Refuge (53 page)

I shook my head. “I’m sure.”

At my door, I turned to face him. I swallowed
and raised my eyes to meet his, hoping he wouldn’t see how close I
was to coming apart.

“You were amazing tonight.”

“Really?” I searched his face for some sign
he was patronizing me, but I saw only pride.

“The whole time I was out there, all I could
think about was getting to you. And then I find you standing in the
middle of it all, surrounded by bodies. I heard what you did. Don’t
ever tell me again that you’re not a warrior.”

“I did have a lot of help,” I said, flushed
with pleasure at his praise. It was the first time he had
acknowledged my ability to take care of myself, and I was going to
remember this moment for a long time. “I was worried about you,
too.”

His expression was impossible to read and my
breath caught when he took a step toward me. He opened his mouth as
to say something but changed his mind. Tenderly, he brushed my hair
back from my face, his fingers grazing my cheek. “Try to get some
sleep.”

“I will,” I breathed. I entered my room and
closed the door behind me, then leaned against it, wondering if he
was still out there. After a few minutes, I realized I would have
sensed him if he was that close. Shaking my head at my own
foolishness, I went to shower off all the battle grime clinging to
me.

I was trembling from fatigue when I emerged
from the bathroom and fell onto the bed without bothering to turn
off the lamp. But though my body was spent, my mind refused to shut
down, and it kept replaying every horrific detail of the night when
I closed my eyes. After thirty minutes of torture, I grabbed the
quilt off the bed and curled up on the couch, flicking through TV
channels for anything to distract me. I settled on an English
comedy even though I was too tired to try to make out what they
were saying.

But even the show’s raucous laughter could
not keep the dark thoughts away for long, and I found myself
thinking about Michael, who had looked so young and innocent in the
medical ward. How was it that no one had seen how delusional and
desperate he was until it was too late? We had some of the best
technology and medicine in the world, yet we had failed to help one
troubled boy. In the short time I’d known Michael I had seen how
obsessed he was with finding his brother. It was the same obsession
I’d seen in myself when I’d searched for my dad’s killer. I wished
I had said something to Tristan about him. Even though Michael had
betrayed me in the worst way, all I wanted to do was cry for the
wasted life of the boy I had believed was my friend.

My chest constricted painfully when I let
myself think about Olivia and Mark. Olivia had been so animated
compared to Mark’s quieter personality, but they had been happy
together. The two of them were orphans, but unlike me, they had no
other family but each other. And now they were gone. They were dead
because of me. I should not be here safe with the people I loved
while Olivia and Mark lay on cold slabs in the morgue.

I buried my face in the quilt to smother my
sobs. I didn’t hear the door open or realize I was no longer alone
until the couch dipped beside me. I went blindly into Nikolas’s
arms and pressed my face against his soft sweater.

“I can’t do this anymore. I can’t bear all
these people getting hurt because of me.”

“None of this was your fault,” he said
against my hair. “No one expected the vampires to try something
like this. If you have to blame anyone, blame me. I promised you
and Nate that you would be safe here.”

“I can’t blame you.” Since the day we met,
Nikolas had done everything in his power to protect me. He might
choose to ignore the truth, but my conscience would not let me
forget so easily. And the truth was this started the night I
decided to meet a stranger at the Attic to get answers about my
dad. Before that night, Eli and his Master had no idea where or
what I really was. Since then, Roland, Peter, and Nate had all been
hurt in attempts to get to me. How long would it be before one of
them met a worst fate?

“You all could have died tonight,” I said,
hiccupping loudly. “I couldn’t bear it if . . . ”

Nikolas wrapped his arms tighter around me.
“Nothing will happen to us. Now that we know the lengths this
vampire will go to, we will step up security and put every resource
we have into finding him. I will never let them take you. That is
one promise I will take to my grave.”

“Don’t say that.” I shuddered at the thought
of him dying, and the cold realization hit me that he would
willingly give up his life to protect me. I would not let him die
for me.

