Rebel Rockstar (4 page)

I
spend
the next few days gearing up for my first cruise ship concert. I hadn’t been looking forward to it to start with, knowing that I would have to calm down the onstage behavior that has made me so popular—no more crotch-grabbing, swearing, or tearing off my t-shirt to give the ladies a show—but the more I rehearse my new clean-cut performance, the more I see that it’s actually kind of exciting, making it all about the music. Without all of my showboating, I have to really put effort into making the songs sound great. It’s a brand-new arena for me, but it’s a challenge I’m surprisingly enjoying.

“Not bad, Nate.” Paul actually sounds impressed as he yells his praise at me. “Just remember, this is all about a better-behaved you. I want this to go so well that no one even remembers the name of Mindy fucking Hall, okay?”

Why did I allow myself to get carried away? Mindy would be the goddamn death of me.
The worst part is, I can barely even remember being anywhere near her!

“Sure.” I smile sweetly, trying to disguise my bitter innermost thoughts. I know this is my own fault, really, but that doesn’t make any of it easier. I feel like I’m being punished for a night out that I can’t even recall.

If only Jem hadn’t dumped me. If only she would tell me what was wrong.
Even now, she’s shut off. She
still
won’t open up. Of course, it doesn’t help that she saw Tonya’s little show. She hasn’t even looked at me since then.

“So get out there tonight, and make some God damn magic!” Paul pats me on the back in a way that makes me far more annoyed than I should be.

I go back to my room and slump down on the bed in despair. I don’t know what to do about any of this. I feel like a real mess. Now that Jem’s in my mind again, an all-encompassing sadness hits me hard. I can’t just reach out and touch her. I want to be able to concentrate on what’s to come, what with this career-changing (hopefully improving) concert, but I can’t. All that’s in my mind is Jem, and that sad look she gave me when she saw Tonya all over me.

It was heartbreaking.

The truth is that I’d been with Tonya a while back, but we’d never been compatible—even from the start. It was a young love…no, definitely not love, lust—and we’d been far too immature and naive to be able to negotiate it. Our fling had fizzled out, and we’d broken up long before I even laid my eyes on Jem, but I’d always felt Tonya’s presence there, watching us. It didn’t help that she was on the same management team as we were. It made her kind of unavoidable. I hadn’t told Jem that we’d been together at first because I didn’t want her to feel any unnecessary jealousy, but then it became too difficult to say out loud. Luckily she’d never managed to find out, but now, in this claustrophobic cruise ship, I find myself wondering for the very first time if I’d made the right decision. I feel like it’s a dirty secret that could come out at any moment.

Ugh, my mind is in a whirlwind, and I
really
need a stiff drink. More than ever before.

I stomp over to the minibar, but of course there are only cans of soda—I remember now. No booze. Paul’s rule. How the hell can anyone survive under these barbaric conditions? What I wouldn’t give for a swig of vodka or whiskey right now…

But then again, that’s the sort of behavior that put me in this position in the first place. Maybe I should just do as I’m told. Maybe this whole
bad boy
thing isn’t the best thing for me after all. It led me to hook up with a call girl, after all. The thought causes me to shudder with disgust.

“Come on, Nate,” I mutter to myself, slamming my fists against my forehead. “Just focus on one thing at a time. You need to make something of this concert.”

Think of anything.

Anything but Jem
.

* * *

U
p on the stage
, with my stupid white shirt clinging to my skin, I try to get the words out in the most genuine-sounding way possible, but for some reason it’s a little difficult for me.

“Now I’m broken, my heart bleeds for you…”

I cry out, singing the most popular rock ballad in my repertoire, and the crowd goes wild. Even though this is one of my slower songs, I normally race along the edge of the stage, allowing the screaming fans to touch me as I sing. To me, that’s all part of the fun, but I can’t be that person any more. I need to be a better-behaved version of the character I’ve created. I’ve even cut out the songs with the bad language from my set, proving that I’m making a real effort to change according to Paul’s latest marketing plan.

As the last note of the song rings out and the audience screams for more, I feel the rush of anticipation that I live for—the sensation that only comes from having a successful gig. There’s no better feeling than having hundreds of people screaming and yelling for me, wanting me, needing more.

Well, only one feeling tops it…but there’s no way I can get that anymore.

Despite their pleas, I run off the stage, leaving the audience behind. I always want to leave them wanting more. It’s the best way to get them to come back. If they get everything from me in one go, what is there to make them want more of my music?

As I crash into my dressing room, sweat pouring from my body, I almost laugh with exhilaration. That went really well. This has to be a good start. Paul
has
to be happy with me now.

