Regrets Only (30 page)

But
Kate shook her head. “Everyone’s been really busy and distracted; we told them
I had mono. I think they believed us.”

Suzanne
had her doubts, especially about the formidable Mrs. Burke, but she stayed
silent. “Anyway,” Kate went on, “I didn’t want a bunch of questions this
weekend about why I’m not drinking or when we’re going to have kids, and I just
feel better when my family knows what’s going on. We’re close like that, you
know? Especially Dylan and me and our parents.”

“Jeff
doesn’t want to tell anyone?”

“His
father is a Baptist minister,” she explained. “His parents are really
conservative.”

“And
he doesn’t think they’ll do the math when you have a baby six months after your
wedding day?”

“That’s
what I said!” Kate agreed. “But he said they’ll be really upset when they first
find out, and he’s worried that their disappointment will ruin our wedding.
They still think he’s a virgin.”

Suzanne
snorted loudly. Jeff was certainly one of the more wholesome members of the
Dylan Burke entourage, but a good-looking music promoter in his late twenties
with access to all those girls just dying to meet someone famous? A virgin?
Inconceivable.

Kate
looked surprised for a second and then giggled. “I guess it is kind of silly,
isn’t it?”

Suzanne
searched for something diplomatic to say. “Well, I guess it’s nice that they
have so much confidence in him, and that he wants them to be happy.”

“Actually,
he says he doesn’t care what they think, really, but it’s just that they can be
kind of harsh and dramatic with their opinions sometimes. He says he doesn’t
want me to look back on my wedding day and remember that his mom called me a
harlot or that his parents refused to pose for pictures.”

“Surely
they wouldn’t?”

“I
don’t think so. I think maybe Jeff doesn’t give them enough credit sometimes.
Anyway, that’s what we’ve been fighting about. Well, that and my sisters…”

“Amber
and Sherrie?”

Kate
nodded. “The crazy two. They’re my mom’s daughters, and before she met my dad
her life was…a little unpredictable. I love them, but…”

Suzanne
smiled. She could only imagine how soft-spoken Kate, so much like her dad, must
react to that pair. Suzanne had once seen a picture of the two of them on the
front page of some tabloid magazine, both blitzed out of their minds, wearing
tiny denim shorts and halter tops and drinking something fruity from yard-long
beakers. They were on stage somewhere, dancing around a stripper pole that was
probably serving as much to hold them up as it was a prop. Suzanne had never
forgotten the headline: “Keeping Up with the White Trashians.”

Kate
seemed to know that Suzanne would fill in the blanks, because she went on. “Jeff
didn’t want them here this weekend at first. He said they’re an embarrassment
to the family. But Dylan talked to him and he changed his mind. Still, he
barely talks to them. I know what everyone thinks of them, but they’re still my
sisters. And I’m kind of pissed because Dylan had to talk him into letting them
come to our wedding. Why didn’t he listen to
me
? I’m starting to wonder
what it’s going to be like raising a baby with someone who doesn’t respect my
opinions.”

The
old Suzanne would’ve said:
Screw the wedding and run like hell. Obviously
this guy is never going to treat you like an equal.
But she paused;
something told her maybe it wasn’t that simple.

“Is
it normal for Jeff to disregard your opinions like this? Is that how he’s
always been?”

“No,”
Kate cried. “That’s what’s so frustrating! I’ve always felt that we understood
each other so deeply, and now I feel like he’s so focused on what everyone else
thinks.”

Suzanne
mulled this over for a minute. “Well, it’s your choice. You never have to marry
anyone you don’t want to marry. And while it is a big decision in terms of this
baby,” she gestured toward Kate’s belly, “one thing I know for sure is that you
can’t let the
wedding
make your decision about the
marriage
. If
you think you’ve made a mistake, don’t let the people and the catering and the
embarrassment bully you.”

Kate
looked at her, wide-eyed, and nodded slowly. “That said,” Suzanne went on,
“Jeff seems like a really good guy most of the time, and no one is perfect.
From what I’ve seen, he is absolutely crazy about you. And I just know he’s
excited about this baby.”

