Reach for Tomorrow (24 page)
It was gone midnight, and after her visit to Zachariah’s sitting room when she had asked him to make enquiries about Molly, Rosie had returned upstairs and dished up a dinner no one had eaten before putting Hannah to bed. She had said very little to her mother and her mother had said nothing to her, but neither had she taken another drink.
Rosie heard Zachariah return from his excursion into that other twilight world he had some understanding of just as the mantelpiece clock struck the half hour, and after a quick, ‘That’s Zachariah back, I’ll go and see if he has any news,’ which her mother acknowledged with an inclination of her head, she ran downstairs.
The door to his sitting room was open and he was waiting for her. He looked weary, weary and sad, as he waved his hand for her to be seated whilst saying, ‘Your mam an’ Hannah asleep?’
‘Hannah is. My mam’s still up, she wanted to wait for news.’
He raised his eyebrows at this, and Rosie said quietly, ‘She’s very upset, Zachariah. I shouldn’t have said all that earlier.’ She had related the conversation word for word when she had shown him Molly’s note and he had made no comment then, but what he said now was, ‘I disagree, lass, it was long overdue, besides which you are only flesh an’ blood,’ before he flung himself down in one of the armchairs by the fire, its bright warmth cheering after the icy cold and bitter wind outside.
‘You look frozen, I’ll get you a hot drink.’
‘No, leave it.’ As she made to rise from the sofa the tone of his voice stopped her in her tracks, and she was conscious of thinking, I don’t want to hear this, I
really
don’t want to hear this, as she sank down again without another word and faced him, her hands clasped in her lap and her back straight.
really
don’t want to hear this, as she sank down again without another word and faced him, her hands clasped in her lap and her back straight.
‘I think I’d better tell you straight out, lass.’ And then he paused as though in refutation of his statement before he continued, ‘It’s what we suspected after that note. She was seen earlier, this mornin’ in fact, down at the quayside.’ ‘The same place you found her before,’ said Rosie flatly.
‘Aye. It appears she was knockin’ ’em up or that’s what it looked like. They sleep late in them places. But it must’ve bin her an’ she caused quite a stir by all accounts. Anyway, she was in there an hour or two an’ then out she comes with Charlie an’ a couple of the lasses an’ off they all went. None of ’em have bin back since.’
‘Where did they go?’
‘No one knows. Charlie’s got a good few broth--’ A moment’s hesitation and then, ‘Houses dotted around.’ Zachariah could have kicked himself for the slip.
Brothels. He had been going to say brothels and Molly was in one of those places. It was one thing to suspect the worst, it was quite another to have it confirmed so baldly, and now she was thinking of her da and the lads and saying in her mind, I’m sorry, I’m sorry I’ve let you all down. Oh, Da . . .
‘Rosie?’ Zachariah’s voice brought her eyes to meet his. ‘If she’s gone with Charlie’s bunch an’ she don’t want to be found then likely as not she won’t be.’
Rosie stared at him with great dark eyes as she thought, But she’s been so sweet the last couple of years, we’ve got on better than we ever did. There had been none of the tantrums and harsh words that had characterized Molly’s early years. Had she been planning this all the time? No. No, she couldn’t think that, she just couldn’t.
‘Rosie?’ Zachariah had moved to sit at her side. ‘Now listen to me, lass, you’ve nothin’ to reproach yourself for, you hear me?’
She shook her head, her distress overwhelming her for a moment and causing her to push at his hands as he went to take hers, and it was in that moment, with her senses heightened to near breaking point, and Zachariah’s guard temporarily down, that Rosie saw the look on his face and a veil was lifted from her understanding. It stunned her. For one moment it actually stunned her and she lay back limply on the sofa as he continued to talk to cover what had become an embarrassing rebuff as far as he was concerned.
Why hadn’t she realized before? She should have. She had got so used to him cracking a joke to cover up any awkwardness about his small stature that she had ceased to look behind the words, and besides, she simply didn’t
think
about the fact that he was a bit short any more. She hadn’t for years. But he thought of it, of
course
he thought of it. And she’d called her
mam
stupid . . . The revelation had brought a quietness, and now she knew exactly what to say.
think
about the fact that he was a bit short any more. She hadn’t for years. But he thought of it, of
course
he thought of it. And she’d called her
mam
stupid . . . The revelation had brought a quietness, and now she knew exactly what to say.
