Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child (31 page)

Remember to use the basic techniques of Emotion Coaching when you talk to your children about their fears. This means helping kids to recognize and label fear when it surfaces, talking about their fears in an empathetic way, and brainstorming ways to cope with various threats. Talking about strategies for coping with real-life dangers like fire, strangers, or illness provides a good opportunity to discuss issues of prevention as well. If your child expresses fear of fire, for example, you might respond, “The thought of a fire in our house is scary. That’s why we always have a smoke detector ready to warn us if something is burning.”

Also keep in mind that children may talk about their fears in indirect ways. A boy who asks whether there are still orphanages probably isn’t interested in a lecture on child welfare policy; he’s thinking about his own fears of abandonment. Listen, therefore, to the emotion behind the question—especially when you hear your child query about topics that touch on scary issues like abandonment or death.

M
IDDLE
C
HILDHOOD
(A
GES
E
IGHT TO
T
WELVE
)

D
URING THIS PERIOD
of childhood, kids are beginning to relate to a larger social group and understand social influence. They may begin to notice who is in and who is out among their peers. At the same time, children are developing cognitively, learning the power of intellect over emotion.

Because of your child’s growing awareness of peer influence, you may begin to discern that one of his primary motivations in life is to avoid embarrassment at all costs. Children this age often become quite particular about the style of clothes they wear, the kind of backpack they’ll carry, the type of activities they’ll be seen doing. They’ll go to great lengths to avoid calling attention to themselves, especially if it might lead to teasing or criticism from their friends. While this can be irritating to parents who want their children to be leaders, not followers, conformity at this age is quite healthy. It
means that your child is becoming adept at reading social cues, a skill that will serve him well throughout his life. And in middle childhood, it’s particularly important because children this age can be merciless in their teasing and humiliation. Indeed, teasing is the forge that forms many standards of behavior at this age. Girls tease as well as boys, although with boys, teasing may also extend to physical confrontation.

With the stakes so high, children soon learn that the best response to teasing is to show no emotional response at all. Protest, cry, tattle, or get angry when the ringleader is stealing your hat or calling you names and you risk further humiliation and rejection. Turn the other cheek and you’ve got a good chance at maintaining your dignity. Because of this dynamic, children perform an “emotion-ectomy” of sorts, cutting feelings out of the arena of peer relations. While most children master it, our studies found that the ones who master it best are those who learn, through Emotion Coaching, how to regulate their emotions earlier in childhood.

This “cool” attitude toward peer relationships may be confusing for parents who have been good Emotion Coaches for their children. In our parenting groups, we found that moms and dads often mistakenly think that all children this age need to do when they have a conflict with peers is to share their feelings with the other child and work things out. While this strategy may work in preschool, it can be a disaster in middle childhood, when expressing emotions is seen as a social liability. Emotion-Coached children are likely to have developed the social insight to know this. They’ll be able to read their peers’ cues and act appropriately.

At the same time children this age are trying to stifle their emotions, they are becoming more aware of the power of intellect. At around age ten or so, many experience a dramatic increase in their ability to reason logically. I like to compare them to
Star Trek’s
Mr. Spock, who shuns feelings, but revels in the world of logic and reason. They enjoy responding to the world as if their minds were computers. Tell a nine-year-old to “pick up your socks,” for example, and he may lift each sock up and then put it down in place, explaining, “You didn’t tell me to
put them away.”

Such sassiness and mockery of the adult world is typical of a child who is looking at life in terms of black and white, either-or,
right and wrong. Suddenly aware of all the arbitrary and illogical standards operating in the world, a preteen may begin to perceive life as one big
Mad
magazine. Adults are seen as hypocrites, while mockery and contempt of grown-ups become the child’s favorite “emotions.”

Emerging out of all of this judgment and evaluation is a child’s sense of his own values. You may notice your child becoming quite concerned at this age with what is moral and just. He may conceive of “pure worlds” where all people are treated as equals, where Nazism and war could never arise, where tyranny could never exist. He may become contemptuous of an adult world that could allow such atrocities as the slave trade or the Inquisition. He will begin to doubt, he will begin to challenge, he will begin to think for himself.

The irony, of course, is her simultaneous commitment to the arbitrary and tyrannical standards of her own peer group. At the same time she’s espousing an individual’s right to freedom of expression, she may limit her wardrobe to one and only one style of designer sweatshirt. At the same time she is deeply concerned about cruel treatment of animals by the cosmetic industry, she may be participating in an unkind plot to exclude a certain classmate from the basketball game at recess.

How, as a parent, should you react to such inconsistencies? My advice is to let them go, recognizing that this is a time of exploration. Know that children’s total adherence to arbitrary rules in their peer world is part of a normal and healthy development. It reflects their ability to recognize standards and values in their peer world that are related to acceptance and avoiding rejection.

If you find out that your child is involved in some treatment of another child that you consider unfair, let your child know how you feel. Use it as an opportunity to convey your values regarding kindness and fair play. But, unless the incident was truly mean, I would advise against an overly harsh response or punishment. Cliquishness and the exertion of peer pressure is normal behavior for children this age.

If your child complains of being excluded or unfairly treated by peers, you can use Emotion-Coaching techniques to help him cope with feelings of sadness and anger. Then, help him brainstorm solutions to the problem at hand. Explore, for example, the ways a person
goes about making and keeping friends. Don’t trivialize a child’s desire to fit in, to dress and act like other children in his age group. Instead, validate his desire for acceptance and be his ally in making it happen.

