PUCKED Up (46 page)

Sunny and I have Skyped every night this week. She’s flying in this morning for the weekend. I want to hijack her right away, but she’s supposed to be visiting Waters and Violet. I’ll give those two the day with her, but she’s coming for dinner at my place tonight. My plan is to turn it into a sleepover and get her to stay with me for most of the weekend. I don’t think Waters is likely to object considering Vi is already in on it.

Just before eleven, Vi stops by. She’s here to help me prepare. She took the afternoon off for a business meeting, part of which consists of picking up Sunny from the airport. I’m not sure it’s legit.

“
What’s up, brother from another mother?” She’s holding a huge box. “And father,” she tacks on, then wrinkles her nose. “That wasn’t even funny, was it?”

“
Uh, no.”

She drops the box on the counter. “I think my sense of humor is being affected by this engagement-party-planning shit. I wonder if it’s possible to have an allergy to being engaged.”

“
I have my doubts.”

She points a candle at me. “You’re not helpful. I need to put a stop to my mother’s insanity. I can’t deal with this craziness. She’s trying to force her way into my girl’s afternoon with Sunny. I said no way. Neither one of us wants blue-eye-shadow makeovers.” Vi stops her tirade to look around my condo. “Have you done anything to get ready for Sunny?”

“
I changed my sheets, and I cleaned off the dining room table.” I relocated all the papers to the coffee table so we have somewhere to eat.

“
You’re such a bachelor.”

I unpack the box of stuff while Vi rummages through my cupboards. “This must be yours.” I toss her a box with a woman’s leg on it. It looks like a shaving product.

She puts her hands up, shielding her face. It hits her in the chest and drops to the floor at her feet. “Ow! Don’t throw things at me!”

“
I didn’t throw it. I tossed it. Underhand. It helps if you don’t cower and actually try to catch it.”

She picks it up off the floor and hurls it. I snatch it out of the air before it beans me on the head. Her aim is getting better—either that or it was a lucky shot. “That’s for you.”

“
What is this? Shaving cream?” I turn the box over and scan the back, waiting for her to explain. She can tell me in thirty seconds what it’ll take me five minutes to labor through on my own.

“
It’ll take down your forest of body hair.”

I run a hand up my arm. “I don’t need this. You can take it home and use it on your mustache.” I slide the box across the counter toward her.

Violet puts her hand up to her mouth, then drops it. “I do
not
have a mustache. You, however, should consider grooming your yeti ass. You’re having Sunny over to your place for the first time ever. You’re probably going to engage in excessive boning.”

“
I’m already groomed. I took care of business yesterday. I even shaved my balls.”

She makes a gagging noise. “More than I wanted to know. Suit yourself, but it’s supposed to be hot tonight. You could manage your arm fur so she doesn’t get lost in there.” Her phone beeps. “I gotta go. I’m picking Sunny up and then we’re going to the spa. She and I have a date with my waxer.”

“
Your waxer?”

“
You can thank me later.”

“
Make sure they leave a landing strip.”

“
Why? You have a hard time navigating the land of beave without it?”

“
No, I like it. And I’m not talking about this with you. Just don’t torture my girlfriend.”

“
Aw, you’re so cute with this
girlfriend
stuff. I’m not surprised you lured her back with your yeti magic.” She grabs a Vitamin Water from my fridge. Suddenly, loud moaning comes from the wall adjoining my condo. We both freeze. “What the hell is that?”

“
My neighbor? Or a cat in heat?” I’ve only heard her dog before, and never through the walls.

We both cringe as the pitch and volume increase. It sounds as if my neighbor—or the cat—are on the verge of a stellar orgasm. Sunny’s a quiet comer. It’s nice. Very un-porn starish.

Vi stares at the wall. “Does that happen often?”

“
This is a first. She moved in before I left for the camp. Maybe she’s getting some morning penance in.” Right before my neighbor hits what sounds like the magical O, the sound cuts off. We look at each other, perplexed.

“
Huh. That seems unsatisfying.” Vi shakes her head. “Maybe your neighbor likes to watch loud porn.”

“
Or she has a thing against coming.”

“
If it happens again, can you record it so I can make it Alex’s ring tone? It’ll be awesome.”

Vi’s ridiculous, but I’d pay to see Waters’ face if she managed to make that happen. I hope there aren’t any more of those sounds while Sunny’s here. They’d make an embarrassing soundtrack for the evening I have planned.

Vi’s phone goes off again. “Okay. Now I gotta go. I’ll be back in a few hours. You should reconsider using that stuff.” She taps the box on the counter and leaves.

I ignore her suggestion and rifle through the contents of the bag. I have to admit, she picked up some useful stuff. If she lived on her own and didn’t have access to Waters’ fortune—he’s already set up a joint bank account where she gets what she thinks is a stupid amount of money every month, seventy-five percent of which she invests—I’d want to pay her back. But there’s also a good chance she’s added it to her bill for this month’s financial-management fees. Either way, she’s gone out of her way for me, and that says a lot.

She picked up a whole crapload of candles, all of them in some holistic, natural scent called Sensual Seduction. They smell nice. I’ve never done the candle thing before; it hasn’t been necessary. But it seems like now’s a good time to get on the romance train. Violet also purchased massage oil, bath oils, and what I at first assume are a pair of women’s panties. They’re not. She’s bought me a pair of men’s bikini briefs. I have no idea how I’ll fit my junk into them, but I’m down with giving it a shot for shits and giggles.

At the bottom is a book about the legend of the yeti and a comic strip. Upon closer inspection, I discover Vi has created her own How To Have Sex guide. I’m a yeti, and Sunny is a sunflower. It’s asinine, but it makes me laugh.

