Really Weird Removals.com (4 page)

“Oh, I see. Well, you were going to find out sooner or later. The Really Weird Removals Company. Yes. RWR, for short. We are the one-stop shop for safe removal and/or rescue of any supernatural creature, from the humble fairy to the mighty troll.” He sounds like an ad on TV.

“Cool. When do we start?” says Valentina.

I choke on my beans.

“Sorry, it’s not stuff for children.” Uncle Alistair looks regretful.

“Camilla does it.”

“She’s dead already, so there’s not much that can happen to her at this stage.”

Camilla nods emphatically.

“We’d give you a hand, Uncle Alistair,” Valentina insists. “Seriously. You wouldn’t be sorry!”

My uncle gets up and goes to the window, looking wistfully out at the pale blue sky.

“I’d love for you to be part of it. But this is dangerous business. If something happened to you, I couldn’t forgive myself, and your mum and dad would never forgive
me
…”

I can see his point.

“Like Dad never forgave you about Granny and Papa?” Valentina pales, realising what she’s just said. “Sorry, Uncle Alistair, I didn’t mean…” she scrambles.

He looks rather shaken.

“It’s ok, Valentina. It’s ok. Yes, just like that. In fact, that’s why I’m back, you see? To try and sort it out. To get Duncan to forgive me at last…”

There is a brief silence.

But Valentina can’t stay quiet for long. “Forgive what? What happened to them? To Granny and Papa. Nobody ever told us.”

Uncle Alistair shakes his head. “I will tell you. But not now. Not yet. As soon as I’ve found a way…” He busies himself with some books piled up on the coffee table. His hands are shaking. Poor Uncle Alistair.

Valentina is not defeated yet. “
Please
let us be part of RWR. We know what we’re doing.” I throw her a puzzled stare.
Do we
?

“You’ve
got
to count us in,” she continues. “We’re part of the deal. The whole Eilean deal, I mean. And we can See. We’re like you, Uncle Alistair!”

He takes a deep breath.

“The sausages are burning…”

“We trust you. You’ll look after us. Keep us out of danger.”

“It’s not that simple.”

“You can’t do all this removal business by yourself! We know every nook and cranny of this place. We can
help
you!”

Uncle Alistair holds his hands up. “Listen. If you die, I’m dead. I mean, your mum and dad will kill me. I’m sorry, I can’t do this. I can’t take you with me.”

Valentina is devastated and I’m vaguely relieved. She’s about to open her mouth to protest, when a loud howling interrupts her. We both jump up. What creature makes that sound? A wolf?

“No need for alarm, children. It’s just letting me know I have an email.” He turns to the computer.
“Old Petru Vasilescu sent me the podcast. We were in Transylvania together for a while, before he went a touch crazy and started believing he was a bat. But I digress.” He leans towards the screen. “Oh… excellent. Splendid. Smashing.”

“Wonderful. Amazing,” mutters Valentina, rolling her eyes. She’s sulking.

“Looks like the first case is in, children!”

“And we can help?” Valentina perks up.

“No.”

And that’s the end of it. 

Except it’s not.

“Mmmmm.” Uncle Alistair points at the screen. “See what you make of that.”

Valentina doesn’t need to be asked twice. She stands up like a shot and starts reading the email aloud, over Uncle Alistair’s shoulder.

“Did you, Uncle Alistair?” Valentina asks, her eyes twinkling.

“Not on purpose. It sort of… happened,” he mutters. For a moment, he looks like a little boy caught doing something naughty. Valentina giggles.

“This sounds so cool, Uncle Alistair. I’m sure we
could be useful!” Valentina hasn’t given up yet.

Uncle Alistair appears lost in thought. For a few seconds, there’s silence – all I can hear is my heartbeat. Finally, he speaks.

“This could be a good first case. For you, I mean. The stone fairies might bite, but they don’t kill. Usually.”

Oh, that’s a relief, I think – not reassured in the slightest.

“Does that mean we can go with you?” exclaims Valentina, her eyes shining again.

“On probation…”

“YES!” Valentina claps her hands.

“Let’s see how it goes, we’ll take it from here.” Uncle Alistair is trying to sound all wise and restrained, but I can see he’s excited about having us with him.

