Releasing Me (3 page)

I was even avoiding Mac by not answering her calls and giving short vague responses to her texts. She wanted to come visit, but I couldn’t face her until I told Quinn the truth. However, every day it managed to elude me.

Alexis was in town for the weekend so Elena wanted to spend some time with her. Quinn and I were alone for two days without interruptions, or in my case, without an escape.

I was sitting at the kitchen table looking at my computer while Quinn worked on his at the couch. He closed it and set it aside.

“
Come here, baby.
”

After shutting down my computer, I sat next to him.
“
Do you need something?
”

He put his hand behind my head and pulled me to his lips. He kissed me slow at first, but then slipped his tongue into my mouth, deepening it. My body immediately responded. We had shared some cautious cuddling at night and chaste kisses before bed, but other than that, our relationship had felt more like roommates than lovers.

He pulled away. His eyes had that look that I hadn’t seen since the accident.

“
Yes, I do need something.
”
Bringing me to his mouth again with one hand, the other slipped under my shirt. He pulled down the cup of my bra releasing my breast. I moaned into his mouth as he cupped my breast with his large hand, kneading it while rubbing his thumb over my erect nipple. Leaning in closer to him, I put my hand on the arm of the sofa to help support my weight. I wanted to straddle him and feel him between my legs, but I thought it would be too much.

My body was starving, I craved him so much. He released my breast and slipped his hand under the waistband of my leggings. I turned completely toward him, kneeling on the couch beside him to support myself. My tongue danced with his as soft needy moans escaped my chest. He slipped two fingers inside my wet and wanton sex.

“
Quinn—
”
I tilted my head back as he moved his mouth to my neck.

My brain was struggling with guilt and shame, but my body was too desperate to be distracted by such thoughts. I moved my hips into his hand as his fingers plunged into me. He circled his thumb over my clit, and it didn’t take long before I was panting through the waves of an orgasm.

“
Oh God, Quinn.
”

I moved my hand down over his pants, but he grabbed my wrist.

“
Don’t.
”

I looked at him confused.

He released a breath.
“
Too many medications.
”

My mind was worried about things like addiction and liver damage. I never stopped to think about the possibility of erectile dysfunction.
“
Then why did you—
”

He gave me a quick kiss then brought my hand to his mouth. He pressed his lips to my palm.
“
Because I wanted to.
”

I sat down next to him with my legs curled under me.
“
I don’t want you to do that.
”

He laughed.
“
Could have fooled me.
”

I bumped up against his arm and laid my head on his shoulder.
“
You know that’s not what I mean. If you can’t …
you know
, then I don’t want you to feel like you need to pleasure me.
”

“
I don’t think I
need
to pleasure you.
”
He held my hand and interlaced our fingers while he turned my ring from side to side.
“
I
want
to pleasure you. I love you. I love touching you. And I especially love listening to the sounds you make when you lose all control.
”

I brought our entwined fingers up to my lips and kissed the back of his hand.
“
I love you too.
”

*

Our intimate moment on the couch was incenti
ve for Quinn to cut back on his pain medications. His X-rays at two months looked good, but his doctor recommended he avoid weight bearing activities for another month. Quinn moved from the couch to his office in our condo to do his work. Aside from going to the doctor, he refused to leave home. He said he felt like an old man hobbling around with a cane. Each day was unpredictable. Some days were good and Quinn breezed through his therapy. Other days were awful. He tried to hide it, but I could see the pain nearly brought tears to his eyes. He took just enough pain medication to take the edge off, but some days it didn’t seem to have any effect.

Mac texted me that she and Evan were catching a flight to New York for the weekend and she wouldn’t take no for an answer. That was all it took for me to finally call her.

“
Don’t even try and tell me it’s too soon, Addy. I should have been there for you in Spain. There’s no way I’m waiting any longer.
”

“
You’re right. I’m sorry, I’ve just been––
”
I let out a deep sigh.
“
Out of sorts.
”

“
I’m sure you have been, but I think it’s more about you avoiding me because you haven’t told Quinn. And you’re afraid of what I’m going to say.
”

“
Mac, it’s not that simple.
”

“
No shit. Nothing about you and Quinn has ever been simple, but the longer you wait, the worse the outcome will be.
”

“
I know, I know! But I’m not going to tell him until after you leave. If I tell him now, then you might as well not come.
”

“
Fine, but the second we leave on Sunday you’d better tell him. Deal?
”

It felt like she was starting the countdown clock to Quinn leaving me, or more accurately, kicking me out. I was in a no-win situation.

