Ravens Deep (one) (33 page)

             
The next forty minutes flew by, and the confusion in my mind was unresolved.  Even as I drove towards Beaconmayes a constant thought kept nagging at me:

             
I shouldn’t be doing this. I shouldn’t be meeting Charlie, Darius would not be happy if he knew.

             
I drove through Beaconmayes and it appeared as always, the perfect sleepy country village that I now knew so well.  People here vaguely recognized me, but that in itself was no threat. On the rare occasions that anyone ever inquired as to where I lived, I would always name a bigger town several miles away.

             
I parked my car a little way from the park and walked slowly, I tried to collect my

thoughts
.

             
Was meeting Charlie really such a bad idea? 

             
I thought about Samuel Dunklin and a feeling of dread came to me.

             
No, I will not let that happen, I can protect Charlie.

             
As I entered the park I saw him a little distance away from me, standing by the pond.  Charlie instantly turned in my direction -- he saw me, and not waiting for me to reach him, he started walking purposefully towards me. We approached each other, I cautiously, but his face lit up in a smile, and instinctively I beamed back at him. 

             
“Hello Charlie, it’s good to see you,” I said warmly enough, although apprehension returned.

             
“Madeline, you look great,” he said, as he leaned forward and kissed me lightly on the cheek. It was a simple gesture, but it unnerved me. “You really do look good,” he emphasized giving me an appreciative look. “The country air must certainly agree with you. How long has it been now?”

             
“A good few months,” I answered casually. “You look well too. How is the business?”  I tried to keep the conversation light and casual, but my stomach was tying itself in knots, I was nervous. He did, in fact look good, his skin had a healthy glow and his eyes sparkled with a happiness to see me, but I recognized that look and it made me take a step back. I had to be as straightforward as I could.

             
“Charlie it really is good to see you, but I am with somebody else now,” I said evenly, and hoped that he would take the news well.

             
“I know,” he said softly. “I mean, I thought as much,” he said, looking slightly crestfallen. “I guess I could tell by the way you acted on the phone.”  But he seemed undaunted by this piece of information, and he smiled happily at me.

             
“Tell me, why do you keep your phone switched off so much?” The tension eased between us and I felt myself relaxing.

             
“Too many distractions,” I said lightly, with a small shrug. “Where are you staying?”

             
“In the Beaconmayes hotel, it’s very small and a bit basic, but it serves its purpose,” he answered looking at me. I didn’t like that thought.  I was his purpose and the reason he was here. I sat down on the bench feeling uncomfortable again as he continued.

             
“So who is this new man in your life?” he said, “Anyone I know?” he added jokingly. I could tell he was trying to remain nonchalant, but it wasn’t working, there was an underlying strain in his voice.

             
“It’s no one you know,” I answered casually. “Tell me about the book,” I said, trying to divert his attention somewhere else.  He paused as if he were going to say something, but then seemed to think better of it.

             
“It’s great isn’t it?  It’s Blaketon’s, you remember the big London publishing house? I actually thought about our company publishing it for you, but you know we don’t really handle that kind of publication.  I couldn’t have offered you anything like the deal that they have been discussing.  In a few years from now you might be a famous author.” I was watching him closely, he was genuinely excited.  “I always thought you could do it, you know,” he remarked wistfully. Then tried to inject some humour into his words by cordially adding, “Who knows, perhaps the publicity and book signings may come quicker than you think.”

             
My head was suddenly swimming.  That couldn’t’t happen, I had to remain anonymous and Darius would be furious if I brought myself that kind of attention. I turned to Charlie.

             
“Charlie, I do not want any publicity, none at all. And I don’t want it published under my name, I want a pseudonym,” I stated firmly.  Charlie was staring at me, clearly puzzled.

             
“Why would you want that?” he asked in astonishment. I sighed.

             
“It really is something I cannot talk about. I cannot have anything to do with it.  Any commissions you can keep, after all, it wouldn’t’t even have been considered for publication if it wasn’t for you, besides I really don’t need the money.” Charlie just sat staring at me as if I was mad. He finally spoke.

             
“Madeline what has happened to you?  I thought you would be ecstatic, but instead you are acting like it is a huge inconvenience to you.” He was clearly hurt.

             
“I am sorry Charlie, please don’t think that I am not appreciative, I really am, but my circumstances have changed.  My life has changed and it is not as important to me as it once was.”  As I spoke I absently brought my hand to my face to push my hair back. Charlie grabbed my hand.

             
“You are married?”  he said, glaring first at the ring and then at me.

             
“What?” I was surprised by his reaction, he was distraught. I had been correct in my assumption, he had put on a false bravado when I mentioned someone else.

             
“Charlie, you didn’t’t think that we would get back together again . . .  Did you?” I asked, astonished, but as I looked into his eyes I could see that had been on his mind. My senses were suddenly numbed.  

             
“Why would you think that?  We haven’t seen each other for months.  All the anguish and pain I must have put you through in London. Besides, I thought you had met someone else,”  I said, staring at him.

             
“I did meet someone else,” he said quietly. “I thought I would get over you, forget you completely and make a new life with her . . .  but she wasn’t you,” he said looking at me directly. 