‘You’re probably right, Zachariah, and I know she’ll be sixteen soon, she’s not a little bairn any more.’ She reached for his hands then and held them as she said, ‘But I’d still like to try and find out exactly where she is, if that’s all right with you.’
‘Me?’ His eyes had narrowed slightly at the tone of her voice which was soft and low, and in marked contrast to the flat painfulness of moments before. ‘Of course, lass. It goes without sayin’.’
Too much had gone without saying. Rosie took a deep breath and now her voice was softer still as she said, ‘You’ve always been here when I needed you, haven’t you, Zachariah, through the good times and the bad.’
Dear God, dear God . . . It wasn’t blasphemy; Zachariah was calling for a strength outside himself as he forced a quick smile and drew his hands from hers before rising and walking over to the fire. She had no idea what she did to him and it was her very innocence that made her cruel. He steeled himself and turned to face her, his voice robust as he said, ‘Lass, you’ll get through this, don’t you worry. There’s a strength in you that fair amazes me at times.’
She looked straight at him now, and after a moment she said quietly, ‘I was worried about you, going down to that quarter by yourself tonight with that man, Charlie Cullen, knowing who you are.’
‘What?’ He blinked, and then grinned as he said, ‘Oh aye, Charlie knows me right enough, but there’s good an’ bad at all levels, lass, an’ I’ve a few pals down there an’ all. An’ I can hold me own in a spot of bother. They always say the little ’uns are the worst, don’t they, an’ if nothin’ else I’ve proved that.’
‘Don’t.’
‘Don’t?’
She continued looking at him steadily as she said, ‘Don’t talk about yourself like that, about your height, as though you’ve always got to make a joke of it. You are more of a man than anyone else I know.’
She saw his eyes open very wide, his face naked and vulnerable, before he breathed out slowly through his nose, his eyes narrowing as he said, ‘Thank you, lass. It’s nice of you to say it although I doubt it’s true. But thanks anyway,’ before he turned from her.
‘Do I appear young to you?’ asked Rosie quietly.
A blank pause and then, ‘Young, lass? No, you don’t appear young, not silly young anyway, even though I’m near old enough to be your da.’ He turned back to face her then but Rosie could see it was an effort.
He was smiling, but although he wasn’t touching her, and there was no visible proof of it, she could sense he was trembling. She stared at him long and hard, then she said, ‘You’re doing it again, aren’t you?’
‘Doin’ what?’
‘Trying to put an obstacle between us.’
‘Tryin’ to . . .’ His face was unsmiling now, and she watched him take a deep breath and then release it very slowly before he said, ‘Rosie, lass, you’re nineteen an’ you don’t appear young to me, all right? But you’re tired an’ it’s bin a day an’ a half. Go on up an’ get your head down.’
‘No.’ It was now or never, she’d never find the courage to do this again, but if she didn’t say it he never would, feeling as he did. ‘No, I won’t go.’ She watched his eyes narrow still more until they became slits of blue light and she knew he was wondering what was afoot as she rose slowly to face him. When she spoke her voice was low and rapid. ‘I love you, Zachariah.’ There was a small inarticulate sound from him and then silence as she continued, ‘I’ve loved you for a long time but I know you won’t say anything to me so I’ve got no choice but to say it to you. There, it’s out.’
Zachariah remained standing still, his face blank, and if it hadn’t been for that one tiny echo of what was in her own heart she would have thought she’d got it horribly wrong and his regard for her was only one of friendship.
She took a long shuddering breath. ‘Zachariah?’
And then, as she made a step towards him, he jerked away from her with a violence that spoke of deeply suppressed emotion, and his voice vibrated with the depth of this feeling when he said, ‘Go on upstairs before you say anythin’ else you’ll regret when you’re yourself again.’
‘I
am
myself!’
am
myself!’