“
Whatever, just promise not to say anything about it while you’re here.
”

“
Yeah, yeah, we’ll see you Friday afternoon.
”

I pressed
END
just as Quinn was making his way to the great room from his office. The grimace on his face told me it was not a good day.

“
Can I get you anything?
”

He couldn’t even speak until he stopped at the kitchen counter and leaned into it.

“
Fuck!
”
He keeled over like someone was stabbing a knife into his stomach.

The agonizing cry still ripped at my heart, but I no longer rushed to his aid. My pulse quickened, jaw clenched, and fingernails dug into my palms. The only thing more excruciating than his reaction to the pain was his reaction to my help. The rejection cut deep. Some days were good and some days were bad. This was his new
“
normal
”
on those bad days, and I hated feeling so helpless.

“
It hurts like a motherfucker to sit, or stand, or walk, or lie down.
”
He rested his elbows on the counter and pulled at his hair in frustration.

Silently waiting it out with him was all I could do. I got him a glass of water, his pain pills, and a slice of banana bread to eat with them. After I unloaded the dishwasher, I noticed his empty glass and plate, but the pills were still on the counter.

He was collapsed on the couch with one arm stretched out to the side and the other draped over his face.

“
Mac and Evan are coming in Friday afternoon.
”

He didn’t respond.

“
I’m going to ask your mom if they could stay with her.
”

“
Why?
”
he responded.

“
If you have a … difficult day I just don’t want—
”

“
You don’t want what? Me cursing up a storm in front of them? Me being such a fucking downer?
”

Dealing with Quinn on those days became the ultimate mind game, but I usually held my own. I grabbed one of his finance magazines off the counter and sat in the chair next to him pretending to read it.

“
Yeah, pretty much. Well, I mean, not so much the cursing, that would make Mac feel right at home, but the
“
fucking downer
”
part is the main reason. Would it kill you to try and be a little more hospitable? Every time someone comes over, all you do is sit on your ass and wait for me to answer the door, invite them in, and offer them a drink. You never want to play twister or join the conga line.
”

Quinn lifted his arm just enough to peek over at me. I held back my smile.

“
I’d hate you if I didn’t love you so damn much.
”
His voice was strained in pain.

“
Back at ya, babe.
”
I grinned.

CHAPTER THREE

Quinn insisted I
pick Mac and Evan up from the a
irport instead of sending a car for them. He was having a better day and claimed he could
“
wipe his own ass
”
for a few hours. The physical therapist, Patrick, was scheduled to be there shortly after I left. Some days he was more capable of dealing with Quinn’s
“
shit
”
than I was. I took Mac and Evan to Elena’s to drop off their bags before we went back to the condo. Elena was graciously willing to let them stay with her. She knew firsthand how uncomfortable it got when Quinn was having a bad day. I had chased after her more than once when Quinn’s pain induced, foul mouth sent her running to the door.

“
Hey, babe, we’re here,
”
I called out as we walked in the door.

“
In here,
”
he replied from his office.

“
Make yourselves at home. I’m going to go check on him before I start dinner.
”

“
Will do,
”
Mac replied.

Quinn sat in his desk chair, looking out the window, with his back to the door.

“
Shut the door.
”

“
Um … okay.
”
I complied.
“
How was therapy?
”
I walked up behind him and sat on the edge of his desk.

He spun around in his chair to face me.

“
Good. Where’s Mac and Evan?
”

His quick response to my question and curiosity to Mac and Evan’s whereabouts was odd.

“
They’re in the great room. Why?
”

“
I think cutting back on my pain medication is finally paying off.
”
He flashed me a conspiratorial grin.

“
I’m not following.
”

He motioned with his index finger for me to come closer. I stood and leaned into him with my hands on the arms of his chair. He kissed me then I pulled back.

“
Still not following.
”

He kissed me again, but that time it was more intense. He grabbed my hand and placed it between his legs on his growing erection.

“
Mmm,
”
I hummed into his mouth as I stroked him.
“
Welcome back.
”
I raised my eye brows.
“
Later we’ll have to see what we can do about this … situation that has recently come
up.
”

“
Later? Are you kidding me? There might not be this
situation
later,
”
he pleaded.

“
We have guests out in the other room. What do you want me to do?
”

Quinn smiled then bit his lip as he looked down at his arousal straining against his pants.