As if on cue: “Good job Nate.” He slams through the door, grinning from ear to ear. “See, you don’t need all the theatrics. Keep this up, and it’ll be all
Mindy who?
” When I consider all of the careers she’s ruined in her time as a kiss-and-tell call girl, that’s the best outcome I could ever hope for. “Now, how about a drink?”

My eyes light up at that thought, but then he hands me a weird, thin glass of champagne. I don’t even like the stuff, and this meager amount is pointless. It won’t even give me the slightest buzz.

“Thanks,” I mutter, not really hiding my ungratefulness. “Great.” I set the glass down on the nearest table, not even intending to sip it. “So, what now?”

“Now,” Paul’s voice turns stern. “You are to go back to your room
alone
, and you will get some sleep. Tomorrow we will have a brand-new day of interviews, showing off the new you.”

“Right,” I mutter, desperately pining for a night out of fun. After every concert I normally go out and get wasted on whatever is available, but of course these aren’t normal circumstances. I have to keep remembering that. “Okay, I guess I’ll get back then.”

I trudge back towards my room, listening to the excited sounds swirling around the ship. I’m desperate to head out on deck for some fresh air, but I don’t know what will happen if I get caught. What would Paul say if I defied him? He can be a hard-ass, and I can’t deal with that side of him right now.

Then again, Jem could be out there. It might be a chance to make things right…

“Oh my God, Nate!” I hear the screech of a young female voice, and I spin around to find myself facing a stampede of young fans.

“Can we have a picture?”

“Will you sign this?”

“I need to touch you!”

It becomes overwhelming almost instantly. Of course, I’m used to being swarmed by fans, but it’s never been this insane before. We’re in a tiny, cramped corridor, and there’s no sign of stopping. They’re mauling me like there’s no tomorrow, and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it.

“Okay, I just…” I start, but they simply continue to scream over me. “I need…”

“Ladies!” Suddenly Paul’s booming voice rings out, and they all shut down in a heartbeat. For the first time in a long time, I’m grateful for him checking up on me. I actually feel like I need him there. “That’s enough for now. Nate will be doing a signing later in the week.” I can tell that he’s improvising, because this is the first I’ve heard of it, but he says it in a way that anyone would believe.

Luckily, the girls scatter like bugs under his intimidating presence.

“Bye, Nate.”

“See you soon.”

“We love you.”

I leave them with a charming smile and a quick wave before Paul ushers me to bed. Once the door slams behind me, and I’m finally by myself, I take some calm, soothing breaths. I’m normally pretty wasted when dealing with the public, so doing it sober is going to be something I need to get used to.

T
he next few
days get even crazier. I’ve become the hottest celebrity on the ship, and I’m being constantly swarmed by the fans and other famous people alike. It’s absolutely insane. The only person who’s leaving me alone is the one I actually want to talk to.

Jem
.

By the end of the week, I’ve had enough of not seeing her, so I decide to make a conscious effort to look for her, to seek her out for the conversation that we definitely need to have. I’ve just finished another batch of signings and interviews, so I have a moment to myself. I need to take advantage of it.

I race away from the crowds with a newfound determination bubbling inside of me. I’m not one hundred percent sure where her room is, but I’m sure I know the rough area, so that’s where I head first. I trawl through the seemingly endless corridors, finding myself more alone than I have been in a while—which is kind of nice—until I hear raised voices. They’re loud, but I can only pick out small bits of what they’re saying.

“…I don’t know what the hell you think…”

“…just keep your nose out, Jemima…”

Jem.
It’s her.

My heart begins to pound furiously against my rib cage as I move towards the sound. I don’t know why, but I feel like I’m about to stumble onto something huge as I step around the corner and into view.

I instantly spot Jem with Cole, our old manager. He looks pretty different these days. The pair of them are red-faced and angry.
What the hell is going on here?
I take a split second to try to decipher the odd atmosphere that’s hanging in the air, but they both rapidly turn to face me, looking at me curiously.

“Oh, err…” I flick my eyes between the pair, wishing I had something smart to say to break the tension. “Hi, Jem. Cole,” I finally finish lamely.

“Good to see you, Nate.” Cole stalks past me, slapping me playfully on the shoulder as he leaves. I don’t look at him even once. My eyes remain fixated solely on Jem, who falls apart in front of me. It’s as if she’s actually crumbling.

Once we’re alone, I reach out to her and touch her arm. She yanks her body away from me, almost violently. “What’s wrong?” I ask pleadingly. “What’s going on, Jem?” She keeps her eyes resolutely on her shoes. “I can help you…”

“No,” she finally snaps back. “You can’t. No one can.” She shakes her head quickly, trying to steady her thoughts. “Anyway, I don’t need help. There’s nothing to help with.”

