Reaching for My Angel [The Royal Wolves 5] (Siren Publishing Allure) (18 page)

“Oh god.” No, she wouldn’t be okay with them. It was too raw, too there, and too new. “I can’t.” She couldn’t, not yet. She couldn’t see the pack and know that they knew that it was because of her that Ben’s pack had been destroyed. She couldn’t do it.

Ben listened as Laz returned to Desmonda and heard the faintest whispers of their voices. “Why, love?” he asked her wanting her to face this at least. “Why won’t you let the pack be there for you, Angel mine? They would only wish to heal and comfort you with their presence.”

“Because it hurts,” Evan admitted to him. “It hurts to see them, to know that because of me we won’t have the new litter coming from the Alpha that the pups will never grow up.” Her eyes watered and the pain was palpable. “I feel responsible. I know you said that I’m not, and a part of me knows that I’m not but I don’t know how else to feel.”

“Oh, love,” he whispered softly hugging her even tighter to him. “No one blames you. You need to know and understand that, Evangeline. Not my brothers, not their mates, not me, and not the packs. We’re all hurting, too, love, and we want you to heal. We want you to let us in to love you and help you to heal. We’re here for you, all of us, to help you get past this and to understand that only one person can be blamed and he’s now dead and the world is a much better place because of it.” Ben hadn’t been there with his brothers or their packs, but he had been told that the man would never, ever again harm another being. Ever.

She wanted to be able to give in to what he was saying. She wanted to be able to just give in to the absolution that he offered but it was so very hard to let go. It had just happened. It was too raw. “I’m trying, Ben, I really am,” she whispered. “So to try…” Taking a slight gulp she added, “We will do our picnic. We will see the other packs.” And hopefully she wouldn’t break down too badly. The loss of the pack was a little more than she was letting on. It was as if she had lost her children with the loss of the pack. They were family and she had watched them die. 

He was stunned that she’d given in so easily. Ben would have sworn that he’d have to work her over a little more and wear her down. “All right,” he said warily eyeing her as he wondered what alien entity had taken her over. “Let’s go find something to eat,” he murmured knowing that he might have won that battle but he was nowhere near winning the war.

“But if I want to leave, there are no questions no trying to talk me out of it,” Evangeline added as they began their search for food for a picnic. “I mean it, Ben. If I want to leave, we leave, yes?”

Stopping he looked to her. “Of course, love,” he said mildly stung she’d had to even ask. “You know I’ll do anything you ask, Angel mine, no matter what your health and happiness comes first.” And it always would in his mind. 

“I know that I shouldn’t even have to ask if you will because I know that you would do anything that I wanted and needed.” She sighed. “It just, it really hurts and I’m trying, Ben. I really am trying.” She thought that she was doing all right for now with being able to be even mobile less than two days after the attack.

Touching her cheek he pulled her gently toward him. “If you’d rather not do this then say so. I shouldn’t have even considered letting you so soon after everything. Just tell me, Evangeline. Are you going to be able to step out the back door and see the pack?”

“I won’t lie and tell you that I’m not hurting because you can feel it.” Evangeline turned sorrowful eyes up. “But I can’t let him win. He’s dead and he’s gone and I know that, Benedek and I can’t let him continue to rule my life like this. He destroyed so much of our family and I can’t.” She broke in a sob. “I need to do this, if only for a moment and if only to prove to myself that I can.”

Cupping her face he shook his head. “Angel, you have nothing to prove to anyone. You are so strong, love, so perfect, and so very strong. Only do what you can and no more. There is no reason to push. We have our whole lives for you to work through everything. You don’t need to rush it within days of such a terrible thing occurring.”

“I have to prove it to myself, Ben,” she whispered and nodded. “I will do what I can and no more. I will tell you when we need to come back inside or leave or whatever else needs to happen but I have to do this, Ben, for me.” She had to prove to herself that she was what Ben thought she was, strong enough to overcome the past.

“All right,” he said softly knowing that she was fighting a battle inside and he had to submit to her will on this. “Let’s grab some food then,” he told her as he stepped back and moved for the refrigerator. He was worried now, worried that she’d overdo it and try to prove she could handle everything and anything.

Evan found the basket that he had told her to use and packed it as he gave her items from the fridge. “Oh, will you also grab some extra juice?” She was nervous, she felt sick to her stomach but she knew that she had to do this. Evangeline knew that she had to face the wolves of Laszlo’s pack so that she could hopefully begin to heal herself.

Nodding he pulled out the additional juice and passed it to her before collecting some paper plates and plastic utensils. A couple napkins and he looked to her. “We have enough food for an army so if we forgot anything, my love, I don’t think we’ll actually care.” He grinned at her.

“That’s a good thing because we will likely end up feeding Laszlo’s wolves more food than we eat.” That was always the way that it was for them when they did this in their wolf pack. “Gods this is hard,” she murmured as she rubbed at her chest. “But it’s necessary and I know that, Benedek.”

Picking up the basket he looked to her and held out his free hand. “Nice and slow, love,” he murmured, softly lacing his fingers with hers as she approached. “We’ll take this all at whatever pace you are good with,” he promised, rubbing his thumb over her fingers slowly.

“Slow and easy.” She agreed and placed her hand in his, trusting Benedek to keep her safe, to bring her back to life inside and hopefully help her past the pains and fears she was having so that they could restart their lives together.

Pushing open the door to the outside, he tugged her out with him nice and gentle. Moving to the edge of the deck, he led the way down and then walked with her across the lawn toward the wooded path. Stopping at the edge of the trees he looked to her. “How are you doing?” he asked softly knowing she’d know the wolves had their scent and were close.

