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‘Jesus,
Fuck, Sophie.  How many times do I have to remind you that I don’t do anything
I don’t wanna do?  You are my future,’ he steps back an inch so that he
can lift my chin to connect our gazes.  ‘Why the fuck wouldn’t I get
involved?  You are my woman, we have babies to plan,’ he reminds me. 

‘I
can’t go back there,’ I repeat.

‘Then
I’ll stay here, we are doing this, no fucking drug dealer is going to take you
away from me, dead or alive!’

I
tense at his tone, he is pissed.  He allows me to pull away from him and
step back.

‘You
going to let him take even more from us?’ He questions.

I
just stare at him, absorbing his words. 

‘We
disagree, Sophie, it’s what we have always done, but we make up better,’ he
states, evidently aware of the reason for my detachment.  ‘I will try to
be mindful of your feelings and not raise my voice, but know this,’ his
sapphire blue eyes light with passion.  ‘I will never hurt you!’ He
emphasises the words, ‘never!’ He repeats, ‘but that bastard isn’t taking any
more of us, if we let him do that, he has won!’

 A
pain appears in my gut, ‘I don’t know how to stop it,’ I admit.

‘We
take one day at a time,’ he suggests, ‘but you have to trust me, baby,’ his
voice crackles with emotion and I step back up to him to hold him close. 
‘You found another therapist?’

‘No,’
I breath.

‘First
thing tomorrow, we find another therapist, Dr. Philips gave you a suggested
list?’ He queries.

I
nod, ‘yeah, I haven’t got around to it.’

‘It’s
important, London. To move forward we have to get rid of that shit,’ he
announces.

‘You
sound like Dr. Philips,’ I mumble.

‘Yeah,
well, we have had a few conversations,’ he admits.  I wasn’t aware of
that, but the news doesn’t completely surprise me.  A lot of Dr. Philips
and our sessions were taken up talking about Nate, he knew how much he meant to
me.  ‘He was supposed to notify me of when you left, given me a chance to
bring you home.’

‘That
wasn’t his fault,’ I defend, ‘I didn’t want anyone to stop me, I needed to be
here.’

He
nods, ‘with you in my arms, I feel complete, Sophie.  All these months I
have been distracted, felt off balance, waiting for my life to start.’

I
squeeze him tight, ‘I don’t know if I can be what you want me to be, Nate.’

‘I’ll
take whatever you offer, just to have you in my arms,’ his hand forks the hair
at my nape and gently pulls me up to face him.

I
watch as his face softens and his eyes go bright as they flicker over my
features.  ‘So, fucking beautiful,’ he breathes, dropping his lips to
mine.  He tests, gently, waiting for me to pull away, but instead I push
closer eager to feel his soft, velvety lips against mine. 

‘I
love you,’ he murmurs against my mouth.

A
burning appears in my chest, but I ignore it as I suck in his bottom lip
swirling my tongue around the softness.  He groans low in his throat
deepening the kiss, opening up his mouth and stroking his tongue against the
seam of my lips.  My body lights, I push wantonly against him as my hand fists
his hair and pulls tight causing him to hum in pleasure as our tongues
tangle.  Luke loved this!  As if I had been doused in icy cold water,
I step back panting against the memories that flood my mind.  Luke fucking
me over and over, until I was raw, whipping me with his belt.  Worst of
all, the fact that I got off on it.

‘Sorry!’
Nate’s gaze becomes regretful as he takes in my distress.

I
close my eyes, blotting out the grey eyes that used to taunt me as I cried out
in pain. 

‘Sophie,’
Nate steps forward but I hold a hand up.

‘It’s
okay,’ I tell him, ‘it’s okay.’

‘It’s
not, I’m sorry, I know we have to take things slow, I just got carried away,’
he runs an anxious hand through his dark locks.  ‘I have a compulsion to
touch you.’

‘Don’t
apologize, Nate,’ I insist.  ‘Really, it’s my fucked up mind playing
tricks on me.’

‘He
hurt you?’ He asked, quietly.

‘Yeah,
he hurt me,’ I confess, ‘but, you would never, I know that.’

He
nods, but his jaw tightens, ‘I’m glad I killed the fucker!’

I
gaze at him, my stomach clenching, ‘me too.’

‘I
should go, Kyle’s at the hotel.  Who knows what he is up to, he’s a sucker
for an English accent,’ he smirks.  ‘I think that’s why he agreed to
accompany me.’

