Redemption (Book 3) The Fixer Series (13 page)

She looked over her shoulder and gave me a glaring look.  I knew she was kidding, but I played along. 

"Wench, eh?  I'll show you a wench.  Since you say I'm the one that's good in bed, maybe you should be fixing me a plate, or better yet a sandwich, while I sit my ass on that chair," she said, pointing at the bar stool. 

"You know that I'd make you a sandwich anytime,
Princess.  All you have to do is ask."

"I know,
Cowboy," she said, placing my plate in front of me and kissing me on the forehead.  "Just remember,
this
wench loves you, so pretend like you're enjoying the food."

"I always do, don't I?"

"What's that?  Enjoy the food or pretend to be enjoying it?"

"Exactly!"

"You're such a shit, Dylan."

"I know.  That's what you love about me."

"Among many other things.  Oh...I almost forgot to tell you.  Mandy sent me a text earlier today.  She wants me to have lunch with her tomorrow and told me to bring a hot guy with me."

"How did we just go from you loving me, to Mandy
, to a hot guy?"

"Don't get too excited,
Cowboy.  That is never gonna happen.  I don't share!"

"I was only kidding.   I think you should meet her for lunch, but sadly, I won't be able to join you, because I have a team meeting tomorrow."

"Not you, silly.  I was thinking that maybe Alexi could come with me instead of Tristan.  I think she might like him, what do you think?"

"I think that you shouldn't be trying to play matchmaker.  Have you talked to Alexi about this?"

"No.  I haven't really seen him around since we got back, but I know he's still here, because I overheard Tristan talking to him the other day."

"You're right, he's here.  I've been having him work on some things at the office, security
- wise.  Since tomorrow is going to be full of meetings, I won't get to talk to him much, so I guess I could have him escort you to lunch for a couple of hours."

"Perfect!  I think she'll like him, and hey, what's not to like about Mandy, right?"

I took a deep breath and continued eating my food.  Mandy was nothing but trouble, but she was also my wife's best friend, and I had to respect that.   Poor Alexi was in for one hell of a ride. 

CHAPTER 13

Brooke

I watched him sleep as I lay there unable to find my own restful peace.  My mind raced as I tried to think of everything I wanted to say in the letter that Dr. Marks had asked me to write to Thomas.  It was a chapter in my life that I
wanted closed.  And I knew that the longer I put off facing it head on, the more Dylan and I would suffer.  

I turned to my side and faced the window where Dylan had made love to me the night before, th
inking about what his reaction would be if he really knew the truth about me.  I'd always been filled with self-doubt, never fully being able to accept the fact that it was really possible for a man to love me, because I was so deeply damaged.  It wasn't just what I needed to say to Thomas that weighed on my mind though, but also what had happened while I was held at Kristof's compound. 

A tear escaped my eye as I remembered those past events in my life.  I took a deep breath and crawled out of bed and went into Dylan's office and shut the door behind me.  I sat there quietly for a few moments, inhaling his sweet scent that I loved so much.
  I had a plan, one that those closest to me would never approve of, but would finally bring me closure, once and for all. 

I opened the top drawer on Dylan's desk, searching for a pad of paper and a pen, but came up empty.  What I found was paperwork, lots and lots of paperwork.  Amidst the chaos in the drawer was a copy of our marriage license.  I pulled it out, remembering the day I'd vowed forever with him.  It was the happiest day of my life. 
I folded the paper back up and put it back in its place. 

I opened the next drawer down, and covered my mouth with my hand, when I saw the loaded 9mm Smith and Wesson laying there. 
I always figured that he had a gun hidden somewhere in the house, but I had imagined it being locked somewhere safe.  This...this was right out in the open, ready for the taking by anyone who wanted it. 
I wanted it.

I pulled the gun out of the drawer and quietly opened the door, peeking out to make sure no one was lurking in the dark.  I walked into the kitchen
and turned on the overhead light, so I didn't draw attention to myself.  I grabbed a paper towel and gently wrapped it around my new friend and placed it in my purse.  Grabbing a drink of water, I zipped my handbag closed and set it on the floor, before turning off the light and heading back into the office.

Plan number one, done.

I continued to search through the drawers until I found some paper and a pen.  I took a deep breath and began writing.

Dear Dylan,

Dr. Marks has given me this homework assignment in an effort to help me deal with my issues from childhood.  He wants me to write this letter to Thomas, but I have decided to write the letter to you. 

You may be wondering why I've chosen to write to you
, instead of that shit bag.  I'm doing it for a couple of reasons.  Number one, because I don't ever plan on sharing this letter with him and two, because there are things that you need to know.  Things that I should have told you long ago, but I couldn't find the strength, because I was too ashamed and felt that I wasn't worthy of being loved by anyone, let alone you. 

You have shown me nothing but unconditional love,
and no matter how much I fuck up, you're always there.  You are the one that deserves an explanation, not Thomas.  You are the one I trust with my feelings and I hope that you will be able to forgive me and still love me after what I tell you. 

I know you were upset with me for being rude to my mother, but the moment I returned home, I couldn't help but not wan
t to see her.  I was anxious about what life might be like after being gone for so long.  I know that you missed out as well, but you had a choice and you chose to stay back in Ireland.  I didn't have that choice where I was. 

Seeing my mother was a constant reminder of what I was trying to avoid upon my return.  My past.  The more time I spent around her, the angrier I became.  I'm sure you've figured out by now that there are many secrets in my family. 
I was taught to be a good girl, get good grades, go to church and to keep my mouth shut about our family affairs.  This was something I was taught by her.  She hated confrontation, which was why she allowed Thomas to treat me the way he did.  Over the years, I learned to make excuses for her, denying the fact that she knew what was going on under her own roof.  She knew. 