             
“It was a mistake, a regret I couldn’t live with and I had to find you again.” His voice was bitter as he said, “I should have known that you would have forgotten me so easily.” He paused for a few moments trying to bring his emotions under control.  “Does he make you happy?
Your husband
, are you really happy?”

             
This was awful, I was hurting Charlie all over again, but I had no choice.

             
“Yes Charlie, I am.” Seeing his look of total deflation, I continued, “But I want you to be happy too.” I paused. “You and I . . . we were never meant to be,” I said gently.

             
“I always believed we were,” he said looking at me with distaste.  He hesitated for a brief moment. “How long have you been married?”

             
“A few months,” I answered cautiously. We sat in silence and I could sense his shock, the atmosphere was tense between us and I wished I could make things easier for him.  “Charlie you should leave Exmoor today,” I said slowly. “What we had is gone and I know there is someone for you out there, someone that could make you happier than I ever could.” He looked at me.

             
“It’s him isn’t it?” he said directly.

             
“Who?” I asked bewildered.

             
“
Your husband
,” he said emphasizing the point, “he is the one that doesn’t’t want you to write. He’s taken away your passion for life!”

             
I was angry. How dare he. With Darius I had more passion than he could ever know existed, but I forced myself to remain calm. Charlie was angry and upset, and I had hurt him yet again. I coolly turned to him.

             
“Charlie whatever you may think, this is the life I have chosen.” I tried not to sound too blunt as I added; “Besides it’s none of your business.  If you want to publish my book go ahead. I will sign whatever paperwork you need, but it must be sent to my London address. . . if you decide you don’t want to, then I will understand your decision. I did care for you once, but it was not meant to be. You have to accept that.”  I sighed, “Charlie . . . I don’t want us to part with you thinking that I never cared.”

             
“I know you cared,” he said quietly. “Just not enough, and I am only sorry that you never felt the same way about me, Madeline, as I do about you. We could have had a good life together, you and I.”  I looked at him, shaken by the impact of his words.

             
“I have to leave, Charlie,” I said, feeling distressed all over again and got up from the bench.

             
“At least give me your address and home phone number, so I can keep in touch. I may need to reach you regarding the book,” he added tactfully.

             
“No, I don’t think that’s a good idea given the circumstances, do you? You have my cell phone number, I will turn it on in the mornings.  If you need to contact me regarding the book, call me early in the day.” A few moments passed and I spoke without hesitation. “You should leave, Charlie, go back to London. . . there is nothing for you here,” I concluded a little coldly.

             
“I am leaving tomorrow morning anyway,” he stated simply.  I relaxed. At least he wasn’t planning to try and see me again.

             
“I have to leave now,” I said.

             
“OK. . . I really need to get back to the hotel as well,” he answered with a forced smile, but we both knew that he had no pressing reason to go back yet. We walked back to my car in silence and I turned to him.

             
  “Well I guess this is it,” I said, smiling at him and feeling an unexpected pang of regret. “Good-bye Charlie.”  I turned to open the car door. 

             
“Wait, Madeline.” I turned back to face him and in that instant he pulled me to him and kissed me, taking me completely by surprise.

             
“What are you doing?” I asked, both annoyed and amazed by his action. He grinned at me.

             
“For old time’s sake,” he said apologetically.  I shook my head in disapproval, but smiled back at him. “Bye Charlie,” I repeated as I got into the car.

             
“Good-bye Madeline,” he said sorrowfully.

             
Charlie stood watching my car pull away and he stayed in my mirror as I put more

distance
between us, and then I saw him turn and walk away.

             
As I drove out on the road towards Ravens Deep I checked my mirror several times, just to make sure Charlie hadn’t followed me, but the road behind was empty.  I felt strangely sad, for even though we had broken up months ago, this meeting today seemed so final, like an end of an era.  I wondered what I should say to Darius, but maybe it was better to keep quiet, I didn’t want to provoke any reaction in him.

*  *  * 

              When Darius entered the living room some hours later, he found me sitting on the floor with my back against the sofa, absorbed in an old book.  He sat upon the sofa behind me and pulled my hair aside and leant down to kiss my neck. His kiss at once sent a spine tingling shiver through my body and I immediately discarded the book. I turned and responded to him instantly.  My thoughts were caught up in the heat of the moment, but somewhere in my mind, I absently mused that it was so unlike the earlier kiss with Charlie.

             
Darius abruptly pulled me to my feet, startling me completely, he firmly held me back from him, staring hard at me, his eyes wide with rage.

             
“What have you done?” His voice was like thunder and his accusation sent a wave of fear through my entire body.

             
“N . . . Nothing,” I stammered, horrified.

             
Oh my God, he knows, he read my thoughts.

             
I felt myself go white and a cold chilling sensation passed through my body that made me shiver.

             
“Darius.  .  . ” I faltered, he looked so angry that I thought he might actually strike me.  I felt my throat go dry as I summoned the courage to try again. “Darius, please don’t look at me like that, I haven’t done anything. . . it was nothing,” I said, trying desperately to clarify my words.

             
“You have been with him and it is nothing?” he snarled at me and I could feel his hold intensify and the sharpness of his nails through the thin fabric of my top.