She’s lying. I can tell from her uncomfortable body language, but I decide not to pursue it. The fact that she’s talking to me is enough. I don’t want to push my luck. If she doesn’t want to tell me, then I’ll just have to wait for the moment that she does.

“Come on.” I throw my arm haphazardly over her shoulder. “Let’s go and get some air up on deck.” I wince, half expecting her to say no, but thankfully she nods and allows me to lead her away.

I
’m
a little stunned as I follow Nate up onto the deck. I still can’t believe what happened when I bumped into Cole. I mean, I always knew he was a dick, but that was another level of awfulness. The way he spoke to me was absolutely disgusting, and I hadn’t even done anything to provoke it. Sure, I stuck up for myself, but he sure as hell started it! After speaking to Lola, I thought he might have changed after all these years, but spending even a few moments in his presence made it clear to me that he hasn’t.

How the hell am I going to get Lola away from him?

He’s the worst kind of person, and Lola really is the best. But she’s young and naïve, and I’m worried for her. You have to be in the business for a while before you can spot the ones to avoid. She cannot be near this snake; I can’t let him treat her the way he treated the rest of us. Me, at least. I need to think of a plan. I need to find a way to help my friend. I have to find a way for her to get the career she wants, without any involvement from
him
.

“Are you okay?” Nate asks as we finally reach the cool, refreshing air. I nod, not really looking at him. I’m afraid that if I spend too much time staring into his eyes, I’ll end up telling him everything, and I really can’t do that. He just has this way of making me want to open up to him, and I know for a fact that I can’t. If I do, I’ll ruin everything. He can’t know. He can’t.

I need to remember that Nate isn’t in my life anymore. He hasn’t been for a very long time. It doesn’t mean anything that we’re both coincidentally on this ship. It doesn’t change a damn thing. We’re both different people now. We’ve both been leading very different lives since we parted ways. I can feel myself reverting back to the young girl I once was when I look into his eyes, but it doesn’t mean that we’re in the same situation. I’ve changed. I’ve grown up. I’ve read enough in the media to know that he’s certainly a different person too.

I cannot get sucked back into something when I know for a fact that I’m going to end up getting hurt. He’s a player now, and getting involved with such a ladies’ man is a mistake that I do
not
want to make. Not under any circumstances.

“Can I get you a drink or anything?” He touches my side, sending bolts of unwelcome electricity shooting right through me.

He’s not the boy I love anymore. He just isn’t, however much I wish he were.

“No, thank you.” I cross my arms over my chest, trying to make the intention of my body language clear. I need him to back off, to step away from me, to stop him from infecting my mind with bad thoughts that’ll only lead to trouble. Even his scent is pulling me in, and I can’t allow that. “I heard your concert went well,” I announce quickly, wanting the subject changed. If we can talk about something unrelated to me, something that allows him to talk a lot, I’ll be able to pull myself together.

“Yes, it did, actually. Especially since I’m no longer a
bad boy
.” He laughs awkwardly and a whole range of conflicting emotions floods through me. The Nate I dated was never a bad boy. That came afterwards, and it’s confusing being around this version of him that I no longer know. The one that hooked up with Mindy Hall. I’ll never be able to understand what led him to do that. What sort of person hooks up with a call girl and allows the paparazzi to catch them doing it? I mean, I know it’s easy to get caught unaware from time to time, but I’ve seen the photos, and it doesn’t exactly look like he’s trying to hide.

“Good.” I smile blandly, trying to disguise my real feelings. “Everyone has been talking about it for days. I think whatever it is you were trying to achieve has worked well.”

“Yeah, well, it’s more Paul’s plan than mine. You know how it is.”

“Sure.” I did know, what with Kim insisting that I need to be sexier—a plan that I’m still struggling to come to terms with. That is the great thing between myself and Nate; we are both in the industry, so we get it. But that doesn’t mean that we’re compatible. It doesn’t mean we can be together, no matter what the crazy chemistry that’s currently circling between us is trying to tell me.

I watch Nate’s face intently, seeing his expression soften and change. “Do you remember that time on the film set when there was a blackout?” He suddenly jumps back into the past, sending an odd wave of nostalgia bubbling up inside of me. It’s an odd switch of subject, but somehow it’s a welcome one. One that dissipates the tension in the air.

“Oh, yeah, and the intern…Ben, or whatever his name was, tripped over the coffee table…” Transported back into another period of our lives, we both burst into genuine, hysterical laughter. One of the good things about working on
Freedom Bound
was that we were really all like a family—the cast and the crew. We’d lived that time period in a tight-knit bubble, surrounded by one another, and it had been quite gutting when we’d finished filming, especially with what happened afterwards.

I hadn’t just lost Nate at that moment. I’d lost the last link to the closest family I’d ever had.

“And he spilled the fizzy pop everywhere!”

