Put on Your Crown (17 page)

When my mom saw my face, she was horrified,
but then I told her what happened. She was proud of the way I fought back. The
fact that her little girl had the courage to stand up when lines were crossed gave her comfort. She told a neighbor, whose
son was known and respected among the different crews in the area, and he went with me and my mother around the streets of
our community, stepping on corners and knocking on doors to tell certain people, “You see this girl? She’s off-limits! Don’t
touch, or you answer to me!”

By the time I hit my teens, I was very aware of personal boundaries. I went through a promiscuous phase. I was sexually curious
at an early age, which tends to happen when you get introduced to things you shouldn’t even know about when you’re a child.
But when I did experiment, I was in control, or at least I thought I was. Emotionally, I kept everyone at a distance.

That hurt me in my dating life. I had boyfriends, but between the sexual abuse and my parents separating and eventually divorcing,
I didn’t have much faith in relationships. I definitely didn’t trust guys. Sure, there were great men in my life, like my
father and my brother and a lot of platonic male friends and even a few boyfriends; but after what happened to me, I was convinced
that romantically, things just weren’t meant to work out. I had a certain confusion in my
relationships and major commitment
issues. I could have been married a long time ago had I not been so self-protective. In my personal life, I didn’t just have
boundaries, I had ten-foot walls!

I’m getting better at it, but dating has always been my Achilles’ heel. I was able to excel at other stuff much more easily.
I had a clearer understanding of what to do in order to make things happen. But when it came to my personal life, in my mind
I made it much more complicated than it needed to be. And it didn’t help that I would watch men with a certain eye, especially
when they were around kids. I know plenty of guys who are great with kids, and wonderful parents, but I still take an extra
look at people. If I see a little girl on a man’s lap, and I think she’s been there a little too long, I get suspicious, especially
if he’s not the father. I just don’t trust it. I’ve been through it, and I know how subtle and sneaky sexual deviance can
be. These guys always have this in the backs of their minds, and they’re always looking for opportunities to act out those
ideas on some kid. Most people don’t think that way, but once you know, you know, and in a lot of ways I wish I didn’t have
that knowledge.

As a result of all that happened to me early in life, my personal boundaries are a little too strong at times, yet I allow
my business boundaries to get
broken all the time. (I tend to go in extremes.) I’m better about saying no, but it’s a constant
balancing act, and when things get out of whack, it can really mess me up.

About six years ago, after
Chicago
, my career was going gangbusters, and Shakim and I were saying yes to just about every opportunity that came our way. I worked
three times harder than I ever had in my life, and I’d always worked pretty hard to begin with. I was doing two or three movies
a year, plus my music career, and multiple endorsement deals, including my CoverGirl partnership. For three years, I did not
take a vacation. The most I could get was a Sunday off, but even then my phone was always ringing. It got to the point where
I was constantly exhausted. But I still had to get up, put on a happy face, do the interviews, make the appearances, turn
up at the award shows. I had all these things to do, and there was no way I could get out of doing them if I really wanted
to make these different branches of my career a success. If you want certain things in life, you have to show up, no matter
how you are feeling that day.

To deal with the fact that I wasn’t going to be able to take a break in the middle of all this, I started to drink. I began
to have a few drinks at night just to unwind. But the amount I was drinking increased over time. This can happen to a lot
of people who do
what I do. When you’re on a set fourteen hours a day for three to six months straight, there’s no time to
unwind. You come home late at night, then go back out to the set early the next morning. In between, alcohol becomes a way
to unwind. Add to that the fact that acting wasn’t my only job. On weekends, I had my business to run and a music career to
maintain. It didn’t stop. Because I was working so hard, I felt entitled to party hard. But it was getting out of control,
and I was losing Dana Owens under all of that.

Finally, Shakim said something: “Dana, are you okay?” He’d noticed my drinking, and he was getting worried. “You know there’s
nothing I wouldn’t do for you. I just want to make sure you’re all right.”

“You know what, Sha, I don’t think I am okay. As a matter of fact, I think I may be drowning over here.”

That conversation gave us the opportunity to check in with each other. We had a real heart-to-heart, and I expressed everything
I was feeling about my life and how I felt that it wasn’t even my life anymore, because I was living on everyone else’s schedule.
He shared a few of the things that he was going through, and we came together as friends. We decided we would make some changes.
One major change was that I was going to start taking vacations. I was going to do what the Italians do and take off the
entire
month of August. They’ve got it right. They take breaks in the middle of the day, eat good food, and enjoy a nice glass of
wine. They take time off to decompress and enjoy life.

But I didn’t take just the month-long vacations. I also stopped working on Sundays. Even God rested on the seventh day, and
if He needs a break, so do I. Even if it’s just for a few hours on that one day, to relax in your own space, do it! I found
a way to incorporate little escapes into my schedule year-round, even if it just means a drive to some country inn an hour
away. And I have one hard-and-fast rule that I stick to: “I am out of town and unavailable.
Don’t call me!
”

There are lots of different ways to take a vacation, even if you can’t afford a month off to travel somewhere exotic. Some
people just need that time first thing in the morning to go to the gym, where they can’t take any calls and there’s no one
to bother them. For some women, it’s going to the spa and having a massage. Some people wake up and meditate or read their
holy book, whatever that may be. It’s their time with themselves, and it should be sacrosanct.