It wasn’t that I didn’t want to please him, because I did. I just had trouble blocking out the sound of Mac and Evan’s voices in the other room. Quinn apparently didn’t have the same issue.

“
You’re a desperate, kinky bastard, but fine.
”
I dropped to my knees as he pushed down the front of his jogging pants.

“
Keep talking like that. It only makes me harder.
”

I wrapped my hand around him and stroked the bottom of his shaft while my mouth worked him from the top. He ran his fingers through my hair.

“
God, yes, like that.
”

His hips started to push up toward me and that’s when I heard him suck in a quick breath through his teeth. I looked up at his face which was twisted in pain, not pleasure. His erection faded away as quickly as it appeared.

He quickly pulled up his pants, as if he was embarrassed.

“
Are you okay?
”

His face was still pained and he wouldn’t look at me.
“
I’m fine just … go. I’ll be out in a few minutes.
”

“
Quinn—
”

“
Just go, Addy!
”

I hurried out hoping Mac and Evan hadn’t heard Quinn raise his voice with me.

*

“
Quinn’s finishing up something then he’ll be out. I
‘m going to start peeling potatoes,
”
I announced after leaving Quinn’s office.

“
Want some help?
”
Mac asked.

“
Sure.
”

“
What can I do?
”
Evan questioned.

“
Stay out of the kitchen,
”
Mac deadpanned.

Evan frowned a pouty face as she blew him a kiss.

“
So is Quinn feeling okay today?
”
Mac asked as she grabbed the knife and cutting board.

“
Uh, yes, I think so, but things can change quickly,
”
I answered honestly.

I had no idea what personality we would see when Quinn came out of his office.

“
Well, I’m guessing he’ll act fine around us no matter how he’s feeling, but you just give me a wink or something if you think it’s time for us to leave. There’s nothing worse than trying to act like you’re feeling fine when you’re really not.
”

A few minutes later Quinn made his way out of his office.

“
Hey, guys, nice to see you again,
”
he said, forcing a cheery tone.

“
Quinn!
”
Evan jumped up and shook his hand while giving him a pat on the back.
“
Good to see you too. Can I help you?
”

“
No, I’m fine, just a little slow.
”

Mac walked over to Quinn and gave him a gentle hug and kiss on the cheek before he lowered himself onto a dining room chair.
“
We were so worried about you. I’m glad to see you’re going to be fine.
”

“
Yeah, I’m getting there.
”
He used his smile to hide the grimace that was usually brought on by bending to sit down.

We ate dinner and kept the conversation centered on Mac and Evan. Quinn and I barely exchanged glances. We made tentative plans to go to Chicago to take
The Sage
out for the first time as soon as Quinn felt up to it. Quinn had suggested months ago that I bring her to New York, but her home wasn’t in Manhattan and neither was mine. I knew, or at least hoped, in the near future we would end up in Chicago.

After dinner we gathered in the great room. Mac and Evan finished the second bottle of wine, while Quinn sipped his usual glass of water and I had tea.

“
I haven’t told my mom and dad about your engagement yet since they haven’t met Quinn. Maybe you two could share the news if you make it to Chicago next month,
”
Mac suggested.

I squinted my eyes and pursed my lips at her for steering the conversation in that direction. She flipped me an innocent smile, as if she was oblivious to my reaction.

“
We’ll see. It’s going to depend on Quinn.
”
I’m sure he thought I was talking about his health, but I was more concerned about his reaction to what I had yet to tell him.

“
I’m sure I’ll be fine.
”
Quinn’s answer was short, and I could tell from his voice that he was tired and most likely in pain.

I winked at Mac and it took her wine-relaxed brain a minute to process my signal, but eventually she did.

“
Oh yes, well, Evan, we should take off. I don’t want to barge in on Elena too late.
”

“
I’ll drive you,
”
I said standing up.

“
Don’t be silly. We’re quite capable of hailing a cab,
”
Mac insisted.
“
Maybe tomorrow Evan can come keep Quinn company and we can go check out some wedding dresses. I bet Elena would love that too.
”

“
We’ll see. I think finding the right dress sounds like a daunting task.
”
I rolled my eyes.

“
That’s what you said the last time … uh, I mean—
”

The room fell silent. My back was to Quinn, but I could see from the expressions on Mac and Evan’s faces that he was not happy. I closed my eyes and shook my head. Mac was flushed with awkward embarrassment. When I opened my eyes, I could see her grimaced face pleading with me for forgiveness, but I had none to offer at that moment. She looked at me the way I knew I would look at Quinn once I got up the nerve to turn around.

