Queen (Mistress & Master of Restraint) (9 page)

“What is it?” I can hear the emotion in his voice and
it reminds me of what I heard from my mom’s mouth.

They’
ve never known anything thing but hardship. They would be willing to sign their lives away for just a chance to live in a different class. They’ve never seen the elite from the inside. They have a fantasy built in their minds. I’ve walked both paths and neither is worth your soul.

“They want me to be a surrogate.” I listen to see if my mom is still sleeping. “Mom thinks it’s just to carry their child. No, they want my child. I met Ade’s brother and Father
, and they haven’t given me a moment’s peace since. I guess they want my blood in their family.”

“I
could see it, Sweetheart. You’re so damned smart, and strong. Your hair is a disaster, though,” he laughs. “But you’re the most beautiful creature I’ve ever seen.” He holds me tighter and kisses the top of my head.

“I don’t think I can do it. It’s my child. I’ve never backed down. I think I will see what they throw at me. I w
ouldn’t respect myself if I don’t at least try to avoid it.”

“All I know is that I don’t want you to stay here. I’d love to keep you for myself. I’ve spent the last few years avoiding any attraction I have to you because I’ve seen how stupid woman ca
n be when it comes to a man. I’m not that selfish to keep you. I’m not saying that a few endearments and some money would blind you, but I know how I feel for you and it can be intoxicating.”

I’ve seen i
t too. The girls around here would say when they were younger that they wanted to get out of here and between the ages of fourteen and sixteen they lost their minds. All of them have a kid or two and they aren’t with the guys they fell for. They are just perpetuating the cycle and their children will as well. The Regal’s cycle ends with me.

I could see how easy it would be to love Roman. I try not to truly look at him and see who he really is
, and it’s a struggle. I’m not talking his movie-star looks or that he’s a dealer. We all do things to survive in this neighborhood that we aren’t proud of and I don’t judge. I can see the goodness in him and it’s intoxicating. If I allowed myself I would continue the cycle with him, but I’ll never allow it and neither will he. We both know that the odds of him leaving this neighborhood are slim to none.

Instead of expressing any of the thoughts that are raging through my mind I kiss his cheek so close to his lips that I can feel the heat from his mouth. I try my hardest not to move that last
centimeter and kiss him. He freezes under my touch trying not to give into the temptation. I slowly move and I hear a gasp.

I bolt upright
and run to my mother’s side. She’s breathing shallowly. I can hear the wheeze of her breath as she tries to breathe through the fluid drowning her. I grab her hand and Roman takes my free hand. We both stare down to my dying mother. She keeps trying to say something and I know it’s time.

“Ma, I’ll be okay, I promise.
” I know those words are more important to her than anything else I could possibly say.

“I’m so proud of you,” she wheezes out. The words are broken, but I
fill them in and know what she’s trying to say. She gasps the words that mean more to me than anything else. I want to make my parents proud. I want to be proud of myself.

Her eyelids flutter several times until her eyes roll up into her head. A loud expulsion of air is released from her chest and her fingers go lax in my hand.
I allow them to slip from between my fingertips and gently fold her arms on her chest above her heart.

I stand in shock knowing she’
s no longer with me. I can no longer feel her with me. There’s an empty void inside of me where she used to be.

She has moved on from the pain and misery.
It happened in the blink of an eye. One moment she was with me and gone the next. I never told her I loved her. It went without saying. Our last words were filled with all the things left unsaid. I want to cry and no tears come.

I feel sick
ened that a smile breaks across my face. It isn’t from pleasure or happiness. It’s because she is finally free- free of the pain, free to move on and find my father in the everafter. I have to believe in an eternal existence. The alternative of fading into dust and floating on the wind is too devastating to contemplate. This can’t be it. Please don’t let this be it. Our trial and tribulations must lead us to where we deserve. I will believe- I do believe. 
Her last gift to me was allowing me to move on too.

“She would want you to move on. You have nothing to regret. You did right by her.” Roman’s voice is rough with unshed tears. His eyes glisten with the tears that will not come to mine.
He says exactly what I was thinking, exactly what I needed to hear.

Chapter Ten

I rest my head on the back of my couch
waiting for the clock to say it’s time to go to work and I feel numb. It’s been over a week since she passed. I went to work the very next day trying to move forward the best I could. My days and nights feel empty without all the extra work and companionship she brought into my life. I come home expecting her to call to me from the bedroom. I miss sitting on the edge of the bed discussing the events of my day. I will always miss sharing my hopes, dreams, and fears. I don’t think I will ever find someone to share those with. I don’t think I could ever truly trust someone to accept me as she did. She was my mother and no one can take her place. I am alone in this world now. I have no family. The friends I have I wouldn’t trust enough to watch my back. From now on I’m my everything. I will take care of my every need.

Today I scattered
her ashes in the river and said my final goodbyes to the wind. There will be no place to visit for comfort, no headstone next to my father’s.

I didn’t have the money for a proper burial. I couldn’t even afford the cremation. The residents of the
neighborhood, even the ones that didn’t know her, took up a collection. It was almost enough to bring the tears that refuse to release. The people of my community, who barely have enough to eat, offered what little they could give.

This morning we said a few words out on the street in front of my building. This afternoon, with Fate and Roman by my side
, I allowed the wind to free my mother’s ashes to the river and swore that one day I would add her name next to my father’s on his headstone.

I’
m at a turning point of my life and I have to wait. It’s frustrating. I’m treading water. I don’t start college for seven more weeks. I don’t want to be here that long. I don’t want to be here at all. I don’t like living in a home that is filled with my mother’s agony and loss. I don’t like seeing the reminders of what I am- poor. It makes me feel weak and I never want to feel weak again.

