Queen of Hearts (5 page)

For all I knew, Flynn had moved on to some other chick. It wouldn’t have surprised me in the least. The man was seldom seen without some broad hanging off his arm. I’d obviously been something to spare his time, but that didn’t mean he was done with me. On the contrary—I wasn’t done with him.

I pulled out my blue dress, ran the room-provided iron over it to straighten the creases, and went to work on my hair and makeup. My hair had grown quite a bit and looked much lighter than usual. Spending all that time outdoors with Jackson had done a number on my hair, not to mention my skin. I’d never spent much time in the sun—premature wrinkles were bad for business—but the mild tan I had along with the deep blue of my dress worked for me. I wasn’t used to working so hard. I’d gotten used to putting that into the hands of professionals. Luckily, I still had good basics. I relied on that to get what I wanted.

I had an old picture of my mom—the only one I had. It always sat at my bedside. I looked so much like her, aside from my eyes. She had the same shiny, thick brown hair, the same high cheekbones and heart-shaped face. My top lip was fuller than the bottom, and in the picture, you can clearly see her pouty, sweet smile. She was petite and curvy, too, but I definitely had more curves.

I’d often wonder what it would’ve been like to have her around. One time, my dad told me that she liked to sing. She played the violin, too. I vaguely remember her singing to me as a child, but year after year, her voice disappeared.

For a long time, I wished she would’ve passed down some of those talents, but she was gone too fast. She did leave me with her beauty. I hoped when she looked down at me, she was proud of that, at least.

Once I was dressed and primped within an inch of my life, I decided to hit the strip. It was time to see if Lady Luck was still on my side.

~~***~~

T
hey say a leopard never changes its spots, and apparently, I was a cat of the same coat.

It was clear as day that normal just hadn’t suited me. For the first time in a while, I felt alive. All those years I planned my escape from the only life I’d ever known, and being back in the town I was raised in, the familiarity, the energy, the excitement... I realized there was never another path for me. I wasn’t a normal girl. Period.

I was constantly teetering on the edge of right and wrong, and that hadn’t changed, no matter where I was logistically.

I fed on the adventure. I wanted more. Needed more. Thrived on the challenge. And I was making that Craps table my bitch.

It’d been a while since I’d gambled, and I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed it. My dad always said I had a natural gift of luck, which I never believed. I think it was the fact that I was so determined to win. Nothing else would do. The men were intimidated by a woman at the table, especially a woman that was eagerly taking all their damn money. My dad, he had the luck, but eventually that luck ran out. I was betting on my very soul to put some money in my pocket so I could pull off my next job.

I played for hours. I’d hit three of my hot spots, and then finally retired back at my hotel room. I’d made a little over ten grand, and that was a start. My cushion was getting bigger, and my bloodlust wasn’t even close to being quenched.

There was no doubt that word would get back to Flynn that I was back in town. I made sure I looked good and that I was seen. I had a feeling he already knew, especially since Vince said he’d had a tail on me, but I didn’t want to leave any stone unturned. I was going after his ass, and I wanted to make sure he saw it coming.

My only fear was that once I saw him again, I’d fall right back into his trap. I wasn’t convinced that I’d be able to stay as strong as I felt when I was face to face. I felt brave, but it was mostly the anger and confusion. I couldn’t afford the other feelings to surface.

T
he next day, I grabbed the list I’d made the night before and hit the town. I needed to do some shopping, see some people, and do a little snooping. If I played my cards right, I’d have what I needed by the weekend, and then I could deal with the bigger picture—the future.

I wanted to make sure I was on top of my game. Walking into the Maguires’ lair unprepared was a huge mistake. I’d underestimated them before, but I knew Flynn’s weakness. Me. I would dish up the distraction on a silver platter before I took it all away, leaving him with the same withered soul as he’d left me with.

One thing I loved about Vegas was the diversity. The variety of prime shopping venues was a huge plus. It’d been a long time since I’d been able to shop that way, and it only exhilarated me more. Minute by minute, task by task, I was falling right back into the real me, and I found it freeing. As much as I liked the person I found while living on the other side, I realized I needed this other part of me also. Maybe it was shallow, but I felt so much more alive in my new clothes.

