Ralph's Party (37 page)

save our relationship. You just sat around, drinking whiskey and feeling sorry for yourself, crying down thr airwaves to a milion total fucking strangers, making everyone feel sorry for
you!
Wel, what about me! Who felt sorry for
mel
No one. No, Karl, you had your chance You had a thousand chances and you blew al of them I have to take control of my life again, Karl. Be me again And there's no room for you any more. I love you. I wil always love you.

You've been my best Mend for half my life. But you're a dead weight, Karl, and I've cut myself free. Just like I cut my hair, see' -

she puled the shorn locks to her chin and waved them at Karl -

'and don't you think it suits me better?' She turned away then and began to cry.

Karl felt like someone had slapped him in the face with
a
side of salmon. Tears stung his face. What could he say? What could he do? She was right. Shit! He wanted to kick himself. He wished that he could be split in two so that he could chase himself down the street, into an aley and kick twenty-six different types of shit out of himself.

'Shuv.. /Hereached out to touch one quivering shoulder with his hand. She spun around.

'Oh, Karl - I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry that you thought there was stil hope. I heard you on the radio and you sounded so defeated, so much like you knew what I already knew - that it was over, finished. If only I'd known. We could have talked before. We
should
have talked before.'

'It's too late now, huh? Too late for al those could'ves and should'ves.' He exhaled noisily and began to cry again. 'Oh, Shuv, what the fuck am I going to do without you? What am I going to do, Shuv? Eh?'

He turned towards her and the two of them held each other in a sad, wet, desperate embrace, sobbing loudly into each other's ears.

So loudly in fact that, at first, they failed to hear the engine of the car that puled up on the road next to them and the gentle whine of an electric window being lowered, and then the soft, shocked tone of Rick's confused voice caling out, 'Siobhan?'

Ralph finaly caught up with Jem at the junction with Lonsdale Road. She was striding purposefuly but awk wardly in her skinny heels. 'Jem - please - stop!' He folowed quickly behind her, accelerating a little to over take her. 'Please - stop!' He grabbed her wrists and puled her to a halt./Stop!'

'What?' Jem barked, struggling to free herself from his grip. 'Leave me alone!'

She began to thrash out violently at Ralph, futilely flailing her arms around. 'Jem, I'm sorry,' Ralph said, bringing her arms into his chest and putting his around her, restraining her in a tight embrace. Tm so sorry.' She relented to his molification and colapsed silently into his arms. 'I'm so sorry. Oh, Jem.' He rested his cheek on the top of her head, feeling the little indentations in his skin made by the satin roses and smeling the floral freshness of her shiny hair. 'My poor, poor Jem.' Her smal body heaved under his arms for a moment and he hugged her tighter.

Jem sniffed and wiped her fingers across her nose. 'Ralph,' she said,

'I didn't just imagine that, did I? That was my boyfriend in there, proposing to that girl? Was it a joke, Ralph? Tel me it was a joke.

What the fuck is going on? Huh? What is that girl doing here? How do you know her? How does Smith know her? Don't give me any bulshit, just tel me the truth. Is this al some sort of sick joke? Huh? Huh!'

Ralph exhaled. He knew he had to explain. He had to explain everything and not leave out one single detail, including his own sneaky part in the whole hideous scenario. He led Jem to a bench and they sat down.

'Wel,' he began, 'this al started five years ago, when Cheri first moved in upstairs ...'

And he told her, al about Smith's pathetic obsession, about his self-imposed celibacy while he waited for Cheri to notice him, about the night he'd bumped into Cheri on his way back from St Alban's and they'd gone for that drink in Oriel, about how Ralph had wanted to tel Jem
then
but Smith had threatened him with homeless-ness. He told her how Smith had laughed at her dreams and destinies and how he thought she was a bit mad but that having a girlfriend would make him more attractive to Cheri. He even told her how Smith had fantasized about Cheri when he was making love to Jem...

'Oh, my God! Oh, God, I feel sick! I can't believe you didn't tel me al this, Ralph,' Jem sobbed, 'that night, in Bayswater. You just let me ... oh, God, I feel so humiliated - I've never been so humiliated in al my life!'

"Think how it would have sounded, Jem! You wouldn't have believed me! I'd just told you I was in love with you, it would have sounded so convenient, so... untrue! I had to prove it to you, that Smith was a slimebag. You had to see it with your own eyes.

