Reckless Abandon (7 page)

Ashby walks to the couch and sits next to me. “I’d hate to think what could have happened if Adrian wasn’t there.”
             

“Yeah, I know, Dad.” I sigh as I rest my head on his shoulder. He doesn’t correct me on calling him Dad. I need him to just be my dad right now.

“So have you and Adrian been spending a lot of time together since then?” Raven asks.

“He was here a lot last week, but we haven’t seen much of each other this week. He’s not contracted with DROP anymore, so we won’t be seeing each other at work. I still want to spend time with him.”

She sighs. “He’s a good boy, November, always has been.” Raven and Ashby share a look over my shoulder. They’re being less colorful than usual.

“Guys, what’s going on? You’re being weird...normal.”

Raven’s eyes mist over.

“Seriously, Mom, what is it?” I sit forward.

“I feel like some of this is my fault. I encouraged you ...”

“You encouraged me to listen to my gut. I did. I really feel like I loved Bo, but it was more of a firework than anything else. It was hot, heavy, and just too fast. I learned a lot about myself. It’s OK, promise.
”
I gulp when I realize that I now completely believe the things I’m saying about the end of our relationship. Maybe I’m right after all, it was just a fling.

“OK, Honey. You seem like you’re doing fine. I just want to make sure you’re not bottling it all up.” Ashby knows my bottling tendencies.

“I really am OK. Where are you guys off to now?” I hope a change of topic brightens the heavy mood.

“Well,” my dad’s tone abides, “we’ll be in town through the weekend, but then we’re heading out to San Diego. Six wants to hit the studio again.”

“Are you fucking serious?” I half-laugh at the thought of my parents and their friends in the studio once again.

“Watch your mouth,” my mom teases, “and, yes, we’re serious. We’re all at a point in our lives when our kids are out of the house, and we have experienced a lot more life than the last time we recorded.”

“Well, if you’re going to be here tomorrow do you want to come to Finnegan’s and hear me sing?”

My parents smile and hug me simultaneously. “We’d love to! Now, we’ll get going so you can have some quiet time with Adrian. See you tomorrow, hun. Oh, Ember!” Raven interrupts her own exit. “Yoga tomorrow morning on the beach, just me and you.” She smiles.

“Was that a question or an invitation?
”
I lean against the doorframe.

“Neither, see you then.” She kisses my cheek and turns away.

Raven and Ashby walk hand-in-hand away from the apartment. I hear them say good-bye to Adrian, who is walking up the stairs. Suddenly my heart is racing, and I feel warm all over. I could use a yoga session right about now. When Adrian enters my apartment, he seems to study the look on my face—I’m sure I’m as red as I can be.

“Did they leave on my account?” he asks as he crosses the threshold.

“Sort of,” I barely let out. My throat is suddenly scratchy. I take a step back and dig my hands into my back pockets.

Adrian’s espresso-colored eyes steam into mine as he blindly closes the door behind him. I’m sure the lights are dimming; the charge between us is audible. Fireflies of memories illuminate my living room. Each flicker begs, “Go.” My heart gallops me forward as a heavy sigh takes the reins. Almost on command, he meets me halfway. Lightning’s been striking around us for weeks, and until now I’ve been running for cover. I can’t deny his pull any longer. Our mouths collide, his tongue tentatively tasting my lips before I open my mouth and let him all the way in.

“My God,” he whispers as he pulls back for a brief second. His hand glides up the back of my neck and tightens through my hair as we resume our kiss.

Five years burns like wildfire between us as my hands run along his sharp jaw line and hold his face in place. This feels so good I don’t want it to end. Our tongues dance, reacquainting themselves after their foolish separation.

“Mmm,” is all I can manage as his hand finds the skin on my lower back. 

We’re all hands and tongues in the entryway of my apartment. I gently lower my heels to the floor, and Adrian bows toward me in response. My hands snake around his neck and my hand locks around my other wrist. I’m not letting him go. Adrian strokes his hands over my back pockets and nudges me up on my tiptoes once again. I pour all I have—all my gratitude, all my loneliness, all my longing—into this kiss.

He was there for me. He stood stoic and let me fight my own battle with Bo—he didn’t try to dash in and save the day. He was there for the aftermath, sure, but he knows I’m no damsel. Adrian gets me. Just as our breathing turns to primal moans, he pulls away and rests his forehead on mine, placing his shaky hands on my shoulders.

“I’ve waited five years to do that again. I can’t believe I almost lost you to someone else before I had a chance to get you back,” he heaves through ragged breath.

He wants me back. He’s always wanted me back. The speech he gave me on the beach two weeks ago about him loving me when we were together wasn’t a lie. This is real. I press forward once more, attaching my swollen lips to his. I step back with intention, and he follows me to the couch without pulling away from my mouth. 

As we sit, I’m suddenly unsure how to proceed. Ad
rian and I have slept together. 
A lot.
  But, it’s been five years. We’ve had partners in the meantime...multiple partners. I’m fresh out of what could turn out to be the most heartbreaking experience of my life, and yet I can’t seem to shake the feeling that my panties are searching for the emergency exit in my jeans. It’s my turn to pull away. He doesn’t fight it.

“Why didn’t you tell me how you felt when we got together at Finnegan’s, Adrian?” I know the answer.

“You were distant that night. I could tell you were keeping something from me, or at the very least, you were just on guard.”

Yep, that’s the answer.

We sit in silence for a few moments as our breathing finds even footing. Adrian grabs my hand. “Now what?” he asks.

I squeeze his in muted response. “This. This is a good start.” I nuzzle my head between his neck and collarbone. Adrian releases my hand and runs his through my hair as I continue. “You weren’t planning on driving back home tonight, were you?” I look into his eyes and watch them scan my face.

“I was going to.”