“
Mac, let’s go.
”
Evan grabbed her arm and pulled her out the door.

There were no goodbyes or any further talk of the next day. Within in a few brief seconds they were out the door and I was stuck in my own silent Hell.

I turned around.
“
Quinn—
”

“
You used to climb, with
him
, before you were …
married.
”

I had read everything there was to read on dissociative amnesia, and the thing that had haunted me was the
“
trigger
”
that could bring it all back. It had been a race to see if I would get the nerve to tell Quinn before something else triggered his memory. I lost.

Quinn was looking at me, but it felt more like he was looking through me, past me, to our past. His voice was calm and monotone.
“
That’s what you said to me, when I was climbing. I remember.
”

“
Quinn, I wanted to—
”

“
No! Jesus, Addy! Don’t you dare try and tell me you wanted to tell me. That’s what you’re going to say, right? You wanted to tell me, but you couldn’t? There is
nothing
about your past that you have
eve
r wanted to tell me. Everything I know about you has been dragged out of you, piece by agonizing piece.
”

Tears flowed freely, rolling down my face. He was right, and I had nothing to say.

“
That’s what you meant in the hospital … when you apologized. Isn’t it? I fell. You didn’t drop me. I fell when you told me that and you feel responsible. Don’t you?
”

I sobbed and wiped my tears as I started to move toward him.

“
Don’t.
”
He held his hand out to stop me.
“
Go to bed, Addy. I can’t talk to you about this anymore. I can’t even look at you right now.
”

“
But, Quinn—
”
I sobbed again.

“
Go. To. Bed!
”
His voice was louder and strained.

I ran up the stairs and collapsed on our bed then cried myself to sleep—alone.

*

I’d lost track of how many times I’d awakened in that condo
with red swollen eyes. I wondered if it was a sign. My pounding head declared war with my every move, but I made my way downstairs anyway. I expected to see Quinn asleep on the couch, but it was empty. Padding to his office, I found him leaning back in his chair. Then I was stopped cold in my tracks, but not from the dark menacing glare he was giving me; it was what I saw in his hand that shocked me.

“
What’s in the glass?
”
I asked.

Quinn held it up and swirled it around before taking a drink.
“
Scotch.
”

“
You don’t drink.
”
My voice was even and calm.

“
No, I
didn’t
drink, but I do now,
”
he said in a condescending voice.
“
Who knew it would numb my pain better than those other stupid pills? Guess I should have tried it to begin with.
”

“
Have you taken any pills today?
”
I was knowledgeable about the dangers of mixing alcohol with narcotics, but I wasn’t sure if Quinn was.

“
Nope. Figured I’d save that concoction for your next big reveal.
”

I wanted to take the glass from his hand and throw it through the window. I wanted to scream at him for being so stupid and weak to start down the same road his father had, but I couldn’t because my problems were bigger, and I was the reason his life was so miserable at the moment. Nothing good would come from getting upset with him, so I surrendered.

I walked over and sat down on the edge of his desk facing him. As I thought about my next words, I expected tears to sting my eyes, but they didn’t. I was all cried out, and I, too, felt numb, although not from alcohol like Quinn.

“
His name was Malcolm. He was Mac’s brother. She introduced us my freshman year of college. I was a virgin and so was he. Six months later we had sex for the first time over Christmas break. We didn’t fuck, we made love. He loved me and I loved him. It was painful, awkward, and fast; but it was also special, heartfelt, and beautiful. Together our wealthy families put on the biggest most extravagant wedding Chicago had seen in years. Malcolm was older and graduated before me. He bought us a house and promised me the world––a fairytale. Fast forward a few years and the fairytale turned into a horror film. My parents died … correction, my parents were brutally murdered in what was believed to be a home invasion. I found them the next day, one … body part … at a time.
”

“
Addy—
”
Quinn set his drink down and started to lean toward me.

I held my hand out to stop him from moving any closer to me.
“
No, this is my story. My
big reveal
. Let me finish. Six months and thousands of dollars’ worth of therapy later, the nightmares started to disappear, but that’s when my story took another unexpected turn. It was around three o’clock in the morning when we awoke to the sound of our fire alarms going off.
”
I paused to think about my next words, but I couldn’t find all of them quite yet.