REMEMBER ME: GODS OF CHAOS MC (18 page)

CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

Ryder

The ride to Portland was pure hell. 

Fuck life.  Fuck circumstance.  I was angry, a slow rage boiling just under the surface.  It was fucked up that she would just get dropped into my life like that, where I had no choice but to do what I did. And it was beyond fucked up that we fit together like a pair of perfectly worn gloves. 

I was past trying to resist the love I felt for her.  It was there.  Strong as a fucking herd of horses thundering across my heart, stampeding itself into my consciousness until I was forced to recognize it, accept it.

Fine. I did. And yet I was about to let her go.

Of course, it would work out like that.  I was stupid and naive to think even for a second I would have some chance of a future with a woman like her.   I reminded myself to just be thankful for the time we did have together.

I knew I would carry her in my heart for a long, long time.  That damned owl had been right.  He showed up that night under the moonlight, knowing I was going to lose her.  And tha
t’
s why he was waiting.  He had been on the porch every night without fail since Sam had come into my life.  Just waiting to see me miserable once again.

Waiting. 
I’
d bet my ass he would
n’
t be there tonight.  The thought of going back to the clubhouse alone made me groan.  The road disappeared under us way too quickly.

When we pulled into the parking lot, Sam sat on the back of the bike for a moment before getting off.  She did
n’
t take her arms away from me, and I leaned back into her after shutting off the bike. 

We had said everything we needed to say before we left. There was nothing left but goodbye.

CHAPTER THIRTY

Grace

I never liked my job.  I did it because I felt like I had to.  It was the only way I could exist in this world, with the memories of my past haunting me.  With each girl I managed to save from any further abuse, I was saving the little girl inside of me.

I was doing what I always wanted my mother to do.  The one thing she could, and did, do for everyone else.  For some reason, she could
n’
t do it for me.  Protect me.

And I came to accept that.  I was the last one to be born.  And for the longest time, I was the one that went along with what everyone said, what they did, what they showed to the world, and what they did
n’
t.  I looked up to my siblings, and as a little girl, I did
n’
t know if they were leading me astray or not. 

All I did was trust the people I had no choice but to trust.  My very existence depended on trusting them.  Whether they were trustworthy or not, was not something I had any control over.

But once I did?  Once I turned eighteen, and I was able to leave, I left as fast as I could.  And once I gathered the strength to find my voice, I screamed about it from the loudest mountain.

My mother did not approve of me splashing her dirty laundry around for everyone in town to listen to on the evening news while they were having dinner. 

She blamed me for everything.  Over and over, she told me that since I never said anything when it was happening, it was my fault. 

No.  It was not my fault.

After paying a therapist a few thousand dollars to convince me of that fact, I set off to do something about what had happened to me.

The fact that they went to jail was only a secondary satisfaction.  I would have preferred to kill them with my bare hands, but I was
n’
t about to get anywhere near them again.

I settled for jail. 

I settled for a new life where I did
n’
t have to see anyone I did
n’
t want to.

I settled for a life trying to make someone els
e’
s existence a little less shitty than mine was.

And until now, I was completely happy to do it.

But, now I had Ryder to remember.  And the memory of my time with him was the only thing that got me through my days once I returned to work.  And yet it was pure torture at the same time.

Everyone was shocked to see me.  I told them a slightly modified version of the truth, leaving the fact that I had been saved by the President of the Gods of Chaos MC out of it.  I said I had been taken in by a nice family, who did
n’
t want to be named.  They found me on the side of the road, and tha
t’
s it.  I said I had no idea what happened to Dice.  That I could
n’
t remember anything about that night, which was mostly true.  My memories were pretty foggy once he pulled off the road.

I had a private meeting with the Captain, telling him everything I remembered Dice saying, trying to convince him to let me do some digging.  If Dice had friends on the inside, I needed to find them. 

Judd and Dawn filled me in, telling me that Dic
e’
s incinerated car and body was found in the middle of a tree farm, leaving no trace of fingerprints or other evidence.

I did
n’
t feel bad about leaving Ryder out of my story.  Nobody needed to know about him, and I was
n’
t about to put him at risk of any kind of suspicion.  I knew how the conviction hungry DA worked, not to mention the cops around me, including Judd and Dawn.  They were the two people I was the closest to, but that was
n’
t saying much at all.  We were
n’
t friends. We were colleagues. And they were both on a fast track to big promotions. They would have jumped on a chance to take down an MC president.

So, yeah, we were
n’
t friends.  I did
n’
t have any friends.

Tha
t’
s why I thought it was odd when Judd asked me to get a drink after I had been back for a week.  In all the years we had worked together, he had never done that. 

The captain would
n’
t let me return to work yet.  He had insisted that I go through an exhausting battery of medical tests and psychological evaluations before I could.  I was pissed about it, but I understood.  I was bored to tears, though.

