, but nothing comes out of my mouth except a gargled sound.

I try so hard to open my eyes, but something stops me. Pain? My throat burns with fire as something is pulled out of it. Am I pulling it out?

What is this thing? I cough some more, but the thing in my throat is gone.

I try to speak again.

I can’t.

And then I hear it. That voice. That voice that’s been the only calm in my ever-present storm.

I’m not dead. I’m alive. Or either I’m dreaming.

Why would he be here? After what I did?

“Charlie,” he whispers. I can feel the heat of his breath sweep across my face, and it’s enough to make me expend all of my energy to open my eyes. That face. Those gray eyes are right there, inches from me. I can feel it. All I have to do is…

“Open your eyes for me. Look at me. Come back to me, Charlie. I’ve got you.”

And that is the last thread of strength I need to crack open my eyes.

Tears brim his eyes as he stares down at me. His hair is wild and unruly. His face is days, weeks, past needing a shave. His eyes, those stone gray eyes, are dark like the clouds rolling in before a storm.

My tears start to mirror his own. I have no clue how long I’ve been out. I have no clue who else is in this room. All I see his him. And all I know is, I just crushed his world, along with everyone else’s who stuck around to love me. Tears continue to spill over my lashes as I see the pain and agony washed over his face. Pain I caused because I couldn’t handle my own. What did I do?

“Hey.” His voice is soft. He bends down, brushing his warm lips over mine. His warmth spreads over my body, and the enormity of what I have done covers me. “I’m here. Your family will be here in a moment. Hang tight, baby. I’m going to help you.” Slayter’s lips graze my ear as he whispers, “I’m going to help you remember. Just please, please hold on until then. I won’t let you leave me. I’ve got you.”

The moment the hushed words fall out of his mouth, my parents, Lizzie, and Stetson walk in. The nurse stands to the side, watching me protectively.

Their pain, back then and now, is all because of me.

But why am I here? Why am I not with Phoenix?

Phoenix,
I try saying. It’s no use. Everything starts becoming too much. Being here. Not being there. Life. Death. Pain. Sadness. Guilt.

I want Phoenix…

My heart rate starts beating rapidly, slamming against my chest cavity. Everyone’s soft voices become blurred, along with my vision. It’s hard to breathe. I struggle to speak. But I can’t. My head pounds with each erratic beat of my heart.

The nurse rushes to my side. More doctors and nurses rush to all sides of the bed. “We’re going to have to sedate her and put her back on the ventilator again.”

I see Slayter’s face go pale from behind the busied medical team. He tries saying something, but I can’t make out anything he says.

Everything tunnels in.

And darkness consumes me…

“Mommy! Mommy!” Phoenix yells. “Can you come play with me?”

I smile. My God he is beautiful. “You bet, little man.”

He giggles. “I bet you can’t catch me.” Placing his hands on each side of his head, he sticks his tongue out, taunting me.

“Oh, really?” I ask. “You better get to running! I’m going to get you.”

His big eyes go wide, and he starts to run towards the swing set and slides.

I chase after him, not running full speed, so he thinks he’s super-fast.

Once he gets to the slide, he starts to climb up. He attempts to go as fast as his little legs will allow, but I catch up to him. I grab him at the waist, swinging him over my shoulder before bringing him to the ground. I tickle him on his ribs, under his arms, on his collar bone. He squeals, “Stop, Mommy. Please! I’m gonna pee pee on myself!”

I stop, scooping him up. I give him a big hug, breathing in his strawberry shampoo smell. “I love you, Phoenix Blake.”

Wrapping his little arms around my neck, he whispers, “I love you, Mommy. I miss you when I’m gone.”

With Phoenix still in my arms, I walk over to a nearby bench and sit down. I brush the wild curls out of his face. “What do you mean, you miss me when you’re gone?”

He looks out at the pond, watching the ducks slowly swim along the surface. “I know you love me, Mommy. I saw it every day. Even when you forgot me. I still knew.”

“What?” I ask, dumbfounded.