The clock signals that I can finally make my escape to the coffee shop.
I make sure my thrift shop black pants are wrinkle-free and open the door.

Grant is on the other side with his hand raised ready to knock. I immediately shut it in his face catching sight of his
sad, blue eyes. I curse because I’ll be late to work if I don’t leave right now. I’m not a coward and I will not be treed by a Whittenhower.

“
Regina, let me in.” I know he tries to sound commanding, but he will never command me. He doesn’t have it in him.

“What do you want, Grant? Oh, I know, my child. I don’t fucking think so.” I lock the deadbolts from the outside and run down the steps trying to get away from him. He’s in good shape, but he hasn’t run up and down these stairs for almost three years. I almost get away from him and he catches up with me down the block.

“Leave me alone, Grant. I fucking mean it. I have nothing to lose of any importance. Don’t tempt me,” I warn.

“You have a lot more to lose then you r
ealize. I’m trying to help you,” he hisses in frustration. “Just come with me and I will make your life for the better.” He pleads with me and I can hear the sincerity in his voice. His fear is obvious. Fear for me or him?

“I’ll take my chances.” I
run down the street rushing into the coffee shop and fling the door so that he has to catch it or get hit with it.

“Is he bothering you?” My boss asks
in concern. He’s used to Grant, but not the expression of fear on my face.

“Yeah, he is,” I say
breathlessly. I want him from my sight. Looking at him will make me face what I can’t overcome. I know in my heart I will eventually relent, but not until I’ve fought as hard as I can.

“You need to
leave now, Sir. You’re not welcome in here again.” My boss growls the words.

I ha
ven’t worked here long, but he’s fond of me already. A good, reliable employee is an asset. And he has seen Grant here every other day for weeks. We’re all sick of his handsome, sincere face.

“Regina, when the car
comes get in the fucker.” His voice is firm and I wince.

I’ve never heard him speak with such authority. I ignore him and go behind the counter and tie my apron on. I watch as Rob pushes Grant out the door. I see their lips rapidly moving as they
argue in the street. I feel bad. No one should have to deal with a Whittenhower because of me. I should deal with my own problems without having someone do it for me, especially my boss. It’s cowardly. I push forward to intervene just as Grant points at me through the shop-window. He looks crazed. He mouths
BE READY.
He abruptly turns and walks away.

Chapter Eleven

Today is one of the worst days of my life and considering how my recent past has been that is strongly saying something.

I’
m late for work because of the tantrum I threw when I received a letter from the people who donated my scholarship.
We regretfully inform that we are no longer offering the scholarship that was awarded to you. Please accept our deepest apologies.

It said something along those lines. As soon as I saw that my scholarship was revoked I didn’t give a shit what else it said. I tore the paper into a thousand pieces and ransacked anything within arm’s reach in my apartment.

I immediately called Ade and told her that I never wanted to see her again. Needless to say, she wasn’t surprised by my outburst.

Losin
g my parents was horrible, but there isn’t a guarantee to have those you love walk this earth with you. I know that I have to rely on myself, but I have no idea how I’m supposed to get to school with no money. I can’t get financial aid since I owe a fortune in medical bills. I don’t fucking know- maybe a roommate and try to pay for community college. It’s ridiculous since I’m one of the top ten in the country. I know better than to try to get another scholarship. Those fucking Whittenhowers would just take it away again.

“Hey, Rob, sorry I’m late.” I say to my boss as I walk behind the counter and get ready for work. He gives me a look I can’t decipher.

“Paycheck,” he slaps the envelope into my hand.

My stomach stirs in anticipation. I have worked both jobs fulltime. I should have enough money to pay the bills and have some left over. Rob give
s me a look full of sympathy as I rip open the envelope.

I stare in shock at my paycheck- zero- z
ip- zilch. Three-hundred-sixty-two-dollars and some change all gone, withheld for collections. I lower my head and breathe deeply through my nose trying not to scream in frustration. I have a bad feeling about this. I know that my paycheck from
Digital Nation
will be zero as well. I will not work for nothing. Why should I pay those bills when I don’t even have a mother? It would have paid millions of dollar if I still had my mother, but I don’t.

“Regina, I’m so sorry. I know how hard you work. Ken called and said your check at DN is the same. I’m going to save you the agony of indecision. I won’t allow you to work for nothing and neither will Ken. I’m sorry- you’re fired from here and the electronics store. It’s for your own good.
” He gives me that look again.

I don’t cry, scream, or throw a fit. I slowly untie my apron and hand it to
him. I know deep-down that he’s doing me a favor; that I’m not being fired because of my performance. I feel tears prickle as they have for the past two weeks, but they do not manifest.

I walk away from my jobs with my head held high in dignity.

I walk down the block in a daze. You never walk down my streets without being on alert. I could be mugged and I wouldn’t realize until it’s too late. Actually, go ahead- I have nothing left to lose.

They have backed me into a corner. G
rant tried to warn me and I might as well have waved red in front of a bull. Mr. Daniel Whittenhower Sr. isn’t someone that you deny. I knew this all along and yet I had to try. I don’t know why he picked me and I guess it doesn’t matter now. Once the head of the Whittenhowers sets his sights on you, he gets what he wants. If I were older, more experienced, and had money on my side; if I hadn’t been born into the life I was given, I could have taken him on head-to-head. If it were a battle of wills I would win hands down. I know this and it allows my head to rise, my shoulders to go back, and my iron-will to infuse my being. I put one foot in front of the other and walk into what I have left in my life. I will persevere because I will accept nothing less. It’s the journey that may be very uncomfortable.