“He
really is,” Kate said, her entire expression softening with affection. “He’s
going to be a great dad.”

Already
Suzanne could tell what Kate really wanted to do. The task now was to help it
go more smoothly.

“I
think…” she said, giving words to a thought that had been forming since she
started making her list of rejected men. “I think it’s hard being a guy
sometimes. Especially a guy who loves a smart, strong woman like you. People
tell them they’re supposed to be manly, to wear the pants, to not let their
wives and girlfriends drive the relationship. But things are different now and
we women have so many more choices. That’s wonderful, but it makes it difficult
sometimes for guys to know where they fit into our lives. Their hearts can
break just as easily as ours can, but they’re not allowed to show it. They want
to protect us, and sometimes they can’t even protect themselves.”

“I
never thought about it that way,” Kate said.

“Me
either,” Suzanne said, smiling. “Not until recently.”

Kate
started to say something, but stopped; so Suzanne continued.

“Maybe
what Jeff needs is a chance to show you that he can protect you and do the best
thing for your relationship, without ignoring your feelings. Maybe he just
needs a little nudge in the right direction, and for you to be honest with him
about what you need. Then let him figure out how to give it to you.”

Kate
thought this over for a minute. “Honestly? I thought him playing golf was a
great idea, once I realized I didn’t really need him here. I just wanted my
opinion about it to matter to him. It’s the same with the baby.”

“Easy
enough,” Suzanne said. “He can fix that. So that’s what you tell him.”

“But
I was so mean to him. I can’t ask him to come back now. I’ll look like an
idiot.”

“Tell
you what—it’s your wedding weekend and I’m a full-service event planner. I’ll
go talk to him and get him to come see you. Just this once, though. Next time
you’re on your own. He’s going to be your husband. You’d better learn how to
start these conversations.”

Kate
smiled sheepishly. “Thanks, Suzanne.” She added more softly, “I can see why
Dylan is so fond of you.”

Now
it was Suzanne’s turn to blush. “Well, that’s what wedding planners are for.”

#

She
found the guys, not on the golf course a few miles from the house, but at a bar
on the green called the 19
^th
Hole. They were in a corner booth with
a pitcher of dark beer and an empty one next to it. Carla’s husband Guillermo
was talking animatedly about something, gesturing wildly and grinning. Dylan
and his other brother-in-law Spencer were listening with amused attention.
Jeff, who was in the corner hardest to see from the door, appeared to be glumly
leaning over his beer glass.

Suzanne
took a deep breath before walking over. It pained her a little just to see him
there. Still, she had a great affection for Kate and knew Kate loved Jeff, so
she would have to get past her own feelings.

“Hello,
boys,” she said, pulling up a chair and sitting backwards in it—a gesture that
was at once flirtatious and non-negotiable. Guillermo and Dylan both looked
shocked to see her, while Spencer and Jeff each gave her a polite smile. “How
did everyone shoot today?”

They
each reacted according to their performance, bragging or making excuses,
muttering about how little time they had to play or that they were just lucky
enough to beat the pants off someone else.
How cute,
she thought,
you
think I am really here to ask about your golf game
. But she smiled
appreciatively and talked golf with them for a few minutes. Golf was another
game she’d learned from her father, and though she seldom played for pleasure now,
the basic skills had served her well in meetings over the years.

When
the chatter slowed, she got down to business. “How are you, Jeff? You don’t
look like a guy who just shot two over par on a tough course.”

He
stared at the table and the other three made incomprehensible gestures, as
though she’d just announced that she had brought his test results from the STD
clinic and was about to read them aloud. She continued. “You know, driving over
here, I was just thinking how nice it would be for you, marrying into a big
family like this one—you already have three brothers-in-law built in to give
you good marriage advice.”