Since my housekeeper was here earlier in the week, I don’t have to worry about dusting or anything. It’s the crap lying around that’s the problem. I’m not very good at organizing. I get bored fast and stop in the middle.

I give tidying an honest effort, but after twenty minutes I’ve gotten distracted four times and ended up back in the kitchen with my head in the fridge. I throw all the stuff lying around my living room in a box and shove it my closet. Then I take the candles to my bedroom and line them up along my dresser. The massage oils I leave by the bed; the bath stuff goes by the tub.

Now that everything’s set up, all I can do is wait for Violet to come back. I send Sunny a voice text to avoid autocorrect.

I can't wait to see you tonight.

Three minutes later I get a message back:

Me 2 :) <3

On my way through the kitchen, I stop to leaf through the yeti book. It’s mostly pictures and cartoons.

The box with the woman’s legs on it sits on the counter where Vi left it. Purely out of curiosity, I pick it up and read the back. It takes a while since it’s fine print, but I get the gist. Apparently this cream is made of magic. I put it on my arms, leave it for just under an hour, and boom—all the hair disappears. It might be nice to have smooth arms. According to the directions, they’ll stay that way for days, and the hair is softer when it grows in, which could be beneficial. I’ve got another hour to kill before Vi gets back . . .

I strip down to nothing so I don’t have to worry about getting this stuff on my clothes. It takes longer to apply than I’d banked on. I have to go all the way to my second knuckle and up to my shoulder, minus my pits, so it’s not uneven and funky looking. I set the timer and get out the video game console.

My elbows are the only part of my arms without the cream crap on them. I rest them on my knees so I can play in relative comfort. However, by the thirty-minute mark, my arms feel like they’re on fire. It’s making me lose games. I check the instructions again. It’s tiny, pain-in-the-ass print. This stuff better work for all the discomfort it causes. Plus it has this horrible chemical odor masked by a fake flowery smell. I can’t tell if my whole condo smells like the stuff, or just my arms.

Ten minutes later, I can’t deal with the burn anymore. I’m en route to the bathroom when the intercom buzzes. I debate ignoring it, but it could be Violet, or maybe even Sunny. I hit the button and call out a greeting.

“
I’m back!”

It’s Violet. “Can you come back in fifteen?”

“
Why do I need to come back in fifteen? It’s eight billion degrees out here. I have underboob sweat from walking to the door from my car. Let me in.”

“
Hot. Can you see it through your shirt? Is it embarrassing?”

“
Will you let me in already?”

“
I can’t. I’m airing out my ball sac. Enjoy the sunshine.” This part is actually true. I haven’t put any clothes back on since I applied this crap. It’s getting to the point where I want to scratch the stuff off, even if my skin comes with it.

“
Airing out your berries? Doesn’t the yeti fur impede that?” she yells.

“
Berries? My balls are the size of grapefruits.”

“
Pfft. Only after you’ve been bit by a spider. Now let me in. I’m not wearing sunscreen. I’ll be the color of a tomato in fifteen minutes, and it’ll be your fault. Alex will punch you in the face again.”

“
How is it my fault you’re pasty?”

“
Screw you, wildebeest. Never mind. Someone’s going to let me in. You’re a dickface.”

Static follows, along with some muffled conversation between Violet and what sounds like several guys. The door buzzes, and I can’t hear her anymore.

Sometimes it takes a few minutes for an elevator to get to this floor. It’s the only drawback to the building, but it’ll give me enough time to wash the acid cream off my arms so I can put clothes on.

I turn on the shower; the burning is almost unbearable, and the smell is just as bad. I step under the spray to rinse my whole body since the pain has caused me to sweat. All my parts need to smell good when Sunny gets here, especially my balls—in case she wants to put them in her mouth or something.

The cream immediately washes down the drain, along with patches of hair from my forearms. It doesn’t take long before the burning feels more like fire ants gnawing at my skin, followed by a hot lava shower.

I might be screaming. It might be high pitched, but no one’s around to hear me, so there’s no way to prove it happened.

I’m quick to get out from under the scalding spray. The arm hair, which should’ve magically disappeared, is patchy, and my arms are an angry red color. A loud rap tells me I’ve run out of time. I wrap a towel around my waist and head for the door. Leaving Violet in the hall is a bad idea at the best of times—she’ll talk to anyone, and she can be loud.

“
Take something! My arms are about to fall off,” she bellows when I let her in.

She’s laden with bags. She unloads everything but one of them into my arms, which leaves me unable to ensure the security of my towel. It feels loose.

“
I think your neighbor might be a porn star or something.” Vi crosses to the kitchen and drops her bag on the counter. Two lemons roll out and bounce to the floor.

“
Why do you think that? Did you see her up close? Does she have huge fake boobs?”

“
Why is it always about the boobs? Three guys were in the elevator with me on the way up. They were all disgustingly buff, and they knocked on your neighbor’s door.”

“
And she answered it naked?”

“
No, I didn’t see her. I’m surmising based on the sounds we heard this morning. And they were talking about how hard it is to have a four-hour hard-on.”

“
Really?”

“
No. I made up the last part. But who else has three overly buff guys with unattractive faces over unless they’re in the adult movie industry?”

What my neighbor does or doesn’t do for a living isn’t something I care about right now, so I derail the conversation by asking an unrelated question. “How’s Sunny? How soon is she gonna be here? Did you make sure the waxer played nice?”

“
She’s good. Excited and nervous. I didn’t ask about the trim job they gave her beaver. I dropped her off at Alex’s on my way here. She’s getting ready, and then she’s getting a ride over. You’ve got half an hour.” She bends down to pick up a fallen lemon.