“Mommy. I saw you. Every day I saw you when you’d cry. Sometimes you’d smile. I really love when you smile.” He pauses. I give him a sad smile back, because my heart is hurting hearing him talk about this. “Like that. Except when you were with him, your smile was big. You were happy. You didn’t cry as much.”

“When I was with who, Phoenix?” I look around the play area, but no one is here but us.

“With Slayter. You were happy. You can be happy, Mommy.”

“But Phoenix, I am happy. I am so happy.” I wrap my arm around him and pull him in closer to me.

He drops his head in the crook of my arm. I comb through his curls with my fingers. “You don’t have to be sad anymore.” His whisper is so faint, but I have no trouble making out his words. I want to hold onto him forever, never letting him go.

“I’m not sad,” I tell him. I pick him up, and sit him in my lap, so I can see him. So he can see me. “I’ve never been happier. I have you now, don’t I?” I touch my index finger to his nose. He giggles.

“But you don’t belong here, Mommy.” His little nose, speckled with a few faint freckles, scrunches up.

My heartbeat falters in my chest as he stares at me. “Of course I do. I belong with you.”

He reaches his little face up and gives me a kiss on the cheek. A kiss so innocent, a touch so entwined with love. “But you belong with him. You can’t have me, Mommy. I’m supposed to stay here at this playground forever. So I can watch over you.”

Tears start rolling down my face. I want to stay with Phoenix. I can’t let him go. Not again. Not after I’ve spent every day since I lost him dying to remember just one piece of memory involving him. I finally have him in my arms, and it will break me to let him go again. “I don’t want to let you go.”

“It’s okay, Mommy. I want you to go.” He reaches his two tiny hands up, grabbing each side of my face. “Don’t feel sad for me. I love you so much, Mommy. I want you to be happy. You’ll never forget me again.” He shakes his head as a smile spreads across his face. His crooked little baby teeth shine, and I can’t help but to smile back at the gorgeous little boy in front of me.

All I ever wanted in life was to remember. Now he’s here—in my lap, in my arms—and if I let him go, that’s it. How do I know I’ll never forget this? The way his deep little voice rasps as he talks. The way his one little dimple shines in his left cheek when he smiles. Those light peppering of freckles along the bridge of his nose. The way his curls blow on the wind.

“You said I was your Phoenix, Mommy. That I helped you get up from those ashes.” I nod my head in agreement. “You can do it, Mommy. Get up again. Wake up. Everybody misses you.”

“But I miss you…”

“You’ll always miss me. But I’ll always be right here playing. I love this place, Mommy. My friends are so nice.”

He looks out towards the monkey bars. The park is no longer empty. A herd of kids are playing, laughing, and squealing from excitement.

“Those are your friends?”

He nods his little head. “Their mommies miss them, too. They told me.”

“They all… You all…”

“We’re not gone, Mommy. We’re all alive. The people that love us, we’ll always be alive in their hearts.”

Tears cascade down my face from the words he’s speaking. They’re shooting straight through my heart, smashing through that wall around my soul, successfully making it crash down in a mighty force. “Can Mommy just ask you one question?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

I wrap my arms around him, needing to feel the comfort he brings to my racing heart. A comfort I’ve never known. “Was I a good mommy? Did we have fun?”

He smiles. And his smile is so big, my heart swells, bursting with love. “We always had so much fun. Mommy. Do you remember the tire swing? You pushed me so high. And I held on tight like you told me. I loved the tire swing. You are the best Mommy in the whole wide world. I’m so glad we got to play today.”

I blink, bringing with it my last tear. “I am, too,” I whisper. I kiss him on the top of his head. “I’m going to miss playing with you.”

“But you don’t belong here, Mommy. You belong with him.” He points behind me, and when I turn around, my breath gets knocked out of me.

It’s me…

I’m lying there, tubes going into my throat, breathing for me. Slayter, grasping on to my hand with one hand while holding a book with the other.

“Go back, Mommy. He misses you.”