Raven (23 page)

I hobbled along, moving slowly but determinedly. As I reached the forest, I found that it had grown thick, making it hard to find my way. As I continued, the bit of cloth on my leg soaked through with blood, dripping down my leg and into my tall boots. I stopped for a moment, sitting on a fallen log and untying the bandage. I revealed the wound, seeing it hadn’t changed, and in fact, had even gotten worse. I frowned, wondering why it wouldn’t hurry up and heal.

I twisted the rag in my hand, wringing blood and sweat from it. The cut was too deep to leave alone. Something needed to be done.

I rummaged through my pack, finding my pen and then unraveling a bit of cloth to make some string. I disassembled the pen with a shaky hand, carefully placing each piece on the log beside me so that I could put it back together when I was done. I took the spring from inside, figuring the pen could still work without it. I carefully unraveled it, creating a sort of needle. I wrapped the string inside the loop of wire, pinching the end and hoping this wouldn’t hurt as much as it looked like it would.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, exhaling as I then opened them and looked at the gash. I pinched the skin together as my stomach lurched, blood oozing. I swallowed, placing the end of the wire against my skin as I applied pressure, testing the level of pain I was about to endure. I licked my lips, and plunged the wire into my skin, letting out a low cry, my eyes filling with tears of pain. I clenched my jaw as I threaded the string through my skin and back again, my leg numbing as I went along. At the end, I finished with a brave tug, leaving the string to hang loose down the face of my boot. I sat up, proud of myself for accomplishing something so rugged.

I looked at the surrounding forest, trying to remember what it was that Scott had told me about survival in the woods. I stood, throwing my satchel onto my back and walking on up the hill. After a while, I saw a willow tree up ahead and I walked up to it, grabbing a hunk of the bark and putting it in my mouth. I heard Scott’s voice in my head, reminding me that by chewing on the bark, it would help sooth the pain. I had ignored him at the time because I had never really felt pain like this before, and I usually had something more modern to swallow in its place. The gash concerned me, but I kept the thought buried, unwilling to allow it to create too much worry. I swallowed the last of the bark. The pain lifted slightly, but the swelling did not tire.

As I limped on, I became unsure of exactly where I was going. Nothing looked familiar anymore. Everything was so dense now, that it was hard too look beyond ten feet. After about an hour, I stopped to rest. Never had I felt so tired and winded.

I tilted my neck from side to side, stretching the muscles. I hunched on another fallen log, touching it and wondering why it did not respond. I felt the moss, my fingertips pressing it down but nothing happened. I slowly lowered my body against the log, laying my head on the soft moss and resting my eyes.

Not certain how much time had passed, I woke to the sound of something rustling through the forest. Suddenly alert, I sat up, moss falling from my cheek where it had stuck to my skin. I was not used to being so attached to nature—nature usually was the one attached to me. Magic was gone, though, I needed to remember that. I sighed as I heard another rustle of leaves. I was not in the mood to wrestle a bear, especially when I could barely walk. I moved slowly as I reached to grab my satchel and leave, but I froze as the bushes in front of me began to shake. My heart erupted to life, pounding like a hammer in my chest. I held my breath as the bushes parted and the creature in question let out a sharp snort.

I yelped, falling backwards off the log. I was quick to right myself as I sat on the ground, my hands holding me up. I looked up in alarm, the face of a horse staring at me from the bushes just ahead, chewing on a bunch of vegetation that hung from its mouth. It glanced at me but didn’t seem interested, grabbing another bunch of vegetation and yanking it from the ground.

I slowly stood, brushing myself off as I checked the wound on my leg, seeing it was growing swollen and caked with dirt. I stepped forward and winced. The weight of my body on the leg ached throughout its every muscle, the red veins of poison creeping across my skin. My blood was infected now. I knew this from the extensive study I had done in the medical field, thinking that it was perhaps a career option. I laugh now, knowing it was foolish thinking.
Why wasn’t I healing?
I thought.

The horse snorted once more. I watched it for a moment as I waited for the pain in my leg to subside. It was light gold with a blonde mane and tail. Its coat was glossy and clean, and it stood about sixteen hands tall, or what I guessed would be about that. One of the foster kids that had lived with us in Seattle had been adopted by a family that owned many horses. I was invited to visit once. When I went, of course, the horses had clamored to me as though I were a bale of fresh alfalfa. This horse, however, didn’t seem to care.

I bit my lip and furrowed my brow. “What is wrong with me?” I said out loud, hoping someone would answer, but no one did. I felt the same twang in my chest and the acute burn. I thought of Edgar then, wondering how he was, and that’s when I felt it; I felt nothing.