And sexy.

I changed into a linen dress, put on a pair of strappy sandals, and headed back out. I was both nervous and excited to see Pamela, and only hoped she would be receptive when I showed up. I’d berated myself for hours the night before, hating the fact that she’d been swept up in all my drama, but she was my only link to Vince, and I had to know if he was okay. I wouldn’t be able to rest or think straight until I knew where he was.

I pulled into the underground parking garage of the building and headed straight up to her office. I couldn’t help the smile that grew on my face when I spotted her standing at the end of the hall, looking as amazing as usual with a smirk on her face and her hands on her hips.

“I knew you’d come back for me, King. Just couldn’t stay away.”

I picked up my pace, and as soon as I was within reach, I wrapped my arms around her waist and squeezed tight, smiling when she did the same, lifting me off my feet.

“Get your ass in my office, girl. Tell me all about your adventure.”

I gave the receptionist a little wave, letting her know I’d caught her staring, and followed Pam into her office. It looked like she’d done a little remodeling, and I smiled. Everything the woman did was perfect.

She waved at a smooth leather loveseat across the room and led me toward it. “Do you want anything to drink?”

I straightened my skirt, crossed my left leg over right, and pivoted in my seat to face her. “Water would be perfect.”

She smiled, wrinkling her nose a bit. “It’s well after noon. Are you sure you don’t want something a little more fun? I mix a mean martini.”

I shook my head. “I’m good. I’ve been drinking too much lately. I was never much of a drinker, and I need to lay off.”

She raised her eyebrow and shrugged. “Water coming right up. You don’t mind if I imbibe?”

“Of course not.”

She sighed, pouring herself a short glass of something thick and brown. “I have a feeling I’m going to need this. When I got your call, I knew it couldn’t be good.” She brought the bottle of water over and then went back across the room.

“Well, that depends on what you have to tell me.”

She turned, swishing the liquor around in the glass, and propped her hip on the edge of her desk. “Are you pissed off that I told Vince where you were?”

Shaking my head, I uncapped the bottle and took a sip, my throat suddenly as dry as the air outside. “I’m not mad at you at all. A little heads-up would’ve been nice, however. He nearly scared the life out of me.”

Her eyes bugged and then she covered up a little laugh. “Leave it to Vince. So damn dramatic.”

Rolling my eyes, I laughed as well. “Tell me about it. He came in stealth and in disguise.”

She took a swig of the drink and licked her lips. “So, he convinced you to come home, I take it?”

I sighed, ready to blow into the whole story. “Yes and no. I think I was just waiting for a reason to leave, to be honest. I was fooling myself that I’d be content there. I mean, I could’ve moved on, but I was just trying so hard to renew myself, grab a little bit of normal, and it pretty much blew up in my face.”

“It’s not easy starting over, Jayne. There’s no reason to be ashamed of trying. This is what you know. We all want a comfort zone. It’s really the only reason I go home for the holidays. My parents are awful, my sister makes me homicidal, and the weather is shitty, but I love the way it feels when I first take that turn onto my parents’ street. It’s home. It’s where I began, what I know.”

I let that mull around in my head for a minute, and the fact was it made sense. That was pretty much how I felt, too.

“Well, you’re here now. What are you going to do with yourself? Am I to assume you’re going to pick up where you left off?”

My eyes snapped up to meet hers, and I shook my head furiously. “Definitely not. The one thing I learned, the one thing I gained while I was there, was a part of me that decided I never want that again.”

“O-kay,” she drawled out slowly. “I didn’t mean anything...”

I held up my hand. “No, I know you didn’t. What I meant to say is that... I want other things. Doing what I was doing, I can’t have those things, not the way I want them, anyway. I go back and forth between being ashamed of the way I lived for so long, and not giving a shit. The things I want—a family, especially—wasn’t conducive with being a hooker. I don’t want to have to hide what I am, and the only way I can live in peace is by living straight.”

She grinned. “Well, sounds like you really thought about it.”