That's... that's,' Ralph lowered his eyes, 'that's why I invited Cheri tonight. I've never been friendly with the girl, never even realy liked her very much. But I just had to let you know what was going on — I couldn't let him treat you like that any more. And I knew that was the only way you'd realy believe what was going on.'

'So, you deliberately ruined my evening, did you? You deliberately humiliated, hurt and destroyed me in front of dozens of people! You deliberately made a complete and total arsehole of me, and...'

'No! No! Not of you — of Smith. I made an arsehole of Smith.

And I have to say, he surpassed himself. Even I had no idea that he was that ridiculous, Jem, I promise you. I thought he'd flirt with her, at worst, but
that -
that was quite remarkable, And I'm sorry that I ruined your evening, but I thought it was a smal price to pay for the potential ruination of the rest of your life, which, as you wel know, I happen to care a great deal about, so, please, Jem, don't take this anger out on me - take it out on Smith. He's the one who deserves it, not me. I know I've managed to develop something of a reputation with you for being devious and underhand but please, please, please believe me - I
had
to do this. I couldn't watch him making a fool of you for one second longer. Smith's an arsehole.

He's my best friend, but he's an arsehole. I know it and now you know it. Please don't be angry with me, Jem - please!'

Jem caved in visibly and began to wail. 'Oh, Ralph, I hate him! I never ever want to see him again.'

'No, Jem. Don't let him get away with it. Give him hel. If I were you I'd want to go in there and kick him right in the bolocks, kick them so hard that he could cough them up and use them for tonsils. He's made a fool of you, Jem — he's treated you with a complete lack of respect. And you, more than anyone I know, more than anyone I've ever known, deserve to be treated with respect.'

He stroked a crooked finger against the wetness of her hot, red cheeks. You're so special, Jem. You are so fucking special.'

Jem looked up at Ralph through her tears and into his eyes and suddenly she saw it. Destiny. The man in her dreams. She had never seen love like that in anyone's eyes, ever before. Ralph realy, realy loved her. And it
wasn't
like al the other I Love Yous. He didn't want anything from her, he wasn't besotted, he wasn't obsessed, he wasn't looking for her to fil any holes in his life, he didn't want to change her, control her or adore her - he just loved her. Plain and simple. He loved her. She reached out one smal, cold hand and placed it on his cheek.

'Thank you, Ralph. Thank you for caring so much. Thank you for the paintings and the food and the peonies. Thank you for being there for me and for what you did tonight. I'm sorry I got angry with you, I'm sorry I'm so stubborn. It's just... it's just...'

Tes — I know — you like to be in control. I know that. I know
you.
That's why I knew I had to do what I did tonight.'

You realy care, don't you?'

Ralph nodded and took Jem's hand from his cheek and put it to his lips. 'You know I do, Jem. And you know I love you ...'

'Oh, Ralph!'

'... and you know that that was part of why I did what I did tonight

- because it would give me a chance, a chance to be with you, because as long as you were in love with Smith, that wasn't going to happen ...'

'Oh, Ralph!'

'... and I have so much respect for you for not wanting to hurt Smith. You're a better person than I am — he's my best mate and I don't have that level of loyalty to him. But now, now you know, now you know what he's realy like, and you're free, Jem! Free! I'm not expecting you to tel me you love me, I'm not expecting anything from you at al. I know that reading your diaries was a bad thing to do and I don't expect you to forgive me, but now we can be friends, and then, if nothing else ever happens, at least I'l know it's because you don't love me and not because of some misguided sense of love and loyalty you have for a pathetic little man who doesn't deserve to even breathe the same air as you. D'you understand?'

Jem smiled, enigmaticaly. Ralph continued. 'So, if we both live to be a hundred and you never fal in love with me, then that's cool, because at least
you could if you wanted
and ...'

Jem put a hand on each of Ralph's cheeks and kept smiling at him.

'... I mean, especialy so soon after al this stuff with Smith, you're probably feeling a bit
vulnerable
right now and so I wouldn't expect, you know,
anything,
you know, like that...'

Jem watched while Ralph talked, a look of tenderness and love spreading, like the rising sun, over her face. She leaned her body in a little nearer to his.