“Yeah, I wouldn’t forget that—we got the rest of the day off,” I chuckled. “What about the time that the new director fell through his chair?”

“Oh my God, that was hilarious. Did you know he’s working on a new film with your on-screen mother? This one will hit the movie theaters too. She’s finally going big-time!”

“Maria? No, I didn’t!” This is huge news. I thought I kept in touch with everyone from my past pretty well, but clearly I’ve been slacking over time. There’s no way Maria wouldn’t tell me.

I make a vow to myself right there and then that I’ll message everyone the first chance I get. I don’t like this guilty feeling that I may have been acting a little self-absorbed recently. I’ve been so involved with my own problems that I haven’t really thought about everyone for a while now. That sucks.

“Things seemed so easy back then,” Nate muses thoughtfully, looking at the past through rose-colored glasses. Then again, he didn’t go through quite the same things as I did. He really did have a fun youth. Of course I loved my time with the
Freedom Bound
family, but dragging all of that up now also brings with it the darker stuff. The things I really don’t ever want to think about again.

“Oh, yeah, and that night when we sat up talking until 2 a.m.” I grin, switching it back around once more, recalling the campfire we’d set up in the woodlands nearby the set, and the romance of that night. In reality, it was the first time Nate and I kissed, so I’m not totally sure why I’m bringing it up…except for the fact that it’s a really nice memory. I’m so lost in myself, in the old us, and that comes out as I speak. I’m sure Nate must be able to sense it, but he doesn’t call me out on it.

“Ooh, yeah. The marshmallows and the stars.” Nate gets a dreamy look in his eyes, and I can’t stop my heart from melting, just a little bit. “And the music.”

With that sentence, my heart skips a beat.
The music
. Nate is, of course, referring to the song he sang for me that night, the one that made me really fall for him. I’ve heard rumors that parts of that song are featured on his album (rewritten and made much more mature, I’m sure), but I don’t dare ask. I’ve never listened to any of his music. I’m too scared to find out the truth. I know how much it’ll affect me, and since I’ve been trying to move on…it just wouldn’t be a good idea to go over it again.

He hums the tune to my song, and some of the lyrics float back into my mind. It was cheesy as hell and written on the spot, but it was mine, and that made it incredibly special to me. It defined the beginning of
us
, and for that reason alone I held it near to my heart. I almost wish for a second that he would sing it once more, but I don’t dare ask. So I shut my eyes and simply imagine it’s happening. I picture us back there, by the crackling fire, wrapped up in warm hoodies, looking at the stars. He pulled out his guitar, completely flooring me with his sweetness.

“You draw me in with your kind soul, Take me as I am, Take me and make me yours. Forever more, we’ll be, and you’ll search no more…”

It was a silly song, but it was just for me. Remembering it this way, going back into the past, makes me feel things. Things I’ve tried to push to the back of my mind for a very long time. How the hell am I supposed to stay away from Nate in the way I promised myself I would when he’s here, being the boy I need him to be?

So close, so tempting.

I feel my lips purse, my body move, my heart flutter all over again, and I force myself to snap my eyes open. I can’t allow this to happen. I just can’t. I need to remember all the reasons why I should stay the hell away from Nate Romero—and there are lots of them, I know that.

So why can’t I remember a single damn one?

It seems like Nate is feeling the same way as I am, that the nostalgia has brought all of his feelings back to the surface too, because I can sense his body leaning in, coming closer to mine. Anxiety courses around in my stomach, and butterflies hammer against my chest. My whole body seems to shatter under the intense feelings I’m experiencing. The crazy chemistry is pulling me in, pushing any negativity aside, and I want him desperately. Any logic, any sense, it simply flies out the window, and I find myself completely unable to resist. His pull on me is too magnetic. It’s dangerous, I’m sure of it. I know it is, but I no longer care.

I move too, no longer bothering to pretend that I don’t want this to happen, and finally our lips connect and the overly familiar fireworks explode in my stomach in the same way that they always did before. This moment is perfect. It’s romantic, it’s sweet, and it’s passionate all at the same time. He claims me with his mouth, moving his lips in absolute harmony with mine, and I find myself filled with a warmth that hasn’t been there since we were last together.

He feels right. This feels right. We feel
right
together. It’s almost as if this is exactly where we need to be, as if all of this was supposed to happen. I don’t normally use words such as
destiny
and
fate
, but right now I really feel that. All I know for sure is that I never want this moment to end.

After a few seconds, I feel his arms snake around my waist and I move closer into him, losing myself in his touch, in his kiss. I didn’t realize how much I needed this until this exact moment. I’m not even allowing my fears of where this might lead enter my brain. I’m simply pushing them all aside and allowing my body to do the thinking for me.

Nate and me.
Somehow it feels perfect.