I agreed to meet Judd after he got off work at Club 21, an old East Portland bar that for decades had been a hang out for the regular old man crowd, the crowd that tended to start drinking at seven A.M. every morning.  Now, it was slowly being taken over by the bearded hipsters of the neighborhood. 

Judd was sitting at a dimly lit booth in the back when I arrived, a pint of beer sitting in front of him next to an empty shot glass.  I joined him after grabbing a beer for myself.

“
Hey
,”
I said.
 “
Ho
w’
s it going
?
”

“I’
m fine.  How are you
?”
he asked.
 “
I ca
n’
t believe you had amnesia
!
”

“
Yeah, weird, huh
?
”
 
I replied
.“
Good thing it did
n’
t last for very long
.
”

“
Did you finally remember everything
?”
he asked.

I rolled my eyes.  I did
n’
t want to talk about it.  It was difficult to talk about the situation at all, considering I had to leave so much out, since I had to leave Ryder out of the story.  I wanted to just move on with my life, and my work, as best as I could, now that my heart had a huge empty hole in it.

“
Look, le
t’
s talk about something else, okay
?
”

“
Sure, sure
,”
he said, his eyes darting around the dark room behind me.
 “
I just thought, you know, maybe you had thought of some new information or something.  Something that might tell us more about what happened to Dice, or who he was working with or you kno
w…
whatever
.
”

“
Yeah. No
,”
I replied. I watched him drink his beer, small beads of sweat forming at the top of his forehead.
 “
Like I said, I do
n’
t remember much after getting in his car
.
”
 
It had been easier to tell everyone but the Captain that I had
n’
t recovered memories of the attack. 
 “
I do have a question for you, though, Judd.  Why did
n’
t you guys know I was in trouble sooner? I thought you were following us. I never figured that out. He threw my purse out of the window
.
”

“
Yeah, yeah, we knew that.  It took us a while.  But we finally found your purse on the side of the road. GPS was still working
.
”

What was he saying? I knew for a fact that my purse had tumbled down the ravine and was carried down the river. Ther
e’
s no way they could have found it on the road.

That did
n’
t make any sense at all, but I did
n’
t say anything to him.  I nodded, watching him finish his beer as I silently drank mine.

“
So, what did you want to talk about, Judd
?
”

“
Oh, nothing, you know, just catch up, see how you were doing
.
”

“
Yeah, okay.  Cool.  Listen, I need a lot of rest these days, I get tired pretty easily, so
I’
m just gonna head home. Sorry to leave so soon
.
”

I felt uncomfortable, and I did
n’
t know why.  Alarms were going off in the back of my head, and I needed time alone to think. 

“
Oh, sure, sur
e
…
”
he said, his eyes narrowing as he watched me gather my keys and purse.

“I’
ll talk to you at the meeting next week
,”
I said, waving at him.  I sank behind the drive
r’
s seat thankfully, and locked my doors.  It had started raining while I was inside, and I turned on my lights and wipers, pulling out of the parking lot and heading back to my apartment.

I did
n’
t see his car pull out behind me.

***

When I pulled into the parking space at my apartment complex, I was still bewildered and thinking about what Judd had said.  Something was
n’
t right, but I could
n’
t quite figure it out. 

I needed to talk to Dawn, and then compare her story with his.

I hit the button on my car key to lock the door, took two steps towards my door and heard his voice behind me.

“
Grace
.
”

I turned around and faced him.  Judd stood there in the pouring rain, his gun drawn, pointing straight at me.

“
Judd! What the fuck are you doing
?
”

Rain poured over us and we were drenched in seconds. I could barely see him. I took a step toward him.  And then another.

“
Wha
t’
s with the gun, Judd
?
” 

“
You
,”
he slurred
,“
you were
n’
t supposed to survive.  Dice was supposed to take care of you
.
”

“
What are you fucking talking about, Judd?  Put the fucking gun away
!
”

“
Move
!
”
 
he gestured towards my apartment. I hesitated and he yelled again, stepping towards me and shoving the gun in my ribs
.“
Inside! Open the door
.
”

I opened the door, and we entered the dark apartment.  I took a silent inventory of what I had nearby that I could use as a weapon.  My gun was in my purse, which was slung over my shoulder.  I had knives on the kitchen counter.  A can of mace was hanging on a spare pair of keys by the front door. 

But the gun pressing into my ribs would
n’
t allow me access to any of those things.

I could fight him if I had to. 

I was stronger than him, and I knew it. We had gone through training together, and he had barely passed the grueling physical tests we were forced through.  He had always slacked off, and since we had been on the force, he was
n’
t exactly known for having much discipline when it came to working out regularly.

“
Judd, this does
n’
t make any sense. Yo
u’
re a fucking cop, for go
d’
s sake!
I’
m your partner
!
”