I nodded. “I have. A lot. I had a piece of normal there, and even though it wasn’t easy or fun being broke and working so hard, I had this sense of pride I’d never felt before. I thought a lot about my mom, and the things she gave up to be a mother to me and a wife to my father, and I want to be a woman she’d be proud of. I just have this feeling in my gut that she wouldn’t have liked the way I turned out.”

Pamela frowned, reached over and rubbed my knee, and cleared her throat. “We all do things that someone doesn’t approve of, Jayne. Do you have any idea how long I struggled before I came out to my family? The shame and guilt I laid on myself, thinking that I was letting them down, disappointing them? Well, let me tell you. A long fucking time. Like I said, I understand. I know all too well how it feels to hide what you are. You, Jayne, are a good woman. So you fuck for money? That is hardly the worst thing you could do. You help people, even though it may be misunderstood. You’re offering them something they’re missing, something they lack in their lives. Like I said; there are far worse things to be ashamed of.”

I wiped away a tear that started running down my cheek. The speech was one I’d tried to give myself for years to appease the guilt and the humiliation when I’d get down on myself. Hearing it from her was much different. It made sense and made me feel better.

“Like what?” I asked.

“Like, I don’t know... you could be a lawyer.”

I looked up at her and for a beat, we both stared at each other. And then I laughed. Because she was right.

“Now, let’s get down to the real juicy stuff.” She folded her long legs underneath her, kicking her shoes to the floor. “What about Flynn?”

“What about him?”

She laughed, and I’d missed her laugh so much. Being with Pam was about the closest I’d ever been to having a girlfriend. Strippers were catty bitches, and escorts—well, it was all business, and in my eyes, there was never a reason to befriend a rival. I’d just never connected with other women very well. With Pamela, it was natural and fun.

“What about him? What do you mean what about him? You can’t tell me that you coming back has nothing to do with him. I may not know you well, Jayne, but I know enough after the last conversation we had. What you two went through, what you had, doesn’t just evaporate. Maybe I’m just a romantic idiot, but I can’t help but feel that there is something between you two that will never go away. It’ll never be over. His touch was permanent.”

I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. It hit a little too close to the surface, too true to ignore. “He broke me, Pamela. Like, irreversible breakage. I’d never loved anyone before, not like that. He betrayed me, and there’s no coming back from that.”

She took a slow sip from her glass and then bent down, setting it on the floor. “Listen to me, Jayne. Love isn’t black and white. What if things aren’t what they seem? What if he was telling the truth? What if it had nothing to do with him? Are you willing to throw all that away?”

I immediately went on the defensive. “He knew what his father was doing, and he continued on like nothing was happening. He lied to me. Things could’ve gone a lot differently in that building if he’d been honest with me. I can’t forgive him. He fucked everything up.”

She reached over and brushed my hair off my shoulder, her gaze steady on my eyes. “You have a lot of unfinished business, and I can feel the anger. You’re so full of it, I can almost smell it. You need to keep an eye on your heart and protect your soul, Jayne. We only get one shot in this life. Don’t let your hatred and disappointment define you. I think you need to forgive yourself, too. Stop holding all this in. Stop living in the past. Take a look at the future and decide what you really want. And need.”

“Are we speaking from experience?” I whispered.

“Always.”

M
y visit with Pamela had been enjoyable, but not very informative. She hadn’t heard from Vince since he’d come looking for me, and when he contacted her then, he hadn’t been real forthcoming about what he’d been up to since I’d left. I had all kinds of bad feelings, and the warning signs were as vivid as the lights on the strip.

She promised to keep in touch in case he contacted her, and I was sure he would. He had no way of finding me, but I had a feeling, knowing him, he knew I’d follow him back.

So, there was nothing for me to do but wait, and while I waited, I would tackle my biggest task. Once I dealt with Flynn, I was sure things would be a lot easier for Vince and me when we reconnected.

That night, I put on my best dress, my highest heels, and painted myself up to hit the town. I was going recon, to scope out my prey and sketch out my next play. It was hard to admit to myself that I was eager to see him. It was pathetic and truly insane, but those incredibly strong feelings were there. They were blanketed and coated with pure hate, but as they say, the line between love and hate was a fine one.