For me, it’s taking a few minutes out of my day to just breathe. Yoga taught me how to concentrate on the breath, and it’s
been a helpful tool for finding balance in my life. Before I go to bed at night, especially if I can’t sleep, I just sit and
take ten deep breaths. When I get up in the morning, I give myself ten minutes to clear my head of all the clutter. I just
clear my mind or think of something positive. I switch off my phone and concentrate on breathing and stretching, trying not
to focus on anything else that’s coming my way. And somehow it works. When I start my day like that, I feel so much more positive
and prepared for whatever it is I have to face. Like the August vacation, when I come back all recharged and ready to conquer
the world, this mini mental break helps me decompress and frees my spirit.

Just breathe. Take ten minutes. Even if you just have to lock yourself in the bathroom. Take that time to be with yourself,
by yourself.

Yoga’s a great way to get back in touch with yourself. It teaches you to move and stretch toward your pain. When you’re holding
certain poses, that pain becomes a measure of where you are, physically and emotionally, and the more you do it, the farther
you can get. The pain makes you aware of the moment. I’m no yogi or guru, but I’ve learned over the years that sometimes we
run away from the pain,
and when we do that, when we mask the pain, our emotional issues tend to pile up like a bunch of dirty
laundry. You can’t think straight in a space that’s all cluttered like that. But when you run toward the pain and face it
down, you can get rid of it.

It all comes back to boundaries. Whether it’s your personal life, your business dealings, or even just your relationship with
yourself, your soul needs to strike that balance between yes and no. I’m not perfect. I get thrown off balance very easily.
This past year has been hectic, and I haven’t taken the time for myself I needed. There was too much to get done. That’s why
I am glad I’m writing this book. I’m going to go back and read my own words, again and again. It will be a reminder to me
to heed my own advice. So, Dana, if you’re reading this for the tenth, twentieth, or hundredth time, here it is:

Take the time to check in with yourself, regularly. Don’t lose yourself. Love yourself.

The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate.

—O
PRAH
W
INFREY

I
put my hands over my eyes before they lifted up the cover, for maximum impact. Then I saw it. That beautiful new star on
the Hollywood Walk of Fame. I reached out to touch it—to make sure it was real. Then I ran my hands over my name in polished
brass. I caressed the shiny pink granite embedded in the ground. This was it. I made it. And it was all the more special because
I was with the people who believed in me the whole time. That morning of January 6, 2006, was a moment of pure, unadulterated
joy that I will never forget. It had to be, hands down, one of the best moments of my life. Dad was to my right and Mom was
to my left, and friends and family were all around me. The look was all over my face. I was like a little kid kneeling on
the red carpet,
squealing with delight. My heart was also overflowing with love and appreciation for my fans. They lifted
me up and got me to that point. Without them, none of this would have been possible. I wanted to tell each and every one of
them how much their support meant to me. I said:

“Stay up, peace, and I love you, fans, fans, fans! It’s you who made queen,
Queen
!”

Mom, who presented the star to me, gave a speech that summed it up perfectly:

“Who would have known that in the seventies, when a pink eight-pound baby girl was born, this is where she would be today?
She came out screaming, ‘Look out, world, here I come!’”

Who would have known?

We have to savor these moments for all they’re worth. They’re not permanent. They don’t happen every day, and they may never
happen again. I got real comfortable down there on that sidewalk. I blew my star a kiss. I didn’t want to leave!

I didn’t even know until that day that I was the first hip-hop artist to ever get a star on the Walk of Fame. It’s one of
the few forms of recognition I really
wanted. That star is inspiration. It’s someone’s dream. I remember walking down Hollywood
Boulevard when I was seventeen and seeing all those names and thinking, “Wow, look at that! That’s so-and-so and so-and-so.
I would love to be able to do that.” I knew the only way of being able to get that kind of recognition was to accomplish a
lot. So for me to have come from where I’m from, a regular girl from Newark, New Jersey, it was confirmation that, yes, you
can
do anything.

I felt like my life had come full circle. Some other girl from the ’hood is going to walk the Walk of Fame, look down and
see my name, and think, “Wow, she’s from Newark like me!” Or, “Wow, she’s a bigger girl like me!” “If she can do it, I can
do it!”

And it can’t get more real than the ground under your feet. They gave me a prime piece of real estate, right next to Michael
Jackson’s tile near the northwest corner of Hollywood and North Orange. I have a music legend right next door to me. It doesn’t
matter how many people walk on top of it. The star doesn’t have to be spit-shined. It’s right there, in a location where everybody
can see it. It’ll be there after I’m gone. My place. We all want a place. We all want to feel as if we contributed. We all
want to be acknowledged. That doesn’t happen by having everything handed to you. It happens only when you strive
for it. That
star was proof that, yeah, I’ve done a couple of things.

We kept the celebrations going all day. I did some interviews, then we all had lunch and hung out for a few hours. Then some
friends threw me a party at the Standard Hotel. We had a blast. The music was great, and all of us—my mom, my dad, my entire
extended family, all of my closest friends, and I—danced the night away.

You’ve got to celebrate. Like I learned when Winki died, life isn’t promised, and those special moments need to be cherished
for whatever they are, whether they’re a graduation, a promotion, a wedding day, or even a small thing like losing five pounds.
We get so caught up in our business that too often we forget how to live, and we miss all those moments that should be giving
us joy.

There’s no point in taking a big bite out of life unless you take the time to savor the flavor. Some women never learn how
to do this enough. They let the belief that they aren’t good enough hold them back. They downplay their successes, almost
apologizing for them. We’re quick to recognize and support others in their achievements, but we put the words “I’m just” in
front of our job title or role in life, as if it’s not even worthy of a mention. We need to do better for ourselves. The queen
inside us demands
it. Whether it’s a promotion or something as small as learning a new computer skill or getting through a
checklist of errands, we have to learn to say to ourselves, “Good job! I’m proud of you!”