Redemption (Book 4, The Redemption Series) (17 page)

I let go of my papa and turn to face Linn. She’s standing in the entryway to the room staring at me. From the puffiness around her eyes, I know she’s been crying.

I take in a deep breath and force myself to walk over to her.

What do I say to her? That I’m sorry? That I didn’t mean to kill the man she loved and built a family with? That the man who sent her those roses to gain her attention was no longer a part of our world? Should I beg her forgiveness? Even if I did, why would she give it?

As I stand before Linn, I see Jered standing behind her, and know he was the one who was given the burden of telling her what happened.

“I’m so sorry, Linn,” I say, realizing how imperfect those words sound, and how they don’t come close to conveying the true sorrow I feel. “I don’t know what else to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything else,” Linn says, quickly raising her right hand and slapping me as hard as she can across one cheek.

I close my eyes and begin to cry, but I don’t want to cheat Linn out of her need for vengeance. I look back at her and wait. She raises her left hand and slaps me again before completely breaking down into heart wrenching sobs. Her pain pierces my soul and all I can think to do is hold her. She resists my embrace at first, but then holds onto me like her life depends on it. I don’t try to hold back my own grief because I think Linn needs to be with someone who shares her agony. I mumble things about being sorry and that it was an accident. I’m not sure she hears any of my words clearly, but I think she understands that I share her grief. I don’t pretend to think that my heartache can match hers, but I know I will live with the guilt of Daniel’s death for the rest of my life. Even if Linn eventually tells me she forgives me, I will never be able to forgive myself. The only way I can truly honor Daniel’s memory is to finish my mission. I can’t allow all of his sacrifices to be for nothing.

Eventually, Linn collapses in my arms completely exhausted from crying so hard.

“I’ll take her,” Jered offers.

Jered picks Linn up and cradles her in his arms.

“Where is Bai?” I ask.

“She’s already in bed,” Jered tells me, looking troubled. “The news was too much for her to take. It took both Linn and me to calm her down. Once she did, she cried herself to sleep. Give them some time, Anna. They know you. They know you wouldn’t have done it if you had been thinking straight.”

Jered phases Linn to her bedroom.

I turn to face the men behind me. They all look at a loss. I know they want to help me, but there’s nothing they can do to fix what I’ve done.

“I need some time alone,” I tell them. “I need to clear my head.”

“I’ll be here waiting for you,” Malcolm tells me, understanding that sometimes you just need to be by yourself to sort out your own demons.

“Thank you,” I say, phasing outside to the bench in the courtyard.

Snow is falling. It’s nighttime now and the only light to see by comes from the kitchen at the back of the house. I can see Giles through the window speaking to Vala and holding Luna in his lap. I wonder if Vala knows what I did. I have to assume she does by now. She was never one to miss much that happened around her.

I sit down on the bench and lift my face towards the sky to catch the falling snow. It’s cool comfort helps dissipate the heat from the tears I’ve shed over Daniel’s death. I begin to wonder what he and Millie must think about us down here on Earth. I toy with the idea of phasing to Heaven, wondering if I could see them, but quickly squash that idea for selfish reasons. I’m not sure I’m ready to face them. Millie was older and had lived a mostly full life. But, Daniel was going to ask God to make him human after I completed my mission. That way he could live out his life as a mortal with Linn. I cheated him out of years with his wife and his children. I just couldn’t force myself to face him yet. It was too soon. I needed time.

“God?” I say aloud in the semi-darkness.

“Yes, Anna?”

I look to my left and see God sitting on the bench beside me. I begin to cry again but quietly.

“I’ve made a lot of mistakes,” I confess.

“Most people do,” he says understandingly. “It’s what you do after you recognize the mistakes you’ve made that counts.”

“But I can’t fix these.”

“Not all mistakes are meant to be fixed, Anna. Sometimes you just have to learn from them and move on.”