He had stepped back from her before throwing his body into the armchair behind him and now he leant forward, his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands as he said, ‘This is because I got Molly out of that place afore an’ you was grateful an’ tonight has raked it all up again. Whatever you say you’re not thinkin’ straight. How - how long have you known how I feel about you?’ He didn’t look at her as he spoke.
‘I didn’t know until tonight.’
Zachariah swore, just once but the sound was ugly, and then he said, ‘Human sacrifices went out with the dark ages, lass. Now get yourself away an’ we’ll forget this ever happened.’
Forget it ever happened? Rosie didn’t know if she wanted to hit him or kiss him but such was the feeling flooding her chest that she didn’t trust herself to speak, and so she fell down on her knees by the side of his chair and leant her chin on the padded armrest as she reached out and held on to his arm.
‘Rosie.’ His voice was dragged up from the depths of him. ‘You don’t know what you’re doin’ to me, lass.’
Yes she did, she wasn’t a bairn any longer and working with Sally had been an eye-opener in more ways than one. She knew what marriage entailed, the close proximity of the body and the linking of the flesh, as well as the joining together of two minds. She stared at his averted face, wondering how she could say it without appearing any more forward than she had already.
He wasn’t making this easy. The annoyance that came with the thought enabled her to open her mouth and say quite sharply, ‘You don’t know what you’re doing to me, either, it works both ways you know. I should never have had to speak first, my mam would be horrified if she knew.’
He did look at her then and there was surprise etched on his face. Before he could glance away she said quickly, ‘I do love you and I think it’s insulting you don’t believe me. And it’s nothing to do with Molly or anyone else, I’m not a child and I know how I feel. I love everything about you: your intelligence, your kindness, your generosity. And you’re handsome, you know you are, you must look in the mirror sometimes. And your smell, I love your smell; it’s clean and fragrant, not like some of the men who come in the shop and make me want to fumigate the place afterwards.’
None of it had come out as she’d wanted it to, but he remained looking at her for a good few seconds before he said, ‘An’ these? What about these?’ as he gestured at his legs. ‘Do you love these an’ all, ’cos bein’ married means more than sittin’ readin’ an’ learnin’ together in the evenings you know. Have you considered what bein’ wed to me would mean?’
She wanted to fling her arms round his neck and kiss the hurt of thirty-three years away, so poignant was the feeling that gripped her, but she knew he would misconstrue it as pity. That could come later. And so now she waited a moment before she said, her voice very level, ‘If you didn’t have any legs at all it wouldn’t make any difference to me, and there are plenty of lads that came back from the war in just that condition. You’re a darn sight better off than them, now then.’
His head jerked, his neck stretched slightly, and then he said, ‘Lass, you don’t really know me. You think you do but you don’t. There’s things about me mam an’ da--’
‘If you mean about them not being married, I’ve known they probably weren’t for a long time, but that’s nothing to do with knowing you as a person and I
do
know you. As for your mam and da, I’m sure they had their reasons but that was then and them, and this is now and us. I don’t care that they weren’t married, Zachariah. I don’t care about anything but you.’
do
know you. As for your mam and da, I’m sure they had their reasons but that was then and them, and this is now and us. I don’t care that they weren’t married, Zachariah. I don’t care about anything but you.’
There was a long screaming silence before he said, his voice shaky with the fierce emotion that was threatening to burst out of every pore, ‘Rosie, are you sure? Now think on, lass, because I couldn’t stand . . . If you need time to think about what you’ve said . . .’
Now she allowed a smile to touch her lips for the first time and in answer she reached up and put her mouth on his. It caused such a swell of desire in Zachariah that he had to check himself from pulling her to him and ravishing her mouth, but his trembling must have been apparent because her voice was soft with understanding when she said, ‘Zachariah. Oh, Zachariah.’
And now he did pull her up and onto his lap, his strength formidable, and as his mouth became fierce Rosie knew a brief moment of panic as Shane’s clumsy assault flashed through her mind, and then she relaxed with a little sigh, her lips opening beneath his as she thought, This is Zachariah,
Zachariah
, and she loved him.
Zachariah
, and she loved him.
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