For years
, he treated me like shit, and as I grew into an adult, the insults only got worse.  As everyone around us has witnessed.  I know you've wanted to beat the shit out of him on several occasions, but have held yourself back from doing it for my sake.  I love you for that.  Not for holding back, for the simple fact, that you respect and love me enough to control your temper.

My home life was anything but pleasant.  I lived with an alcoholic father that liked to belittle me any time he was given the chance, which was all the time.  There were times when I would be sitting at the kitchen table doing homework, would have a
question, and be told that I was stupid because I couldn't figure it out on my own.  But whenever Stephanie had a question, she wasn't subjected to the same reaction.  I suppose my sister lived in her own hell by having to watch all of this as she grew up.  I can't speak for her, only for myself, but in conversations that I've had with her, I can only assume the effect on her was just as damaging. 

I endured years of mental, emotional and sexual abuse by a man that I called my father.  When my mother
was gone at work, he would lock me in closets for long hours and then beat me if I cried.  I learned quickly to shut off my emotions for fear that he might one day kill me.  The worst was when he was drinking, and no one was in the house.  Steph would be at a friend's house, my mom at work, but me, I was left at home to deal with a monster.  Anything he wanted, he took.  And, I mean... anything.  He didn't care how I felt and I learned to just deal with it. 

You see
, Dylan, being raped repeatedly by someone you loved and trusted causes a person not to trust or be able to accept love from someone who genuinely offers it.  When I first met you, I had reservations about us, because I was afraid of my feelings for you.  I was sure that you didn't love me.  How could you?  Everything I'd been taught about love was seriously skewed.  But then,when we made love for the first time, I felt it.  I felt how much you wanted and loved me, and it scared the living hell out of me.  Yet, I was so completely comfortable in your touch.  I'd never had anyone make me feel the way you did.   Your controlling ways should have scared the shit of me, but instead, I found comfort in them...in you. 

I am so incredibly fucked up, but I know now that I am worthy of your love and I thank you for making me understand that. 
I know I should have told you sooner, but I was embarrassed and ashamed.  I lived with nothing but guilt and blamed myself for years, until that day when I saw my mother after we'd returned.  I know I lost it, but I was filled with so much pain inside and it had nothing to do with you, it was me.  I don't know, Dylan, maybe it had something to do with being pregnant and losing our baby that made me realize how shitty my parents are.  I would have died for our child and I know you would have, too.  Neither of us would have never done anything to harm such a precious gift. 

Seeing my mother ignited my anger and I didn't feel like a precious gift to her.  She should have left the monster the minute he started abusing us.  She may not have know
n about the sexual abuse, because I never told her, but she knew about the physical,yet she chose to stay and allow it to continue.  I can honestly say to you, that if you ever harmed one of our babies, I would leave you.  Just as I would expect you to leave me. 

But that's not all, Dylan.   There is also the matter of when I was kidnapped. 
I went through things that weren't even humanly imaginable.  I was locked in a dark cell, and that is where I spent my days and nights, unless the guards came to get me for training.  They kept me drugged and would feed me an apple a day.  That was how they controlled us.  If we behaved, we were allowed to eat an apple, and if we didn't do what we were told, we went hungry. 

There was a woman in a cell next to me, and when I wasn't drugged, she and I would talk. 
I remembered her, because it Amber Martinelli.  She explained that she worked with the F.B.I. and they were trying to take down an underground sex ring, which is what she and I had become victims of.  There were many times when she kept me from losing my mind, but as my training progressed, I lost sight of who I was and the ability to remember my past. 

I know that you've witnessed my nightmares, the ones that keep both you and I up at night.  Every night
, it's the same dream.  I hear a woman screaming and crying in pain, and I always assume it's Amber that I'm hearing, but the truth is, Dylan, the woman is...me.

You see
, long before I became Kristof's slave, I had to endure hours of training.  It was long, painful and dark.  I was thrown into a world that I didn't even know existed.  I would fantasize at first that you were there with me, until you became a distance memory and I didn't know who you were, anymore.  I was tied up, gagged and whipped several times a day, until I became so submissive that I would do anything for anyone that I was given to.  I was forced to have sex with other men that were part of the training camp.  I don't know if they were slaves, too, or if they were there on their own accord. 

I never wanted to do it or be a part of that world.  I only wanted to be with you.  There are secrets that you keep from me, believing that you are protecting me from the evils of my past, but
, Dylan...I know what they are.  You see, I met your father during my stay in Prague.  I didn't know who he was at the time, because I'd been pumped so full of drugs that nobody looked familiar to me, anymore.  It wasn't until I was in the hospital, when they were cleansing my system that I remembered who he was.  I can only imagine how upset you must be as you read this, but I want you to know, that nothing ever happened with him.  The day that you and Tristan arrived to rescue me, I saw him, once again.  He had been visiting some of the other girls that were at the palace.  When I left and went to the bathroom, I accidentally ran into him and he was pissed that I was roaming around, instead of in the room pleasing the guests, which was you and Tristan.  Knowing what I do now, he had no clue that it was you in that room with me. 

I have overheard conversations between you and Tristan, regarding what happened that day.  I know that you killed you
r father in an effort to save me.  I can't imagine the guilt you must feel or the resentment you have toward me, but I will be forever grateful to you for risking it all, just to get me out of there.  I have heard your struggles in your sleep, regarding how you will tell your mother what happened on that day.  Dylan, you have to tell her as she has a right to know, and you must remember that she, too, was living a lie. It wasn't just you.