'... so, as long as we can stil be friends, you know, go out for meals, go to the pub sometimes, I don't need you to fal in love with me, wel, you know, not yet anyway, not immediately...'

Jem brought Ralph's face close in to hers and put one finger over his lips.

'It's al right, Ralph,' she whispered, grinning from ear to ear. 'It's al right. I love you.'

'What?' Ralph stopped his blabbering and screwed up his face.

'I love you!'

'But... but... but... realy? Realy and truly! You love me?'

Jem nodded.

Ralph's insides stood up and performed a standing ovation, his heart let off a voley of fireworks, his stomach fluttered with the wings of a milion doves and a shower of ticker-tape spiraled joyfuly through his mind. Jem loved him! She loved him! He leapt up from the bench and ran around it in circles, punching the air and whooping with joy. 'She loves me! She loves me!'

'Oh Jem,' he beamed, sitting down next to her and gripping her hands in his, 'you have just made me so happy. You'l never know how happy I feel right now. I love you! And you love me! We love each other, Jem, we love each other.' He puled her to him and almost crushed her in the best hug in the history of the world and then, suddenly, just when Jem thought he was going to kiss her, he stood up, grabbed her by the hand and began to run with her towards the party.

'Come on,' he laughed, 'we've got some unfinished business to attend to, haven't we? We've got to go back to the party and retrieve your dignity! Let's go!' he said, 'let's go and crucify Smith!'

But their mission was unexpectedly delayed by the sight, as they approached the galery, of Karl, red in the face, showing al his teeth and smashing his fist into the terrified face of a pretty blond man who lay stretched precariously across the bonnet of a showroom-new silver

BMW while Siobhan stood and screamed, tugging ineffectualy at the back of Karl's shirt.

You FUCKING BASTARD!' Jem and Ralph winced at the sound of cartilage cracking under knuckle and the sight of a smal plume of blood erupting like red ink from the flattened nose. You FUCKING

BASTARD!!'

'Karl, get
off I
Get off him! Please! Leave him alone!' Siobhan tugged again at the hem of his shirt, but it was useless to try to pul him off Rick: Karl was strong at the best of times; in his current rage he was superhuman.

You FUCKING BASTARD!' Jem and Ralph flinched as another blow cracked off the unfortunate Rick's cheekbone and yet another burrowed deep between his ribs with a sickeningly brittle popping sound.

'Help me! Help me!'
Rick's voice sounded tiny beneath Karl's armpit.
'Will someone please help me!'

'Ralph?' Jem nudged Ralph.

'What?'

'Can't you do something?'

'Oh, right — yeah.' He wandered uncertainly towards Siobhan.

'What's going on?' he asked.

'Oh, please,' sobbed Siobhan, 'please do something. He's going to kil him!'

Oh, God. This realy wasn't Ralph's scene at al. But he took a deep breath and launched himself at Karl's waist, linked his hands around him and tried to peel him off Rick like a mussel from a shipwreck.

Without turning, Karl swung a seemingly double-jointed arm at him and clouted him around the ear, but Ralph clung on, using his foot against the side of the car for leverage. Karl turned to see what exactly this annoying little parasite was playing at, realized it was Ralph and

immediately let Rick drop, like an out-of-favour toy, on to the bonnet of the car, with a resounding thud.

'It's you!' he boomed, 'it's you, you fucking bastard. This is al YOUR FAULT!'

Ralph's expression changed from one of a hapless have-a-go hero to one of terrified incomprehension within a milisecond.

'What?'

You FUCKING BASTARD!'

Oh, God - hadn't Ralph heard that somewhere before?

'Why are you doing this to me, eh? What have I ever done to YOU? Why are you trying to RUIN MY LIFE?'

Ralph shrugged and began to back away from Karl, surreptitiously.

And then, unfortunately, he smiled.

'What THE FUCK are you laughing at, you FUCKING

BASTARD!! You think this is FUNNY! You invite me to your party, to humiliate me and break my heart and you think that's FUNNY!'

'Look, mate, I'm sorry, I realy am, but I promise you, I'm not laughing at you and I'm not trying to ruin your life and I have no idea what the hel is going on here ...'

'Oh! You don't know,' Karl laughed, ominously. 'So, you
didn't
invite that slag Cheri, in there then, eh?'

Ralph nodded tautly. Yeah -1 did.'