My heart stopped, the horse still chomping away beside me.
What did this mean?
Surely they hadn’t tricked me again. I knelt down and grabbed my bag with haste, no longer caring that the horse was there. I stuck my hand inside the bag and felt for the contract, pulling it out as I tried to unroll the metallic paper. I struggled with the page, finding it was difficult, like trying to bend heavy metal. Once open, I squinted at the words, seeing that they were now hard to read.
Why couldn’t I see?
I dropped the contract to the ground, hastily grabbing the
Book of Us
and flipping it open. I was also unable to read the words there, seeing nothing but blank pages. I discarded it next to the contract.

“
No,” I whispered.
“No!”

I looked back at my leg, feeling it pulse. I was human, I had to be. For the first time in my life I could feel everything. Breathing hard, I looked around. I felt alone. The equine did not count. There was nothing but my own pain, my own thoughts. I did not feel the darkness that I should and the same heavy heart I had when I was young. I did not feel the electricity of Edgar, or the light of my soul, either. I felt so apart from everything, the Earth no longer talking to me.
Nothing
was talking to me. Edgar’s heart was his own now, as was mine. Our soul had at last split.

I looked to the sky as my mouth fell open and I let a scream escape my lips. The horse jolted as it stood in the bush, but did not run. When all the breath was exhausted from my lungs, I breathed deeply and collapsed to the ground, crying. The horse began to chew again, gnawing on a thick branch and rolling it in its mouth as the foam dripped onto a nearby fern. A whiff of wet wood and vegetation wafted toward me, and I felt myself gag. I brought my hand to my throat, feeling as it swelled with anger and fear.

“
How do I get back?” I looked at the ground and then at the horse, feeling the need to talk to something that was alive.

The horse blinked and chewed. I let a sharp breath pass my trembling lips, almost like a laugh. I was at the end of my rope, bordering on crazy. After a few last quick breaths, I shut my eyes and calmed myself. Moments later, I was asleep once more.

In my dreams I saw everything as it once was. I saw Edgar and Margriete, Sam and everyone I had known. I dreamt that I could still feel that connection but then slowly, it all faded away, and I was locked in darkness. The darkness felt comforting somehow, and warm. I fell into a trance as I stared into nothing, swirls of blacks and grays like water on a river. I felt myself smiling, wanting to dance with it but unable to move.

There was a distant voice then, and I heard my own in reply.
“Hello?”
I said to the voice. The voice called back, louder this time, but still muffled.
“Yes, I can hear you. What was that?”

“
Elle!” The voice was suddenly clear as day.

I felt my heart stop, the call coming from right beside me now, in my dark room.

“
Sam?” I asked, looking through the swirls but seeing nothing.
“I’m dreaming,”
I told myself.

“
No, Elle. You’re not.” The reply was rather blunt, and certainly not something I would have thought to dream.

I tried to look around again, hearing him as though he were right there, inches away.

“
Sam, I can’t see you.”

I tried to reach out but I couldn’t make my arm move. It was then that a sharp pain pulsed from my injured leg to my head. I let out a cry.

“
Sam?
What was that?”
My voice was frantic now, as though I were stuck in a paper bag with no way out. I was being eaten by wild animals. That had to be it.

“
Elle,” his voice was calm.

“
How are you here? You can’t be here.”
I felt delirious as the stinging sent chills all across my body. Sweat dripped across my face.

I heard him laugh and it brought me a sense of comfort.
This had to be real.
I could not dream in such vivid detail.

“
Elle, I am trying to
help
you, so stop twitching. You are nearing death. This is why you can hear me.”

I breathed in fast. “You’re an angel.
Of course!”
I thought about Edgar. “But where—”

He sighed, cutting me off. “He’s not
your
angel. He cannot come.”

I felt frustrated. “But I want him here. I want to see him, Sam.” I felt tears began to grow but I could not wipe my eyes.

“
I’m sorry, Elle. I hoped it wouldn’t be this way, but—”

“
You hoped?
You knew this could happen?”

Sam sighed again. “It was a possibility, but there were many possibilities.”

I was silent for a long while as the stinging began to fade and the darkness began to lighten ever so slightly. I was getting better.

“
Elle, you need to stay alive. The gods request that you live a full
human
life.”

I whimpered,
“A full human life?
And then what?”

Sam was quiet for a moment. “And then—I don’t know.”

I was speechless, staring into the grey nothingness, hopelessly paralyzed. I thought about all the time I had in front of me, by myself. I did not want that.

“
You’ll have a lot to do, Elle.”

His words were true. There would be a lot here to accomplish. I could lead them all. I could show them how to live a better life. I had taken a lot of my life for granted, but now I was given this gift, this chance to stand on equal ground with them. I loved Edgar more than anything else, but I owed it to all the others I loved as well. I was finally getting what I always wanted growing up:
a real life.

“
Sam? Are you still there?” I felt my fingers begin to twitch as the feeling returned to them.