I’m excited too – and a bit scared. Valentina is entirely without fear, as usual.

“But if you get killed, don’t come and haunt me. It’s not like I haven’t warned you,” continues Uncle Alistair. I’m not completely sure he’s joking.

“So, here we are, the Really Weird Removals Company! RWR!” Valentina beams, looking around happily.

“Cool!” squeals Camilla, doing an airborne cartwheel.

“Here we are indeed. Right.” Uncle Alistair claps his hands, sounding suddenly businesslike. “Let’s give Kenny a suitable reply.” He cracks his knuckles and sits at the desk. “There. What do you think of this, ladies and gentlemen? And… er… gentleghost?” he
adds, careful not to leave Camilla out.

Valentina starts reading aloud.

“The RWR means
us
!” Valentina grins.

“Just for this once!” Uncle Alistair reminds her. “Now all we need to do is convince your dad to let you go.”

“Under no circumstances can you go with your uncle. No.”

“Duncan–”

“Please, Dad–”

“I said no, and that’s my last word.”

If Dad says that’s his last word, there’s only one person who can turn it into his
penultimate
word, and that’s my mum.

“Mum, please… Camping is great, it’s…
educational
!” I try.

“We’d be seeing Kenny! He’s our cousin – distantly!” Valentina hugs Mum enthusiastically. “And, really, their infestation is terrible!” she adds, for good measure.

“Everybody on this island is your dad’s distant cousin!” laughs Mum. “Why is it that they need your uncle again?”

“Rats.”

“As big as ducks,” I chip in.

“And you know I love mysterious creatures!” Valentina clasps her hands together.

“What’s mysterious about rats?” Mum laughs.

“Rats can be
very
shifty,” Valentina says solemnly.

“Right, right, leave it with me.” Mum, still chuckling, runs upstairs after my dad.

Fingers crossed.

I feel awful, lying to my mum and dad like that. But I’ve just got to go with Uncle Alistair. It’s as if something’s calling me. As if this is something I
must
do.

Aunt Shuna shepherds us into the kitchen, where dinner is about to be served.

Camilla’s hovering over the stove.

“She seems soooo nice, your aunt. I wish she could see me!”

“What was that, Valentina?” asks Aunt Shuna.

“Pardon?”

“What did you say?”

“It wasn’t me, it was–” Valentina puts her hand to her mouth and makes a face at me.

Had Aunt Shuna heard Camilla speaking?

“I just said… I said, ‘
Mmmm
, my favourite, fish fingers and chips!’”

“With your mum’s home-made ketchup.”

I
know
. Mum
makes
her own ketchup. Boils a ton of tomatoes with vegetables and sugar and vinegar, and makes the most delicious ketchup ever. And she makes the fish fingers herself too, with freshly caught fish from the local fishmonger, and the chips she
double-fries
with rosemary and coarse salt. It’s as if we live in a restaurant.

But Camilla isn’t in the least interested in
home-made
ketchup. She is birling round the kitchen, trying to attract our aunt’s attention.

“Shuna! It’s Camilla! I’m here! Look up here!”

“Is there a radio on somewhere?” asks Aunt Shuna.

Valentina wags a warning finger at Camilla.

“Maybe. It must be coming from outside,” I say, trying to sound breezy.

As we sit there waiting for Dad to make a decision, I can’t help wondering why Alistair, Valentina and I can See, when my dad and his sister can’t. I wonder if my grandparents could?

On the way back to our house from his office, Uncle Alistair explained to us that the Sight allows you to see things like they
really
are, not like they
appear to be.

“The thing is, some of the creatures I work with look perfectly normal, perfectly human, but they’re not.”

He told us a story about walking down the street one day in London, a man stopped him for information. The man had a map in his hand, and was looking for Grosvenor Square. My uncle gave him directions, then watched him walk away – and noticed that his bottom half was a horse! Everybody else could only see a businessman. How cool is that?

A word of advice though, if you’re up here in Scotland, and you see
anything
half horse, half human, just run as fast you can. It’s bound to be a kelpie and, believe me, you don’t want to meet one of
those
. Have a look at the
Paranormal Database
, there are a few kelpie sightings recorded in there, and quite a lot of people – mainly children – have disappeared around the places they were seen. Just to let you know.