“Don’t. Stay here tonight.”

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea ...” he trails off.

“I’m not asking you t
o
slee
p
with me. I just want you to sleep next to me. I feel good with you, Adrian. There’s no pretense, no nonsense.”

He
kisses the top of my head. “It
is
easy, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, it’s easy.”

I’m not in the mood to set ground rules with Adrian, and he doesn’t seem to need the discussion either.
See?  Easy
. After a few minutes, we head to bed. He sleeps under the covers this time, with his bare chest against my back, and a tight arm hooked around my waist.

Chapter Seven

My phone wakes me too early for a Saturday morning. Adrian groans something unintelligible as he releases his grip on my waist so I can blindly answer the phone.

“Hello?”

A husky voice startles me fully awake. “I’m sorry, did I wake you up?”

Bo. Facepalm.

“Yeah, you did. It’s Saturday morning. What’s going on?” I swing my legs over the side of the bed and make my way to the kitchen, where I fumble with the coffee—spilling half the bag on the floor. “Shit.”

“What?”

“Spilled coffee all over my kitchen. What’s going on, Bo? Do you need something?” I ask with irritation.

“Are you free tonight?”

What the hell?

“What the hell do you mean? Is something going on with DROP?”

“No, nothing like that. I wanted to know if you want to get together tonight.”

“Wait, what? I’m sorry, did you not understand our conversation in the diner?” My volume has caused Adrian to walk into the hallway. I motion for him to be quiet.

“I did, and I also told you I wasn’t going to stop trying to make this right, November.” His voice has taken on a sharp edge.

“Look, we’re working together, and I’m choosing to play by the rules. If that’s going to be difficult for you then I can work with my boss to take me off the project.” Adrian’s eyebrows shoot up as I speak.

“Please don’t do that. Damn it. I’m sorry, November. What can I do to show you that I’m sorry?”

“You can respect me enough to leave this alone. I’ll see you next Wednesday.” I end the call and toss my phone carelessly on the counter.

I’m angry. I’m frustrated. There are coffee grounds all over the place. I bend down to start sweeping them up, and Adrian squats into my eye line. I take a deep breath and sit cross-legged on the kitchen floor.

“Cavanaugh?” He joins me on the floor with bent knees.

“Yeah. He insists on making this right, whatever the hell that means.”

“What do you want?”

“Are you kidding me? I want to do my job. I want to pretend that the last two weeks happened years ago, or not at all. I want to spend the day with you, and sing tonight ...” I trail off as I shake my head.

Hearing Bo’s voice doesn’t screw me up emotionally like it did a few days ago. It angers me. I haven’t a clue as to why he’s still pursuing something with me when we’re working together. It doesn’t make sense. It pisses me off that he’s willing to put my career in jeopardy.
Once again
.

“Want me to have a talk with him?” Adrian extends his hand to me as he stands, I accept.

“Get over yourself,” I joke. As I stand, my phone rings again. “Seriously?” I huff as I head toward the counter. “Hello?”

“Sweetie, it’s Raven.”
Good sweet lord
.

“Hey Mom, what’s up?”

“You’re becoming awfully flexible with the ‘mom’ term, don’t you think?” she states flatly.

“Yeah, and you’re becoming awfully flexible with calling me during hours when most people are sleeping.” Adrian shakes his head and takes the broom from my hand and starts cleaning up the coffee grounds as I co
ntinue this back-and-forth with
Raven
.

“It’s getting lat
e, get your butt to the beach.”
Yoga. Shit
.

“Crap, I forgot. I’m sorry. Now, when you say ‘beach,’ at what plot of sand in the nearly 560 miles of Cape Cod coastline am I supposed to find you?” I grin and Adrian smacks my butt with the dustpan.

“Don’t be a smartass, November. Meet me at our usual spot.”
Click.

It’s true. We have a usual spot for this sort of thing. And, unfortunately, it’s the same spot I played my guitar at sunrise two weeks ago. I wish myself good luck as Adrian pretends to sweep me out the door. He’s got his computer with him, as always, and will do work while I’
m cleansing my aura with Raven.
Super
.

* * *

“Root your feet in the sand, Sweetie,” Raven instructs as I slip off my Chacos.

“I’m familiar with the process,” I grumble.

“Clearly you haven’t been keeping up on your practice. Start in Tadasana,” she scolds in a meditative tone.
She’s already in the zone.

Raven flows through the sequences, and I realize how long it’s been since I’ve centered myself in any way. I’m off-balance and uncomfortable. I feel like a beginner.
In more ways than one.

“You’re struggling...just breathe, Honey. Adho Mukha Svanasana,” Raven dips her head gracefully.

“I don’t speak Sanskrit.”

“Downward Facing Dog, Ember, just do it.”

As soon as my heels find the sand and my hips find the sun, the tears come. Peppering the soft sand, they cloud my vision. She leaves us head-down for longer than necessary and, for that, I’m grateful. I feel the last two weeks wring from my body like a saturated washcloth and I want to leave it all in the sand. It’s clear that Bo isn’t forgiving himself for what happened between us. Two weeks ago I wanted him to see my bloody face every day in his mind. Suddenly, I don’t want that for him. I’ve mulled over the entire situation for long enough.

I still have questions, but I don’t care if they’re ever answered. Some of them can’t be answered. Regardless of what’s happening with Adrian, I want peace for Bo. He’s been through enough in his life and doesn’t need a bitter ex-girlfriend spitting all over his efforts. We’re in each other’s lives for the foreseeable future, and I want that to be as pleasant as possible, while retaining solid emotional boundaries. I almost regret the tone I used with him on the phone this morning, but I still feel it was the only way for me to reassert that we can’t be a “we” again. Raven hears me sniff.

“Now we’re getting somewhere...Utkatasana ...” Her breath and her voice are one.