“
Bye, Elle.” His voice was already distant.

The darkness was creeping toward light now, like watching the sun dawn over the horizon.

“
Sam?”
I asked once more, but there was no reply this time. I was alone, again.

I woke as sounds returned around me, blinking away the bright light that filtered through the canopy above. I heard a rustle at my side.

“
Sam?”
I turned my head, seeing the horse still grazing nearby.

I rolled my eyes and tried to sit up, my leg no longer pulsing with such pain. I looked down at it, wrinkling my nose as a sharp pungent smell wafted into them.

“
Garlic?” I asked myself, touching my finger to the wound where I saw something had been rubbed into it. The swelling was down, and the red veins of blood poisoning fading.

I furrowed my brow, unsure why garlic had been rubbed on my leg, although it did seem to work. Infection had been what brought me to the brink of death, but I really didn’t believe that all it took was garlic to fix it. It had been Sam. Knowing him, he likely spiked it with something far more effective. I touched my brow, finding it coated in a dried film of sweat, but at least I was no longer burning up.

I still felt the comforting warmth I had while I was sleeping, almost like a coming to terms with the fact of what had happened to me, and the fate I was now faced with. I was at ease. It was always better to know your fate than to have to wonder.

I saw a stick jutting from the ground a few paces ahead, with a white piece of paper stabbed through it. I grunted as I tried to stand, the horse noticing me and letting out a low whinny. I put weight on my injured leg, taking one step forward and then another, until I reached the stick and pulled the paper from it. As I saw the writing, my heart leapt…

Elle,

Dearest, I am sorry I could not come and be there for you. I truly did not know. At the worst, I feared you would simply die, but not this. I already miss the way I could always feel you. Look what you have done, though. Be proud. You are magic. Never forget that. And though you may not see it around you, it will forever be in your heart and in your memories. Maybe one day, somewhere free, we can be together again.

I love you,

Edgar

I pulled the letter to my chest and hugged it, knowing that now this was all I had of him. One tear fell but I was quick to wipe it away. I carefully rolled the page and hobbled back to my satchel where I carefully placed it inside and set it back down by the log. I ran my hand through my hair, feeling it tangle like it never had, frizzy and clumped into a matted mess. For the first time since Before, I was finally relieved that no one was here to see how awful I looked.

There was a rubber band around my wrist and I pulled it off, trying my best to flatten the nest of hair into a pony tail.
“It is what it is,”
I whispered, meaning it in so many ways other than my hair.
“What could I do?”
I had agonized over losing Edgar so many times that it no longer felt like the thing to do. I had played this role time and time again. The best I could do was hope and try to heal.

Exhaling away the worries that I could not control, I looked back at the horse. I focused on what I could do, and the things I could control right now. I hobbled to a nearby tree and braced myself against the trunk for a rest before stepping gingerly toward the horse once more.

“
Hey there, pony,” I sang. I slowly lifted my hand as I got closer, my feet shuffling through the lush green ferns. The horse’s chewing slowed, then stopped as I inched closer. It was blinking now, swishing its tail ever so slightly. Its eyes stared keenly into mine, watching me. I paused, staring at it as it stared at me. After a moment, it began to chew once more and I relaxed. I balanced myself on one foot, thinking about the horse as I bent down to determine its gender. I felt a bit invasive doing it, but I was tired of thinking of the horse as an
It.
I giggled and straightened—a gelding. I rolled that fact over in my head, deducing two things: he had once been domesticated because he was not a stallion, and he was also from
Before.
He had survived, and with any luck, he had some training as well.

He must have made his way here when the storms began, searching for food where the lowlands provided none. I took one more step as he watched me, clucking my tongue. His ears perked at the sound, and his chewing stopped. I clucked again and again as I drew closer. He watched me but did not move, lowering his head slightly as though to show submission. I was right next to him now as I reached out to touch his mane. He murmured slightly, chewing his jaw as though he’d liked my touch.

I ran my hand down his neck as he bobbed his head. I let go and dropped my hand to my side. He looked at me as though disappointed that I’d stopped. I stepped back and he stepped forward, following me, wanting more. A smile spread across my face. For the first time in my life, this animal liked me not for my scent or my power, but for me.

“
Hey there, boy. Do you like me?” I stepped back again, and he stepped forward twice, his nose resting against my arm.

I ran my hand down the length of his forehead, straightening his forelock into a little twist. I turned and walked toward the log where my satchel sat and the horse followed. I stopped, turning as I ran my hand down the length of his back from his withers to his rump. He swished his tail.

“
What should we name you?” My stomach growled as though to answer, and the horse blinked a few times. I hadn’t eaten in a long while and I was not used to the hunger I felt now, making my limbs shake and my head feel loopy.