Dylan,
who had been avoiding her gaze, smirked at the ceiling. Despite her anger and
hurt, his approval of her comment was energizing. Guillermo and Spencer,
meanwhile, looked appropriately shame-faced and uncomfortable.
That’s right,
you little bastards. Squirm.

Jeff
spoke next. “You’ve talked to Kate?”

She
nodded.

“Is
she…is she okay?” he asked.

“I
think she will be,” Suzanne said brightly, “once she talks to you again.”

“Oh,
God. Suzanne, I screwed up. I feel so bad. I’ve never seen her so pissed off.”

Dylan’s
face clouded. Clearly, Jeff had not relayed the fight to the rest of the guys.
“What happened, dude?”

“Nothing
big,” Jeff said quickly. “I mean, I don’t think it is. I was just…kind of a
jerk. I’ve had a lot on my mind with the wedding and the b—” he stopped himself
and corrected, “the band.”

Dylan
eyed him suspiciously but Jeff looked at Suzanne. “Do you think she’ll talk to
me? Do you think I can make it right?”

“I
think she’ll talk to you,” Suzanne said. “I mean, she did agree to marry you
and all.”

“How
do I make it up to her? What do I say?”

“I
have to admit, I don’t have a lot of experience with being in love,” said
Suzanne, trying hard not to look at Dylan in her peripheral vision. “But I
think women often appreciate grand romantic gestures at times like this.
Meaningful
grand romantic gestures.”

Jeff
considered this, and then swallowed the last of his beer. “Can you give me a
ride back?”

#

Shortly
after she pulled up to the house and let Jeff out of her car, her phone buzzed.
“Hi there,” said William. “I’m afraid I’m going to be late. I had a case that I
thought would be over in fifteen minutes this morning, but it’s still going on.
I’m so sorry.” It was 3:15, according to the clock in her car. Her heart sank.
She had hoped he would be here to keep her company during the rehearsal dinner,
and there was no way he would make it up in time.

“Are
you going to come up afterward?” she asked.

“Well,
it’s up to you. I know I’ll miss dinner tonight, but I could come anyway or I
can leave at the crack of dawn and be there to help out all day tomorrow.”

“Why
don’t you just come up in the morning?” she said after a moment. “This place
can be hard to find at night and I have everything pretty much under control.
Kate’s been a breeze.” She was sorry for Kate’s turmoil, but in a way it was
easier working for someone who had more on her mind than whether the flowers
looked wilted or a bridesmaid had gained two pounds.

“You
sure?” he asked, tentatively. “I think my GPS will get me there.”

“That’s
okay,” she said. “Get some good sleep and I’ll see you in the morning.”

Suzanne
tried to ignore the relieved feeling that accompanied her disappointment. Even
though they’d had several dates in the past three weeks, this would have been
their first night in a bed together, which made her feel oddly nervous. Not
only were they moving at a snail’s pace compared with her usual dating pattern,
but it was particularly strange because they had slept together many times
during their previous relationship a decade before. Still, she was content to
push their night together in the tiny guesthouse back one night.

“I’ll
be there bright and early, then,” he said. “Gotta run, okay?”

The
phone clicked and Suzanne rested her head on the steering wheel for a moment,
inhaling deeply. Her heart pounded inexplicably. She took several deep breaths
and willed her body to be still. Even though she knew Gunnar and Penny were
safely in jail, she still occasionally had to fight off the feeling that
someone was behind her, watching. Waiting.

#

The
rehearsal dinner was at a steakhouse overlooking Gatlinburg, about twenty
minutes from the cabin. The owners were longtime friends of the Burkes and
would be attending the wedding the next night; the dinner was their wedding
gift. For Suzanne this meant no shopping around, no price negotiations, no
obsessing whether the gratuity was included in the budget, no fighting with the
restaurant staff to make sure they had use of the banquet room at the right
time. She sat at the end of the table and watched things unfold, reminding the
wait staff about a few food allergies and preferences, cueing the parents when
it was time for them to make toasts. Other than that, she had only to eat and
take a few pictures.