I
nod, ‘okay.’

‘Can
we meet tomorrow, talk some more?’ He asks, softly.

I
contemplate telling Nate no, telling him to fly home and forget me.  But
for the first time in months I actually feel something, however painful and I
didn’t want that to stop. ‘Sure,’ I relent.  ‘I finish at five tomorrow,’
I notify him.  ‘Why don’t you bring Kyle and I’ll grab Shauna, the baby is
with Matt tomorrow, we tend to go out for a meal when that happens.’

‘Shauna’s
not with the baby-daddy?’ Nate enquires, surprise evident in his expression.

‘No,
he fucked the secretary,’ I confide, casually.  ‘And she’s not taking it too
well,’ I smirk.

‘Jesus,
Fuck,’ Nate shakes his head. ‘Okay, five tomorrow.’

I
walk Nate to the door where he places a soft kiss on the corner of my
mouth.  ‘Sleep well, London,’ he whispers, ‘lock the door behind me.’

********

The
following day is raining, I dress in my black skinny jeans and knee high boots,
pulling on a loose black blouse.  My hair is now a dark, shoulder-length
bob, but I tease it up into a pleat and leave a few tendrils hanging around my
face.  I apply my make-up carefully and take a deep breath.  I feel
an excitement flutter deep in my stomach, but I dampen it down.  Things
can’t possibly work out between Nate and I, however safe he makes me
feel.  He will be here for a limited amount of time, so I should enjoy it
while I can.  I know the thought of him remaining here permanently is
impossible, his family is in Denver and Marnie needs her children around her.

The
day drags, I had notified Shauna of our impending dinner date with Nate, and
his brother and she had expressed excitement about the prospect of seeing Nate
again.  Apparently, unbeknown to me, Nate and Shauna had bonded when I had
initially vanished, spending a considerable amount of time together in Nate’s
loft while they attempted to hunt me down.  Well, that was until Matt
turned all macho and demanded that Shauna and Emily-Jane return to
London. 

Again,
I receive a pain in my chest, a pain that hinted at jealousy at the fact Shauna
had spent time alone in Nate’s loft, with Nate.  I run a hand over my
face, frustrated with the all-encompassing emotions that seem to be raining down
over me since Nate’s surprise appearance.

When
I leave the salon at five o’clock, Nate and Kyle are both standing beside the
Range Rover casually talking.  As if he senses me, Nate turns to my
approach.  My eyes run over the two of them dressed casually in denim
jeans and button down shirts, which only enhances their physiques.  I
avert my eyes to the pavement feeling incredibly self-conscious of their intent
observation. When I reach Nate, I test a glance up and wait as our eyes lock in
and the atmosphere sizzles.

‘Hey
babe,’ Nate leans in and kisses me softly on my lips, his tone relaxed.

‘Hi!’
I breathe, my glance flickering nervously to Kyle, ‘Hey Kyle,’ I smile,
politely.

‘Hey,
Sophie,’ he mutters, softly.  ‘I hear we are double-dating,’ he
grins.  He doesn’t have the signature dimple that Nate has, but there is
no doubt his smile is almost as striking. 

‘No
double dating,’ I smile back, ‘Shauna isn’t really in the dating place, and
Nate has warned me of your weakness for an English accent.  I wouldn’t
want you to leave broken hearted,’ I tease.

He
grins in response, attempting to climb in the back of the vehicle, ‘no, you
take the front,’ I insist.  ‘Us girls will sit in the back.’

‘Sorry,
Nate insisted you sit up beside him,’ Kyle rolls his eyes in feign annoyance as
my tummy tingles at Nate’s thoughtfulness.

We
climb into the car and I direct Nate to Shauna’s.  When she exits her
house, she throws her arms around Nate and squeezes him tight.  My gut
tightens, possessiveness shrouding me. I internally scold myself.  This is
your best friend and the man that has travelled halfway across the world to see
you, I remind myself.  Nate introduces his brother to Shauna and they
immediately strike up easy conversation for the duration of the journey to the
Italian restaurant in Chelsea. 

Nate
had booked the restaurant knowing that Italian was my favourite food.  He
had tucked me into the chair nearest the wall and lay his arm across the back
of the chair, protectively.  His gesture had sent my insides warm and
fuzzy, especially since he then edged his chair even closer to mine. 

‘Wine?’
Nate asked.

‘No,
thank you.  Sparkling water, please,’ I inform the waitress.