I shake my head. “I’m not sure I can move on. I killed Daniel, and you might as well lay the blame for Millie’s death on my head too. She never would have been placed in danger if it wasn’t for me.”

“Both of them knew the risks of helping you, Anna. They didn’t go into it blind. Life is filled with various perils. No one is meant to know when it’s their time to die.”

“Can you at least tell me if I’ll succeed in my mission?” I ask. “So I know their deaths weren’t in vain.”

“I’m sorry. There are still too many variables in play to know what the outcome will be. But I have hope that what we've been working towards will come to pass.”

“That’s not a very good pep talk,” I say with a heavy sigh.

“I’ve never been much for telling people only the things they want to hear.”

“I’m fully aware,” I say with a half-laugh.

The guilt over Daniel and Millie’s deaths still plagues my heart, and I’m not sure how to wipe it away.

“If I asked you for forgiveness,” I say, “would you grant it to me?”

“You already have it, Anna,” God says. “But me granting you forgiveness is only half the battle. You have to learn to forgive yourself, which can sometimes be much harder and take much longer.”

“I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to do that,” I admit.

“Those who treasure life often have the hardest time forgiving themselves when they’ve inadvertently caused the deaths of others. It’s not something you should be ashamed of. It’s a noble trait that many of my angels possess. The Watchers were the hardest on themselves for their failures. That’s why it’s taken so long for them to come home to me.”

“Lucifer took the hellhound curse off of Malcolm,” I tell God. As soon as the words leave my mouth, I know what his response will be.

“I know,” God says. “It shows Lucifer can still show compassion, even if it did take a thousand years for him to finally develop it towards Malcolm.”

“And he brought my papa back to me,” I say. “Do you think he’s ready to ask you for forgiveness?”

“I think he’s getting closer,” God says. Yet, I detect a note of hesitancy in his voice.

“But not close enough?” I ask, assuming that is the reason for his uncertainty.

“I simply don’t want to get my hopes up,” God says. “I’ve waited a long time for my first son to come back to me. He can only do that of his own free will. Of all my angels, Lucifer is the strongest willed. Seraphina, of course, was a close second.”

I have to smile at that statement.

“Can I ask you a question that’s been bothering me?”

“You can ask me anything, Anna.”

“Why did you make the seals in the first place? Why bring that much evil into the world?”

“The seals were made to keep balance in the universe,” God explains. “They were designed to absorb the overflow of hate and discord as well as love and harmony in the universe to keep the scales of good versus evil in equilibrium. Unfortunately, it’s easier for most people to hate than it is to love. So, the balance was corrupted and the seals ended up absorbing an inordinate amount of hate. While they’ve been attached to the souls of the princes, the level of hate they’ve been subjected to has multiplied over the years. Now, that imbalance needs to be corrected.”

“I’ll get them all back,” I say, feeling my stubborn side kick in. “I won’t let you down.”

“I never thought you would,” God tells me. “And, Anna, remember to always look at the bigger picture. Don’t become so focused on one goal that you lose sight of others.”

“What is that supposed to mean exactly?”

God grins and winks at me. “You’ll figure it out when the time comes.”

“Anna.”

I look up and see Lucifer standing in front of us. He’s staring straight at me like he’s purposely not acknowledging God’s presence.

“Is something wrong?” I ask him, standing up.

“Not exactly, but if you don’t want to have to replace the floor in the sitting room, you might want to go back in and let Malcolm know you’re all right. He’s pacing back and forth so fast I think he’s stripped some of the varnish off already.”

I have to smile at the imagery. I turn to God.

“Thank you for coming,” I tell Him. “I needed your council.”

“As I’ve said before, all you have to do is call to me, and I will come.”

I look back at Lucifer and see him now staring hard at God. I sense that he might even want to talk to Him.

“I’ll go in and see if I can save my floor,” I tell Lucifer, brushing my hand against one of his arms as I walk past him back towards the house.