My thoughts are interrupted by Mum’s footsteps on the stairs.

“I spoke to your dad.” We can tell from the look on her face that it wasn’t an easy conversation.

“We can go on Saturday?” Valentina and I ask in unison.

Camilla, who’s sitting on the table, leaps to her feet.

“You can go see Kenny and Libby in Hag with your uncle, yes.” We jump up and down and Camilla cartwheels along the top of the dresser. Mum holds up her finger in warning. “This time!” she adds, just to specify it won’t be a common occurrence.

“Great! Thanks Mum!”

“Ok, ok. But if there’s any trouble…”

“Why should there be trouble? It’s not like we’re going to hunt monsters or anything like that…” I say.

“Stone fairies are only small,” adds Camilla, trying to be helpful. Thankfully neither Mum nor Aunt Shuna can hear her.

“Duncan needs time to trust Alistair again,” I hear Aunt Shuna say to my mum.

“I know. If the children spend time with him, and Duncan sees they’re perfectly safe, I’m hoping he’ll come round and let his brother back into the family. It’ll be a slow process.” Mum is thoughtful.

“To think they were so close.” Aunt Shuna’s voice is sad.

“Were they? It doesn’t look like it now.”

“It’s true. Wherever Alistair was, there was Duncan. So different in personality, and yet… they were best friends.”

They are quiet for a while. Then Mum sighs.

“He says to bring dinner up.” My mum and dad never fight, they always seem to understand each other, but these days he’s cooped up in his study all the time and I know she gets upset about it.

I’m not sure if his writing is really worth it, being apart from us as much as he is. Yes, he was called “the new J.K. Rowling” when the first
Reilly
came out, and people actually set up websites and fan clubs about his work, and now a film is being made, but…

When I have a family, I’ll spend time with them. For sure. Even if I’m a famous writer. Which I will be, one day.

“Darling, put that phone away.” Valentina has taken out her mobile, which is strictly forbidden at the dinner table.

“Sorry Mum. Just texting Uncle Alistair.”

“Ok, let him know, and then put it away. After dinner we need to get your waterproofs out, and your sleeping bags…” I can see she’s excited for us. “Wish I was going! I love camping, and I haven’t seen Kenny in years! Since you were a baby, Valentina.”

“Why don’t we go too?” suggests Shuna.

We hold our breath.
Say no say no say no
…

“I’ve promised Morag I’ll look after her mum on Saturday. She’s flying to Glasgow for a shopping trip.” My mum was a nurse when she lived in Italy, so neighbours and friends often ask her for help. We only have two doctors and two nurses on the whole island.

“Oh well, another time.”

Phew.

Valentina’s phone beeps.

“Sorry Mum, I think it’s Uncle Alistair, can I look?”

“Right, on you go.”

“Oh, he says to bring a few chocolate bars!” Valentina laughs, and hands me the phone.

Try and get your hands on hairspray. Stone fairies hate it. C u Sat at 8 don’t sleep in. A.

We exchange a look.

A few minutes later, once we’re tucking into our tea, Valentina says casually, “Your hair looks lovely Mum. Are you wearing hairspray?”

Mum looks at her as if she has grown horns.

“Hairspray? No…” she runs a hand through her
soft brown curls. “You know perfectly well I never do. What are you up to, Valentina Kirsty Grant?”

Uh-oh. The full name has been used. It means that my mum’s radar is up.

“Nothing! I was just saying your hair looks nice!” Valentina looks outraged at Mum’s tone.

“Right…” Mum says, meaning: my eye is on you.

To be fair to Mum, Valentina has done some crazy things in the past. Once she spread seaweed all over the garden – and I mean sacks of the smelly stuff – because she wanted to attract poquitos. According to Valentina, poquitos are a cross between lizards and sea birds, and they live somewhere in western Patagonia. She had read about them in
Hidden Beasts and Forgotten Animals
, a book she’d found in my dad’s study. She was sure that if they happened to be flying over us, they would be attracted by the smell of seaweed.