The more time that passed, the bolder this
Master became. He was never going to stop, and eventually someone I
loved would pay the ultimate price. I could not sit back and let
that happen. It was time to make some hard decisions and to stop
hiding like a frightened rabbit, waiting for the predator to
strike.

Nikolas rubbed my back through the quilt. For
the first time since I entered the woods with Michael, I felt
sheltered and warm. Westhorne was supposed to be my refuge, but
tonight had shattered that illusion and opened my eyes to the
truth. The only time I felt truly safe was with Nikolas.

He had never wavered or weakened once in the
months I’d known him, no matter what danger he faced or how much
I’d tried to push him away. When I needed a trainer and a friend he
was there. When I thought I’d lost Nate, he was my strength. He
sent for Roland and Peter because he knew how much I needed them.
He had been patient and put his own feelings aside when I was
confused and afraid. He was a warrior in the very best sense of the
word.

His hand stilled. “Feel better?” I nodded,
and he loosened his embrace.

“Would you . . . stay just a little longer?”
I asked when he began to pull away. Tomorrow, I would be strong.
Tonight, all I wanted was to feel his arms around me.

“I’ll be here as long as you need me.” He
tugged on the quilt that had fallen off my shoulders, pulling it
over both of us. Then he moved us until he reclined against the
cushioned armrest with me lying against him. Cocooned in his arms
with his heart beating beneath my hand, I felt a sense of wholeness
and belonging unlike anything I had ever known. It was incredible
and wonderful and a little frightening to care so deeply for
another person, especially with a monster out there determined to
take everyone I loved from me.

I love you.
The words hovered on my lips, but
something held me back from saying them out loud. I didn’t know if
it was fear of laying my heart out there or a need to savor these
new feelings a little longer before I shared them.

His hand came up to stroke my hair. “Go to
sleep,
moy malen’kiy
voin.
You’ve earned it.”

“You’re always saying stuff in Russian,” I
murmured. “What did you just say?”

He chuckled. “It means ‘my little
warrior.’”

“I’m not that little,” I retorted then
yawned, unable to keep my eyes open. “You’re my warrior, too.” I
felt his arms tighten around me as sleep finally claimed me.

I STOOD ON the riverbank and stared at the
tumbling water without really seeing it. The weak December sun did
little to dispel the bite in the air, and I pulled the collar of my
warm coat up to cover my ears. It was too cold to be standing
outside like this, but I couldn’t spend another minute inside with
everyone talking about last night. And I couldn’t walk around the
grounds without seeing the red splotches of snow and other evidence
of the battle that took place here.

Was it really less than sixteen hours ago
that Jordan and I dragged ourselves from the river at this very
spot? I looked down at the sloping bank and saw the gouges in the
frozen dirt and the places where our hands had found purchase as
we’d pulled our freezing, wet bodies over the top of the bank.
Directly below me on the rocky shore was where Feeorin and Fiannar
had sprung from the river and saved us from a horrible fate.

In the light of day it was hard to imagine
the terrible events of less than a day ago. But I would never
forget them. I’d never forget Olivia and Mark and the three
warriors who lost their lives here last night. No one was saying
it, but everyone knew the attack was an attempt to get to me. No
matter what Nikolas had said last night, my conscience felt the
weight of those five lost lives.

I hadn’t seen Jordan yet today, and she
wouldn’t answer when I’d knocked at her door. I’d left her alone to
grieve for Olivia and Mark, knowing there was nothing I could do to
ease her pain. Jordan acted tough all the time, but she had a good
heart. She had not only lost two friends, she’d watched one of them
die. You’d have to have a heart of stone to not be affected by
that.

Movement in the water caught my eye, and I
saw Feeorin’s head break the surface. The kelpie watched me with
his big black eyes, and I smiled wanly at him.

“Thank you,” I called to him. A second later,
he disappeared from sight.

“Who are you talking to, little one?”