When I reach the backdoor, I turn around to look over my shoulder and see Lucifer still standing in front of God. He didn’t just phase away after I left, which is a good sign. I literally cross my fingers and pray this means my father is finally ready to talk things out with his own father.

As I close the door behind me, I faintly hear God say, “Would you sit with me for a moment, Lucifer?”

I’m not sure what happens after that because I close the door, giving my father the privacy he deserves.

Chapter 16

(From Lucifer’s Point of View)

As I look down at my father, I’m acutely aware of the irony in the act. For a long time now, I’ve seen Him as someone who was beneath me. I’ve hated Him for more years than I care to count. But now, as I look at Him, I’m reminded of the moments we spent together before the war. Things weren’t always this strained between us. There was a time when we would talk to one another for days on end and lose ourselves in philosophical conversations. I would never willingly admit it to Him, but there have been moments during my exile when I yearned to speak with Him again, if for nothing else than to have a conversation that didn't bore me to death.

I quickly found out that very few people on Earth were worth my time. I noticed most humans loved to go on and on about themselves and their petty little problems. Jessica was one of the few whom I could have a decent conversation with. She was at least someone I could talk to and not feel like I was conversing with a complete idiot. Amalie and I used to talk all through the night sometimes as we lay in bed together. I treasured her thoughts, feelings, and laughter like no one else in my life. The hole she left in my heart when she died was like a vacuous void never to be refilled.

“Would you sit with me for a moment, Lucifer?”

I look into my father’s beseeching eyes. I know what He desires most from me, but I’m not sure if I’m ready to give it. My hate for Him has been all consuming at times. But, to see Him now, looking so vulnerable, almost like He's afraid I will deny Him this one visit is disconcerting.

I don’t say anything. I simply sit down on the other side of the bench and wait for Him to speak.

But He doesn’t say anything. He simply sits there with His eyes closed as though He’s in deep thought.

“Was there a point to you asking me to sit down with you?” I ask Him, becoming aggravated with His continued silence. “Is there something you wish to discuss?”

Finally, He opens His eyes and looks over at me.

“I was simply enjoying your presence,” my father tells me with a melancholy smile. “It’s been a long time since I felt it. I’ve missed being this close to you, Lucifer.”

I quickly look away from Him because I don’t feel like I deserve the love I see in His eyes for me.

“I don’t understand how you can say that,” I tell Him, feeling uncomfortable with His open display of affection. “You know the things I’ve done down here. How can you even bear to look at me?”

“Because when I look at you, all I see is my son. I know all the evil things you’ve done in your life, Lucifer, but I also know all of the good that came before that.”

“I haven’t done much good since you banished me here,” I scoff, thinking my father may have finally gone senile. “Or do I need to recount all the terrible things I’ve done to your precious humans during my time in this world?”

“No, I don’t need you to remind me, Lucifer,” my father says in a tone filled with resignation. “But I know the things you’ve done were all out of your misguided belief that I love the human race more than my angels, more than you. I hoped that by living among them you would find the beauty in their souls like I did. When you first formed a friendship with Jess, I thought perhaps you might be ready to change your ways. I was able to glimpse the Lucifer I once knew again whenever you were with her.”

“Well,” I say crossing my arms in front of my chest, “I guess you shouldn’t have tried to use her to get to me. You’re meddling completely ended whatever friendship we might have had. Didn’t exactly work out the way you wanted it to, did it?”

“I gave her your crown in hopes that you would understand I wanted you back by my side. I knew it was a risk, but she wanted it for you just as much as I did. She wanted you to find happiness again, to finally give your soul some peace. Why is it so hard for you to allow yourself to be happy, Lucifer?”

“I am happy,” I grumble, knowing the words are a lie, but agreeing with my father is something I’m not accustomed to, not even when He’s right.

“I’ve seen you happy,” my father tells me. “You were happy with Amalie. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you happier in Heaven or on Earth than during the time you were able to spend with her.”