“So far, okay.” Evan’s hands were shaking but she moved all the same. “Tell me about the boat we will buy and go for a cruise on. Tell me about how we will both heal from this?” she asked even as she watched the wolves coming from the woods and circling them in wide circles. “How will we replace the family we lost already?” Her voice broke as she whispered her last question.

“We will buy a good sized boat, whatever the two of us can handle,” he said softly pulling her in closer to his side and rubbing at her arm. “I think we will have to try a couple to find what is right for us, what we might be comfortable with. I don’t want others there so we’ll need to be practical on the whole buying trip,” he pointed out continuing to keep her moving as he kept an eye on the wolves. He could feel their need to come to Evangeline and to receive her comfort for the loss of their fellow pack and to offer their own in return, but they were hesitating because of her tight body language.

“If we are going to let them come to us”—Evangeline looked up at Benedek with tears shimmering in her eyes—“it needs to be now before I fall apart,” she whispered softly. “I love you, Ben. I need to do this for us or else I will never be the woman you need me to be, the woman I need me to be.”

Nodding he set the basket down and then sat on the ground pulling her into his lap. Wrapping his arms around her tight, he looked to the wolves and signaled them forward. She was shaking so hard he was afraid he’d hurt her with how tight he was holding on, but he couldn’t let go. “Breathe, Angel, just breathe,” he whispered in her ear as the first wolf approached, head down and softly whimpering.

Evan held close to Ben and when the first wolf came forth she could barely see because of the tears in her eyes. She reached a shaky hand out to the Alpha and whispered, “Come, my friend. Help us all heal.” She spoke softly, quietly, and with the emotional pain there and clear.

Butting his head to her hand, the Alpha whined softly as he moved closer to rub his cheek to hers before resting his head on her shoulder, the wolf’s version of a hug. Ben gently rubbed a hand on the large male’s side to comfort the animal and waited to see what Evangeline would do next.

Reaching up slowly Evan buried her fingers into the wolf’s fur and turned her face to press her soaking wet eyes into the side of his neck. “I’m so sorry.” She couldn’t think of what else to say to this wolf, from what she understood a brother to Ben’s Alpha wolf.

“He knows that, love,” Ben whispered softly shifting his hand to run his hand over her hair lightly. The other wolves began to move in and lay down close to them, pressing the weight of their bodies against them. “Let them help you as you are helping them,” he murmured gently.

“I’m trying.” She sniffed in the wolf’s fur as she held onto him now and sobbed, their mutual pain reaching out and soothing each other. “Don’t let me go, Ben,” she said when she pulled from the wolf and looked up at Benedek. “You are everything to me, I can’t lose you, ever.”

Cupping her face he kissed her softly, his lips brushing over her cheeks. “I’m never going anywhere without you, Angel mine. I love you, my beautiful mate,” he whispered before pulling her into his arms and hugging her tight. “You will never walk alone, love,” he said softly.

“Thank you,” she said and moved her hand from the wolf’s fur and wrapped them around him. She wrapped her arms as tightly as she could around Ben’s neck and held onto him as they all had the moment of pain, all had the healing moment.

Closing his eyes he held her tight even as he reached out a hand to bury his fingers in the thick fur of the Alpha pressing in close to her body. Rocking her back and forth gently, they just sat there as she cried, the wolves knowing it was her time to let the pain go.

Evan had no idea how long they sat there on the ground holding each other, Ben wrapping her tight as the wolves all pressed in closer to them and holding them close. Finally she raised her head and looked at him. “I think that I’m ready to go now, my love. Thank you,” she whispered.

Kissing her gently he wiped at her cheeks lightly. “You are always welcome,” he murmured softly. Shifting her he got to his feet and pulled her up to her own. “Let’s go find our spot, love,” he suggested as he lifted up the basket.

“Sounds good to me.” She was still in pain but it wasn’t as raw, it wasn’t as intense and consuming as it was before her little melt down with Ben and the wolves. “Will we recreate our pack?” she asked finally once they found their place under a tree and by the small man-made stream.

“I don’t know, love,” he said softly pulling out their food and laying it before them. “But if you want to, the Alpha pair wanted you to know that the twins they carry could be our firsts,” he told her.

“They would entrust their children with us?” Her question was a watery one, something that Evan couldn’t seem to stop doing. “Tell them that we will consider it, and most likely accept.” When they got back she prayed that she was under better control that she would be able to take the pair as their firsts.

Sliding his arm around her, he hugged her close, pressing a kiss to her temple. “They are trusting you with their children, the future, and their greatest hope, love,” he murmured. “They believe in you and know you were never at fault. They are doing this as a show of their belief in you and want you to understand it as such.”

Wiping her nose with the back of her hand and then onto her pants she nodded. “And we will accept it as thusly,” she whispered and smiled a watery smile. “We will take them and raise them as our own, even if it is taking them on the ship with us, we will do it.”

“Oh god, I hope that they don’t have sea-sickness,” he said softly as he frowned. “We’ll have to see when they are born. If we’re not here, Laz will look after them. If they are, we will figure it out if they can come with us or not,” he told her as he tried to remember what he knew about pups. It had been a very long time since he’d been around any.

“I think that we will all do just fine.” Evan had hope now. She had hope for their future and for the happiness that would come to them soon. “I love you, Ben, I love you so very much.” She no longer had tears clogging her vision. She was looking now and seeing him, seeing their future, and it would be good, they would make sure of it.

THE END

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Born in the mid-seventies, this thirty-something woman has only been writing for the last six years of her life, faithfully that is. Honor has always been scribbling a phrase, a curious word, or the oddest of thoughts down on anything she could find laying about. Now she piles them up before her and, if one catches her fancy, she further explores it to whatever its end might be.

A lover of books, her reading material spans from Shakespeare to mysteries and all the way to the erotic. Anything and everything she can lay her hands on she’ll read. Though, these days, she leans more toward the paranormal than anything else.