‘You
not drinking?’ Nate whispered down to me, while Kyle and Shauna picked back up
their deep discussion.

‘No,’
I glance up nervously, taking in Shauna and Kyle’s inability to hear, before
replying, ‘I became dependent when…’ I leave the rest to his imagination. 

His
thumb brushes my neck, leaving goose bumps along the surface of my skin. 
His eyes possess the regretful gleam that has been evident intermittently since
his arrival yesterday.  Leaning towards me, his lips find my temple.

‘Such
a strength,’ he whispers. 

‘No,’
I shake my head, ‘I am weak, I drank to numb the pain,’ I whisper up, ‘that’s
not strength.’

‘The
strength comes from recognising the fact it was becoming a problem and taking
action,’ he announces, quietly.

The
meal is a complete success, Kyle and Shauna are great company and we all fall
into a compatible conversation, laughing and teasing each other about various
stories we all confide regarding our misspent youths.  When we finish
eating, Nate takes my hand in his and rests it on his thigh, which I allow,
enjoy even. 

Shauna
and Kyle were flirting outrageously, I worry about her for a moment but then
debate that Shauna is a grown up and deserves to have some fun.  She had
endured a hard week after being informed by a mutual friend of her and Matt’s,
that Matt had now shacked up with the secretary he fucked, which had
undoubtedly put a nail in the coffin for any reconciliation talks. 

They
were a playful couple, the pair of them teasing each other mercilessly, I had
never seen Shauna so girly with her giggling and flicking of her long blonde
hair.

‘Think
we have mutual appreciation,’ I mutter up to Nate.

He
frowns, ‘you want me to put an end to it?’

‘God
no!’ I smile, ‘let them have fun, it’s good to see her happy.’

‘What
about you?’ Nate had responded instantly, ‘are you allowed to be happy?’

I
stiffen, ‘I am,’ I hear the defensiveness in my voice.

‘I’ve
seen you happier,’ he murmurs, carefully.

‘I’ll
get there,’ my eyes flicker over his delicious features.

‘I
don’t doubt it,’ he affirms.  He strokes his thumb down my cheek and over
my lip, ‘if it’s at all possible I think I love you even more,’ his glance
moves to my lip and my insides clench. 

‘We’re
going on to a club,’ Shauna announces, interrupting our moment.

‘Oh,
okay,’ I smile.

‘You
two coming along, or...?’ Kyle asks, his eyes searching his brother’s for an answer.

‘You
fancy it, Soph?’ Nate enquires.

I
shake my head, ‘no, but you go if you like,’ I encourage. ‘Honestly, I’m fine.’

‘I
will not,’ he scoffs.  ‘I’ll stay with Sophie,’ Nate tells the other
couple.  ‘You have fun, I’ve got this,’ he indicates the meal.

‘Come
on gorgeous,’ Kyle calls to Shauna.  He winks at Nate and I, ‘thanks
brother, Sophie see you soon,’ he leans over and kisses my cheek and squeezes
his brothers shoulder. 

‘Thank
you, Nate,’ Shauna hugs him tight before squeezing me to death.  ‘You
okay, Soph?’ She checks.

‘Yeah,
I’m good,’ I assure her.

‘See
her home, Nate,’ she commands, her forehead crinkling with slight worry.

‘Of
course,’ he nods as they depart in a puff of exhilaration.

When
we arrive back at my flat, Nate moves and switches the kettle on as if he does
it every day of his life.  I follow him into the kitchen area and prepare
the coffee, we move around each other with an ease that we possessed in Nate’s
loft in Denver.  We chat naturally about the residence of Krystal, Ellie’s
unexpected wedding and Kyle’s new PI Agency.  I find myself laughing and
totally chilling in Nate’s laidback company.

‘Some
days, I miss Krystal,’ I admit.  ‘You know,’ I glance up at him,
‘obviously not the bad bits, but the whole familiarity of everyone knowing
everyone’s business. In a way it made me feel as if I belonged somewhere.’

Nate
nods, ‘you know it’s funny,’ he rolls his eyes, ‘the lack of privacy is what
initially had me running for the hills, but it is also what takes me back so
often.  The frankness, the sincerity of the majority of its occupants,’ he
shrugs, ‘it’s home.’

‘Why
then do you live in Denver?’ I prompt.

‘It’s
where the work took me,’ he explained.  ‘But, that no longer applies.’

‘How
so?’ I probe. 

‘I
no longer work for the force,’ he confides. 