“Then why did you take her away from me?” I ask, allowing my hatred for my father to emerge and take control of my words. “She was everything to me! And yet, you deemed it necessary for her to die in order to give birth to Anna. How exactly did you show your love for me by doing that?”

“I took no joy in her death,” my father says. “It hurt me more than you will ever know to watch you suffer after her passing. I hoped you would take an interest in your daughter and keep your connection with Amalie alive through her. I guess you did in your own way, but not in the way I wanted for you. I’m happy to see that you’ve finally forged the type of relationship with Anna that you and I used to share, and the one you used to have with Seraphina.”

“I would never take Malcolm away from Anna like you took Amalie away from me,” I say heatedly. “I may not like
him
, but I love
her
enough not to put her through that kind of misery. Yet, you felt no compunction about ripping the one person I loved in this world out of my life forever. I don't think I can ever forgive you for that, even if I wanted to.”

“Lucifer,” my father pleads, “I didn’t take her away from you. It was simply her time to die. You know that I don't interfere with the natural order of things. I never have. Amalie knew the risks of giving birth to Anna. Yet, she chose Anna’s life above her own. She wanted to give you the gift of loving a child born from your love for one another. Why didn’t you take the opportunity she gave you? Why did you decide Anna would be better off not knowing you? Sometimes, I think you forget that you can love just as fiercely as you can hate.”

“But, how was I supposed to raise Anna when all I could feel
was
my hate?” I demand. “Do you think Amalie would have wanted that for our baby? Do you think she would have wanted me to twist Anna’s mind and corrupt her soul to a point where she was just like me?”

“No, I don’t,” God says, “I think Amalie wanted you to love Anna as much or even more than you did her. There is no stronger bond than that between a parent and a child. I think you understand that now. I’ve seen the way you look at Anna. She embodies everything that is good about you, Lucifer. She is a mirror of what you once were and what you could be again if you would only let go of your hate. Why can't you see that?”

I fall silent because I don't understand how my father can think such a thing about me. Anna personified everything I loved about Amalie, but was my father right? Did she also represent what had been good about me once upon a time?

“Why would you allow Seraphina to become human?” I ask, shaking my head in dismay. “Why would you allow her to give up her place in Heaven?”

“You ask that like I had a choice in the matter.”

I look over at my father and know exactly what He’s saying.

“I suppose that’s true,” I agree. “She was always extremely stubborn. I see that same trait in Anna as well.”

“Seraphina loved you beyond reason,” my father says, sounding in awe of my heavenly daughter’s devotion to me. “She was willing to give up everything she knew in order to have a chance to bring you home.
That
is true love, Lucifer. Would you make her sacrifice for nothing?”

“Are you trying to guilt me into asking you for forgiveness?” I ask incredulously.

“No,” my father says, “I would never try to trick you in that way. You already have my forgiveness. It’s been there for you to take for eons. It’s you who chooses not to accept it.”

“I don’t need it,” I tell him, feeling self-righteous in my refusal to accept anything from Him. “And I certainly don’t need you.”

My father sits silently after my declaration.

Finally, He says in a quiet voice, “I hope, for your sake, you never have to hear those same words from your own child.”

I turn my head to look at my father and watch as tears of sorrow slide down His cheeks.

I’m taken aback by His physical display of grief at my harsh and hasty words. It makes me think about what my own response would be if Anna ever said something so cruel and heartless to me.

“Father, I…” But I can’t take my words back, not now. It would show a weakness on my part that I refuse to admit to. His pain does affect me, but I can never let Him know that. And I’m simply too proud to say I’m sorry.

“I will always love you, Lucifer,” my father say, a hitch in His voice. “And I will never let go of my hope that someday you will come back to me. I can’t let go of it because if I do I will have nothing to live for. I would end up walking the halls of Heaven as an empty shell for all eternity. I know there is still good in you. If there wasn’t, you would have opened the seals on Earth already.”