As for children’s mockery of adult conventions, I advise parents not to take their children’s criticisms personally. Sassiness, sarcasm, and contempt for adult values are normal tendencies of middle childhood. If you genuinely feel that your child has treated you rudely, however, tell him so in specific terms. (“When you make fun of my hairstyle, I feel like you don’t respect me.”) Again, this is a way to convey values such as kindness and mutual respect within the family. As always, children this age need to feel emotionally connected to their parents and they need the loving guidance that connection brings.

A
DOLESCENCE

T
HE TEEN YEARS
are a period marked by great concern with questions of identity: Who am I? What am I becoming? Who should I be? Don’t be surprised, therefore, if your child seems to become totally self-absorbed at some point in adolescence. His interest in family matters will wane as his relationships with friends take center stage. After all, it is through his friendships that he will discover who he is outside the familiar confines of home. And yet, even within his peer relationships, a teenager’s focus is usually on himself.

While doing research on children’s friendships, we once taped a conversation between two teen girls that epitomized the adolescent’s concern with self. Having just met, one of the girls revealed that she had spent the summer as a counselor at a camp for emotionally disturbed children. Rather than asking her new acquaintance for details, the second girl simply used the revelation as a launch pad for her own self-exploration. “Wow, that’s really interesting,” the second girl said, “but I could never do that. I have no patience. My sister hands me her new baby and I think he’s cute, but when he cries, I just hand him back like, ‘No, thanks.’ And I don’t think I could ever be a mom. No way. I have no patience. I don’t see how you could ever get the patience to be a counselor to
those kids. I suppose I should be more like you, but I’m not sure I could be. Do you think I could?”

And so the monologue continued as the girl compared herself to her new friend, wondering aloud about her ability to change and grow, considering which characteristics in herself she admired and which she detested. If she allowed the spotlight to shift, it was not because she wanted to get to know her friend more intimately, but because she wanted to further see her friend as a foil to herself. As it is with most teenagers, her friendship served as a vehicle for exploring her own identity.

Although extreme, this example shows the motivation beneath adolescent self-absorption. Teens are on a journey of self-discovery and they are constantly steering, first in one direction and then another, trying to find a way that’s true. They experiment with new identities, new realities, new aspects of self. Such exploration among teenagers is healthy.

Their way, however, is not always smooth. Hormonal changes may cause uncontrolled and rapid mood shifts. Unsavory forces in the social environment may exploit young people’s vulnerability, putting them at risk for problems like drugs, violence, or unsafe sexual activity. Yet the exploration continues as a natural and inevitable part of human development.

Among the important tasks teens face in this exploration is the integration of reason and emotion. If middle childhood can be represented by
Star
Trek’s highly rational Mr. Spock, then the best symbol for adolescence may be Captain Kirk. In his role at the helm of the Starship
Enterprise
, Kirk constantly faces decisions where his highly feeling, human side is pitted against his penchant for logical, empirically based reasoning. Of course, the good captain always finds just the right balance so as to provide impeccable leadership for his crew. He uses the kind of judgment we can only hope our teenagers will exercise when placed in situations where the heart hears one call and the head hears another.

Teens seem most likely to face such decisions around issues of sexuality and self-acceptance. A girl finds herself sexually attracted to a boy she doesn’t really respect. (“He is
so
cute. Too bad he has to open his mouth and ruin everything.”) A boy catches himself spouting opinions that he once protested in his father. (“I can’t believe
it! I sound just like my dad!”) Suddenly, the teen realizes that the world is not so black and white. It’s made up of many shades of gray and, like it or not, all those shades may be encompassed within the teen himself.

If finding one’s path in adolescence is difficult, so is being the parent of a teenager. That’s because most of your teen’s exploration of self must be done without you. As counselor and author Michael Riera writes, “
Until this point
you have acted as a ‘manager’ in your child’s life: arranging rides and doctors’ appointments, planning outside or weekend activities, helping with and checking on homework. You stay closely informed about school life, and you are usually the first person your child seeks out with the ‘big’ questions. Suddenly, none of this is applicable. Without notification and without consensus, you are fired from this role as manager. Now you must scramble and re-strategize; if you are to have a meaningful influence in your teenager’s life through adolescence and beyond, then you must work your tail off to get re-hired as a consultant.”

This, of course, can be an extremely delicate transition. A client doesn’t hire a consultant who makes him feel incompetent or threatens to take over his business. A client wants a consultant he can trust, who understands his mission and offers solid advice that will help him reach his goals. And at this point in life, a teenager’s primary goal must be achieving autonomy.

So how can you fulfill the role of advisor? How can you stay close enough to be an Emotion Coach while allowing your child the independence his development as a full-fledged adult requires? Here are a few pointers, based in large part on the work of psychologist and author Haim Ginott:

Accept that adolescence is a time for children to separate from their parents. Parents must accept, for example, that teenagers need their privacy. Eavesdropping on your son’s conversations, reading his journal, or asking too many probing questions gives him the message that you don’t trust him. This, in turn, sets up a barrier to communication. Your child may begin to see you as the enemy rather than his ally during difficult times.

Along with respecting a child’s privacy, you must respect his right to be restless and discontent at times. As poet and photographer Gordon Parks once wrote of his own adolescence, “
In its pain-bred name
,
I was rapturously unhappy.” Allow your child the space to experience this depth of feeling by avoiding obvious questions like, “What’s the matter with you?” Your teenager may be sad or angry or anxious or despondent, and such queries only imply your disapproval of these emotions.

If, on the other hand, your teen freely opens his heart to you, try not to act as if you instantly understand. Because of their fresh perspective, teenagers often feel that their experiences are unique. They feel insulted when adults find their behavior transparent, their motivations obvious. Therefore, take time with your listening and hear your teen with an open mind. Don’t assume that you already know and understand everything he has to say.