This
knowledge surprises me hugely. ‘I thought your work was the love of your life,’
I accuse as we sit huddled close together on the sofa, drinking our coffee.

‘It
was for a while,’ he turned his gaze to mine, ‘until I discovered something
else that means so much more to me,’ his eyes burn into mine leaving me
breathless. 

‘You
have turned into quiet the romantic in my absence,’ I state, as I recall all
the sweet things he had declared since last night.

‘Losing
you was the worst thing that ever happened to me. I swore I ever found you, I would
make you my priority,’ he announces, interlinking our fingers.

‘Nate,’
I hum, emotion clogging my throat.

‘Please
don’t turn me away again, Sophie,’ he muttered, obstinately.

‘That’s
not what I am doing, you know how I feel about you,’ I palm his stubbled jaw, ‘but
I can’t see how we can make this work.  Your life is in Denver, mine is in
London.’

‘Then
I’ll move here,’ he announces.  ‘Although, I would prefer it if you came
home with me,’ he curls his fingers around my jaw, ‘but, if that’s what it
takes for us to be together, then so be it.’

‘What
about Marnie?  And Ellie?’ I question.  I imagine neither will be
overjoyed that Nate would move to the other side of the world for a
woman.  Especially one that had caused so much heartbreak for them and
their family.

‘They
can visit,’ he leans into my hand, turning to place a kiss in the centre of my
palm.  ‘I belong with you.’

‘Wow!’
I gasp.  His love for me shines from those sapphire pools of longing. 
I lean up and place my lips on his, he kisses me back, but makes no move to
accelerate things further. Only his eyes betray his desire, otherwise his body
remains as still as a statue.

Knowing
I control the heat of the kiss comforts me, I nibble on Nate’s bottom lip until
his breathing becomes ragged.  Moving, I gently straddle him and take his
face in my hands to kiss the life out of him.  Sensation rushes through my
body, fire licks through my veins as I grind down against his evident arousal.
His body is tense, his hands clenched either side of him as he patiently allows
me to take what I need.

‘Tell
me what you want,’ Nate breathes.  ‘However big or small, just tell me.’

Fuck,
can this man get any more perfect? 

I
gaze at him as I kiss across his face, our eyes connected.  I need to know
it is him, that’s my trigger.  I pretended Luke was Nate for so long that
I am struggling between fantasy and reality. 

‘I
thought of you,’ I confess, my mouth and tongue exploring his jawline.

‘You
thought of me?’ He queries, breathlessly.

‘When
I fucked him, the only way I could do it was to think of you,’ I feel him tense
at my explanation.

‘Okay,’
he whispers, but I sense his displeasure at my choice of conversation, not to
mention my timing. 

‘This
may not be the most appropriate time to confide to you the torment of my stretch
in that hell hole, but Dr. Philips informed me that if it comes up I must
address it,’ I notify Nate, gently. 

I
watch as he physically wills himself to relax his clenched muscles, ‘okay, so
talk away,’ he encourages.

‘You
can handle it?’ I test.

‘We
deal with this shit, we can finally be us, so yeah, I can take it,’ he
declares.

‘I
need to know it’s you, Nate,’ I breathe, a tear escaping and rolling down my
cheek. I know this is therapy in itself, I feel the floodgates inching open to
test the aggression of the potential storm.

‘It’s
me baby,’ he whispers up to me, his hands moving from their place clenched at
his side to hold my face to his.  He wipes away a tear with his lips,
‘it’s me, I am here for you.’

‘I
came,’ I sob, devastated by what I am about to divulge, ‘when he fucked me, I
came,’ I watch him swallow painfully, his eyes blank.

‘Okay,
you did what you had to Sophie,’ he insists. ‘You thinking of me?’

‘Yeah,’
I cry, ‘he knew, he made me look at him and call out his name, but I learned to
zone him out and picture us,’ I confide.  ‘He was going to kill you, he
said if I stayed and made him believe he was the only man in the world, he
would spare you.  If I didn’t come, he hurt me more,’ Nate swears and
pulls me against his hard body, my face buried in the crook of his neck.

‘It’s
okay, Sophie.  You found a way to survive, however you managed it. 
You are here, with me, we are going to get through this,’ he promised. 

‘I
love you, I’ve always loved you,’ I sob.

‘Fuck!’
He growls, holding me tight as he whispers endearments until the sobbing
subsides leaving only the occasional hiccup omitting from my throat. 

********