I turned to smile at Desmund as he strode
toward me. The warrior’s transformation was astounding. I might
have helped heal him, but the battle last night had awakened
something in him, a fire that had burned low a long time ago. He
walked with a strong, confident swagger, and his eyes seemed to be
lit from within. If a guy could be breathtaking, Desmund was in
that moment.

“Would you believe me if I said I was talking
to a kelpie?”

Desmund reached me and smiled down at me. It
was funny that I had never realized how tall he was. Or maybe he
was just holding himself taller now.

“I would believe anything you say.” He took
one of my hands and rubbed it between his warmer ones. “Why are you
out here alone in the cold?”

I shrugged. “I just needed some fresh
air.”

“And room to breathe,” he added knowingly,
and I nodded. “You have many people who care for you, Sara. You
cannot fault them for worrying about you after last night.”

“I don’t. I just can’t stop thinking that all
of you could have died.” I pressed my lips together to contain the
emotions simmering just below the surface today.

“I’ll have none of that,” he declared
sternly. Tilting my chin, he forced me to look at him. “It does no
good to go back and worry over what did and did not happen.
Warriors die. It is a part of life and you cannot save
everyone.”

I pulled away scowling. “I think I liked you
better when you were trying to throw me out of the library.”

Two weeks ago, he would have been insulted by
that remark. Now he merely chuckled. “You should have thought of
that before you fixed me.”

“How do you . . . ?”

“I began to improve after I met you. I was
too ill at first to make the connection, but when Tristan started
to remark upon my improved health I knew it had to be you. He and I
talked when you were ill, and he said you had healed me but he
didn’t know how.” His eyes seemed distant for a moment before they
focused on me again. “I saw you with that witch last night. He was
afraid of you. I have never seen a Hale witch fear anyone.”

“He’s just a kid and his magic is not very
strong, not like the one – ”

“The one who attacked me?” he finished for
me.

“I was going to say ‘the one who attacked
me
,’” I
corrected him, and his eyes widened. “I had a run-in with my first
Hale witch a few months ago and got a taste of their magic.” I
described my encounter with the witch, and I saw the pain in his
eyes. No one who had not experienced such an attack could ever
understand how it felt. That was one thing Desmund and I would
share for the rest of our lives.

“I felt the sickness in you, but I didn’t
know what it was until Tristan told me what had happened to you.
That was when I knew I had to try to help you, even if I
failed.”

“But when and how did you heal me?”

I stamped my feet to warm them. “When I sat
beside you at the piano I pulled the magic from you into me. It was
pretty nasty stuff. Please, don’t ask me to explain how I did it.
It took a couple of times to get it all.”

He looked away for a long moment, and his
eyes were troubled when they met mine again. “I was not very nice
to you in the beginning. Why would you put yourself through that
for me?”

It stung a little that he questioned my
motives, but he had spent a century pushing people away and it
would probably take him a little while to get used to relationships
again. “Because you’re my friend, Desmund.”

He pulled me toward him and gave me a tender
hug. “You will always have my friendship, little one.” Leaning
back, he grinned devilishly. “Nikolas will come and toss me in the
river if I hold you like this much longer.”

“But you’re gay. Surely, Nikolas knows
nothing is going on between us.”

“That does not matter to a bonded male. He
will not like to see another male embrace his mate . . . or his
mate-to-be. As much as it pains me to say it, he is a good man. I
am happy for you.”

“Thanks.” I blushed and looked away. I hadn’t
seen Nikolas since I fell asleep in his arms last night. He was
gone when I awoke this morning, but sometime during the night he
had carried me to my bed. The indentation on the pillow and my
dreamless sleep were evidence that he had stayed with me all
night.

“Nikolas isn’t even here.” I glanced around
the grounds to be sure, and he was nowhere in sight. I assumed he
was working with Tristan to get things in order today.

Desmund laughed like I had made a joke. “You
do not see him, but he is watching over you, trust me. After last
night, I cannot blame him.” He took my arm and began walking us
back to the main building. “I need a brandy, and you need a warm
fire. What do you say to a game of draughts?”