“You know why I haven’t opened them here in the Origin,” I say.

“Yes, I do. And it’s been a great source of hope for me, my son.”

I look away from my father because I can’t bear to see the pain I’m causing Him. I’ve lived with hating Him for so long I almost forgot that deep down inside I still love Him. He brought me into this world and loved me with all His heart. He nurtured me and encouraged me to be the best that I could be. If it weren’t for Him, I would never have made Seraphina and known the joys of fatherhood. I treated her the same as He did me. I gave her all my love and support and encouraged her to stretch herself beyond her boundaries. In the end, I know simple jealousy made me turn my back on the people I cared about most.

I was jealous of the human race because they took away the people I loved. Each of them became consumed in their new little pets to the point where nothing else mattered. And when my father decided the Guardians of the Guf should stop making souls for angels, well, it was the last straw for me. I couldn’t stand idly by and allow the humans to rule over us. My pride wouldn’t allow for it.

“Father, I…” I begin to say again, but when I turn to look back at Him, all I see is an empty space.

It’s just as well. I’m not sure what I was going to say anyway.

I allow myself some time to just sit and think. It’s been a long time since I did those two simple things. I’ve been a man of scheming and conniving during my long imprisonment on this planet, forced to live among the humans and watch them day by day. I think back through the many years I’ve spent here, of all the lives I’ve ruined and ended. I begin to feel an emotion I never thought those memories would stir inside me, regret.

During the time Amalie and I were together, I ceased my evil ways for her because I never wanted her to be ashamed of giving her love to someone like me. Her love was so pure and strong. It was the first time in all my years as a fallen angel that I thought I could change. I would have lived the way she wanted us to for as long as she remained alive. But happily ever after was never dealt in the cards that were handed to us, only death and endless separation.

Now, with Anna and me growing closer, I feel as though I’m being given a second chance at a different life. I want to become a part of her family and watch her blossom into the woman, the leader, I know she will become one day. Yes, she’s strong now, but I see an enduring strength inside her that no one else does. She will change the world she lives in by the strength of her will alone.

I will never tell her this, but I’m glad she has Malcolm by her side. I still consider him an imbecile but at least he’s one who will always put her needs before his own. It’s the best a father can hope for in a husband for his daughter. When Malcolm offered to go to Hell with me to get Anna back, I knew in that moment that he truly
did
love her. She wasn’t just one of many female conquests he’d had in his life. She was his true soulmate, and I understood what that kind of love felt like. There was nothing I wouldn’t have done for Amalie. Even her request for me to take care of Anna was something that I tried my best to follow through with. I knew Anna wouldn’t thrive with me. So, I did what I thought best and let her be raised by Andre. I placed Christopher as her silent guardian and made my yearly visits to her when she was a child. I felt that anything else would simply be an unnecessary interference in her life.

I wasn’t good enough to be her father. Her life was much better off not knowing me until now. Yet, knowing all that, I still wonder how different my life would have been if I had kept her with me. Would I have completely changed my ways to be a good role model for her to follow? Did I simply cheat myself out of a happiness Amalie was sure I would experience raising our child?

I shake my head. Those questions are pointless. There is no way to go back and change the past, and I wasn’t even sure I wanted to if I could. If I did, Anna might not be the person she is today. She surpassed my wildest expectation for her. She is strong, smart, and has a will power beyond anyone else I have ever met. I believe she is the woman Amalie wanted her to become.

I stand from the bench, not knowing exactly where to go. I don’t want to intrude on Anna’s time with Malcolm. If anyone can help heal her heart, it’s him. I shake my head again. Who would have thought Malcolm and I could find any common ground to form a relationship on? The idea seems almost laughable if it weren’t already true. I may always think of him as a big oaf, but there was no doubt in my mind that he made my daughter happy. And isn’t that all a father truly wants for his child? For them to find unending happiness and joy in life.